LilGirlandOW Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Today briefly i met with my MM during which he was saying he has things he needs to figure out in his life, possible work transfer and home life (wants to see his kids more cause he works alot), this made me feel as though he was thinking about being at home, he didnt outright say that, I mean you can spend more quality itme with your kids anywhere, its just how i took his tone and such, he then said he loves me a few random times, and then said he needs to find a new place to live.. I will seee him tonight after work, is this the time where i should lay it down? I'm TERRIFIED that he will say ok bye, maybe that would be for my better but I'm scared as hell, my instincts tell me today is the perfect day, but my lack of courage is holding me back... I dont know how to approach the subject, Help!
threelaurels Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 What exactly do you want to approach him about?
Goodbye Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I'm not sure where you stand. Do you want to be with him? Does he want to be with you? Does his wife know? When he says he needs a new place to live, what does he mean? I assume you are talking about giving him some sort of ultimatum about when he needs to leave his wife. If this is the case, I think you should be very sure that is what you want. After that, spell it out clearly and stick to it. Good luck.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 He's hinting and on some level giving you up a heads up that there will be changes. He wants to be with his kids, closer to them. Rightfully so. I would take what he's said that he is leaning towards detaching from the A. Whatever is going to happen will happen, but I hope you really dig down deep, find the courage to tell him that how things are now isn't working for you and you need to end the A. Don't be afraid of the pain of losing him. Ending it now will prevent you from further heartache when the time comes he moves and spends even less time with you. Be the strong one to end it now. 1
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Ok so the cliffnotes: 9mnths in A, he is a MM of 16yrs, wife doesnt know. He's been talking even before the A started that he wants to find a new place away from the BS to live cause they fight to much in front of the kids and he doesnt want his children to grow up thinking thats how a marraige should be (ironic is our situation i know) but the fighting is in their face so i can understand. Him and BS have been living in a roommate so to speak situation for years, with he says no initmacy, i assume a little at least. I cant handle the actual physical pain of being in our situation, I'm starting to think I'm too good of a catch to be someones secret, this frustrates me to no end! But our A has been although "underground" develpoing like a real realtionship would, at 7mnths he told me he was in love with me, and wanted us to be with eachother forever. I pressure absolutly nothing on him, just an open ear when he needs one about his state of relationship dynamics. She severs ties to his family at all costs, they arnt too fond of her because of this, and most of them know/have met me.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Oh and we started off as boss/employee, i have left the company and started my own business and he fully supports me (in every way but financially) with this. Aside from lovers, we truely are great friends/best friends.... its tough, but somedays I want all in, somedays i wanna run and never look back, not out of guilt but because I'm starting to think i NEED more out of a mate.
Goodbye Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I know you've addressed this before, but WHY doesn't he get a divorce if things are as he says?? Does he really believe getting another place to live because he has such a hostile relationship with his wife is LESS confusing than getting a divorce? I suspect he is playing you. He is selling you on how bad his marriage is to string you along...he doesn't want to leave his wife. 2
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 The hold up, he says, is financial, and with the move out a seperation would happen, divorce to follow. What he's been saying hasnt changed, just its been all talk so far. So in 3 hours he'll be here and I dont know what to say or do, I'm starting to think the stabbing pain is a real p[ain, possible an ulcer or something, cause i can barely lift things its a real pain.... Its strange when i first came to these boards it was all rainbows and butterflys in my mind and how quickly i'm starting to see through the fog of glory... I thank you all for pulling my head out of the fog, at the very least I'm not there anymore... and I dont know what i would have done, or how i would have handled a d-day being in that state... its going to be hard in the state I'm in, and I feel rather grounded lately...so to speak.
georgia girl Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I am a big believer in having confidence and asking for what you want/ need in a relationship and then holding your partner to your standards. If he/she doesn't meet them, move on. Until you give and demand equity, a relationship out of balance can never survive. You sound very smart and confident. Do what is best for you without ever deliberately hurting anyone else and you will be fine. Good luck! 3
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 More than NEED, you DESERVE more. Don't wait for him to decide to give it to you. Power is an easily abused thing, especially in relationships. I've decided future fakers are emotional abusers. Instead of hurling insults, they control with compliments and adoration. Either way, the end result is cruel because they know they won't deliver. Very interesting viewpoint, coming out of an abusive M of 10yrs i find it hard to disagree with you on this one, i know i spend alot of time hurt.. i really wish they has some kinda mistress anonymus meet up group in my area, lol, he'll be here in 2 hours and i'm still lost for words, usually i'd be on a super high knowing hes on his way.... i feel none of that tonight.
Goodbye Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 More than NEED, you DESERVE more. Don't wait for him to decide to give it to you. Power is an easily abused thing, especially in relationships. I've decided future fakers are emotional abusers. Instead of hurling insults, they control with compliments and adoration. Either way, the end result is cruel because they know they won't deliver. Wow, yes. My exMM was a MAJOR future faker. During our last visit, I pretty much told him to shut up when he started down the road of what a fantastic step dad he'd be to my girls. It is an AWFUL thing to do to someone...someone you know loves you and is eating it up. 1
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 well dday has arrived, his bs knows something is going on. i am weak as **** and couldnt say much aside from im here if you need me. wow. am i really though? he says im his backbone and part of him. the only thing he's sure of in his situation of chaos. if this house of rainbows and fairytales we share when we're together and apart falls, fades or suddenly disappears like i realized how could it not.... at least i know or i hope i realize that its just how things were meant to be. he left my house on the phone fighting with bs, texted an i love you in his way home. possibly the last text ill get based on others experiences. but i think im somewhat mentally prepared for all this i hope. hope is all i have tonight, not him just hope...
whichwayisup Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 well dday has arrived, his bs knows something is going on. i am weak as **** and couldnt say much aside from im here if you need me. wow. am i really though? he says im his backbone and part of him. the only thing he's sure of in his situation of chaos. if this house of rainbows and fairytales we share when we're together and apart falls, fades or suddenly disappears like i realized how could it not.... at least i know or i hope i realize that its just how things were meant to be. he left my house on the phone fighting with bs, texted an i love you in his way home. possibly the last text ill get based on others experiences. but i think im somewhat mentally prepared for all this i hope. hope is all i have tonight, not him just hope... It's out of your hands now so just focus on you and grieving the loss. Your A is over. She knows and the shi.tstorm is hitting him big time. Be strong and whatever you do, don't contact him. When he contacts you, ask him to please leave you alone and respect his wife's wishes when she tells him NC with you. Keep busy, be active and be around friends who care about you.
ComingInHot Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 lilgirl, if you slept at all last night, that's good. I'm sorry it's come to a DDay. No matter what happens from here between you and MM, Be Honest. Be true to yourself. Be true to MM's Wife, should she call. Be true to MM. No more secrets. No more lies. No more accepting second or third to his W and family. The Only thing you should be saying to MM, is "call me when you're single"!! Do use LS to vent & post your feelings & events. Do use your p.m. privileges to share w/others privately who have been in your shoes. Do sleep. Do eat. Do get hugs from the ones who Love You No Matter What. Do talk to someone you can trust, face to face. Do find Something to smile about Every day. Chin up lilgirl. Chin up* 1
Got it Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Today briefly i met with my MM during which he was saying he has things he needs to figure out in his life, possible work transfer and home life (wants to see his kids more cause he works alot), this made me feel as though he was thinking about being at home, he didnt outright say that, I mean you can spend more quality itme with your kids anywhere, its just how i took his tone and such, he then said he loves me a few random times, and then said he needs to find a new place to live.. I will seee him tonight after work, is this the time where i should lay it down? I'm TERRIFIED that he will say ok bye, maybe that would be for my better but I'm scared as hell, my instincts tell me today is the perfect day, but my lack of courage is holding me back... I dont know how to approach the subject, Help! If you want definition for your relationship, if you want to know a timeline and that is important to you then you need to just lay it down. How do you do it? You sit him down and say "honey we need to talk. I wanted to know where you see our relationship going? I want x, y, z. How do you feel about that? Is that something you are interested in? If yes, what are the steps needed to get there? If no, then what do you envision for our relationship?" And then you go from there. I think that any OP that is interested in more needs to discuss it as early as possible and get the details hammered out. For myself, I also recapped it in writing and we both agreed to the terms in it as well as covering different communication, conflict resolution, and time needs that we had. Do not hide from the unknown for fear it isn't what you want to hear. You need as much information as possible. Be your own best advocate, ask the hard questions, listen to the answers, and do what is best for you. ((((lil)))))
Got it Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 well dday has arrived, his bs knows something is going on. i am weak as **** and couldnt say much aside from im here if you need me. wow. am i really though? he says im his backbone and part of him. the only thing he's sure of in his situation of chaos. if this house of rainbows and fairytales we share when we're together and apart falls, fades or suddenly disappears like i realized how could it not.... at least i know or i hope i realize that its just how things were meant to be. he left my house on the phone fighting with bs, texted an i love you in his way home. possibly the last text ill get based on others experiences. but i think im somewhat mentally prepared for all this i hope. hope is all i have tonight, not him just hope... Oh jeez, I am sorry. Please take a deep breath, try and focus on your life, and figure out what you want. ((((Lil))))))
WakingUp Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Well Kristi, Im all for honesty and out in the open... But sometimes it just brings a new kind of trouble. I don't think a d day is something to love.
Goodbye Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'll raise a glass to that one. Mine talked about the role he'd play with my children in the future. Thankfully, they don't know he ever existed. Breaking my heart is one thing but my children? I honestly don't know if I could have forgiven myself if that had happened. In a final email, I told him he didn't deserve to know my children. Despite his life blowing up at the time, he really took offense to that. He's lucky they didn't have to endure losing him. I might have been posting for some help with a shovel and a body. I never let the exMM meet my children either. He used to get upset with me because I didn't ask enough questions about his son. How odd. I'd ask basic things...but as long as I was someone hidden and he was commited legally to a wife, I didn't feel it was my business. I refrained from the future faking.
Goodbye Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 well dday has arrived, his bs knows something is going on. i am weak as **** and couldnt say much aside from im here if you need me. wow. am i really though? he says im his backbone and part of him. the only thing he's sure of in his situation of chaos. if this house of rainbows and fairytales we share when we're together and apart falls, fades or suddenly disappears like i realized how could it not.... at least i know or i hope i realize that its just how things were meant to be. he left my house on the phone fighting with bs, texted an i love you in his way home. possibly the last text ill get based on others experiences. but i think im somewhat mentally prepared for all this i hope. hope is all i have tonight, not him just hope... I'm glad that you remain positive. I mean, positive that you'll be ok somehow. I'm sorry you are going through this. Do you mind telling us what happened? What lead to the d day? Hang in there. 1
Journee Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 That's kind of twisted. No one should love ddays. LilGirl.. I hope you got some sleep, how are you feeling today? I referenced this just yesterday in a post. I hate DDays only because I hate to see people in pain. I do not think it is twisted to force people to be honest. Why the betrayed do not deserve to know where they stand just as much as an AP I do not understand. Most people actually hate for others to be heartbroken. Most people have tremendous capabilities for empathy. If any of the OW/OM here were being lied to ,betrayed and had there sexual health compromised I would want them to be granted the truth. To have the knowledge they need to at the very least protect themselves in whatever way they see fit. To hope an affair continues just so that the AP and WS get what they want is not showing the greatest capacity for empathy either. How is being relieved that all parties can put their cards on the table twisted?..but not continuing to deceive? I'm sorry LGOW, I do not want to take away from the pain you are feeling I just cannot see how beneficial it is to anyone to continue the lies....well except those already in the know. Yeah, everyone will hurt but everyone will be alright. NO one will disintegrate (even when it feels like it). NO one will spontaneously combust (even when that's all you hope for some days). NO one will make or break someone's value and what is meant for them in the future. LGOW, I wish for you strength in the coming days. You will learn from this just as you did your previous relationship. I hope for you the type of love that never has you feeling the physical pain that you described. I am sure your anxiety is through the roof coming from your abusive past. I hurt for you because I know that kind of panic and often times constant pull in the pit of your stomach. You will be okay. Time to be honest. Everyone.
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Thank you everyone for the support, I actually slept well last night, a few tears on the pillow, but i feel like I'm grieving the loss of him, he texted me last night after he got home like everything was ok, saying all this and that and a very sweet goodnight message, like nothing had happened. I cant keep my blinders on though for my own sake. So todays a new day, a gloomy rainy day too, perfect for my mood, not so perfect for getting out and getting my mind off of him. I just gotta force myself to start eating again,,, I've lost 15lbs in the recent weeks cause of stress of it all, I'm down to 98lbs and nothing fits anymore...
Journee Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Thank you everyone for the support, I actually slept well last night, a few tears on the pillow, but i feel like I'm grieving the loss of him, he texted me last night after he got home like everything was ok, saying all this and that and a very sweet goodnight message, like nothing had happened. I cant keep my blinders on though for my own sake. So todays a new day, a gloomy rainy day too, perfect for my mood, not so perfect for getting out and getting my mind off of him. I just gotta force myself to start eating again,,, I've lost 15lbs in the recent weeks cause of stress of it all, I'm down to 98lbs and nothing fits anymore... I hate to hear how this is affecting your health. Does this sound ,look or feel like what love should be? All the drama ,ups and downs ,impending DDays ,"will he leave? Won't he?" feelings? Why sign up for this? You deserve better. You have been through a lot but you will make it through this too. 1
BrokenPrincess Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 I'm glad to hear you got some sleep...that's actually pretty phenomenal. After Day, I think it was a solid 3 weeks before I could sleep longer than 3 hours before I'd wake up & start crying. Have you heard from him today? Is he committing to his M? Hope you were able to keep busy today ((hugs))
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 yes, heard from him today, late in the day which is unusual...like nothing had happened, and he's on his way to visit after work, I know I am pathetic My previous attempts have all failed miserably, I think tonight i'm gonna try and ask him, why doesnt he think I deserve him fulltime kinda scenario, its important to me that i figure this all out, Odd story, I was at coffee with some GF's who dont know I'm an OW... we got talking about that show "The Mistress" on lifetime. They all start throwing daggers about "what kind of woman would"... "I would be green in the face with guilt" and so on.. In my head I'm answering their questions.... One of their best friends, myself, would... And I'm a very caring, genuine person, and I feel absolutely no guilt,, I try to keep the feelings I have about our situation relevant to us two... I feel jealousy of BS, not guilt for BS, If I were a MOW then maybe guilt would come into play...
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