sarahfort Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Hi there, Quick overview. We're in our mid 20's. He works, I work and go to school. We aren't currently living together , although we tend to sleep over basically every night. We love each other very much, we are faithful to one another, I would never do anything to hurt him - and he treats me the same. He's told me I am the love of his life, and I know he is mine. Ok. The problem: He works. Alot. His job is extremely demanding and he gets his 40 hours a week, the job requires him to work some overtime. On top of this is career requires him to teach lessons on his own time (woohoo extra money), and when he isn't' working or teaching lessons, he practices so he can perform well in tournaments. Yes he is an athlete and very passionate about the game of golf. I have always been very supportive of his goals/ dreams. And Although it can be hard some days I try and understand his work schedule and understand why he works as much and as hard as he does. I am much less busy. I go to school in the fall/winter. But from april-september I just work. A regular 40 hour work week with no weekends. I am the least busy , when he is the most busy. He is burned out from working all the time. Even his days off arent ever full days off. And because he is so busy and I get most of my alone time while he's at work - He feels like when he isnt working I'm always there. And he's right I am. But I love his company and do not nag or pry, I simple enjoy spending my time around him. He has expressed the need for an evening or two by himself sometimes. Not because ive done anything wrong - or that I'm no making him happy. He said he doesnt have any time to himself. I really cant help but feel extreme guilt, like all of this stress is my fault. I am always trying to do nice things for him, cook him dinners when I know he'll be tired after work, fold his laundry if I see it sitting there, and I always tell him how much I care. So why is it that men, even the ones with great girlfriends , still need to retreat to their caves? Does it mean i've done something wrong or that he's questioning the relationship? Or do men ( and some women) really just need to be alone to recharge/unwind when life gets stressful. I want to understand so I can give him his space without worry. I love him and just want him to be happy and under less stress. What can I do or say to make him feel better? Is his need for some alone space normal? I don't need to be around him 24/7, but I certainly don't want him pulling away from ME. Ps. For those of you who will say he is sleeping around. No, he isnt and wouldn't. That boy has got a good mama and she raised him right. And I've already asked him if his need for "space" is a reflection of him wanting to end the relationship, and he said definitely not. He wants me in his life. Some mature advice, or knowledge please?
noble Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I think you are reading too much into this, so try to relax about it. It sounds like your boyfriend really does love you, but it's not a GUY thing to need alone time, it's a human thing. You yourself said that you get a lot of alone time during the week because your schedule is less busy than his.. but he has no alone time. I know that when I am really busy sometimes the best thing in the world is coming home, taking a bath, looking at stuff on the internet or reading and just unwinding in silence by myself. It just helps me to destress and relax. I get a lot more alone time than my boyfriend, and he has said the same thing about how when he gets off work he's just instantly with me and sometimes he needs a little time to just chill out on his own. It absolutely has nothing to do with you and you should not get your feelings hurt at all. I know it can feel like them saying they dont want you around, but that's not it at all... Just imagine that your life was packed and you worked constantly and the moment you got home your bf wanted your attention.. wouldn't you wanna go into the bathroom alone to paint your nails, or take a nice relaxing shower in silence? You should give your boyfriend this much needed alone time, and it will only benefit your relationship. Firstly, he will appreciate that you see this is a need of his. I'm sure he appreciates all the other little things you do for him -- but leaving him some time to himself will show that you value his need for space over your desire for together time and a man will appreciate a woman who can give him the space he sometimes needs whether it be to zone out watching tv or working on a hobby or whatever.. And secondly, when he has the alone time he needs then he will be able to miss you when you're not together and the next day when you do see him it will make you feel more loved and appreciated when he acts actually excited to see you. I know with my BF we see each other constantly so he never is super excited to see me, but when he go a day without seeing each other I always get the warmest welcome and that makes me realize that he did miss me and really loves me. So just back off a little bit..
noble Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I realized that I didn't really answer a lot of your questions in my post so.. Yes it is normal to want alone time. No it does not mean you should worry. No it does not mean that he wants to end the relationship. However, if you refuse to give him some time to himself he actually might start pulling away. Yes, even men with beautiful awesome girlfriends want alone time. Even brad pitt wants time away from angelina jolie. 1
noble Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Also, you should be thankful that your boyfriend is man enough to actually communicate this need to you and you should thank him by showing him you understand. A lot of guys out there wouldn't even be nice enough to verbalize this to their girlfriends and instead would just start pulling away out of the blue. So don't worry about him cheating!! Hes not. He's too busy to cheat. 1
Author sarahfort Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thank you, for a quick, honest and relatable reply. It's really hard for me not to take it personally when I feel like what little free time he actually has, he doesn't want to see me. It may not seem like a big deal if its just 1 evening here and there, but it IS hard to not think " What did I do wrong". Also when he says things like this, it makes me wonder how we'll ever live together. It's something we've talked about but I can't imagine he will ever want to live with me, until his NEED for being completely alone goes away. Somehow, even when I am with him, I am able to enjoy my own space/ read a book/ watch a tv show. I simply love to just be in his company, be able to look over and give him a smile even if we arent doing the same things. Love him - certainly don't want to compromise that.
clia Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I don't think wanting 1-2 nights alone each week is necessarily "cave time." (In fact, this sounds very reasonable to me.) It sounds like he has a lot going on, is stressed out, and wants some alone time. I completely understand this. For me, when I'm stressed, I need to be alone. It stresses me out more to have to be with someone else. He is burned out from working all the time. Even his days off arent ever full days off. And because he is so busy and I get most of my alone time while he's at work - He feels like when he isnt working I'm always there. And he's right I am. But I love his company and do not nag or pry, I simple enjoy spending my time around him. Even if you aren't nagging or prying, you are there when he wants to be alone. That in and of itself is annoying. The fact that he's told you it feels like you are always there should be enough to clue you in. Go home. Since you have all this free time, maybe you should spend some of it with your friends or taking a class or taking up a hobby. It only adds to his stress when you are around and he really doesn't want you there. I really cant help but feel extreme guilt, like all of this stress is my fault. I am always trying to do nice things for him, cook him dinners when I know he'll be tired after work, fold his laundry if I see it sitting there, and I always tell him how much I care. But see...he doesn't want this. He just wants a night or two alone each week without having to have a big conversation about it. He wants you to voluntarily make other plans that don't include him, so he can do his own thing without feeling guilty. He doesn't want you to cook him dinners or do his laundry when he doesn't want you there. I know you feel like you are being nurturing and it should be no big deal to him, but you know it is...because he told you. So why is it that men, even the ones with great girlfriends , still need to retreat to their caves? Like I said, I don't see this as caving. I see it as perfectly normal request for some time alone and a night or two off from other people, including you. Does it mean i've done something wrong or that he's questioning the relationship? Not necessarily. You haven't given us enough information to know whether this is a pull back or an innocent need for some alone time. If you've been spending every night together, that can get smothering. Or do men ( and some women) really just need to be alone to recharge/unwind when life gets stressful. Some do. I do. I want to understand so I can give him his space without worry. I love him and just want him to be happy and under less stress. So, my advice to you is to not see him more than four days a week, and to not have more than three overnight stays together each week. Make plans with your friends, take up a hobby, go shopping, go to the gym, take a class, and do other things to fill your time. Just give him his space. What can I do or say to make him feel better? See above. Take it upon yourself to get up and leave voluntarily, on your own, and without him asking you. Take it upon yourself to do other things without him. Give him space. Don't talk about it -- just do it. Is his need for some alone space normal? It's totally normal.
Author sarahfort Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Clia, Thank you. He likes when im over for sleepovers. Often it is the only time we have to catch up or talk about our days. Where he works it is a very classy members only kind of place and cell phones are a big nono. So during the day I get a quick "love you" and thats about it. I think if I pulled away that much he would feel lonely. I do spend alot of my time with friends/gym/yoga as it is. Thats how much he works. I'm talking 60-70 hours a week. The mornings he has off ( shift work), I am stuck working myself. He said maybe a night to himself a week. Which after nobles comments I am feeling alot better about. I guess I just felt like his stress was all because of me - I felt really guilty. Its funny though. We had this conversation last night - and it's almost like once I listened to him, and agreed to give him his space whenver he needs it, all of a sudden he's making all sorts of plans with ME for his evenings off this week... Fishing/ golfing/ cooking dinner. Almost like he's happy that he knows he has the option and now feels more in control of how he spends his time?? Lol . Men. Edited June 17, 2013 by sarahfort 1
crederer Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Him asking for some alone time is okay. Give it to him. If he is having second thoughts about the relationship (which, I'm sorry to say, is likely the case) being all clingy and stuff will make it worse. Give him his space, and take yours as well. It'll work out if it's meant to be (and I know that's cliche as hell but it's the truth). Edited June 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author sarahfort Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 If you didn't read the whole post because it was too long for you, then you shouldn't have replied - because i clearly stated that the subject of a breakup was one of the first things I brought up and that isn't at all what he wants , and he has never thought of it. Sheesh.
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