Shes probably rejecting me but..

[Ryman]

Me and this girl have gone out on unnofficial dates 4 times now, whenever were out shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing a ton, etc etc. So naturally Im feeling her, I told her I had to talk to her when i returned from the keys and with confidence and after trying to call(she prefers text) I start this following(long) 4 text convo.

 

Me-"Karen! Im back obviously. So Ive never done this over text which is why I wanted to at least call so bear with me lol. I wanted to say that I have an awesome time with you whenever were out, w/e were doing, youre just a fun girl to be around, and being a man Im just gonna be straight forward, I want to take you out to dinner sometime, I dont want to be just friends, I wasnt sure at first but I am now. So Id really like if you came to dinner with me and maybe we can actually do laser tag this time, and we can just see how things go. Way I see it, itll be a lot of fun either way :)"

 

Her-"hey sorry i took long to reply i actually got home late last night. I really enjoy being wit u nd u make me laugh all the time, i really dont want to mess this friendship up. uve always been really nice and awesome i just really dont think theres many friends like u nd i want it to stay that way. to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-( "

 

Me-"Yea I can sorta see where youre coming from, I really like our friendship too. Honestly I worded it wrong in my text, which is why I wanted to call but Im not asking for a relationship, or a girlfriend, youre thinking way far ahead. I just want to take a pretty friend to dinner, thats it, weve already gone out to eat a few times(including a poison burger..) why would this be any different? Im really trying to let you know where I stand but Im having a hard time doing it in text lol, might have to wait till the next time I see you. Just know, Im a laid back guy, so whatever you say wont bother me too much, so its alright to be honest and Im not trying to pressure you into anything, I just legit want to take you out sometime, with nothing expected before or after. We both may not be the best with relationships, but Im very good at keeping friends, no matter who they are. I think youre worth at least one dinner, dont you?"

 

Her-"oh ok yea maybe i read wrong. i definitely dont mind if we keep goin out but like i said i just want to keep our friendship nd not let it change. i really have a great time wit u all the time :-) "

 

So what does all this mean?? She just wants to date but nothing more, or what? Im pretty confused because she showed soooo much interest. Well talk more in person for sure but honestly Im thinking about packing up and running as fast as I can the other direction. Can anyone here make sense of this? Thanks guys

[Lansing]

I cringed when I read that...

 

You were better off to just follow what you were doing... a female friend (who I dated for a while but was friends with before and after) tells me about her friends who try to come out and declare their feelings for her. It never works. Our friendship developed into something more but not once did I "declare" my feelings for her while we were friends.

 

You are better off accepting things as a friendship at this point. If you keep discussing it it will make it even more weird. Just go back to what you were doing before and enjoy each others company..

 

In the future, let things develop naturally... But, at this point, it sounds like she doesn't want to date you but enjoys your company. Don't expect to "date" her.

[Ryman]

Problem is weve gone on 3 "dates" without calling it a date, or by principle I did, Id pay for dinner or movie tickets, wed have a great time, shed make what con be read as romantic advances. Shed text me about 10 mins after Id drop her home saying how great of a time she had and we should do it again. So I thought making a date official was a good move you know? Now Im confused as to what to do..

[undergroundlife13]

Youve been friendzoned, id tell her you cant do this.

 

Plus you contradicted yourself, you said you didnt want to be friends, and then you said you didnt want a relationship.

 

She doesnt want anything more than friends...

[Ryman]

Youve been friendzoned, id tell her you cant do this.

 

Plus you contradicted yourself, you said you didnt want to be friends, and then you said you didnt want a relationship.

 

She doesnt want anything more than friends...

 

Dammit thats why I hate text, because i can see how it can be read as contradicting myself. I meant it as I havent had the best of luck with relationships either, but if it doesnt work Im awesome at keeping friends(Im friends with my first ex who Ive known since 12 years ago, dated 7 years ago. I didnt mean I want to stay friends

 

Also shes very very overtly forward for a girl not interested, hence my confusion. Ive always thought actions speak louder than words, im unsure here..

[undergroundlife13]

Dammit thats why I hate text, because i can see how it can be read as contradicting myself. I meant it as I havent had the best of luck with relationships either, but if it doesnt work Im awesome at keeping friends(Im friends with my first ex who Ive known since 12 years ago, dated 7 years ago. I didnt mean I want to stay friends

 

Also shes very very overtly forward for a girl not interested, hence my confusion. Ive always thought actions speak louder than words, im unsure here..

 

Then this is what i would do, arrange a "hangout" and discuss it in person. It will be hard for her to avoid what you are saying, and you will see how she feels.

 

However, if i liked a guy i would never tell him i "just want to be friends"

[Ryman]

Then this is what i would do, arrange a "hangout" and discuss it in person. It will be hard for her to avoid what you are saying, and you will see how she feels.

 

However, if i liked a guy i would never tell him i "just want to be friends"

 

Yea I think it should probably be discussed.. With how forward she is in person we need to clear this up. Ive never had a girl as forward as her that I didnt end up having sex with.. god girls are confusing, thanks for your answer

[undergroundlife13]

Youre welcome, good luck!

[SJC2008]

Me-"Karen! Im back obviously. So Ive never done this over text which is why I wanted to at least call so bear with me lol. I wanted to say that I have an awesome time with you whenever were out, w/e were doing, youre just a fun girl to be around, and being a man Im just gonna be straight forward, I want to take you out to dinner sometime, I dont want to be just friends, I wasnt sure at first but I am now. So Id really like if you came to dinner with me and maybe we can actually do laser tag this time, and we can just see how things go. Way I see it, itll be a lot of fun either way :)"

 

 

You have to be careful how you word things with women. To most women the above means you're on a roof top somewhere screaming "I'm in love with X"! While if it were me I'd know that you think I'm fun and want to be more than friends, i.e. date me and 'see where things go'. My logical brain tells me that since you want to see where things go you aren't declaring your love for me too soon and I won't be running for the hills.

[salparadise]

 

Also shes very very overtly forward for a girl not interested, hence my confusion. Ive always thought actions speak louder than words, im unsure here..

 

I don't think it's that she's not interested, she's playing the hard to get head game. You don't take "friends" out and buy them dinner, and act like it's a date in every other way, when it's not a date. She knows damn well what it was.

 

So she's got you in a nice little groove... you take her out on nice dates, buy dinner and so forth, and she holds you at arms length and pretends to not be interested. Bullshyt! You have to change it up on her somehow, either that or just next her. Call her bluff....

 

Tell her since you're "just friends" that it's her turn to pay... and besides, you're asking someone else who seems interested in you on an actual date and need to save your money.

 

Or do the hot and cold routine on her... take her out and treat her like a queen, stare into her eyes, get real cozy and make her feel you, and then drop off the face of the earth for awhile. Pretend to not know what the problem is when she gets upset that you're not showering her with attention... just friends, right, what's the problem?

 

She's wanting all of the benefits of having a boyfriend, being pursued etc., but without reciprocating in any way. Don't let this pattern gel, break it. If you can't break it then find someone else to date. This is a one-way street that does not go in your direction.

[Ryman]

I don't think it's that she's not interested, she's playing the hard to get head game. You don't take "friends" out and buy them dinner, and act like it's a date in every other way, when it's not a date. She knows damn well what it was.

 

So she's got you in a nice little groove... you take her out on nice dates, buy dinner and so forth, and she holds you at arms length and pretends to not be interested. Bullshyt! You have to change it up on her somehow, either that or just next her. Call her bluff....

 

Tell her since you're "just friends" that it's her turn to pay... and besides, you're asking someone else who seems interested in you on an actual date and need to save your money.

 

Or do the hot and cold routine on her... take her out and treat her like a queen, stare into her eyes, get real cozy and make her feel you, and then drop off the face of the earth for awhile. Pretend to not know what the problem is when she gets upset that you're not showering her with attention... just friends, right, what's the problem?

 

She's wanting all of the benefits of having a boyfriend, being pursued etc., but without reciprocating in any way. Don't let this pattern gel, break it. If you can't break it then find someone else to date. This is a one-way street that does not go in your direction.

 

Now thats what I figured! That shes playing some kind of game because as you said when a guy buys them dinner or w/e and spends time one on one with them while shes cuddling up to his arm and just being physical, she isnt stupid she knows whats going on and liked it. So from here dealing with this is still mind-numbing but Ill just probably go with the hot and cold routine starting with cold right now. Interesting you kind of said what my instincts were telling me.

[Grumpybutfun]

She wants you to be a friend who takes her out on dates, flirt with (all the touching) but she isn't in a relationship with so she can see if there is someone else who is better. My spouse just explained this to me and I just shook my head...silly games. Friends don't pay for dates and they don't touch us all over our bodies so she is playing some weird game. IMHO.

Grumps

[SJC2008]

You came on too strong (in her mind). Go no contact on her now to show her you aren't as invested as she thinks. If she does contact you act like nothing happened and start hanging out again and go dutch. Make a move and see what happens. If she's receptive of your advances you're back in. And if you are back in just realize that your dealing with the type of women guys preach about in that don't bring up any relationship talk unless she does. Things will have to be on her terms.

Edited June 17, 2013 by SJC2008

[Keke1]

Yeah dude I believe you're screwed. Why weren't you forthcoming the whole time? You went backwards and changed your intentions. If I were you I'd start again. I mean if you're looking for a relationship with her let it be known. If you think you can remain friends without expecting anything but that continue your quest for that.

[salparadise]

Now thats what I figured! That shes playing some kind of game because as you said when a guy buys them dinner or w/e and spends time one on one with them while shes cuddling up to his arm and just being physical, she isnt stupid she knows whats going on and liked it. So from here dealing with this is still mind-numbing but Ill just probably go with the hot and cold routine starting with cold right now. Interesting you kind of said what my instincts were telling me.

 

Yea, I thought you'd recognize it. So now the question is how to work with it. What she thinks she wants is to be in control, to have you constantly working to get closer, while she revels in the attention. But she'd grow bored if you actually did that. What's going to work is the opposite... give her enough to keep her engaged and wanting more, then withdraw. Send the message that, as much fun as you have together (you buying her dinners and not even getting a kiss), she's dangling by a thread.

 

Now the tricky part is figuring out when she's ripe for conversion. If all goes well she may just show her hand. But it's also possible that she'll be better at it than you imagine and try your patience. In that case, you push then pull while she's engulfed in emotions from the push.

 

Shame to have to play silly games, but she's the one whose thrown down the gauntlet. I hope you'll keep us up to date on how it goes.

[sillyanswer]

Problem is weve gone on 3 "dates" without calling it a date, or by principle I did, Id pay for dinner or movie tickets, wed have a great time, shed make what con be read as romantic advances.

 

It sounds like she just wants to be friends with someone who will buy her dinner and movie tickets.

[shexy]

You've been friendzoned, no doubt. But she likes the attention, so she's playing with you. Plus, you keep paying for everything, so of course she wants to keep you around.

[Ryman]

She wants you to be a friend who takes her out on dates, flirt with (all the touching) but she isn't in a relationship with so she can see if there is someone else who is better. My spouse just explained this to me and I just shook my head...silly games. Friends don't pay for dates and they don't touch us all over our bodies so she is playing some weird game. IMHO.

Grumps

 

Yea Ive heard of this, Im gonna go cold on her, let her contact me, then try making a real move on our next night out.

 

You came on too strong (in her mind). Go no contact on her now to show her you aren't as invested as she thinks. If she does contact you act like nothing happened and start hanging out again and go dutch. Make a move and see what happens. If she's receptive of your advances you're back in. And if you are back in just realize that your dealing with the type of women guys preach about in that don't bring up any relationship talk unless she does. Things will have to be on her terms.

 

Yup, thats my plan, no contact, let her contact me(the last time I "ignored" her she sent "hey :-)" within 3 days, first time she ever contacted me. Also started posting all over my facebook lol) then I guess Ill make a move the next night were out(a kiss attempt most likely) or what? Thanks for the advice.

 

Yea, I thought you'd recognize it. So now the question is how to work with it. What she thinks she wants is to be in control, to have you constantly working to get closer, while she revels in the attention. But she'd grow bored if you actually did that. What's going to work is the opposite... give her enough to keep her engaged and wanting more, then withdraw. Send the message that, as much fun as you have together (you buying her dinners and not even getting a kiss), she's dangling by a thread.

 

Now the tricky part is figuring out when she's ripe for conversion. If all goes well she may just show her hand. But it's also possible that she'll be better at it than you imagine and try your patience. In that case, you push then pull while she's engulfed in emotions from the push.

 

Shame to have to play silly games, but she's the one whose thrown down the gauntlet. I hope you'll keep us up to date on how it goes.

 

I thought now that I have some steam into my 20s that I wouldnt have to play games anymore, man was I wrong. Whats your opinion on waiting for her to initiate contact again? Then making a move our next time out? Im curious because you seem to have insight into my situation personally. Thanks

[salparadise]

I thought now that I have some steam into my 20s that I wouldnt have to play games anymore, man was I wrong. Whats your opinion on waiting for her to initiate contact again? Then making a move our next time out? Im curious because you seem to have insight into my situation personally. Thanks

 

You are the one who knows her best, so you'll have to gage the way it feels. I would caution against making the move on the next date though... I just have a feeling she may be good at this and you'd want to send her through a few spin cycles to build up tension.

 

Waiting until she's about to pop is a good thing. Whoever makes the move gives the other the opportunity to retreat, which she's already done once already. You're essentially reversing the roles on her. So do the touching, closeness, whispering, flirting and eye contact, but stop short of giving her the satisfaction - don't let her push you off again.

 

It's so hard to visualize without knowing her, but this is an adversarial dance for sure. Her whole schtick is getting you to be crazy in love with her, but you're just going to play it cooler than her and turn it around on her. Tease, tease, tease and make her come to you.

[Estate]

Me and this girl have gone out on unnofficial dates 4 times now, whenever were out shes always grabbing my thigh, wrapping around my bicep while leaning her head into my shoulder, fork feeding me with her fork at dinner, begging me to text her when i get home if its late, compliments me, twirling her hair constantly and laughing a ton, etc etc. So naturally Im feeling her, I told her I had to talk to her when i returned from the keys and with confidence and after trying to call(she prefers text) I start this following(long) 4 text convo.

 

Me-"Karen! Im back obviously. So Ive never done this over text which is why I wanted to at least call so bear with me lol. I wanted to say that I have an awesome time with you whenever were out, w/e were doing, youre just a fun girl to be around, and being a man Im just gonna be straight forward, I want to take you out to dinner sometime, I dont want to be just friends, I wasnt sure at first but I am now. So Id really like if you came to dinner with me and maybe we can actually do laser tag this time, and we can just see how things go. Way I see it, itll be a lot of fun either way :)"

 

Her-"hey sorry i took long to reply i actually got home late last night. I really enjoy being wit u nd u make me laugh all the time, i really dont want to mess this friendship up. uve always been really nice and awesome i just really dont think theres many friends like u nd i want it to stay that way. to me bfs come nd go but friends stay forever.. nd trust me im not good wit relationships:-( "

 

Me-"Yea I can sorta see where youre coming from, I really like our friendship too. Honestly I worded it wrong in my text, which is why I wanted to call but Im not asking for a relationship, or a girlfriend, youre thinking way far ahead. I just want to take a pretty friend to dinner, thats it, weve already gone out to eat a few times(including a poison burger..) why would this be any different? Im really trying to let you know where I stand but Im having a hard time doing it in text lol, might have to wait till the next time I see you. Just know, Im a laid back guy, so whatever you say wont bother me too much, so its alright to be honest and Im not trying to pressure you into anything, I just legit want to take you out sometime, with nothing expected before or after. We both may not be the best with relationships, but Im very good at keeping friends, no matter who they are. I think youre worth at least one dinner, dont you?"

 

Her-"oh ok yea maybe i read wrong. i definitely dont mind if we keep goin out but like i said i just want to keep our friendship nd not let it change. i really have a great time wit u all the time :-) "

 

So what does all this mean?? She just wants to date but nothing more, or what? Im pretty confused because she showed soooo much interest. Well talk more in person for sure but honestly Im thinking about packing up and running as fast as I can the other direction. Can anyone here make sense of this? Thanks guys

 

Uuuuuuuugh.... painful.

 

You are friendzoned, plain and simple. Those were not "unofficial dates". Unofficial means they were not dates, you didn't ask her on a date.

 

I mean, first you ask her out, then totally backtrack when you get resistance. It's all or nothing, if you don't want her as a friend drop her.

 

For the love of GOD will guys here STOP trying to weasel their way in under the radar....

 

And for the love of GOD there are BILLIONS of women in the world... if one doesn't like you, meet another!!!!!!!

[Ryman]

Uuuuuuuugh.... painful.

 

You are friendzoned, plain and simple. Those were not "unofficial dates". Unofficial means they were not dates, you didn't ask her on a date.

 

I mean, first you ask her out, then totally backtrack when you get resistance. It's all or nothing, if you don't want her as a friend drop her.

 

For the love of GOD will guys here STOP trying to weasel their way in under the radar....

 

And for the love of GOD there are BILLIONS of women in the world... if one doesn't like you, meet another!!!!!!!

 

See the problem Im having here is her words are friend zoned but lets still "go out" while her actions are 'Im more into you than even your past girlfriends were at this stage'.. shes sending extremely mixed signals, which is why I didnt want to discuss this over text but shes the text queen.. loves her texting. Good news is she gets back to me in like 10 mins-1 hour tops while she gets back to our mutual friend who is also her best friend she calls a "brother" in like 5 days.. lol.

 

I understand theres other girls, but when a chick shows as much interest as shes had, you tend to get curious, especially when she plays the friend card after all of the major flirting and ioi's. If anything maybe Im curious, as to wtf.. lol

 

You are the one who knows her best, so you'll have to gage the way it feels. I would caution against making the move on the next date though... I just have a feeling she may be good at this and you'd want to send her through a few spin cycles to build up tension.

 

Waiting until she's about to pop is a good thing. Whoever makes the move gives the other the opportunity to retreat, which she's already done once already. You're essentially reversing the roles on her. So do the touching, closeness, whispering, flirting and eye contact, but stop short of giving her the satisfaction - don't let her push you off again.

 

It's so hard to visualize without knowing her, but this is an adversarial dance for sure. Her whole schtick is getting you to be crazy in love with her, but you're just going to play it cooler than her and turn it around on her. Tease, tease, tease and make her come to you.

 

Got it, ramp up the flirting, then go dark, then rinse and repeat. Might switch the roles a bit yeah.

 

Thats probably what Ill end up doing, but another part of me wants to be like, the next time were out at dinner or something "lets split the bill, because look if you dont want to date me then I dont buy my friends dinner every time were out, I have dates that are into me that I want to spend my money on"<--something to that effect, probably wont say it because its kinda a-****-ish but its whats on my mind.

 

The fact she still wants to "go out" but wont "put out" as of now kinda irritates me, like she thinks she has me, so I wanna show her she doesnt.. maybe she isnt thinking that but I feel like that. hmm

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

See the problem Im having here is her words are friend zoned but lets still "go out" while her actions are 'Im more into you than even your past girlfriends were at this stage'.. shes sending extremely mixed signals, which is why I didnt want to discuss this over text but shes the text queen.. loves her texting. Good news is she gets back to me in like 10 mins-1 hour tops while she gets back to our mutual friend who is also her best friend she calls a "brother" in like 5 days.. lol.

 

I understand theres other girls, but when a chick shows as much interest as shes had, you tend to get curious, especially when she plays the friend card after all of the major flirting and ioi's. If anything maybe Im curious, as to wtf.. lol

 

 

 

Got it, ramp up the flirting, then go dark, then rinse and repeat. Might switch the roles a bit yeah.

 

Thats probably what Ill end up doing, but another part of me wants to be like, the next time were out at dinner or something "lets split the bill, because look if you dont want to date me then I dont buy my friends dinner every time were out, I have dates that are into me that I want to spend my money on"<--something to that effect, probably wont say it because its kinda a-****-ish but its whats on my mind.

 

The fact she still wants to "go out" but wont "put out" as of now kinda irritates me, like she thinks she has me, so I wanna show her she doesnt.. maybe she isnt thinking that but I feel like that. hmm

 

This is crazy talk.

 

1) She doesn't like you.

2) She's using you to take her out.

 

My advice: Go no contact.....forever. Seriously. Even if she responds, tell her to f off. She has poor character.

 

Normally, I would say go FWB, but this will take way too much work to get back and you're way too emotionally invested.

 

Go meet new girls. This one is dead to you.

[Ryman]

This is crazy talk.

 

1) She doesn't like you.

2) She's using you to take her out.

 

My advice: Go no contact.....forever. Seriously. Even if she responds, tell her to f off. She has poor character.

 

Normally, I would say go FWB, but this will take way too much work to get back and you're way too emotionally invested.

 

Go meet new girls. This one is dead to you.

 

Well I do want to meet with her one more time to clear things up, and if then its still unsatisfactory(probably will be but at least I tried) then Ill just forget about her completely. I wouldve done this all in person but last time we were out it was 3 am and I could barely drive home let alone get across what I wanted to say about any major topics.. but I do agree with you in that sense, to forget her when its all said and done.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Well I do want to meet with her one more time to clear things up, and if then its still unsatisfactory(probably will be but at least I tried) then Ill just forget about her completely. I wouldve done this all in person but last time we were out it was 3 am and I could barely drive home let alone get across what I wanted to say about any major topics.. but I do agree with you in that sense, to forget her when its all said and done.

 

Don't go out with her again. She couldn't be less interested, she is just trying to let you down easy

[Astrocreep2046]

This is crazy talk.

 

1) She doesn't like you.

2) She's using you to take her out.

 

My advice: Go no contact.....forever. Seriously. Even if she responds, tell her to f off. She has poor character.

 

Normally, I would say go FWB, but this will take way too much work to get back and you're way too emotionally invested.

 

Go meet new girls. This one is dead to you.

 

After reading this entire thread I have to say this is all very familiar. I'm sure it is to many many guys out there. I think HoneyBadger really hits the nail on the head. "She has poor character". She is a **** person with no regard for how this is making you feel. She takes and takes and believe me, she knows exactly what she is doing.

 

I can see you making a mistake that I made with a similar situation. I finally had enough of the way I was being treated and I gave her a piece of my mind.

 

It's evident with:

 

"The fact she still wants to "go out" but wont "put out" as of now kinda irritates me, like she thinks she has me, so I wanna show her she doesn't.. maybe she isnt thinking that but I feel like that. hmm"

 

It's like you want to prove something to her and more importantly to yourself but I can tell you... she will not get the message. All it will do is paint you up good and proper as an *******. Something I am certain you are not. I encourage you to not give her that kind of ammunition. Don't give her the satisfaction. She thrives on it. It makes her feel good about herself.

 

I know it's easier said than done but I encourage you to love yourself enough to walk the hell away. She is toxic. There are tons of women out there that would truly appreciate the things you can offer. Godspeed.