Is it my time? and how?

[sweet_pea]

I almost feel like he didn't have a real DDay where the affair is revealed, more that his wife became suspicious and he talked himself out of a hole. I could be wrong, but I guess I figure that if he had an actual DDay, he wouldn't be so bold as to text you that night and visit you the next day. He'd probably be doing damage control at home, ya know?

 

Anyway, I hope you're doing ok considering your circumstances right now. I know that you've been feeling really down lately, and I'm genuinely concerned because of your weight loss and how you've been describing your feelings with relation to the affair. This affair isn't healthy for you, in my opinion, and DDay or not, I really hope you can end it soon and get the help you need, you deserve much better than this.

[LilGirlandOW]

I guess you could call it a partial dday, she's all over him about me, she's seen the "call logs" and knows how often we talk, whatever he said to explain that i dont know, tonight when he visited he was sick as a dog... has the flu and me being me, didnt wanna "bring it up"... it is torture, yes.

 

Yesterday, I just tried to give him an easy out cause of the whole discovery by BS, he said he didnt want that and I was his backbone and his only enjoyment out of life, aside from his kids, is spending time with me.

 

I'm starting to think, and here's the part I hate admitting, but I do too much for him, aside from constantly being available. Like I was raised in the mindset... you get married and you take care of your man, like a 50's housewife. His wife is the exact opposite, so when he's with me at my house, his second house cause he has a key and is free to come and go as he pleases, I take care of him as such. Like after a long day work I pamper him and just really take care of him in everyway. He goes home and she's right on him about he didnt do this or that, so my addiction to him is his escape from that.

[LilGirlandOW]

I just dont know anymore... he is taking a transfer to a new site thats not 5mins from my house, like where he is now, but that he has to go past my house to get home after work... like right past it.

 

And I was thinking the transfer would be good cause that fresh start would possibly trigger him to think other fresh starts like with BS, but I'm almost thinking its gonna make things worse cause its now in a city where nobody knows either of us, making it very easy to be "a couple" for me to visit him at work and stuff. I cant see him at work now cause I used to work there also as his employee and he woulda been canned in a second had anyone found out, now its a whole new district, and upper mangement who dont know me or BS, so it will be interesting to see how this plays out.

 

This whole thing makes me almost miss my xH, that i never thought i'd say in a million years

[Turtles]

I guess you could call it a partial dday, she's all over him about me, she's seen the "call logs" and knows how often we talk, whatever he said to explain that i dont know, tonight when he visited he was sick as a dog... has the flu and me being me, didnt wanna "bring it up"... it is torture, yes.

 

Yesterday, I just tried to give him an easy out cause of the whole discovery by BS, he said he didnt want that and I was his backbone and his only enjoyment out of life, aside from his kids, is spending time with me.

 

I'm starting to think, and here's the part I hate admitting, but I do too much for him, aside from constantly being available. Like I was raised in the mindset... you get married and you take care of your man, like a 50's housewife. His wife is the exact opposite, so when he's with me at my house, his second house cause he has a key and is free to come and go as he pleases, I take care of him as such. Like after a long day work I pamper him and just really take care of him in everyway. He goes home and she's right on him about he didnt do this or that, so my addiction to him is his escape from that.

 

Yeah, I don't know if I would want to change anything if I were him, sounds like he's found a pretty good plan. He gets to keep living with his kids and visit his girlfriend who is ready to pamper him whenever he feels like it. I wonder if his wife has dinner on the table when he makes it home? Or if not, who feeds the kids? You know what, she might have a good point too about him not doing this and that, if he spends a couple hours getting pampered after each hard work day. Think about it?

 

Sorry if that comes out a bit sarcastic... it angers me to see good women putting their life on hold for a two-face coward as this one sounds like he might be.

[Got it]

Lil, You are spending a lot of time in your head and little in actual conversation with him. Spit it out and tell him what you are thinking and feeling. Stop giving him all the power to make decisions. You have the right to be heard, allow yourself that right.

 

For myself, when dday hit, he was with me. He still stayed the night and prior to him going home to talk to her about it, he was planning and was honest about it, we did dinner. He never really stopped communicating with me, etc. There was no major change or clean up at home.

 

But, since we discussed from the beginning that the affair was a short term plan for both to divorce, I did not see the need to continue the affair after dday. While I understood why he didn't immediately, within the first week, leave as there was a great amount of turmoil, I could not be part of continuing things so we had a fight and ended it.

 

For myself, I had to draw that line and now show him what life was like without me. And he needed to focus on things at home, and make some ultimate decisions without me there softening the edges. I know that his hesitation to leave was due to money and kids and I knew as long as I was okay with the affair, it would probably continue because he did get the best of all worlds that way (and no there was nothing between him and her outside of coparenting).

 

But it was a very hard decision and was devastating for me. I didn't know if I was strong enough to do it but I knew deep down what was best for me and my ultimate plans in life. And so the idea that I was walking and if he caught up quickly enough that I was still interested then bully for him. But if not I knew I was going to have a good life regardless. It sucked, it hurt, I cried SO much. But I knew, for myself, I had to do this. For me, the affair was the means to an end, that was all. But I vocalized that from the beginning and I settled enough in my marriage, I was not going to settle in the affair (and I really don't feel like I did).

 

So I walked and he has said that seeing life without me was an eye opening experience for him. He realized what he was losing and effected change.

 

I didn't do it as a gamble to get him, though I did want him, I did it for me. At that point we were at the end of our timeline and now was the time to leave. If not he needed to make things better at home and he and his wife needed to work things out (they had both had an affair by this point with no real reconciliation on either end). Beyond everything I wanted him happy and where he wanted to be. And I wanted to be happy as well.

 

Listen, this man is luckier beyond belief to not only have a wife but a mistress. Regardless of the violins playing on the ills in his life, he is getting some definite perks. Don't underestimate the benefits you are bringing to the table and expect to be rewarded for them. Many men don't even have one woman let alone two. I always saw it as I was doing him a favor so it better be appreciated or someone else was more than happy to appreciate. I enjoyed my time in the affair, I was a very high maintenance mistress and did not cut him any quarters just because he was married. Actually the exact opposite. That was a major negative for him so he had to do more to make up for it.

 

What do you want? What is your plan design? Figure it out and communicate it. I was where I wanted to be each day and changed things when needed. I was no longer going to settle, or be afraid of standing up for myself, or feel like I had to take care of someone else at the detriment of myself. I did that in my marriage and I was done. I was not going to overextend myself again at the detriment of myself. I recommend the same for you. Stop hurting yourself. If you are happy in the affair, be in the affair. If you aren't, leave. Figure out what will make you the happiness and control what you can control; yourself. It's hard, it sucks, and it can hurt but the rewards of being your own best advocate are priceless.

[Got it]

Everyones heart is not getting broken because of dday. Dday is going to put an end, hopefully, to the selfish behavior that has caused everyones heart to be broken. DDay is a wonderful thing!! It causes the truth to come out for everyone. Unless of course the ow knowingly lets him continue the affair while staying with his wife. Then it just goes underground farther...that I will never understand.

 

Which definitely happens for dday. Which is why it is odd to say that you love ddays. Ddays don't necessarily mean that everything is out in the open, everything is great and the BS has all the information they need. A dday can mean that now active gaslighting is taking place, more egregious actions are happening and the BS is in even a worse spot than before. It may also mean that the BS is now in a false reconciliation which I have heard is even more painful, the second dday from that, then the first.

 

You may appreciate that the truth may out, that everyone is on the same/similar page, that it may empower the BS to effect decisions, but love is an add adjective to use. It is definitely an opportunity to level the playing fields but it is not a be all and end all to mean that the affair is over and then mistreating of any party is over.

[Got it]

I just don't get it. What is not to love about women finally getting the truth and being empowered to make change? It is the best thing that can happen. The man is faced with the reality of what he is doing to both women. It needs to happen to move forward. The affair is what causes the pain not the revealing of the affair.

 

Because you are assuming that dday equals Truth. That isn't always the case. You may have some truth but there are a lot more lies, etc that can happen. It isn't a black and white thing that all ddays mean an equal distribution of information and power to all individuals. I think that is a naive view point.

[Goodbye]

It equals truth for the bs. They now can kick his cheating butt to the curb or work on reconciliation. It's an equal playing field now. Unfortunately the ow oftentimes still allows him to have his cake and eat it too even though he begged to stay with his wife. It should equal truth for the ow too. If he chooses not to leave his wife then that should be it for the ow too or he will go to her. It seems so simple.

 

 

Yes, and the BS often allows him to eat cake by accepting him back with half truths and rationalizations about the OW being the one to blame for his indiscretions.

[Spark1111]

Yes, and the BS often allows him to eat cake by accepting him back with half truths and rationalizations about the OW being the one to blame for his indiscretions.

 

Only if the OW allows it.....

[Got it]

Seriously people? I swear y'all claim that the OW is in a fog!?! What a Disney version of what dday is and the wonderfulness that comes out of it.

 

There are so many assumptions here and I can't believe that it is a WS who is having to play the pessimist. Why do you assume that the OW even knows about the dday? There are ddays that happen that the OP doesn't even know happen. So in that case, that doesn't line up with your scenario.

 

If there are half truths, lies, and omissions it is not this amazing mecca of enlightenment that is being espoused. Can it be? Sure. Does it most situations? I doubt it.

 

Everyone has the ability and power to effect change at any time. So a dday isn't needed necessarily for that.

[Turtles]

Kristi, I get what you are trying to say, and while I agree with you that you may see it as a good thing that a dday occurs, the fact is people are hurting on dday.

Yes, it is the affair that is doing the damage, but people ARE in pain. EVERYONE does get hurt in some way on Dday.

You may think it's the right thing, and you're probably right, that it's good if it all comes out, but you seem to be taking a perverse pleasure in the concept of it, that's what I find objectionable and odd in your post.

 

That's like saying you love watching babies get vaccinated. Sure it's all for the good of the child, and long term it's a GOOD thing, but that baby is crying and hurting while it happens so how can you enjoy or love that moment?

 

That's a good comparison. I am sure Kristi meant he liked what the dday would bring (i.e. the truth and chance to move on), not the heartache that is part of it.

[Spark1111]

Kristi, I get what you are trying to say, and while I agree with you that you may see it as a good thing that a dday occurs, the fact is people are hurting on dday.

Yes, it is the affair that is doing the damage, but people ARE in pain. EVERYONE does get hurt in some way on Dday.

You may think it's the right thing, and you're probably right, that it's good if it all comes out, but you seem to be taking a perverse pleasure in the concept of it, that's what I find objectionable and odd in your post.

 

That's like saying you love watching babies get vaccinated. Sure it's all for the good of the child, and long term it's a GOOD thing, but that baby is crying and hurting while it happens so how can you enjoy or love that moment?

 

But, see?

 

This is the keeping of secrecy that both APs embrace for whatever reason or excuse they deem necessary.

 

it would have been hurtful to learn or be told my spouse had developed feelings for another, but it would not have devastated me the way lying to my face daily for almost two years did.

 

It is not in the telling, it is in acting complicit and robbing me of my reality.

 

DDAY, as painful as it was, was also liberating and a relief to know I wasn't crazy and it explained soooo much of his critical and distancing treatment.

 

And it is so condescending of two adults in an affair to decide telling the BS is more hurtful then telling the truth.

[Spark1111]

Seriously people? I swear y'all claim that the OW is in a fog!?! What a Disney version of what dday is and the wonderfulness that comes out of it.

 

There are so many assumptions here and I can't believe that it is a WS who is having to play the pessimist. Why do you assume that the OW even knows about the dday? There are ddays that happen that the OP doesn't even know happen. So in that case, that doesn't line up with your scenario.

 

If there are half truths, lies, and omissions it is not this amazing mecca of enlightenment that is being espoused. Can it be? Sure. Does it most situations? I doubt it.

 

Everyone has the ability and power to effect change at any time. So a dday isn't needed necessarily for that.

 

Yes, it is....for a BS operating under false assumptions that her spouse is committed to them and a future with them and the WS is allowing it and feeding it.

 

DDAY, while painful, is a GODSEND.

[krazikat]

That's a good comparison. I am sure Kristi meant he liked what the dday would bring (i.e. the truth and chance to move on), not the heartache that is part of it.

 

The heartache is the side effect of being involved in an affair. I understand that the ws/ap would rather not experience the inconvenience of a dday, but regardless of the devastation i felt as a bs on dday, i love that it happened. I would love even more if the A hadnt happened in the first place, but I know exactly what kristi is saying and agree. It is not saying she loves the pain, but the knowledge.

[waterwoman]

D-day didn't hurt. I was numb and in shock. But it enabled me to find out what had been going on and make some demands of my own. The hurt came later. And neither h nor myself can be sure what would have happened without d-day at that point but I am fairly sure there'd be no marriage left to fix. For us it was good. I wouldn't use the vaccination metaphor, more like vomiting over the toilet bowl after one too many tequilas - really horrible, disgusting and you have a humdinger of a headache but the mending can start from then even if the hangover lasts for years.

[georgia girl]

yes, heard from him today, late in the day which is unusual...like nothing had happened, and he's on his way to visit after work, I know I am pathetic

 

My previous attempts have all failed miserably, I think tonight i'm gonna try and ask him, why doesnt he think I deserve him fulltime kinda scenario, its important to me that i figure this all out,

 

Odd story, I was at coffee with some GF's who dont know I'm an OW... we got talking about that show "The Mistress" on lifetime. They all start throwing daggers about "what kind of woman would"... "I would be green in the face with guilt" and so on.. In my head I'm answering their questions.... One of their best friends, myself, would... And I'm a very caring, genuine person, and I feel absolutely no guilt,, I try to keep the feelings I have about our situation relevant to us two... I feel jealousy of BS, not guilt for BS, If I were a MOW then maybe guilt would come into play...

 

 

I think this thread has gotten a bit off track.

 

LGOW,

 

Do you have an update? Your post above concerns me because you are obviously not happy where things are and his wife obviously suspects, so even if he lied and covered things up for now, you're definitely headed for a DDay. Then, it sounds like on the surface, your friends may not be supportive?

 

Finally, as for not feeling guilt, I think that you probably have never been married, correct? Once you're married, your perspective may change.

 

Most importantly, I hope you have a friend to talk to. Could you approach one of your girlfriends in confidence?

[LilGirlandOW]

I was married for 10yrs, seperated just before the EA started, I wanted the seperation and my MM helped me through it (of course he did right, lol). I feel no guilt because I see him as having two lives, which he does, one I'm in when were together and the other when he's at home. I find the speration of the easy somehow cause that guilt, if any is felt should be on him, IMO.

 

As far as an update, things seem the same with us, still constantly in contact and such. I'm still feeling physically sick and mentally going insane with the regular OW triggers that keep us guessing/wondering/hoping/fearing. I need the facade to end, just have no backbone to stick up for myself.

 

Its funny cause regarding my GF's, I had been close to letting them in on my situation a hundred different time since the A started, and now its gonna be tougher since I know there perspective.

[Spark1111]

I was married for 10yrs, seperated just before the EA started, I wanted the seperation and my MM helped me through it (of course he did right, lol). I feel no guilt because I see him as having two lives, which he does, one I'm in when were together and the other when he's at home. I find the speration of the easy somehow cause that guilt, if any is felt should be on him, IMO.

 

As far as an update, things seem the same with us, still constantly in contact and such. I'm still feeling physically sick and mentally going insane with the regular OW triggers that keep us guessing/wondering/hoping/fearing. I need the facade to end, just have no backbone to stick up for myself.

 

Its funny cause regarding my GF's, I had been close to letting them in on my situation a hundred different time since the A started, and now its gonna be tougher since I know there perspective.

 

What IS their perspective?

[LilGirlandOW]

My GF's? Well they watched that show where they try to reform mistresses, and took turns "OW bashing", when they had an OW right at the table with them, some women think you can sniff an OW out, its not that easy.. I'm the LAST person anyone in my life would imagine being an OW, and here i am.. So yeah they're anti-ow so to speak, ha

[ComingInHot]

lilgirl wrote, " am.. So yeah they're anti-ow so to speak, ha"

 

Hey lilgirl, what would you describe as your friends being "Pro-Affair/OW/OM"?

 

Are these friends of yours M? Or have Committed Relationships?

 

Maybe, if you were honest with them, and if they are sincerely good friends, they may of course remain "anti-Affair" but become "Pro-LilGirlandOW"?**

 

I am TOTALLY against Affairs & Cheating!! Grrrrr.

BUT...

My VERY good friend told me about her Affair and trusting in our friendship, made herself vulnerable to my reaction.

I have supported her fully and helped her regain her footing to once again live authentically*

I am very Pro my friends"!

[LilGirlandOW]

goood point CIH, sometimes i come close to confiding in different people about my MM, and its almost like the skipping game double dutch, watching the two ropes, trying to figure out the best time to jump in so you can start skipping, but i'm not good at double dutch and finding when the rythems just right to jump in so you just dont wind up tangled in the ropes is really hard for me:o

[BrokenPrincess]

I told one friend who is outside of my local group, and who I knew had an A a few years ago. I confessed to her while my A was in full swing and everything was great. My second friend is DEFINITELY anti A, but surprisingly, she did not beat me down. I called her 2 days after DDay when I was sobbing so hard, pulled over on the side of the road because i couldn't go home and see my H, and I just didn't think I was going to make it out of the pain ever. And she was shocked but she listened, had empathy for my situation, she knows this was someone I must have cared for very much, and eventually, she gave me a little tough love. Like CIH said, she was "pro-friend" above anything else.

 

I would really, really encourage to see if you have anyone you can confide in now, before things get worse. If you end up with a true DDay or even just ending it yourselves, you're really going to need some support and hopefully someone to hug you tight.

[ComingInHot]

LilGirl wrote, " and its almost like the skipping game double dutch, watching the two ropes, trying to figure out the best time to jump in so you can start skipping, but i'm not good at double dutch and finding when the rythems just right to jump in so you just dont wind up tangled in the ropes is really hard for me"

 

Great analogy!

Also works perfectly w/A's* lol

[ComingInHot]

Lfh wrote, " You'd be shocked at how many of your "anti-affair" friends might privately admit to you NOT in front of the rest that they themselves had been in a situation of their own. People tend to hit hardest at the things that bother them personally."

 

LFH Hammer/Nail/Head. My H was. Huge voice against A's & cheating. It boggles my mind. I also think you're right in that she may well be surprised that a few of her girlfriends have been involved PA or EA or tempted/considered another than their spouse.

For me however, I'm adamantly against A's because I was cheated on. Yet I love my friends regardless*