Chris715 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 It's been a month since I last talked to her and that was through text. Since then things have mostly gotten worse for me. I've gotten a new job, which at least has kept me busy and mostly kept my mind off things during the day but whenever I get some free time my thoughts go inevitably back to her. I miss her more now than I ever did when we were at least talking and I'm incredibly tempted to break NC today to at least hear something, anything from her. I'm starting to realize that she's out of my life and might never come back into it and it's been incredibly painful. I'm seriously lost. Where do I go from here? Try to give up on her forever even though I don't think I can do that? Maintain NC and remain an emotional wreck and hope I magically improve? I've never had emotional pain and confusion like this before, really need some help.
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Dude, You HAVE TO man up and move on. She stated in one of your first posts that she was Bi-polar, depressed and had other behavioral health issues. Clearly, she has other issues she's probably trying to sort out and they don't include you. 30 days, now what? Well, how about trying to go on other dates? Get off your computer and stop ruminating about a girl that's moved on with her life. YOU'RE choosing to act this way, she's not making you nor is anyone else. It's in your hands to make changes to put this behind you.
Sneaky Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I don't have tons of advice. Honestly, I'm kind of a wreck myself at the moment and I'm only at two weeks. The thing that helps me at the moment though is to accept that there's nothing I am going to say that will change her mind and if I am just absent for long enough, she might start to miss me, cause I sure as hell am missing her. Hope that helps a bit. 2
McGriff Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You've got to get a hold of yourself. BU's suck. For everybody. You're just freaking out and I completely understand it. Believe me. But it's not the end of the world. I've been where you are, and this is where you've got to be mentally tough. You are going through the natural progression of human emotions. Feel them, but that's it, don't act on them. You know, since my BU, I've heard the cliché about "set her free and if she comes back" blah blah blah---but ultimately there's a reason people say it---because it's TRUE. If its meant to be, it will be. The universe doesn't make mistakes. You can't control what she does. Think about one of your friends in your situation---what would you tell him? You'd tell him to chill out, everything is gonna be fine in the longrun. Same goes for you. It SUCKS, I know firsthand. But live your life, feel your feelings, keep your dignity, and keep going. I promise everything will work out in time. You are not alone, we are all out here in lalaland, trying to cope. 4
Minneloa Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 OP, I am sorry you are hurting. That said, continuing NC is really your best option for healing and moving on. I know it is extremely tempting to reach out to your ex, but what good would come of it? After a brief surge of relief and a momentary emotional high, you will inevitably come crashing back down to the harsh reality of the breakup, which will set you back to square one emotionally. And don't take my word for it; just look at some of the many threads in this forum inspired by the pain people experience after breaking NC. You are not alone. Keep posting here when you need to, and try to take care of yourself (sleeping, eating, exercise). You have sustained a serious loss, and I wish there were an easier way. Unfortunately, no way out but through. Sending good thoughts! 2
Author Chris715 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) Dude, You HAVE TO man up and move on. She stated in one of your first posts that she was Bi-polar, depressed and had other behavioral health issues. Clearly, she has other issues she's probably trying to sort out and they don't include you. 30 days, now what? Well, how about trying to go on other dates? Get off your computer and stop ruminating about a girl that's moved on with her life. YOU'RE choosing to act this way, she's not making you nor is anyone else. It's in your hands to make changes to put this behind you. You're right dude. I know I have to move on, I know she wasn't good for me, but it doesn't make this any easier. Whatever I do I'm not breaking NC tonight. Plain and simple. Not sure when I'm going to start dating again but I at least need to figure some way to move on. For anyone with experience, how long after a painful breakup did you start dating again? Even if I started getting some dates right now I feel like my head wouldn't be in the game at all and I wouldn't care about any girl I'm with other than my ex. Smarter to wait awhile or will that just prolong the pain I'm going through? Edited June 18, 2013 by Chris715
scorpio1978 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I started dating 2 weeks after my break-up and not a day goes by where I don't wish that I was with him and not out on dates with other people. Why do I do it then? Because you have to move on. It doesn't mean that you don't love the person anymore or that you don't want to be with them. I would kill to be with my man, or ex-man. But, getting out of the house, having a reason to look my best and being in the company of someone who wants to spend time getting to know me reminds me that I am not hopeless, lost, worthless, etc. That's how I feel sometimes, but it's getting better. I am just up front and honest with the person I am seeing. I don't know where it will go. Maybe nowhere, but sometimes I envision my ex seeing me out, happy, with a good looking man, and not sitting around waiting for him and it gives me a little boost. I shouldn't be thinking about him, wondering what he would think, but I give myself a break. This is the first guy I have dated since my ex. Hopefully, that feeling will pass. You gotta get back out there. 5
McGriff Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 You're right dude. I know I have to move on, I know she wasn't good for me, but it doesn't make this any easier. Whatever I do I'm not breaking NC tonight. Plain and simple. Not sure when I'm going to start dating again but I at least need to figure some way to move on. For anyone with experience, how long after a painful breakup did you start dating again? Even if I started getting some dates right now I feel like my head wouldn't be in the game at all and I wouldn't care about any girl I'm with other than my ex. Smarter to wait awhile or will that just prolong the pain I'm going through? I went on dates about 3 weeks after the BU, and sure enough, mentally I was elsewhere. Still am, almost 4 months later. BUT I'm not gonna quit trying. It's different for everyone. You date when you feel ready. Only you can answer that question.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Dude, You HAVE TO man up and move on. She stated in one of your first posts that she was Bi-polar, depressed and had other behavioral health issues. Clearly, she has other issues she's probably trying to sort out and they don't include you. 30 days, now what? Well, how about trying to go on other dates? Get off your computer and stop ruminating about a girl that's moved on with her life. YOU'RE choosing to act this way, she's not making you nor is anyone else. It's in your hands to make changes to put this behind you. OP - I would advise against this unless you yourself feel it is the right thing to do at this juncture. How old are you? How long was your RS? How emotionally invested were you? Doesn't matter what issues she had, if you loved her, then you loved her. And you will need some time to deal with the fact that you are now no longer with her. 30 days is really a pretty short period of time depending on the nature of your RS and your own emotional self. AZ - I understand your platform and I get what you are saying as I have seen you advise this time and time again. But your advice is not a one-size-fits all. It's been stated here and many other places that one must take the time to process and deal with a BU. How long? Well, that depends. But just trying to pound a bunch of 'hood rats' (40 year old virgin ) as you imply, doesn't really accomplish anything UNLESS one is ready for that. I, personally, am at 90 days NC and 120 days post BU and I'm just not there. Again, depending on a lot of factors, it may be beneficial to work on ones self before trying to be with another. Try to understand the factors that you contributed to the BU and address them first. Or else risk the same pattern over and over... Look and see where you get your happiness, peace, validation and approval. If it is from within, then you are ready to bring another person into your life. If it is from another, then you are not. And if all you want to do is f*ck, then so be it. That is a whole other mind set. I personally want to better my life and chances at true happiness. Philosophical rant over 1
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 AZ - I understand your platform and I get what you are saying as I have seen you advise this time and time again. But your advice is not a one-size-fits all. It's been stated here and many other places that one must take the time to process and deal with a BU. How long? Well, that depends. But just trying to pound a bunch of 'hood rats' (40 year old virgin ) as you imply, doesn't really accomplish anything UNLESS one is ready for that. I, personally, am at 90 days NC and 120 days post BU and I'm just not there. Again, depending on a lot of factors, it may be beneficial to work on ones self before trying to be with another. Try to understand the factors that you contributed to the BU and address them first. Or else risk the same pattern over and over. Philosophical rant over Well, first of all, i've never suggested to anyone to go pound anything. I agree this isn't one size fits all when it pertains to break ups. All I'm suggesting like many on this thread is dating can HELP the healing process IF you want to help yourself. I think a lot of posters make their life around being sad about a girl that dumped them MONTHS ago. I personally don't feel that's healthy what so ever. If someone isn't at a spot where they feel they can date, then don't. Others that can muster up the gonads to get back out there should. For the record, I'm 2 1/2 weeks post getting dumped though I let her make that call during a conversation. Did I hurt, HELL YEA. Am I devistated, NOPE. Our relationship failed because of her and her issues. I'm not going to take a hit to my ego over this for that reason. I had my first date last night. My goal was to simply enjoy the company of the opposite sex. I had a good time, so laughs and it made me feel much better about myself while reminding me that there are SO MANY other women out there for all of us.
Author Chris715 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice and opinions in this thread you guys. I think I'm going to hold off on dating for a bit. I need to join a gym or at least start working out at my home, start eating healthier, focus on my job and saving up some money, and hang out with friends more often, maybe meet some new people. I'm hoping if I do all of this NC will get easier and I'll start to feel better mentally and physically. And maybe I'll be ready to start dating then. Easier said than done though. Taking the first few steps with my depression is probably going to be tough, but I'm going to start trying tomorrow.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice and opinions in this thread you guys. I think I'm going to hold off on dating for a bit. I need to join a gym or at least start working out at my home, start eating healthier, focus on my job and saving up some money, and hang out with friends more often, maybe meet some new people. I'm hoping if I do all of this NC will get easier and I'll start to feel better mentally and physically. And maybe I'll be ready to start dating then. Easier said than done though. Taking the first few steps with my depression is probably going to be tough, but I'm going to start trying tomorrow. ^^ Wise plan of action!!! Basically, don't listen to what anyone, myself included, tells you to do. Do what you feel is right!! You'll know when the time is right to do whatever it is your going to do
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 All I'm suggesting like many on this thread is dating can HELP the healing process IF you want to help yourself. I guess it really comes down to a question of time frame. I feel some might think it's a healthy course of action, but can actually be a monumental mistake emotionally and end up setting them back even further if it's too soon. It all depends on the individual and the specifics of the RS and BU. Why not take some time to work on being happy by yourself? This can only have a positive effect on ones life, whereas introducing one or more women might be damaging. I went out with 4 girls in the two weeks we were broken up. Made out with 3 and boned the other. I just think this type of behavior can easily lead to more problems until one really successfully and completely grieves and processes their loss. I just don't think trying to substitute in a random woman for an ex is a good choice. Now, any more than a year, and I'd say that is getting a little too long to avoid intimacy because of emotions/feelings for the ex. But the OP is only one month post BU and that is really a very short period of time to address the issues stated above. I'm not trying to start a battle here. With all due respect, I just think it is important to consider the alternative to your statements. Just my 2 cents...
Simon Phoenix Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Dating and/or boning right after my break didn't help me at all. I mean, I guess it's better than sitting around at your place drinking alone and being depressed, but it didn't make me feel better about the break or make my feelings for my ex diminish at all. It wasn't until I started making new friends and filling my time that way that things started to really improve. As for the OP, your next goal is to go another 30 days.
mtnbiker3000 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 AZ - Just want to add that I have gone back and read many of your posts and you very often write with wisdom and experience that I completely agree with.
1908 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice and opinions in this thread you guys. I think I'm going to hold off on dating for a bit. I need to join a gym or at least start working out at my home, start eating healthier, focus on my job and saving up some money, and hang out with friends more often, maybe meet some new people. I'm hoping if I do all of this NC will get easier and I'll start to feel better mentally and physically. And maybe I'll be ready to start dating then. Easier said than done though. Taking the first few steps with my depression is probably going to be tough, but I'm going to start trying tomorrow. All these things help tremendously. Good luck man. 1
Author Chris715 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I guess it really comes down to a question of time frame. I feel some might think it's a healthy course of action, but can actually be a monumental mistake emotionally and end up setting them back even further if it's too soon. It all depends on the individual and the specifics of the RS and BU. Why not take some time to work on being happy by yourself? This can only have a positive effect on ones life, whereas introducing one or more women might be damaging. I just think this type of behavior can easily lead to more problems until one really successfully and completely grieves and processes their loss. I just don't think trying to substitute in a random woman for an ex is a good choice. Now, any more than a year, and I'd say that is getting a little too long to avoid intimacy because of emotions/feelings for the ex. But the OP is only one month post BU and that is really a very short period of time to address the issues stated above. I'm not trying to start a battle here. With all due respect, I just think it is important to consider the alternative to your statements. Just my 2 cents... I'm actually around 7 months BU. Pretty long story but basically we remained in sort of a "psuedo-relationship" long after our "break up" to the point where I only went full NC a month ago exactly. So yeah... this long messed up BU probably has something to do with me having a hard time getting over it.
scorpio1978 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks for the advice and opinions in this thread you guys. I think I'm going to hold off on dating for a bit. I need to join a gym or at least start working out at my home, start eating healthier, focus on my job and saving up some money, and hang out with friends more often, maybe meet some new people. I'm hoping if I do all of this NC will get easier and I'll start to feel better mentally and physically. And maybe I'll be ready to start dating then. Easier said than done though. Taking the first few steps with my depression is probably going to be tough, but I'm going to start trying tomorrow. Now, you're talking!!! Just one of these above will make you feel better, combine all of them, and LOOK OUT! New man coming through. I am genuinely happy for you. If you have a hard time, we're here
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 AZ - Just want to add that I have gone back and read many of your posts and you very often write with wisdom and experience that I completely agree with. No worries man. We all have are opinions and I think the big rock is we trying to help folks out with opinions when asked. Some people want/need to wait before the jump back into the dating pool while others need time for things to settle down. As I've said in other threads, I'm not going to lie and say I'm over my ex after 2 1/2 weeks. It's easier for me though because we've been on/off several times this year. She broke up with me a couple of months ago and I got her back and then she broke up with me again. As I've said, most of our arguments were due to her personal/emotional issues that I tried, and tried to help her with. She was unwilling to change, so oh well. So, she told me TWICE that she was "done" which means "I don't want you in my life anymore and want to find someone else".. So, in my case, why would I want to sit at home for months mooning over a woman like this when I can simply start dating and POTENTIALLY find someone else to love. All else fails, I meet some new friends, get out of the house, and move on with my life w/someone that I am compatible with and will love me.
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