pyramid Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Personally I wouldn't accept alimony from a woman. Child support yes if I end ended up with the kids but that' s for the kids. More and more women are getting higher paying jobs and majority of these women won't date down. There are only so many high earning males out there so they will end up alone. I paid alimony to my ex for 3 years (he paid me child support, so it mostly washed each other out). I don't care how much money a guy earns as long as he supports himself. I've dated "down" more than up. I don't think most of the guys would have guessed my salary - I tend to live below my means.
salparadise Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 It's easy enough to accept in principle, but the subtleties of the dynamic are different in a number of ways. Both people need to be sensitive to it, and abandon the egos. Nevertheless, it hard to integrate. I think after marriage it may get easier since finances would be merged, more or less.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) I'm an Engineering Professor at a major research university and currently dating someone who makes (my guess) about half the money I make (or a bit less than half). Thankfully, he has the same education level, that helps. I admit that I'm a bit worried about this, for practical reasons (things we could afford to do, who is paying for things) and psychological reasons. For example, I noticed he is sensitive that he hasn't traveled outside the country, so I try not to "brag" about having been to India, Brazil etc etc etc, all the many places I've been to. He doesn't need to know about my travels unless it comes up somehow. We've only been out four times, but it feels "steady" already. I plan the dates because he's traveling to me. I try to plan "free" and "low cost" activites, such as a picnic (I brought the food), walks, free museums, very casual lunches (e.g. Chipotle), casual dinners (not fancy restaurants). We'll go out to dinner tomorrow and I plan to offer to pay, since he paid for whatever had to be paid for three times now (once dinner, once coffee, once tour tickets) and to tell him that from now on we should alternate paying. The issue of income difference and how to approach it is for sure on my mind and I'm trying to be really sensitive about it. I'm especially sensitive since my ex husband, when he left me, he left me for being more succesful than him, he even told me "when I married you, I didn't know you were so smart":D Now, I don't think that's really the reason, obviously he didn't love me anymore, or he wouldn't have cared that I was "too smart", but it left me self conscious about being too "smart" or let's say "masculine". Edited June 18, 2013 by BluEyeL
thefooloftheyear Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Ive been a businessman and Entrepeneur my whole life and have always been the provider and the "heavy" when it comes to money..Now that I am a bit older and pretty well financially independent, I wouldnt mind one bit if the woman I was dating or in a relationship made more..I would welcome it..It would be a nice change..Im tired.. Heck, She can go knock herself out, Ill stay at home, go to the gym for hours so I look pretty for her, clean the house impeccably and even try to cook an edible meal, too! TFY
hppr Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I didn't know you were so smart":D Now, I don't think that's really the reason, obviously he didn't love me anymore, or he wouldn't have cared that I was "too smart", but it left me self conscious about being too "smart" or let's say "masculine". 50+ percent of people get divorced so it's not exactly like you are outside the norm on that account. Most women I have talked to won't date a man who makes substantially less because they don't want to have to 'fall back' on his income should something happen.
hppr Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Ive been a businessman and Entrepeneur my whole life and have always been the provider and the "heavy" when it comes to money..Now that I am a bit older and pretty well financially independent, I wouldnt mind one bit if the woman I was dating or in a relationship made more..I would welcome it..It would be a nice change..Im tired.. Heck, She can go knock herself out, Ill stay at home, go to the gym for hours so I look pretty for her, clean the house impeccably and even try to cook an edible meal, too! TFY Most guys I know who are married with kids would like nothing better than to work a lot less and be home with their kids a lot more. Only exception being the ones who have the sub 4 year old screaming babies at home, for them work is a refuge of peace and quiet lol.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Most women I have talked to won't date a man who makes substantially less because they don't want to have to 'fall back' on his income should something happen. I don't care, I'm tenured, nothing will ever happen, I have a high paying job for life. And if something does happen (a catastrophe of epic proportions), I'm pretty sure I'll take care of business as always.
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm an Engineering Professor at a major research university ... No kidding. Cool. Just goes to show there are many different types of women on LS. I'm still considering going that path but fear tenure would be very difficult to get.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm still considering going that path but fear tenure would be very difficult to get. Hell yeah:laugh: You could try a smaller university/liberal arts college.
RedRobin Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm an Engineering Professor at a major research university and currently dating someone who makes (my guess) about half the money I make (or a bit less than half). Thankfully, he has the same education level, that helps. I admit that I'm a bit worried about this, for practical reasons (things we could afford to do, who is paying for things) and psychological reasons. For example, I noticed he is sensitive that he hasn't traveled outside the country, so I try not to "brag" about having been to India, Brazil etc etc etc, all the many places I've been to. He doesn't need to know about my travels unless it comes up somehow. We've only been out four times, but it feels "steady" already. I plan the dates because he's traveling to me. I try to plan "free" and "low cost" activites, such as a picnic (I brought the food), walks, free museums, very casual lunches (e.g. Chipotle), casual dinners (not fancy restaurants). We'll go out to dinner tomorrow and I plan to offer to pay, since he paid for whatever had to be paid for three times now (once dinner, once coffee, once tour tickets) and to tell him that from now on we should alternate paying. The issue of income difference and how to approach it is for sure on my mind and I'm trying to be really sensitive about it. I'm especially sensitive since my ex husband, when he left me, he left me for being more succesful than him, he even told me "when I married you, I didn't know you were so smart":D Now, I don't think that's really the reason, obviously he didn't love me anymore, or he wouldn't have cared that I was "too smart", but it left me self conscious about being too "smart" or let's say "masculine". I've made more than most of my BFs and my now ex. Funny... my ex sounds similar to yours... so I understand. What I found is everyone is insecure about something. I have girlfriends whose careers took off and their husband either wasn't as ambitious for whatever reason, or his career passion doesn't pay as much. They seem to manage by not talking about work stuff at home (a lesson *I* could have learned!) and making sure their social life includes people who don't make distinctions or assign people value based on $$. They also share everything. Both of their salaries go into one pot. They decide together what is a reasonable amount of money they can each spend without having to check with the spouse... and they budget for that. I imagine it would work the same no matter who made more. I'd hate being a 'kept' woman and would not be with a man who made tons more than me if he felt the need to hold it over my head... or use it to manipulate me... so I can understand how a guy might feel if the situation were reversed. 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Hell yeah:laugh: You could try a smaller university/liberal arts college. Nah. I'm an engineer. All of my degrees are from huge public research universities. I also am not crazy about research and publication but think I would make a good teacher. It's nice to see someone a little closer to home. I read posts from women here and I start picturing them all as divas in high heels who draw their self esteem from how many men they can attract/reject.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I read posts from women here and I start picturing them all as divas in high heels who draw their self esteem from how many men they can attract/reject. Projection issues 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Projection issues Somewhat yes. But you have to admit there's a LOT of posters here who are not shy about telling people how awesome, smart, successful, and good looking they are, instead of simply implying it with what they do for a living.
StanMusial Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Hmmm... a lot of the use of the term "ex" by the ladies in this thread. Interesting. I've never dated anyone who made more than me. I don't really meet any female CEOs in my day to day life.
hppr Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm still considering going that path but fear tenure would be very difficult to get. If you want it just go for it. Figuring tenure is hard to get or whatever doesn't serve any purpose.
musemaj11 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Dating a woman who makes more than you means that you will be paying for the expenses of someone who is wealthier than you.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 If you want it just go for it. Figuring tenure is hard to get or whatever doesn't serve any purpose. Off topic, don't mean to hijack this thread with issues about Academia, but in fact, I think getting a tenure-track position at a major research university is much much harder than getting tenure once there. Not that getting tenure is easy, but it's easier than getting the job in the first place. Also, if he doesn't like research, there is no point in working for a research intensive institution. There are teaching intensive institutions who are great for people who love teaching and not research so much, and where you can get tenure and live happily ever after too. Also JJS, being an engineering student (I think you are still a student, right?), I think you shouldn't have problems having girlfriends that are not high heels wearing divas, from among the fellow female engineering students.
will1988 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 <It appears> the guys HERE would embrace a 'sugar mama' type who makes more than them. The guys out in the real world? You'll probably get mixed results. I'm a bit old fashioned, so I am one of your mixed results. I would feel emasculated if I dated someone who made 3 to 4 times more than me. Albeit, that is a substantial amount of money so I may be willing to suck up my pride a little... but still, my pride would be hurt.
BluEyeL Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I've made more than most of my BFs and my now ex. Funny... my ex sounds similar to yours... so I understand. What I found is everyone is insecure about something. I have girlfriends whose careers took off and their husband either wasn't as ambitious for whatever reason, or his career passion doesn't pay as much. They seem to manage by not talking about work stuff at home (a lesson *I* could have learned!) and making sure their social life includes people who don't make distinctions or assign people value based on $$. They also share everything. Both of their salaries go into one pot. They decide together what is a reasonable amount of money they can each spend without having to check with the spouse... and they budget for that. I imagine it would work the same no matter who made more. I'd hate being a 'kept' woman and would not be with a man who made tons more than me if he felt the need to hold it over my head... or use it to manipulate me... so I can understand how a guy might feel if the situation were reversed. These are pretty common issues in marriages where partners start out young and in time the wife becomes more successful, it often leads to resentment. I read on it, it's a real thing. For us, we've met as freshmen in college (19 yo), had the same major, and he always thought he was smarter than me (I was just shy, not stupid), but he wasn't confident/decisive, had low self esteem, was really passive, so after a few years of waiting in poverty and stagnation (4 years after marriage exactly), I had to take the bull by the horns and I started to drag that train, left for the US, brought him here, and continued to lead the way until the competition between us led to marriage failure. In the process, he had a lot to gain from my efforts, and of course he has his merits too, got his degree and all. Oh well, it was a pretty nice/successful run, as long as it lasted. I'm happy and my take is that's how things were supposed to be happening. But I'm surely careful about these things. Divorce rate in educated people is nowhere near 50%, so not so many unattached successful men my age.
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'm a bit old fashioned, so I am one of your mixed results. I would feel emasculated if I dated someone who made 3 to 4 times more than me. Albeit, that is a substantial amount of money so I may be willing to suck up my pride a little... but still, my pride would be hurt. 3-4x more than me is around 300K, which is borderline rich even here in southern Cal. I wouldn't feel threatened because I am worthy in other ways. If you have looks, status, or popularity, you can be dirt poor and you'll be fine. Money doesn't get women sexually attracted to you.
will1988 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 3-4x more than me is around 300K, which is borderline rich even here in southern Cal. I wouldn't feel threatened because I am worthy in other ways. If you have looks, status, or popularity, you can be dirt poor and you'll be fine. Money doesn't get women sexually attracted to you. I have status for someone my age, i am popular, looks are iffy... i have a fiance though, and she makes a lot less than me, which i don't care about. To your last sentence, you are right. Power always trumps money. I know someone like that. lots of power, decent money, but not wealthy.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 If you have looks, status, or popularity, you can be dirt poor oxymoron. People with status and popularity aren't dirt poor, if they are, they don't have status.
will1988 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 oxymoron. People with status and popularity aren't dirt poor, if they are, they don't have status. Not really... while, yes, they wont be dirt poor, they don't need to be really wealthy. For example, SES level Government Employees or Politicians. They do have a max pay. They have power, and a decent amount of money, but may not be wealthy. That is of course the exception to the rule, which seems to be true here in the DC area more than most of America.
Emilia Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Not really... while, yes, they wont be dirt poor, they don't need to be really wealthy. For example, SES level Government Employees or Politicians. They do have a max pay. They have power, and a decent amount of money, but may not be wealthy. That is of course the exception to the rule, which seems to be true here in the DC area more than most of America. so they aren't dirt poor then. You can't be poor and have status.
Southern Cal Dude Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 oxymoron. People with status and popularity aren't dirt poor, if they are, they don't have status. Bartenders(hi), club promoters, those with good looks(hi) don't make a ton of money. I only make $600/week in tips on average and that doesn't stop women from wanting dates and sex. You can be poor and still popular and attractive. Prime example, me.
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