ltomlinson81 Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 I broke up with and moved out on my ex-boyfriend of 4 years a little over a month ago because he cheated on me. We go back and forth between being cordial and not on a weekly basis, but both of us want to salvage our friendship. I still have mixed feelings about the break-up and I try to initiate as little contact as possible. He calls me when need be, and this seems to allow us to be friendly to one another. With that in mind, we have gone about a week without arguing, and tomorrow is his birthday. With potential for a friendship in mind, do I or do I not contact him to say happy birthday? I am afraid that if I do, it will look like I am thinking about him too much and confuse him. If I don't, I am worried that he will be offended and it will set us back in the progress we have made. Any advice?
bambi_4 Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 He doesn't deserve u being nice. Why do u want to be friends??? If u do want to say happy birthday, do it in a text /sms or e-mail do it the day after just simply sayin belated happy b-day. So it looks like u were busy and weren't sittin there just thinkin of him. Dont worry about offendin him, he wasn't too worried about u when he cheated. Move on. SORRY!!!
Author ltomlinson81 Posted October 12, 2004 Author Posted October 12, 2004 Good point. I am being too nice. I am moving on, it is just that after 4 years, our relationship had so many different parts, and now it is hard to throw away the friendship in addition to the rest of it.
Adunaphel Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Go ahead and call him to say happy birthday if you feel like it. If he gets confused....well, his problem, not yours. If that day you won't feel like calling him, ignore his birtday. You still have mixed feelings... if breaking the no-contact and talking to him might cause you emotional distress, don't call. Imo, given the situation you are in (he cheated on you and you obviously are not over it yet) only a very self centered person would get really offended. I am afraid that if I do, it will look like I am thinking about him too much and confuse him. If I don't, I am worried that he will be offended and it will set us back in the progress we have made. You can call also send him a text message the next day, saying something like "hey, I just realized that yesterday was your birthday ... hope you had a great day!"
bambi_4 Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 I know its difficult but I'm sure u have plenty more friends than him, ones u can trust. Its bad enough he thought it was ok to cheat on u, he can't think you'll stay friends with him afterwards. Maybe when the pain and hurt has sub-sided ye can be friends, then his actions can't hurt u.
Leikela Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 You don't neccesarily have to talk to him on his birthday. I think a simple E-Card would be appropriate. It shows you remembered his birthday but that you didn't go out of your way to actually buy him a card or give him a call.
kiwi29f Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 Why wouldn't you call him & wish him happy BD, as long as your still friends. Just b/c you say happy bitrthday doesn't mean happy birthday I want you back.
Weird Posted October 12, 2004 Posted October 12, 2004 well, if you want to send him some bday greetings then do it.
backspn Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I agree. So you broke up. So you guys are trying to be friends. Why the hostility? Just tell him happy birthday. I get so tired of these people who have such scorn in their hearts. So he cheated on you.....you broke up with him.....good for you...I am proud of you...he doesnt deserve you right now. But doesnt everyone deserve a 2nd chance? Whether it be friendship or not. Be the better person here and wish him a happy birthday. I am glad you are considering it and have thought of it.
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by backspn But doesnt everyone deserve a 2nd chance? Whether it be friendship or not. Be the better person here and wish him a happy birthday. I am glad you are considering it and have thought of it. Not everyone deserves a second chance. If the person consistently demonstrates a lack of respect for you as a person (i.e. being kept on a string, only contacting you for selfish reasons, etc.), there is no reason to extend a second chance to them. My ex's birthday will be next month, and I only plan to send her a very impersonal e-card that day. Unless, of course, she continues to try and use me as doormat between now and then, in which case she will have an empty inbox to look at. At the most, you should let them know you're still around but doing just fine with your life, however untrue that may be. Never let him forget that he hurt you, at least not until he is willing to come clean and truly work things out with you.
bambi_4 Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 I agree with iceisles. I've just been through a break up and the thing I regret must was still being nice to him when he didn't deserve it. I thought I was being the better person I wasn't, I was being a doormat.
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by bambi_4 I agree with iceisles. I've just been through a break up and the thing I regret must was still being nice to him when he didn't deserve it. I thought I was being the better person I wasn't, I was being a doormat. Did you eventually catch on to his game and stop talking to him? I think I'm a nice guy and don't like to hurt people, but she definitely doesn't deserve my friendship right now. If she can prove that I'm not a doormat one day, maybe I'll speak to her again. Being used is such an awful feeling and it feels great to sever ties (even temporarily) with the one walking all over you.
bambi_4 Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Ya I did. I really regret staying in contact wih him. I thought I was doing the right thing for myself but I wasn't. He was initiating the contact but he was keeping me on a string. The best thing I done was stop contact. Just sorry I didn't do it initally. I didn't realise that if I stopped contact, that if it was to be, it wouldn't matter that I needed space. I was only hurting myself. I was giving him power over me and I wasn't taking control of my enviroment. I was weak. I'd give everybody the advice to at least try NO CONTACT.
iceisles Posted October 13, 2004 Posted October 13, 2004 Originally posted by bambi_4 Ya I did. I really regret staying in contact wih him. I thought I was doing the right thing for myself but I wasn't. He was initiating the contact but he was keeping me on a string. The best thing I done was stop contact. Just sorry I didn't do it initally. I didn't realise that if I stopped contact, that if it was to be, it wouldn't matter that I needed space. I was only hurting myself. I was giving him power over me and I wasn't taking control of my enviroment. I was weak. I'd give everybody the advice to at least try NO CONTACT. My ex probably thinks I am counting the seconds until she calls again. Just wait until she gets my voicemail a few times.
Telematiks Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I finally ended an 8 year relationship in May 2005 (we had a month "break" in Nov 2003, but just couldn't seem to reconcile). I had to do it in the form of a letter after attempts to talk about it, and he wrote me back to concur. I'm still a bit miserable, but he and I knew that things weren't going so well. His birthday is in a couple of weeks. We don't talk, nor do we have any desire to get back together. I was told not to send a birthday card. I doubt he would misinterpret it, because he barely wanted to get back together the first time. He has no friends, so I thought that I would just send him a text message just as a nice gesture. Does that seem appropriate? After reading the posts here, I think a card would be too much. I feel bit guilty if I don't send anything and don't expect anything for my birthday, because I've always been the "thoughtful" one. One of the reasons for the "departure" was due to his indifference about me. Any suggestions?
Leikela Posted October 5, 2005 Posted October 5, 2005 Yeah, ditch the card idea. A simple text message sounds good.
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