Shes probably rejecting me but..

June 18, 2013

Yeah friendzoned.

The best way to handle it in my view:

1) Hang out with her less and less until it's at a interval you deem is appropriate for 'friends'.

2) Don't mention anything about her friendzoning you or tell her she can't do this or that. Talking about being friend zoned just wrecks friendships.

3) You can be her friend only if you accept that it's only going to be friends, that she'll soon hook up with a lover, that your friendly playful time with her maybe end pretty quickly (usually overnight) once she gets a boyfriend.

4) If you can't be friends, just decrease the frequency that you see her, but don't make a big deal about it. It's not worth it. Just be nice and consider her a friend and install a boundary so that she knows what the relationship with you is. don't mention or describe the boundary in words. Just let her figure it out through your actions -- women will pick up on pretty fast.

Getting friendzoned isn't the worst thing really. Usually it's great because they have lots of available friends you can spoil with attention Sometimes they will even hook you up with their friends. Maybe even together :D:D:D (just kidding, got a bit carried away there with my imagination)

Just my view. I'm the king of getting friend-zoned so i know how it is.

SuperGeek

Edited June 18, 2013 by SuperGeek

June 18, 2013

See the problem Im having here is her words are friend zoned but lets still "go out" while her actions are 'Im more into you than even your past girlfriends were at this stage'.. shes sending extremely mixed signals, which is why I didnt want to discuss this over text but shes the text queen.. loves her texting. Good news is she gets back to me in like 10 mins-1 hour tops while she gets back to our mutual friend who is also her best friend she calls a "brother" in like 5 days.. lol.

I understand theres other girls, but when a chick shows as much interest as shes had, you tend to get curious, especially when she plays the friend card after all of the major flirting and ioi's. If anything maybe Im curious, as to wtf.. lol

Honestly, I wish you could see me now... I'm literally sitting her shaking my head with embarrassment reading this.

Where are the mixed signals? She friendzoned you! Actually, you friendzoned yourself by not asking her out, those were not dates!

There were no "ioi"s. You are seeing what you want to see.

You WANT to believe there is something there but there's not. She enjoys your company because you do stuff for her, that's why, not because she's emotionally attached.

In your first message you stated your intentions.

Next she refused your advances.

IF you had then stuck to your guns and told her it was all or nothing then she would have accepted the consequences but you gave her an out, a wishy washy, lame ass pussy answer:

"Oh yeah, um, I didn't mean asking you out, I meant, um, lets hang, it' was a firends text, um, maybe we'll hang again"

This gave her an easy out to say "Ok, lets keep hanging out but as friends" because you already GAVE her that as an option without her having to come off badly, some girls will just do this to avoid a cringy situation.

Man, there is nothing here, it's painful reading this with you convincing yourself of it.

June 18, 2013

Honestly, I wish you could see me now... I'm literally sitting her shaking my head with embarrassment reading this.

Where are the mixed signals? She friendzoned you! Actually, you friendzoned yourself by not asking her out, those were not dates!

There were no "ioi"s. You are seeing what you want to see.
You WANT to believe there is something there but there's not. She enjoys your company because you do stuff for her, that's why, not because she's emotionally attached.

In your first message you stated your intentions.
Next she refused your advances.

IF you had then stuck to your guns and told her it was all or nothing then she would have accepted the consequences but you gave her an out, a wishy washy, lame ass pussy answer:
"Oh yeah, um, I didn't mean asking you out, I meant, um, lets hang, it' was a firends text, um, maybe we'll hang again"

This gave her an easy out to say "Ok, lets keep hanging out but as friends" because you already GAVE her that as an option without her having to come off badly, some girls will just do this to avoid a cringy situation.

Man, there is nothing here, it's painful reading this with you convincing yourself of it.

What Im talking about is that for example, my friends, even my best friend of 21 years, or my best girl friend who Ive known for 12 years doesnt fork feed me with her fork at dinner, doesnt wrap themselves around me from behind, doesnt wrap around my arm and cuddle against my shoulder while walking/in the car, they dont beg me to text them when I get home and send a text once every minute saying to stay awake please as I drive home, they dont grab or let me grab their thigh back, they dont stand so close were always somehow touching, and my regular friends especially ones I only hung out with once(at the time) dont turn down their best friends at their favorite locale for me..

Maybe I didnt call the nights out dates, but I didnt call them hang outs either. And when it came time to buy movie tickets or dinner or whatever, she would look to me like I was expected to pay(normal for a date, shed buy the popcorn or w/e) and shed be all touchy/cuddly/flirty like youd expect a date to be, holding hands and what not.. so I know she isnt stupid, and I know she felt the same way. Our second time out was right after her bday, so I got her a cheap little teddy bear(just cause I feel like a jackass not getting ANYONE something for their bday) and she hugged it tight the whole night and said I "shouldve put my cologne on it so it smelled like me".. among other things that night..

What kind of sick twisted game is this girl playing? Im thinking maybe I came on too strong in text, and if she hears what I really meant maybe itll clear things up but idk. Either that or she is a professional.. but I just find it hard to believe as shes my good friend's best friend and hes a cool guy.

I may be confused as to what this girl is up to, but I do know for a fact those are all ioi's above and there was plenty more I wont list for reader sake, but the point is, she wasnt acting friendly, she was acting interested. Which is why Im more confused than upset. I just was blindsided here.

June 18, 2013

There is NOTHING to be confused about:

Her-"hey sorry i took long to reply i actually got home late last night. I really enjoy being wit u nd u make me laugh all the time, i really dont want to mess this friendship up. uve always been really nice and awesome i just really dont think theres many friends like u nd i want it to stay that way. to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-( "

Her-"oh ok yea maybe i read wrong. i definitely dont mind if we keep goin out but like i said i just want to keep our friendship nd not let it change. i really have a great time wit u all the time :-) "

She does not want to date you!

She's specifically told you that!

If you want to remain in fantasyland and try to analyze her every move for the next three months, you are wasting your time. Listen to what she is telling you! She's cool with hanging out with you as friends, but THAT IS IT.

The sooner you face reality, the less time you will waste.

Seriously -- there are no mixed signals here at all. She told you point blank where you stand -- and it is over there in the Friendzone.

June 18, 2013

There is NOTHING to be confused about:

She does not want to date you!

She's specifically told you that!

If you want to remain in fantasyland and try to analyze her every move for the next three months, you are wasting your time. Listen to what she is telling you! She's cool with hanging out with you as friends, but THAT IS IT.

The sooner you face reality, the less time you will waste.

Seriously -- there are no mixed signals here at all. She told you point blank where you stand -- and it is over there in the Friendzone.

THIS. All of this!! ^^^

There are no mixed signals. She doesn't want to date you. That's it. DO NOT try to put moves on her, or force her to change her mind. If you can't be friends, then tell her.

Say that you only were interested in her so long as she was a potential dating partner. Now that you know the answer is no, you need to let her go because you have developed feeling and being near her hurts you.

That simple.

June 18, 2013

Me and this girl have gone out on unnofficial dates 4 times now, whenever were out shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing a ton, etc etc. So naturally Im feeling her, I told her I had to talk to her when i returned from the keys and with confidence and after trying to call(she prefers text) I start this following(long) 4 text convo.

Me-"Karen! Im back obviously. So Ive never done this over text which is why I wanted to at least call so bear with me lol. I wanted to say that I have an awesome time with you whenever were out, w/e were doing, youre just a fun girl to be around, and being a man Im just gonna be straight forward, I want to take you out to dinner sometime, I dont want to be just friends, I wasnt sure at first but I am now. So Id really like if you came to dinner with me and maybe we can actually do laser tag this time, and we can just see how things go. Way I see it, itll be a lot of fun either way :)"

Her-"hey sorry i took long to reply i actually got home late last night. I really enjoy being wit u nd u make me laugh all the time, i really dont want to mess this friendship up. uve always been really nice and awesome i just really dont think theres many friends like u nd i want it to stay that way. to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-( "

Me-"Yea I can sorta see where youre coming from, I really like our friendship too. Honestly I worded it wrong in my text, which is why I wanted to call but Im not asking for a relationship, or a girlfriend, youre thinking way far ahead. I just want to take a pretty friend to dinner, thats it, weve already gone out to eat a few times(including a poison burger..) why would this be any different? Im really trying to let you know where I stand but Im having a hard time doing it in text lol, might have to wait till the next time I see you. Just know, Im a laid back guy, so whatever you say wont bother me too much, so its alright to be honest and Im not trying to pressure you into anything, I just legit want to take you out sometime, with nothing expected before or after. We both may not be the best with relationships, but Im very good at keeping friends, no matter who they are. I think youre worth at least one dinner, dont you?"

Her-"oh ok yea maybe i read wrong. i definitely dont mind if we keep goin out but like i said i just want to keep our friendship nd not let it change. i really have a great time wit u all the time :-) "

So what does all this mean?? She just wants to date but nothing more, or what? Im pretty confused because she showed soooo much interest. Well talk more in person for sure but honestly Im thinking about packing up and running as fast as I can the other direction. Can anyone here make sense of this? Thanks guys

she is not interested in a relationship. that is kind of what I am going through with a guy right now. He's giving me all the signs, and its unbelievable to me that he is not interested in me, but he said that he 'can't' have a girlfriend right now.

people are confusing.

all I know is that you overthinking this right now. It is what it is.. you guys are friendzoned.

June 18, 2013

THIS. All of this!! ^^^

There are no mixed signals. She doesn't want to date you. That's it. DO NOT try to put moves on her, or force her to change her mind. If you can't be friends, then tell her.

Say that you only were interested in her so long as she was a potential dating partner. Now that you know the answer is no, you need to let her go because you have developed feeling and being near her hurts you.

That simple.

Why is she showing all of this affection towards him if there are no mixed signals? What kind of friends snuggle up on eachother and feed eachother with forks and all that good stuff he's listing? You seem to be completely ignoring this.

Here's a clue women, you're acting like he's more than a friend by doing these kinds of things with him when he takes you out 1 on 1....it's a MIXED signal to us. Don't show us all the affection like wrapping your arm around our bicep, cuddling into our shoulder and pretend like you aren't giving mixed signals. That's horse ****.

To the OP, someone said it best earlier. It sounds like she likes the idea of a relationship, IE flirting and you paying for her all the time, but she doesn't like the idea of a relationship with YOU. Stop showing her the time of day and see how her attitude changes.

Edited June 18, 2013 by InsaneTrombone

June 18, 2013

Why is she showing all of this affection towards him if there are no mixed signals? What kind of friends snuggle up on eachother and feed eachother with forks and all that good stuff he's listing? You seem to be completely ignoring this.

I'm not ignoring anything. You mean this stuff?

whenever were out shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing a ton, etc etc.

She sounds like a naturally flirty type of girl. Oh, she complimented him? She sounds nice, too. She laughed? Maybe he said something funny. She fed him with her fork? I've seen flirty types of women do that with people. Same for grabbing his thigh. I don't know this girl, so I don't know what her personality is like. She could just be a touchy, feely kind of person. Or maybe she did like him initially, but changed her mind. That happens, too.

All I know for sure is this: Did she kiss him? No. Did she hug him? No. Did she have sex with him? No. Did she tell him she wanted to date him? No.

I'm listening to what she has told him -- which is that she does not want to date him. She does not want a relationship with him. Why are YOU ignoring that? Do you think she's lying?

Here's a clue women, you're acting like he's more than a friend by doing these kinds of things with him when he takes you out 1 on 1....it's a MIXED signal to us.

Here's a clue, men. When a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, take her word for it! And vice versa!

June 18, 2013

I'm not ignoring anything. You mean this stuff?

She sounds like a naturally flirty type of girl. Oh, she complimented him? She sounds nice, too. She laughed? Maybe he said something funny. She fed him with her fork? I've seen flirty types of women do that with people. Same for grabbing his thigh. I don't know this girl, so I don't know what her personality is like. She could just be a touchy, feely kind of person. Or maybe she did like him initially, but changed her mind. That happens, too.

All I know for sure is this: Did she kiss him? No. Did she hug him? No. Did she have sex with him? No. Did she tell him she wanted to date him? No.

I'm listening to what she has told him -- which is that she does not want to date him. She does not want a relationship with him. Why are YOU ignoring that? Do you think she's lying?

Here's a clue, men. When a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, take her word for it! And vice versa!

I'm not arguing the fact she doesn't want a relationship based on exactly what she has told him. I'm arguing that being flirty like that gives the wrong impression to guys. No wonder OP is confused. If women are flirty with us, it tells us she's into us. THAT is the issue here. It's very misleading.

June 18, 2013

Honestly, I wish you could see me now... I'm literally sitting her shaking my head with embarrassment reading this.

Where are the mixed signals? She friendzoned you! Actually, you friendzoned yourself by not asking her out, those were not dates!

There were no "ioi"s. You are seeing what you want to see.
You WANT to believe there is something there but there's not. She enjoys your company because you do stuff for her, that's why, not because she's emotionally attached.

In your first message you stated your intentions.
Next she refused your advances.

IF you had then stuck to your guns and told her it was all or nothing then she would have accepted the consequences but you gave her an out, a wishy washy, lame ass pussy answer:
"Oh yeah, um, I didn't mean asking you out, I meant, um, lets hang, it' was a firends text, um, maybe we'll hang again"

This gave her an easy out to say "Ok, lets keep hanging out but as friends" because you already GAVE her that as an option without her having to come off badly, some girls will just do this to avoid a cringy situation.

Man, there is nothing here, it's painful reading this with you convincing yourself of it.

I get what you are saying Estate but there's no need to excoriate the fellow. He made a common rookie mistake.

I think overall you give good advice, but sometimes I think you can be unnecessarily harsh with your perspective. I mean he probably feels bad about how he handled things already. No need to light into him.

Ryman, if there is any take-away from this, you move things forward by *action*--making a move, putting your arm around her, kissing her, making plans for what you guys are going to do. THAT is how you make sure it is clear that you are dating. Trying to make sure it clear that you are dating via confessional (whether it is in person, over a phone call, or even worse, over text--which is what you did) is a bad idea. Burn this lesson into your brain.

Meanwhile, move on. Maybe this girl will "wing" for you and help you meet other women. She might even realize what she is missing.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Imajerk17

June 18, 2013

I'm not arguing the fact she doesn't want a relationship based on exactly what she has told him. I'm arguing that being flirty like that gives the wrong impression to guys. No wonder OP is confused. If women are flirty with us, it tells us she's into us. THAT is the issue here. It's very misleading.

At least someone gets why I was bewildered. Thank you

I get what you are saying Estate but there's no need to excoriate the fellow. He made a common rookie mistake.

I think overall you give good advice, but sometimes I think you can be unnecessarily harsh with your perspective. I mean he probably feels bad about how he handled things already. No need to light into him.

Ryman, if there is any take-away from this, you move things forward by *action*--making a move, putting your arm around her, kissing her, making plans for what you guys are going to do. THAT is how you make sure it is clear that you are dating. Trying to make sure it clear that you are dating via confessional (whether it is in person, over a phone call, or even worse, over text--which is what you did) is a bad rookie mistake. Burn this lesson into your brain.

Meanwhile, move on. Maybe this girl will "wing" for you and help you meet other women. She might even realize what she is missing.

Hey Im all for harsh advice sometimes but yea I do feel like an idiot for not making a move the first and especially the second time we were out, but oh well, it was much sooner than the last one so its progress I suppose.

My plan now is to just go no contact until she contacts me, go out with her once more just so I can tell her in person I cant be her friend, I can only go out with her if shes a potential dating partner. From there its either good bye forever or someone has a change of heart(unlikely). Thanks for your input

June 18, 2013

I'm not ignoring anything. You mean this stuff?

She sounds like a naturally flirty type of girl. Oh, she complimented him? She sounds nice, too. She laughed? Maybe he said something funny. She fed him with her fork? I've seen flirty types of women do that with people. Same for grabbing his thigh. I don't know this girl, so I don't know what her personality is like. She could just be a touchy, feely kind of person. Or maybe she did like him initially, but changed her mind. That happens, too.

All I know for sure is this: Did she kiss him? No. Did she hug him? No. Did she have sex with him? No. Did she tell him she wanted to date him? No.

I'm listening to what she has told him -- which is that she does not want to date him. She does not want a relationship with him. Why are YOU ignoring that? Do you think she's lying?

Here's a clue, men. When a woman tells you she just wants to be friends, take her word for it! And vice versa!

I get what youre saying but youre downplaying her behavior as well. I understand her words are clear but Ive had many girl friends(just friends) that would never do any of this save throwing a compliment my way which I dont really count as an actually ioi anyway. She was sending mixed signals and that is clear..

June 18, 2013

My plan now is to just go no contact until she contacts me, go out with her once more just so I can tell her in person I cant be her friend, I can only go out with her if shes a potential dating partner. From there its either good bye forever or someone has a change of heart(unlikely). Thanks for your input

Don't do that (by that I mean what I bolded). "Standing on principle" this way you wrote above is actually another rookie mistake. It's like a confessional only now you're also coming across anal and rigid.

Go out with her and either she will flirt with you (then you can make your move) or she can wing for you. No paying her way this time though!

You wouldn't believe how many women I've met through my female friends, some of whom *ahem* Friend-Zoned me.

Edited June 18, 2013 by Imajerk17

June 18, 2013

Don't do that (by that I mean what I bolded). "Standing on principle" this way you wrote above is actually another rookie mistake. It's like a confessional only now you're also coming across anal and rigid.

Go out with her and either she will flirt with you (then you can make your move) or she can wing for you. No paying her way this time though!

Argh lol. A previous poster said something similar and it sounded good to me but it does come off kinda harsh.. but honest? Half the people i ask are saying make move if she flirts again(which I know she will.. a lot), the other is saying dont even try. Im thinking she might just want sex/a hook up but not a relationship, hence the extreme flirting but saying she doesnt want a relationship. Its all confusing lol

Edited June 18, 2013 by Ryman

June 18, 2013

What Im talking about is that for example, my friends, even my best friend of 21 years, or my best girl friend who Ive known for 12 years doesnt fork feed me with her fork at dinner, doesnt wrap themselves around me from behind, doesnt wrap around my arm and cuddle against my shoulder while walking/in the car, they dont beg me to text them when I get home and send a text once every minute saying to stay awake please as I drive home, they dont grab or let me grab their thigh back, they dont stand so close were always somehow touching, and my regular friends especially ones I only hung out with once(at the time) dont turn down their best friends at their favorite locale for me..

Maybe I didnt call the nights out dates, but I didnt call them hang outs either. And when it came time to buy movie tickets or dinner or whatever, she would look to me like I was expected to pay(normal for a date, shed buy the popcorn or w/e) and shed be all touchy/cuddly/flirty like youd expect a date to be, holding hands and what not.. so I know she isnt stupid, and I know she felt the same way. Our second time out was right after her bday, so I got her a cheap little teddy bear(just cause I feel like a jackass not getting ANYONE something for their bday) and she hugged it tight the whole night and said I "shouldve put my cologne on it so it smelled like me".. among other things that night..

What kind of sick twisted game is this girl playing? Im thinking maybe I came on too strong in text, and if she hears what I really meant maybe itll clear things up but idk. Either that or she is a professional.. but I just find it hard to believe as shes my good friend's best friend and hes a cool guy.

I may be confused as to what this girl is up to, but I do know for a fact those are all ioi's above and there was plenty more I wont list for reader sake, but the point is, she wasnt acting friendly, she was acting interested. Which is why Im more confused than upset. I just was blindsided here.

Jesus man.... she's NOT sick or twisted... if someone is acting like a pussy and falling all over ME, I'll let them pay.

None of that means anything, she knows you are easy to play. She probably does like you as a friend, but more so as someone who'll just be around for her whenever but without having to do anything with you.

I mean, she couldn't have been clearer about this. There is NO confusion.

June 18, 2013

I get what you are saying Estate but there's no need to excoriate the fellow. He made a common rookie mistake.

I think overall you give good advice, but sometimes I think you can be unnecessarily harsh with your perspective. I mean he probably feels bad about how he handled things already. No need to light into him.

Ryman, if there is any take-away from this, you move things forward by *action*--making a move, putting your arm around her, kissing her, making plans for what you guys are going to do. THAT is how you make sure it is clear that you are dating. Trying to make sure it clear that you are dating via confessional (whether it is in person, over a phone call, or even worse, over text--which is what you did) is a bad idea. Burn this lesson into your brain.

Meanwhile, move on. Maybe this girl will "wing" for you and help you meet other women. She might even realize what she is missing.

Imajerk... yeah, I do agree with you... my responces are harsh but sometimes it feels like only tough love will get through to some guys here.

i.e. A guy asks a question like this... he's causing himself pain over it but just doesn't see he's wasting his time. You TRY to explain to him what's really going on and that'd he'd be better off realizing there are lots of girls out there he should be spending this time and energy to meet...

Yet we all know what the reply will be....

"Noooooo... you don't understand.... *THIS* girl is DIFFERENT!!! You don't know what we have!!!"

It's funny how everyone one of these girls is always "different". No their not, the guy is just blinded by lust... "Oh, she kinda looked at me sideways out of the corner of her eye, for a second, this one time", "she kinda brushed against me for 3milliseconds when we were walking along".... "So that means we're destined to be together... she just doesn't know it yet... just you wait... I'll chase her and buy her gifts and act like a wuss in the process, that'll make her love me! You'll see!!"

And what happens in the end? Always the same... nothing.

So I mean, yeah, I do give tough answers. But sometimes it's like I'm repeating the same advice over and over. I tried to let this guy in on what's going on with this girl but then got the "No, No, you don't understand!" responce... so there's no point sugar coating it and giving a guy false hope... something needs to give him the slap in the face to get this girl off his mind and realise there are so many more BETTER girls out there for him to use all this time, effort and emotion on.

June 18, 2013

Imajerk... yeah, I do agree with you... my responces are harsh but sometimes it feels like only tough love will get through to some guys here.

i.e. A guy asks a question like this... he's causing himself pain over it but just doesn't see he's wasting his time. You TRY to explain to him what's really going on and that'd he'd be better off realizing there are lots of girls out there he should be spending this time and energy to meet...

Yet we all know what the reply will be....
"Noooooo... you don't understand.... *THIS* girl is DIFFERENT!!! You don't know what we have!!!"

It's funny how everyone one of these girls is always "different". No their not, the guy is just blinded by lust... "Oh, she kinda looked at me sideways out of the corner of her eye, for a second, this one time", "she kinda brushed against me for 3milliseconds when we were walking along".... "So that means we're destined to be together... she just doesn't know it yet... just you wait... I'll chase her and buy her gifts and act like a wuss in the process, that'll make her love me! You'll see!!"

And what happens in the end? Always the same... nothing.

So I mean, yeah, I do give tough answers. But sometimes it's like I'm repeating the same advice over and over. I tried to let this guy in on what's going on with this girl but then got the "No, No, you don't understand!" responce... so there's no point sugar coating it and giving a guy false hope... something needs to give him the slap in the face to get this girl off his mind and realise there are so many more BETTER girls out there for him to use all this time, effort and emotion on.

You seem to think though that I act like this with her, Im very good flirt, Im not at her beck and call. I cancel on her occassionally, I let her contact me first the last two times we went out. I dont constantly compliment her like a useless loser, I actually do the oposite and make her validate herself(while not being a dick). Youre acting like Im the one all over her, just because Im here asking a question about her. Its a situation and Ive never experienced something like this before. 70-75%of the touching, flirting, compliments is initiated by her. I didnt even start to like her or rather want to date her and see her as more of a friend until our 3rd time out. The first two I thought she was pretty, but I have plenty of pretty friends so thats not enough to like someone to me.

So no Im not head over heels for this girl, in person youd think this situation was reversed(as my friends who we ran into the third time we were out thought). But her actions and words are very contradictive, hence my confusion, and hence my question.

June 18, 2013

You seem to think though that I act like this with her, Im very good flirt, Im not at her beck and call. I cancel on her occassionally, I let her contact me first the last two times we went out. I dont constantly compliment her like a useless loser, I actually do the oposite and make her validate herself(while not being a dick). Youre acting like Im the one all over her, just because Im here asking a question about her. Its a situation and Ive never experienced something like this before. 70-75%of the touching, flirting, compliments is initiated by her. I didnt even start to like her or rather want to date her and see her as more of a friend until our 3rd time out. The first two I thought she was pretty, but I have plenty of pretty friends so thats not enough to like someone to me.

So no Im not head over heels for this girl, in person youd think this situation was reversed(as my friends who we ran into the third time we were out thought). But her actions and words are very contradictive, hence my confusion, and hence my question.

But she STILL told you she's not interested... and you're clinging to something. You need to leave it go.

June 18, 2013

when she says this:

to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-(

thats all you need to know man. she's basically saying you shouldn't try to date her.

If you are interested in her, wait a few days or a week then take her out again, go for a kiss if she denies you know where you stand and leave it at that.

If she lets you kiss her don't expect a relationship or anything just hang with her and enjoy the physicality.

I wouldn't waste time being "friends" because its pretty one sided as is, but if you want to stay friends fine, just stop talking and start doing.

Even your texts say it all, you write a paragraph and she gives a sentence, that tells me she isn't into it.

She isn't a bad person or anything she either isn't interested in a relationship or only wants to bang you, see whats up and dont ask, just go for the kiss when the time is right.

June 18, 2013

Me and this girl have gone out on unnofficial dates 4 times now, whenever were out shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing a ton, etc etc. So naturally Im feeling her, I told her I had to talk to her when i returned from the keys and with confidence and after trying to call(she prefers text) I start this following(long) 4 text convo.

Me-"Karen! Im back obviously. So Ive never done this over text which is why I wanted to at least call so bear with me lol. I wanted to say that I have an awesome time with you whenever were out, w/e were doing, youre just a fun girl to be around, and being a man Im just gonna be straight forward, I want to take you out to dinner sometime, I dont want to be just friends, I wasnt sure at first but I am now. So Id really like if you came to dinner with me and maybe we can actually do laser tag this time, and we can just see how things go. Way I see it, itll be a lot of fun either way :)"

You are going by your "pre-vacation" dates. First, telling her you have to talk to her "when you get back" was not a very tactful method for sharing your intentions. In doing so, you basically told her without telling her that you are into her. Then you disappeared and gave her time to mull it over.

There is a momentum at the beginning of dating that can easily be thrown off.

Her-"hey sorry i took long to reply i actually got home late last night. I really enjoy being wit u nd u make me laugh all the time, i really dont want to mess this friendship up. uve always been really nice and awesome i just really dont think theres many friends like u nd i want it to stay that way. to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-( "

Sign one, if a girl is into you, you won't get excuses about not finding time to communicate. Sign two, the "I'm not good with relationships" line is basically the same as "I don't want a relationship right now". Always insert "WITH YOU" after these statements as they are lines used to let you down easy.

You have been friend-zoned. Either she met someone else or you scared her with the "we need to talk when I get back".

Me-"Yea I can sorta see where youre coming from, I really like our friendship too. Honestly I worded it wrong in my text, which is why I wanted to call but Im not asking for a relationship, or a girlfriend, youre thinking way far ahead. I just want to take a pretty friend to dinner, thats it, weve already gone out to eat a few times(including a poison burger..) why would this be any different? Im really trying to let you know where I stand but Im having a hard time doing it in text lol, might have to wait till the next time I see you. Just know, Im a laid back guy, so whatever you say wont bother me too much, so its alright to be honest and Im not trying to pressure you into anything, I just legit want to take you out sometime, with nothing expected before or after. We both may not be the best with relationships, but Im very good at keeping friends, no matter who they are. I think youre worth at least one dinner, dont you?"

Her-"oh ok yea maybe i read wrong. i definitely dont mind if we keep goin out but like i said i just want to keep our friendship nd not let it change. i really have a great time wit u all the time :-) "

So what does all this mean?? She just wants to date but nothing more, or what? Im pretty confused because she showed soooo much interest. Well talk more in person for sure but honestly Im thinking about packing up and running as fast as I can the other direction. Can anyone here make sense of this? Thanks guys

It means you are friend-zoned. I would not contact her anymore. Save your dignity. Most of us are telling you that based on experience. Since you are into her, I would not recommend hanging out with her knowing it will not go anywhere. What you do not want to do is pay for everything, i.e. bribing her to be your girlfriend. Putting a girl on a pedestal won't work and you'll waste time and money. Also, that is not what you want anyway. You want a relationship. Putting her desires before your own is playing the nice guy, which does not work with women.

If you are a classic nice guy you do not want to get into the habit of trying to analyze her behaviors. When you start doing armchair quarterback psychoanalysis you become fixated on a woman. This is the opposite of what you want to be doing. For one, you are wasting valuable time fantasizing about something that will not happen and in the mean time passing up on women that will reciprocate your desires. That's why you have to train yourself to just "next" women that act like that and not try to figure it out. It's a fruitless endeavor.

If she contacts you, "It's great to hear from you! I am not interested in just being friends, I want to date you. I understand that is not what you want. If you change your mind let me know. Gotta run!"

That is it, one or two lines. Do not opine about your feelings, get upset, convey your dreams, etc. It just makes you look desperate.

Edited June 18, 2013 by TheFinalWord

June 18, 2013

You are going by your "pre-vacation" dates. First, telling her you have to talk to her "when you get back" was not a very tactful method for sharing your intentions. In doing so, you basically told her without telling her that you are into her. Then you disappeared and gave her time to mull it over.

There is a momentum at the beginning of dating that can easily be thrown off.

Sign one, if a girl is into you, you won't get excuses about not finding time to communicate. Sign two, the "I'm not good with relationships" line is basically the same as "I don't want a relationship right now". Always insert "WITH YOU" after these statements as they are lines used to let you down easy.

You have been friend-zoned. Either she met someone else or you scared her with the "we need to talk when I get back".

It means you are friend-zoned. I would not contact her anymore. Save your dignity. Most of us are telling you that based on experience. Since you are into her, I would not recommend hanging out with her knowing it will not go anywhere. What you do not want to do is pay for everything, i.e. bribing her to be your girlfriend. Putting a girl on a pedestal won't work and you'll waste time and money. Also, that is not what you want anyway. You want a relationship. Putting her desires before your own is playing the nice guy, which does not work with women.

If you are a classic nice guy you do not want to get into the habit of trying to analyze her behaviors. When you start doing armchair quarterback psychoanalysis you become fixated on a woman. This is the opposite of what you want to be doing. For one, you are wasting valuable time fantasizing about something that will not happen and in the mean time passing up on women that will reciprocate your desires. That's why you have to train yourself to just "next" women that act like that and not try to figure it out. It's a fruitless endeavor.

If she contacts you, "It's great to hear from you! I am not interested in just being friends, I want to date you. I understand that is not what you want. If you change your mind let me know. Gotta run!"

That is it, one or two lines. Do not opine about your feelings, get upset, convey your dreams, etc. It just makes you look desperate.

Right, I honestly wasnt trying to "buy" her interest, I really thought she was already interested lol. Your advice is good however, I do want to make myself clear just so were on the same page, I wasnt trying to say I like her like her, just that I wanted a date(pretty much what weve been doing except for adding in that one word..), if she still turns that down then the next time she contacts me I will use that line you gave me because it sums it up perfectly. Thanks for the help

June 18, 2013

Ryman, it kind of pisses me off that this girl is letting you pay for things and only wants to be friends with you. Now, I have had male friends in the past where we took turns treating each other. We'd go out for lunch usually and one time they would pick up the tab and the next I would.

I think you already figured this out but stop paying for the times you guys go out. If you are just friends, there is no reason to do this. She wants to be friends, cool. She pays her own way. Infact, she could actually treat you next time. You got to harden up if you continue to hang out with her.

Secondly, when you date someone else, never ever ever ever say what you said through text:

Next time, this is all you say: "Jasmine, I had fun with you tonight. I'd like to take you to dinner next Friday night. How about I pick you up at 7?"

Most women will know what this means. A date. You don't need to spell out your intentions as a preview playbook for her. Then, after the date, you go in for the kiss. You don't ask for a kiss, you just gently kiss her. Don't make it overly sexual or romantic. Just enough to let her know you are interested in her. A soft little open mouthed kiss is nice for a first date. A little tongue is good too. But just a little.

P.S. Also, actually call her up on that phone instead of texting her.

I think it's a good idea to go the other direction if you are only interested in her romantically. If you want to continue to see her as a friend you can always text her back: "Cool, next time we go out, your treat." She will either treat or she won't text you back anymore. But you will know where you stand depending on her response. And in this case, it's okay to text. But if you are asking a woman out on an actual date, and you aren't in a long term relationship with them, you should really be calling them on the phone.

Yea I understand I shouldve made it simpler, Im kicking myself over that. Like I said Ill probably try to clear up my intentions of just getting a date(again, itd be just like the last 4 nights we had except.. Im using the "D" word). If its still a nope, I know for sure she wont budge and will just use the quote TheFinalWord gave to me. Thanks

Also I tried calling her, she prefers texting, actually hates talking on the phone, maybe because of her accent? Idk but her friend told me the same. So this was my only means.

June 18, 2013

If Clia is right and she is "just flirty" then you dodged a bullet anyway. Who would want a gf who snuggles up to dudes and feeds them with forks?

Cmon she'd have to be mentally retarded to NOT KNOW she was totally giving you the impression that she was into you. I'd NEVER feed a guy or cuddle him or let him pay for all of our outings if I just wanted to be friends. No normal, aware, girl would.

I'd just disappear.

June 18, 2013

If Clia is right and she is "just flirty" then you dodged a bullet anyway. Who would want a gf who snuggles up to dudes and feeds them with forks?

Cmon she'd have to be mentally retarded to NOT KNOW she was totally giving you the impression that she was into you. I'd NEVER feed a guy or cuddle him or let him pay for all of our outings if I just wanted to be friends. No normal, aware, girl would.

I'd just disappear.

You make complete sense, thank you. Im sure she had to of known what she was doing..

June 18, 2013

Ryman, don't kick yourself for your approach to asking her out.

The fact is if she was into you, how you asked her on a real date wouldn't matter. She wouldn't say no because you asked too soon or in a text or whatever. She'd say yes and she'd be super stoked. If anything she would think the awkwardish approach was cute/sweet/endearing.

Waiting or asking in a different way wouldn't change the outcome.

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Shes probably rejecting me but..

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