Shes probably rejecting me but..

[Ryman]

Sweetie, you don't have to "clear up" anything with her. You wanted a date. Don't be embarressed about that just because she didn't. I don't even know why you want to try again.

 

I think she got the impression I was trying to say I like her, a lot. Which was not the message I was trying to convey, but yea Idk if I even want to be with her.

 

I wanted to add:

 

Im sure she had to of known what she was doing.. with her flirting and all. Before I texted her this, I talked to my friend on the phone that introduced us and he said "Yeah go for it, but just know shes kinda different, she used to go for the flavor of the week a while ago, Idk if she changed now, I wish shed grow up, maybe youll be the guy thatll help her see that. Good luck" So going by that in the back of my head Im thinking "do I really want that?.." I gave it a shot anyway(because why not). Probably dodged a bullet, who knows.

 

Edit: Everyone so far has been very helpful thank you!

Edited June 18, 2013 by Ryman

[Ryman]

Ryman, don't kick yourself for your approach to asking her out.

 

The fact is if she was into you, how you asked her on a real date wouldn't matter. She wouldn't say no because you asked too soon or in a text or whatever. She'd say yes and she'd be super stoked. If anything she would think the awkwardish approach was cute/sweet/endearing.

 

Waiting or asking in a different way wouldn't change the outcome.

 

Yea, I know. I really think I mustve did something terrible in a past life, this is the second time Ive gotten lead on by a chick(this one seemed the most into me out of any girl including girls who became my girlfriend..) only to be friendzoned.. in a row.. oh well. I guess on to the next one, unless this one wises up(wont happen). Thanks

[SJC2008]

Ryman, don't kick yourself for your approach to asking her out.

 

The fact is if she was into you, how you asked her on a real date wouldn't matter. She wouldn't say no because you asked too soon or in a text or whatever. She'd say yes and she'd be super stoked. If anything she would think the awkwardish approach was cute/sweet/endearing.

 

Waiting or asking in a different way wouldn't change the outcome.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

 

And if she was into you by chance and got spooked by your message, why would you want to date someone who's so fickle? And I don't mean that it a condescending way.

 

A new rule for me is that if I'm walking on eggshells or racking my brains trying to figure her out, she's not interested and/or our communication styles just don't match. I'm not expecting 100% "fluidity" but dating with the right person should be easy and fun.

[TheFinalWord]

Right, I honestly wasnt trying to "buy" her interest, I really thought she was already interested lol. Your advice is good however, I do want to make myself clear just so were on the same page, I wasnt trying to say I like her like her, just that I wanted a date(pretty much what weve been doing except for adding in that one word..), if she still turns that down then the next time she contacts me I will use that line you gave me because it sums it up perfectly. Thanks for the help

 

lol that's cool. About bribing, I meant that in terms of going forward after being friend-zoned. A lot of times after being friend-zoned (and I've done it too, most of us guys here have, not hating on you man) we will think "oh if I just keep taking her out, buying things for her, fixing her car, etc. whatever your talents are, eventually she will cave and like me". We think that b/c this is what all the movies show us. But in reality, it never happens.

 

And I agree with the others, even if your approach was off, if she was into you, your approach would not have to be perfect. She would make it easy for you.

 

Yea, I know. I really think I mustve did something terrible in a past life, this is the second time Ive gotten lead on by a chick(this one seemed the most into me out of any girl including girls who became my girlfriend..) only to be friendzoned.. in a row.. oh well. I guess on to the next one, unless this one wises up(wont happen). Thanks

 

No, it's nothing you did. You just want to make your intentions known from the get-go. "Hey you are really an interesting person, I would like to get to know you more and take you out on a date." That way, if she declines, you can know right away and not waste time and money.

[It's Just Me]

In my day, this chick would have been labeled as a c*cktease. Apparently, they still exist.

 

From a female perspective, if I was treated this way by a guy, I'd have dumped him a long, long time ago. When someone is truly interested in you, they follow through. End. Of. Story.

[Carenth]

Quite simply she is not interested. There is no reading between the lines here, she is just not into you. I really, really hate the term friendzone, because at the end of the day the people who end up "friend zoned" put themselves in that situation, by being indecisive and hoping that by pretending to be a friend of the object of their affections may come around.

 

If you can't handle been friends with her, lets not kid ourselves your not interested in being her friend. Then you have the choice to end that friendship. It's a bit rich to bemoan your friendship because you want more and they don't. You can't really fault a person for exercising the right to say no, which is why I loathe the term friend zone so much, it places a stigma on a person for saying "Sorry I just don't like you that way".

 

No amount of paying for her, spending more time with her, being extra nice super best friend will change this if the other person is not interested period.

 

You have 2 very simple choices now that you have confessed your feelings (and then retracted them the second she said she wasn't interested). You are not her friend anymore because you want more than that and you will resent her if you continue pretending to be her friend.

 

A) Be her friend and nothing more if you can handle this. Most people can't handle this but try to anyway, with the motive of trying to convince them to date them, that is not friendship. That is lying to yourself and the other person. Lament being in the "friend zone" but remember you chose to be there yourself.

 

B) Be honest and explain that you have feelings for her (without backing out at the first sign of resistance) and that being her friend is painful because of this, that you can no longer be friends at least until these feelings subside. If she wants to go on a date, contact you otherwise you will be going your separate way.

 

Most people do not do this because this would be seen as "losing" or "giving up" on someone they have invested a lot of time in. I mean a friend is better than being a stranger right? wrong. Why would you actively chose to be in a friendship that brings you nothing but grief?

 

Yes there are the rare exceptions of people becoming a couple from friendship, my partner and I became like this after a friendship of several years but it was very gradual and no we didn't feel that way about each other when we were friends.

 

Anyway at the end of the day it's up to you, I personally wouldn't be wasting anymore time if this "friendship" is painful for you and it seems it is.

 

Sorry if this post seems harsh but as some others have said the only way some people learn on LS is the harsh truth without the sugar coating. In future if you are interested in someone, don't be their friend with the intention of asking them out at some point because... most people will *shock horror* think you are their friend if you act like a friend. Ask them out from the get-go, save yourself a lot of time, frustration and resentment.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Carenth

[Ryman]

Quite simply she is not interested. There is no reading between the lines here, she is just not into you. I really, really hate the term friendzone, because at the end of the day the people who end up "friend zoned" put themselves in that situation, by being indecisive and hoping that by pretending to be a friend of the object of their affections may come around.

 

If you can't handle been friends with her, lets not kid ourselves your not interested in being her friend. Then you have the choice to end that friendship. It's a bit rich to bemoan your friendship because you want more and they don't. You can't really fault a person for exercising the right to say no, which is why I loathe the term friend zone so much, it places a stigma on a person for saying "Sorry I just don't like you that way".

 

No amount of paying for her, spending more time with her, being extra nice super best friend will change this if the other person is not interested period.

 

You have 2 very simple choices now that you have confessed your feelings (and then retracted them the second she said she wasn't interested). You are not her friend anymore because you want more than that and you will resent her if you continue pretending to be her friend.

 

A) Be her friend and nothing more if you can handle this. Most people can't handle this but try to anyway, with the motive of trying to convince them to date them, that is not friendship. That is lying to yourself and the other person. Lament being in the "friend zone" but remember you chose to be there yourself.

 

B) Be honest and explain that you have feelings for her (without backing out at the first sign of resistance) and that being her friend is painful because of this, that you can no longer be friends at least until these feelings subside. If she wants to go on a date, contact you otherwise you will be going your separate way.

 

Most people do not do this because this would be seen as "losing" or "giving up" on someone they have invested a lot of time in. I mean a friend is better than being a stranger right? wrong. Why would you actively chose to be in a friendship that brings you nothing but grief?

 

Yes there are the rare exceptions of people becoming a couple from friendship, my partner and I became like this after a friendship of several years but it was very gradual and no we didn't feel that way about each other when we were friends.

 

Anyway at the end of the day it's up to you, I personally wouldn't be wasting anymore time if this "friendship" is painful for you and it seems it is.

 

Sorry if this post seems harsh but as some others have said the only way some people learn on LS is the harsh truth without the sugar coating. In future if you are interested in someone, don't be their friend with the intention of asking them out at some point because... most people will *shock horror* think you are their friend if you act like a friend. Ask them out from the get-go, save yourself a lot of time, frustration and resentment.

 

Dammit, thats the thing, I wasnt trying to confess any feelings for her. It just came across that way I guess. All I wanted to do was say "Hey, I have a lot of fun with you, lets go on a real date from the get-go" but Im a terrible texter, which is why I wanted to call.

 

Trust me Im barely even hurt by this, compared to the last time, which to me shows I didnt have much feelings invested in her. Only reason for this thread is because her actions and response were very, contradictary, and it left me confused.

 

This is why I wanna clear up what I meant with her, that Im not saying I like her in that way, I was simply asking her on a date.

[Estate]

Dammit, thats the thing, I wasnt trying to confess any feelings for her. It just came across that way I guess. All I wanted to do was say "Hey, I have a lot of fun with you, lets go on a real date from the get-go" but Im a terrible texter, which is why I wanted to call.

 

How is there any difference?

You expressed an interest, and she is not interested. What more can you possibly say? What are you not getting here?

[Carenth]

Dammit, thats the thing, I wasnt trying to confess any feelings for her. It just came across that way I guess. All I wanted to do was say "Hey, I have a lot of fun with you, lets go on a real date from the get-go" but Im a terrible texter, which is why I wanted to call.

 

Trust me Im barely even hurt by this, compared to the last time, which to me shows I didnt have much feelings invested in her. Only reason for this thread is because her actions and response were very, contradictary, and it left me confused.

 

This is why I wanna clear up what I meant with her, that Im not saying I like her in that way, I was simply asking her on a date.

 

There is nothing to clear up, you asked her out and specifically said you weren't interested in being friends. Then backpedaled like a mad man the second she said she wasn't interested. You have past that line, you have admitted that you like her. You cannot pretend to be her friend at this point and if you do you have no one but yourself to blame if you become miserable in this "friendship".

 

See the thing is some women are just naturally flirty. I have a few female friends who are like that and I know it means absolutely nothing (not that extreme though and by god I don't buy them dinner). Here's the thing though I'm not secretly wanting a relationship with them. I value them as friends and that is it. A great way to **** up a friendship is to ask a friend out on a date you're declaring your romantic intentions. It will be very hard for them to trust that you aren't hiding a secret agenda after that. But as I said you're not kidding anyone but yourself if you think you're ok just being friends with this women.

 

Sometimes it will work, most of the time it will backfire in your face like fireworks on the 4th of July. That is why you ask people you are interested out before you go on "4 unofficial dates" which aren't dates if they are unofficial.

 

If one my friends I mentioned above asked me out, I would say no.

 

So you thought she was interested, fair enough. You asked her out she said no. Very, very simple, nothing that needs clarification.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Carenth

[Estate]

There is nothing to clear up, you asked her out and specifically said you weren't interested in being friends. Then backpedaled like a mad man the second she said she wasn't interested. You have past that line, you have admitted that you like her. You cannot pretend to be her friend at this point and if you do you have no one but yourself to blame if you become miserable in this "friendship".

 

See the thing is some women are just naturally flirty. I have a few female friends who are like that and I know it means absolutely nothing (not that extreme though and by god I don't buy them dinner). Here's the thing though I'm not secretly wanting a relationship with them. I value them as friends and that is it. A great way to **** up a friendship is to ask a friend out on a date you're declaring your romantic intentions. It will be very hard for them to trust that you aren't hiding a secret agenda after that. But as I said you're not kidding anyone but yourself if you think you're ok just being friends with this women.

 

Sometimes it will work, most of the time it will backfire in your face like fireworks on the 4th of July. That is why you ask people you are interested out before you go on "4 unofficial dates" which aren't dates if they are unofficial.

 

If one my friends I mentioned above asked me out, I would say no.

 

So you thought she was interested, fair enough. You asked her out she said no. Very, very simple, nothing that needs clarification.

 

Exactly, I have a friend from my home country who moved here a few months ago.

She's naturally very "touchy" and talks a lot and is kinda girls and always compliments people. All pretty normal stuff though, when she's laughing at me she'd touch my are or grab on to me walking, it's just what she and a lot of girls there do. It doesn't mean anything

 

On a work night out here a few weeks ago, we had such a huge laugh.

This girl had a few drinks and got chatting to one of our co-workers wives.

She was doing her usual talking, laughing, etc.

At one point she sort of brushed this womans bangs saying "I LOVE your hair, wow"... which is just normal for her.

 

The other woman seemed to take massive offense... it turned out that her touchy and complimentary nature made her think our friend was hitting on her, she hold her husband to tell our friend that she is a married woman and is NOT interested in woman, he had to diffuse the situation.

 

The US is very like that, people like their "personal space" so when someone invades it, it is either viewed as threatening or a sign of interest. They don't allow for some people just being naturally that way.

[salparadise]

I've followed the responses and realize that the majority opinion is that this is a simple case of the OP being FZ'd amid confusing signals. I remain unconvinced that it's that simple. Perhaps it's not worth monumental effort, but every time I read the part about...

 

shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing, etc etc.

 

it still make me think it's not a done deal... unless he gives up and goes away. In my opinion, assuming he thinks she's the real deal and has sufficient motivation, he should still try to pull her strings and make a move. It's not like they're old friends, just recent friends. He's not really concerned about preserving the friendship. All he has at risk here is the potential rejection––which results in exactly the same outcome as if he doesn't nothing. And if what he has to gain is deemed to be worth the insignificant risk and a bit of effort then why not push it and find out for sure?

Edited June 19, 2013 by salparadise

[Carenth]

I don't see what is not easy to understand. He thought she was interested, she said no. Seems pretty simple to me? If she is playing hard to get, which I do not think is the case. Then stuff that mind games are for children.

 

Generally speaking when someone says no, generally they mean no. I've been on the other end of this where girls who I have know and we were just friends thought I was interested in them and I wasn't asked me multiple times if I would go out with them. Each time I got more annoyed and distanced myself because I liked them as a person but I didn't want to date them.

[salparadise]

I undersand that's your perception. What I don't understand is how you became the ultimate authority on what this particular woman is all about. I don't see it as being nearly so black & white, a done deal or whatever. If guys always took the first "No" as the last word the world would be seriously underpopulated. The point I'm making is that he basically has nothing to loose by being more persistent. If it turns out that she is not seduceable, he ends up at exactly the same place he is before he tries. Sometimes women like to be pursued and make a guy work for it, and sometimes they've even been known change their minds! If she isn't screwing anybody else, and if he's played his cards exactly right... who knows what might happen.

Edited June 20, 2013 by salparadise

[Carenth]

I never claimed to be an ultimate authority. I just see it as a very simple situation, if he so wishes to continue pursuing her then that is his choice ultimately.

 

If he was to continue to pursue her I wouldn't recommend pretending to be her friend. I've seen enough of my friends do this and end up bitter and angry that the person they pine for "just won't give them a chance!" when the other party has clearly stated on numerous occasions, they are not interested in anything but friendship.

 

I think in this case it would probably be a waste of time because he has basically put his foot in his mouth at this point. I would think his time would be better invested going after someone who reciprocates his feelings rather than chasing someone who has stated they are not interested.

[Estate]

I undersand that's your perception. What I don't understand is how you became the ultimate authority on what this particular woman is all about. I don't see it as being nearly so black & white, a done deal or whatever. If guys always took the first "No" as the last word the world would be seriously underpopulated. The point I'm making is that he basically has nothing to loose by being more persistent. If it turns out that she is not seduceable, he ends up at exactly the same place he is before he tries. Sometimes women like to be pursued and make a guy work for it, and sometimes they've even been known change their minds! If she isn't screwing anybody else, and if he's played his cards exactly right... who knows what might happen.

 

SHE SAID SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.... Jesus some of you guys get so creepy. Glad I'm not a woman dealing with this crap.

[Carenth]

Basically continuing to pursue someone after they have said they are not interested, will have one of the following effects.

 

A) Piss that person off because you aren't respecting their decision and thus that person will respect you less every time you bring it up. (This is how I felt when it's happened to me).

 

B) They have low self-esteem and may whittle under your constant advances in that case congratulations in manipulating someone into having a relationship with you that they never wanted. I'm sure it will be fulfilling.

 

C) They are playing hard to get, in which case they probably enjoy mind games which in my opinion is a massive turn off.

 

D) They may genuinely change their mind. Which I find to be the least likely of the scenarios especially if done whilst pretending to be a "friend". The only times I have personally seen this happen is when the interested party walks away from the fake friendship and some time later they meet each other again and it goes from there.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Carenth

[salparadise]

SHE SAID SHE'S NOT INTERESTED.... Jesus some of you guys get so creepy. Glad I'm not a woman dealing with this crap.

 

Does it really bother you that much that someone has a different opinion?

Edited June 20, 2013 by salparadise

[Estate]

Does it really bother you that much that someone has a different opinion?

 

When it's piss poor advice that's only going to wind the guy up in a bad situation by pushing it.... then yes!

I mean, the poor guy doesn't want to let this go, if people keep re-affirming that he needs to push it with this girl then he's going to end up doing it and that's no what he needs.

[Ryman]

When it's piss poor advice that's only going to wind the guy up in a bad situation by pushing it.... then yes!

I mean, the poor guy doesn't want to let this go, if people keep re-affirming that he needs to push it with this girl then he's going to end up doing it and that's no what he needs.

 

The thing is, as long as its not in text, Im very good at not being creepy. Im always told by women and my friends how charming of a guy I am, even called silver-tongued. Ive talked my way out of near impossible situations. Im not saying I can convince her or anything, thats naive and kinda wrong in a way... but I know how to not come off as a creep is all.

 

That said, I do have nothing to lose, I dont fully care about having another girl friend, especially when she wants to be just friends but act like a girlfriend minus the sex and expects dates that arent called dates. She said it herself, she wants to "continue to go out like we have been". Meaning I pay for dinner or the activity, she jumps all over me and feels me up and allows me to do the same. Then I drop her off and we dont even kiss.

 

Well screw that, Im going to make my intentions absolutely clear in person(like I said Im a terrific talker, terrible texter), if she still says no, Ill fade into the night.. so to speak lol.

[Carenth]

Cool, let us know how that works out.

[TheFinalWord]

Basically continuing to pursue someone after they have said they are not interested, will have one of the following effects.

 

A) Piss that person off because you aren't respecting their decision and thus that person will respect you less every time you bring it up. (This is how I felt when it's happened to me).

 

B) They have low self-esteem and may whittle under your constant advances in that case congratulations in manipulating someone into having a relationship with you that they never wanted. I'm sure it will be fulfilling.

 

C) They are playing hard to get, in which case they probably enjoy mind games which in my opinion is a massive turn off.

 

D) They may genuinely change their mind. Which I find to be the least likely of the scenarios especially if done whilst pretending to be a "friend". The only times I have personally seen this happen is when the interested party walks away from the fake friendship and some time later they meet each other again and it goes from there.

 

Good list. One more:

 

E) The constant rejection makes the guy more infatuated "you want what you can't have" syndrome, which translates into tons of wasted time and emotional heartache. We see this here a lot. The guys concocts all sorts of scenarios, as he pursues an unavailable woman more and more:

 

"When she turned at the 90 degree angle, the sun glistened off her shoulder, and at that very moment a dove chirped. What do you think it means?"

 

"She liked picture on facebook of a man standing on the beach. When we were together on a pseudo-date, she said she liked the beach. I think she was doing that to send me a subliminal message to keep pursuing her"

 

Meanwhile, while this guy lives in fantasy land, the girl is not spending one millisecond thinking about him and is actually with another guy.

[Carenth]

Yeah I forgot that one. You pretty much end up like this.

 

The Horrifying Post-Date Rant Allegedly Sent by an Investment Manager

[Cutiepie1976]

I remember when that went viral two years ago. Unfortunately, some people just refuse to accept that a person isn't interested in them romantically no matter what you say to them.

 

 

OP, delete probably in the thread title.

 

Your "friend" is as clear as day in communicating this to you: she doesn't see you as a romantic interest. If you want to buy her meals and entertain her on your dime on these non-dates of yours, that's your choice. But you are nothing more then a platonic friend in her eyes. Your "silver tongue" and "charm" aren't going to change the outcome.

 

Some people are naturally very flirty with everyone. Accept that and move on. Please save the "charm" offensive...and your dignity.

 

When someone tells you she doesn't want to date you, believe her. She doesn't. Period. Let it go.

[Cutiepie1976]

YouTube

[Ryman]

I remember when that went viral two years ago. Unfortunately, some people just refuse to accept that a person isn't interested in them romantically no matter what you say to them.

 

 

OP, delete probably in the thread title.

 

Your "friend" is as clear as day in communicating this to you: she doesn't see you as a romantic interest. If you want to buy her meals and entertain her on your dime on these non-dates of yours, that's your choice. But you are nothing more then a platonic friend in her eyes. Your "silver tongue" and "charm" aren't going to change the outcome.

 

Some people are naturally very flirty with everyone. Accept that and move on. Please save the "charm" offensive...and your dignity.

 

When someone tells you she doesn't want to date you, believe her. She doesn't. Period. Let it go.

 

If you read what i said I wasnt saying i was gonna 'charm her into my arms at all', was simply stating I cant think of one time Ive come off as creepy to anyone so no worries there.