ana0pera Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I was in an LDR that ended a few months ago, went NC and was doing really well. Still am doing pretty well actually. I've done a lot of healing but I know there is still some ways to go. I've been traveling a lot lately by myself and while I am meeting new people, the culture gap makes it hard and I've been a bit lonely...with a positive outlook, yes, but lonely. So I started talking to my ex again. small chit chat, friendly stuff. not discussing our past at all or anything remotely romantic. A month ago, he made a comment about how he didn't have anything planned for the summer yet but how I was going to be visiting a country near him, and I replied jokingly asking if he was coming to visit me. He didn't respond for a few days and the next time we talked we changed the subject and we didn't speak of it again. Fast forward to last week, I've arrived on his continent and we've been talking a bit about how I like the city, etc. I've started to miss him a lot...doesn't help that everywhere I go there are couples having fun and I'm all alone! We were supposed to be here together, but then we broke up. Well, I got bold and asked him if he wanted to come visit me. Based on his last reaction, I didn't expect an answer and I knew I was putting myself out there to potentially get hurt, but I took the risk anyway. He didn't reply right away so I thought he was just going to ignore it, which was fine, but then he did get back to me a day or two later, apologizing for the late response and then asking what days I had in mind. We talk a little about it and it turns out that he doesn't want to travel...I'm only here for about two more weeks and he has a trip during one of the weekends I am available, and another trip the weekend after, and doesn't want to do three weekends in a row of trips. I tell him I understand, and the conversation is over. Now I know I should forget it, but I can't right now at least. I am wondering if he actually wanted to see me or was just playing along trying to be nice (or worst, manipulative)? He knows that our break-up had a big impact on me and that it came at a time when I was very unstable emotionally. Is the fact that he didn't ignore my message hopeful that maybe he's still interested, or do you think was he just playing games? After all he did have excuses (busy with work, lots of other trips) but on the flip side I did ask him on short notice and I know I can't expect someone to drop everything for me. We broke up because he was hurt by my trust issues and he said that he wanted us to stay friends, whereas I told him that I couldn't be his friend at the time, I was too hurt by the breakup. Well now I miss his friendship and would like that and possibly more, although I wouldn't enter into a relationship with him again unless some things were more clear. I feel like him engaging in the conversation with me about visiting was like dangling some hope in front of me and then taking it away... he probably had no intention to visit anyway but was just trying to be the "good" guy. For now, I'm going back to NC, will work on enjoying the rest of my time here.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 We broke up because he was hurt by my trust issues and he said that he wanted us to stay friends, whereas I told him that I couldn't be his friend at the time, I was too hurt by the breakup. Well now I miss his friendship and would like that and possibly more, although I wouldn't enter into a relationship with him again unless some things were more clear. Um, isn't this the ex that treated you badly?
Author ana0pera Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I don't think the text message was too strong, it did come out of nowhere when I sent it so that might make it appear too strong... it was like one sentence, along the lines of "this is random but would you like to visit me for a few days while I'm in X?" Even so I bet it sounds desperate Um, isn't this the ex that treated you badly? It's more fair to say we both treated each other badly. I'm not bawling my eyes out over him, and when I do get sad (which fortunately is more rare these days) I think about our breakup in which I don't think he was fair to me, it makes me angry and less desiring of him as a bf. I do miss having him as a friend, he was a great one of those, the transition from friend to boyfriend was too fast for him and he obviously wasn't ready to be my bf (and I wasn't ready either, in retrospect). I've heard many times that you can't be friends with an ex--but if you want to get back with your ex, don't you have to start at the friend stage first for it to work? I feel like there's a lot of trust and things that need to be relearned when you take a second go at it... things easier to do as friends...but I am new to all this so I don't know. I am not sure if I want to get back with him. As I said, a number of things would have to change in order for me to get back with him, but I am definitely open to the possibility. What I am wondering now is if he is also open to that possibility or if he's just playing games.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 It's more fair to say we both treated each other badly. No, I remember and I have just had a look at your thread. He treated you badly by ignoring you for a long time and cranking up your anxiety. He treated you in a way that was aimed at making feel bad about yourself and shut communication off completely. Why would you want to be friends or have anything to do with someone like that?
Author ana0pera Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 No, I remember and I have just had a look at your thread. He treated you badly by ignoring you for a long time and cranking up your anxiety. He treated you in a way that was aimed at making feel bad about yourself and shut communication off completely. Why would you want to be friends or have anything to do with someone like that? I am in no way denying what you're saying and like I said I have reservations about dating him again-partly to do with that, partly due to other things-but I also recognize that I provoked those actions by going behind his back and talking to his ex and saying some bad things about him when we were in a rough patch. I feel like what he did was manipulative to me, but that's probably the only way he knows how to protect his feelings. Once when I was very mad at him I ignored him for an entire day (while we were on a trip together no less)! He did finally open up to me about it and we sort of apologized to each other. I am done speculating about why he did that though, I am past that. That said, every time I've needed him besides the time that I went behind his back, he's pulled through for me. Sometimes it took a little longer than I (an East Coaster who moves at a NYC pace) would've like, but he always did, and I really value that quality in him. That is why I value his friendship, but I don't know if things will ever be like that for us again. I've put the ball in his court, I'm going NC again and will spend my free time enjoying my last few weeks of traveling.
loveunlimited Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 This sounds too much like *I was running down the hall and silly me I ran straight into a fist!* It never ceases to amaze me how much people back-pedal to justify a a mistake they're about to make, because they have decided to let their hearts rule their heads instead of their brains. Sorry but this is exactly what you sound like. I hope you make the right decision based on common sense and good advice, and not on what your heart is insisting on clogging your eyes up with. 1
Author ana0pera Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Well at this point I don't have to worry about making the "wrong" decision because the ball is in his court. And I am not going to pick it up before he does. Thanks for the advice!
Emilia Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I feel like what he did was manipulative to me, but that's probably the only way he knows how to protect his feelings. Once when I was very mad at him I ignored him for an entire day (while we were on a trip together no less)! He did finally open up to me about it and we sort of apologized to each other. I am done speculating about why he did that though, I am past that. That said, every time I've needed him besides the time that I went behind his back, he's pulled through for me. Sometimes it took a little longer than I (an East Coaster who moves at a NYC pace) would've like, but he always did, and I really value that quality in him. That is why I value his friendship, but I don't know if things will ever be like that for us again. I've put the ball in his court, I'm going NC again and will spend my free time enjoying my last few weeks of traveling. It sounds to me that you are making excuses for him. I remember how distressed you were on that thread. I suppose I will never really understand why instead of facing that you picked the wrong man who was ultimately petulant and weak, you feel you need to make excuses
Author ana0pera Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 It sounds to me that you are making excuses for him. I remember how distressed you were on that thread. I suppose I will never really understand why instead of facing that you picked the wrong man who was ultimately petulant and weak, you feel you need to make excuses Maybe I am making excuses for him but can't see them as excuses right now... some weird recovery tactic perhaps. But that's neither here or there anymore. He obviously doesn't want to see me--he had "excuses" that might be totally valid, or could just be b.s.--and I need to face the fact that we are not seeing each other in the next few weeks or perhaps ever again, and move on. I am taking it really well but I can do one step better and stop reaching out to him period, and that's what I am doing now.
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