Tinie Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) So I work in a chem lab as an undergrad student. There is one female grad student and 8 male grad students. One of them, let's call him S, has been coming onto me. He started with some joking around the first few weeks I started work, and occasionally he calls me "honey" or "pretty one". He's definitely the most confident and alpha of all the guys and he knows they've got his back. He's also the only one who's single. I'd say he's around 30. Anyways, he started flirting a lot so I flirted a bit back, since I realized he wasn't serious about a relationship with me, and I don't have feelings for him. His flirting sometimes gets insulting. He'd come over to me and talk, and then when he's had enough, he says "Ok cool, you can go home now" or "Ok you can leave me alone" even though I wasn't the one who initiated the conversation or walked up to him! He's been talking down to me a lot recently. Any time he does me a favour, he acts like I need to fall down to my knees in gratitude. I have minimized the conversations I initiate with him, which is hard since we share the same work space and our desks are right next to each other. I get this feeling that I'm his entertainment and he can make me come when it's convenient and he can make me go away when it's not. I absolutely hate it. How do I get him to leave me alone? I should mention, all the other grad students think we're in love with each other or something, and they make "ooo" sounds or make fun of us (in a non-serious, joking way). Edited June 18, 2013 by Tinie
tbf Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 "Look, all these put-downs are getting annoying even if you're kidding around. Can you treat me with a little more respect?" 1
Author Tinie Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Keep all reactions to him minimal. Yessir! I'll be glad to.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Snarl at him and tell him your not his effing bitch. Then shut him out. 4
therhythm Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Snarl at him and tell him your not his effing bitch. Then shut him out. This would work pretty good in my opinion but since you still need to work with the guy, I would just tell the guy something in the way like "I don't know what you are trying to sell but I am not buying... can we now do some work?" "Alphas" are not comfortable with confrontation, if you try to avoid him he will see that as a weakness and will try to bite on you harder, if you confront him a couple of times and make sure his pals hear you and even laugh about him a couple of times he will let you alone 1
Ripnet Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sounds like PUA (Pick Up Artist) tactic to me. The only problem is he's failing miserably.
therhythm Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sounds like PUA (Pick Up Artist) tactic to me. The only problem is he's failing miserably. The funny thing is that the PUA tactics only work for attractive people who actually would be able to get girls regarding their tactic :rolleyes: I find that most of the guys who try to get into the PUA life style are desperate guys who know nothing about women... and some people is making big money selling them a solution that will never work I think OP's colleague is not a PUA... he is just an idiot that doesn't recognize a lady from a dog when he sees them and who needs to learn a lesson the hard way... :mad:
hppr Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sounds like PUA (Pick Up Artist) tactic to me. The only problem is he's failing miserably. More like self-centered idiot behavior. And yeah he's failing miserably. 2
salparadise Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 How do I get him to leave me alone? Beat him at his own game... subtle putdowns, cut him off before he cuts you off. Shooo go away, is that hai karate you're wearing?
EasyHeart Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 There's nothing worse than a nerd who gets his first taste of power. Step 1: Don't engage with him. When he talks to you, respond with brief, factual answers. Don't ask him any non-work related questions. Give him your best bitch-face. Step 2: If that doesn't work, talk to the professor and tell him/her that the grad student is making you uncomfortable. Then "alpha" will find out who's really in charge. 1
loveunlimited Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Tell him, next time he dismisses you: "Men try to make up in humour what they don't have in penis length." And turn away. If he makes a wise-crack remark about having no problem there, just mock, saying, "Yeah right, of course we only have your word for that."
Shepp Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 His flirting sometimes gets insulting. He'd come over to me and talk, and then when he's had enough, he says "Ok cool, you can go home now" or "Ok you can leave me alone" even though I wasn't the one who initiated the conversation or walked up to him! That's just a joke though! "okay you can go away now" sounds like the kinda thing id say - just a joke!
Ripnet Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Just only talk about work when he behaves poorly. He will get it sooner or later.
Taramere Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 So I work in a chem lab as an undergrad student. There is one female grad student and 8 male grad students. One of them, let's call him S, has been coming onto me. He started with some joking around the first few weeks I started work, and occasionally he calls me "honey" or "pretty one". He's definitely the most confident and alpha of all the guys and he knows they've got his back. He's also the only one who's single. I'd say he's around 30. Tell him that he's becoming really alpha these days. Like a hyena matriarch.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 This would work pretty good in my opinion but since you still need to work with the guy, I would just tell the guy something in the way like "I don't know what you are trying to sell but I am not buying... can we now do some work?" "Alphas" are not comfortable with confrontation, if you try to avoid him he will see that as a weakness and will try to bite on you harder, if you confront him a couple of times and make sure his pals hear you and even laugh about him a couple of times he will let you alone This also could be handled officially as "sexual harassment". It's not like a person has to keep hitting on you for explicit sex, it's unwanted attention that threatens or otherwise disturbs a co-worker. OP, that is your next recourse. If he doesn't yield, tell him you will initiate documented proceedings against him. And the first time after that where he continues to act out on his power trip, write it all up and serve it. Some people are monsters and don't get it until it's bad. Sorry. 1
tbf Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 This is work. If you turn it into a competition, not only are you pushing him to give you more unwanted attention, it could also blow up into unwanted work drama which is detrimental to career aspirations. Call him on his behaviour in an assertive but polite manner. If he doesn't amend his ways and continues to harass you, go to either your supervisor or H/R, reliant on company protocol.
KungFuJoe Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sorry, but this story sounds so fabricated. Seriously...since when do grad students go "ooooh" in the classroom. Sounds like something in Jr High or High School. 1
FitChick Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Make an audible, heavy sigh, roll your eyes and say, "I thought we were in grad school, not high school. I want a refund!" "Zip it!" with appropriate hand motion.
Pompeii Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sorry, but this story sounds so fabricated. You think every story is "fabricated", so your opinion is irrelevant.
Ripnet Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 This also could be handled officially as "sexual harassment". It's not like a person has to keep hitting on you for explicit sex, it's unwanted attention that threatens or otherwise disturbs a co-worker. OP, that is your next recourse. If he doesn't yield, tell him you will initiate documented proceedings against him. And the first time after that where he continues to act out on his power trip, write it all up and serve it. Some people are monsters and don't get it until it's bad. Sorry. That's what I was thinking however it can make the situation worse. If the other men find out at her work they can turn against her. I think it's best to tell him to stop his bad behaviour.
Maleficent Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 So I work in a chem lab as an undergrad student. There is one female grad student and 8 male grad students. One of them, let's call him S, has been coming onto me. He started with some joking around the first few weeks I started work, and occasionally he calls me "honey" or "pretty one". He's definitely the most confident and alpha of all the guys and he knows they've got his back. He's also the only one who's single. I'd say he's around 30. Anyways, he started flirting a lot so I flirted a bit back, since I realized he wasn't serious about a relationship with me, and I don't have feelings for him. His flirting sometimes gets insulting. He'd come over to me and talk, and then when he's had enough, he says "Ok cool, you can go home now" or "Ok you can leave me alone" even though I wasn't the one who initiated the conversation or walked up to him! He's been talking down to me a lot recently. Any time he does me a favour, he acts like I need to fall down to my knees in gratitude. I have minimized the conversations I initiate with him, which is hard since we share the same work space and our desks are right next to each other. I get this feeling that I'm his entertainment and he can make me come when it's convenient and he can make me go away when it's not. I absolutely hate it. How do I get him to leave me alone? I should mention, all the other grad students think we're in love with each other or something, and they make "ooo" sounds or make fun of us (in a non-serious, joking way). If it bothers you, you have the right to ask for it to stop. If you are confident enough to talk to the guy and your co-worker, do so. If not, talk to your supervisor. 1
Sunlight72 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Tell him, next time he dismisses you: "Men try to make up in humour what they don't have in penis length." And turn away. If he makes a wise-crack remark about having no problem there, just mock, saying, "Yeah right, of course we only have your word for that." I'd really not do this. This is flirting - you'd be asking to see his junk for your own assessment. Completely the wrong direction. No.
Sunlight72 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) That's what I was thinking however it can make the situation worse. If the other men find out at her work they can turn against her. I think it's best to tell him to stop his bad behaviour. Originally Posted by Feelin Frisky ........If he doesn't yield, tell him you will initiate documented proceedings against him. And the first time after that where he continues to act out on his power trip, write it all up and serve it....... Feelin Frisky said to clearly warn, then the next time file a complaint. She's already tried talking to him, tried telling him to stop in a conversant manner and it hasn't sunk in. One firm clear warning is plenty of notice at this point (from what the OP has written here). Stringing it out with 3 or 6 more exchanges back and forth will just give him the idea that this is in fact just "funnin" with her, and will make it harder for her to legitimately file a grievance if needed, since she's let it go on so long and he could say she is playing along too. And Tinie - if you're going to end this, you need to be very clear with yourself also. No more flirting with him - not a little, None. Probably best not to do any joking. Joke with the other students when it's comfortable if you can, to keep the atmosphere clear, but not with this guy as he will turn it into flirting (it sounds like) at every chance. Edited June 18, 2013 by Sunlight72
Author Tinie Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Guys I read all your comments, thanks for the advice! Quite a few made me laugh. KungFuJoe. Have you ever worked in a chemistry lab? Try that before accusing me of making up stories. My grad students are great people (minus that guy) but they aren't the most developed in terms of social skills. I'm not fabricating anything. If you need proof so badly, I'll put a tape recorder in my pocket and upload the record on here. So today I tried the not talking to him tactic. He's definitely piped down. He tried making some smart a$$ comment, and I totally shut that down. He didn't talk to me for the rest of the day, even when it was just the two of us and no one else around. Usually he doesn't miss the opportunity to say something, but this time, nothing. I only went up to him to get help when my own grad student supervising me was busy. So I'll probably keep that up. If it gets worse, I'll file a complaint for sure. 2
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