A shout out to those dating guys (or girls) and don't end up overanalyzing everything

[GI_Joy]

For a love so free...won't ever fly away.

 

A couple months ago I got out of a relationship (actually, calling it a relationship would be a disgrace to relationships) that left me feeling insecure, inadequate, paranoid, and psycho. Because the guy never fully invested in me, because he was only one foot in and one foot out, I found myself chasing him, playing "emotional detective" to every little breadcrumb that I could scrounge for in efforts to validate what I thought I had.

 

I started dating someone in May who I had held no expectations of. I had just started finding myself again but had no intention of rushing into anything at the time. The first date left me speechless-- he dressed up, suit and tie and all, gave me roses, had wine, dessert and a movie waiting back at home, even ended the night with a guitar serenade.

 

I instantly thought there had to be a catch. But there were none.

 

My miserable experience from the ex left me feeling more guarded but a lot more wise and had allowed me to be more objective and not get rushed by all the nice things in the beginning. But this new budding romance left me intrigued.

 

Everything that was missing in every other dating experience I've had, I found with this guy. He appreciates me for who I really am. He is consistent with his actions. He gives and expects nothing in return. He upholds values and has a character that I truly admire for myself. His passion for his beliefs and the passion that emanates from his music can be felt by my own soul.

 

However, I am full aware of all his flaws--he's a combat vet whose traumatic experiences in combat have left him with survivor guilt and depression and some paranoia. I've exercised my newfound ability of establishing boundaries by being there for him when he needed a shoulder to lean on and to leave him alone/ give him space when I felt like I was becoming a "caretaker" of sorts. He isn't exactly "rich" and he doesn't live in a great neighborhood. I've accepted his flaws, not because I'm an accommodating person but because I believe his good traits outweigh all his "bad" ones.

 

I do not find myself overanalyzing every little unanswered text or statement he makes. I don't find myself questioning or doubting his trust, or feeling like I'm getting the short end of the stick. I've come to realize that I, myself, am not a "clingy" or "insecure" person, and it was the lack of EVERYTHING in my previous relationship that left me feeling that way.

 

When it comes to dating, love should be free and feel free. I used to be wary of opening my heart up but I'm starting to realize that dating doesn't have to be all about the small things, like why he didn't say good morning to me or why he did A and B and not X, Y, Z. I'm hoping for all you folks who are experiencing relationship anxiety that you come to a realization that dating shouldn't be focused on the specific "behaviors" and analyses but the fundamentals, how you feel as a whole when you are with that person. Because once you establish that core compatibility, you won't find yourself stressing over the little things.

 

Can anyone here relate?

[KungFuJoe]

Relate? I totally agree!

 

Unfortunately, the fact that you even brought up this topic means that you ARE an overanalyzer.

[GI_Joy]

Relate? I totally agree!

 

Unfortunately, the fact that you even brought up this topic means that you ARE an overanalyzer.

 

Hahahah. You caught me there. I won't deny that. But I don't find myself going through cycles of rumination/becoming prisoner to my own thoughts like I used to.

[KungFuJoe]

Hahahah. You caught me there. I won't deny that. But I don't find myself going through cycles of rumination/becoming prisoner to my own thoughts like I used to.

 

That's good and it's a step in the right direction. Like many many people on this site, I too am an overthinker/analyzer (with OCD to boot! yay!).

 

But I'm slowly trying to learn how to control the way my thoughts make me feel. You can never stop "thinking"...but you can control the emotions your thoughts "inspire" in you.

[Casablanca]

I'm an over analyzer and I won't even deny it, that is who I am. I am a math guy, I teach it and think it and study it...it is in my nature to analyze every possible scenario...