Blue Gardenia Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I am 42. I've only ever had one boyfriend, at age 39, whom I loved deeply. I believed at the time he loved me, and we talked about a future together. It ended, there was pain in our final moments but I guess that was to be expected. He moved on to another woman quite quickly and married her a year after our break up. We did speak briefly, about 3 months after our break up and within a month of him meeting this woman. I wanted us to try again but he had moved on and wanted to stay with the woman....all the while telling me he still had feelings for me and hadn't closed his heart to me. I guess the latter comments were not fair, as they made me feel that the woman may have been simply a rebound and there was still hope for us. It's been almost 3 yrs, and yes I've stopped ruminating over the questions of how could he move on so fast and fall in love with another girl so quickly, did he actually love me, etc. Regardless of the answers, I know at this point that the answers do not matter. I have never met anyone since. I've been on the odd date, but never a relationship. It could be my age, my looks, whatever. I think I'm reasonably attractive but who knows. ( I've been told in the past that I am smart and interesting, and nice-looking.) I will say that I hurt a great deal for a long time afterwards. I prayed a great deal, I even asked God that He keep me alive in that man's heart, perhaps hoping he would return to me. Before I learned of his marriage, I prayed for reconciliation. Given the marriage that subsequently happened, I know I had to stop hoping for reconciliation, and I did, but unfortunately the pain lingered. I'm a hard working individual. After the break up, I continued to work hard at my job, I kept up with my exercise schedule, and hobbies. I cried on my mother's shoulder but did not burden anyone else. I took vitamins and omega3's to keep my serotonin levels up. But I can honestly now say that it hasn't worked. Unfortunately, I'm lonely. Ive had some good friends in the past, but they've dwindled. If I ask a friend to a movie or dinner, they are usually busy. I still pursue my hobbies and sports but these do not generate new friends or dating prospects. My fear is that my loneliness is feeding my past hurt, it is feeding my sense of loss over losing this man, and the feeling that he was the one that got away. More importantly, I find myself questioning my path in life. Is there something better for me out there? I guess with me, because I had never experienced love or even male attention until I was 39, I thought the wait was over. But for the man I loved, his destiny unfolded in a beautiful way after my absence from his world, whereas my life contracted a great deal to the point where I now spend a lot of time by myself and recognize that I am unlikely to have a family of my own at this age, and probably not a life partner either. Other than my elderly mother I don't have close family members who love and care for me. But I am grateful for my mother. I have attempted healing - spiritually, as well as via a psychologist. She thinks eventually I will find activities and a rhythm in life that may keep me contented. Sometimes in my spiritual moments I do ask that the man still think about me from time to time with warmth (of course, I recognize that I will never know the answer to that prayer), perhaps to convince myself that despite my age I did experience something real at one stage of my life and it wasn't all for naught. It wasn't accidental that we met, right? As to the greater purpose - who knows, but that question DOES bother me. What was my purpose in that encounter, and the current outcome? I tried so hard to heal yet love and healing came so swiftly to the other man -- yes, I did feel betrayed by his quick new relationship and marriage. Whether that feeling is justifiable or not, the situation stung. I wonder about how his destiny unfolded, yet mine remained stagnant. I am on the path of acceptance of the status quo, but the loneliness and teensy bit of hurt remain. I suspect the loneliness will not disappear, but I am good at staying busy and occupied. Do you think my pain and loneliness is normal? Is it normal to wonder if the other person thinks about you from time to time, even knowing that our paths will never cross again? Do you think that my questions about destiny and the future are normal? Btw, I do go on dating websites, but rarely get dates -- especially since I turned 4o. Plus, I'm not white, so that makes it much harder.
CopingGal Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 There's a dating site called Seniors People Meet, but it's not just for people 50 and over. There are lots of good looking guys in their 40's on the site. But you have to be a paying member because being able to check your mail. I don't pay, so I can't even get my mail. Anyway, you might like it.
ballycastle Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I am 42. I've only ever had one boyfriend, at age 39, whom I loved deeply. I believed at the time he loved me, and we talked about a future together. It ended, there was pain in our final moments but I guess that was to be expected. He moved on to another woman quite quickly and married her a year after our break up. We did speak briefly, about 3 months after our break up and within a month of him meeting this woman. I wanted us to try again but he had moved on and wanted to stay with the woman....all the while telling me he still had feelings for me and hadn't closed his heart to me. I guess the latter comments were not fair, as they made me feel that the woman may have been simply a rebound and there was still hope for us. It's been almost 3 yrs, and yes I've stopped ruminating over the questions of how could he move on so fast and fall in love with another girl so quickly, did he actually love me, etc. Regardless of the answers, I know at this point that the answers do not matter. I have never met anyone since. I've been on the odd date, but never a relationship. It could be my age, my looks, whatever. I think I'm reasonably attractive but who knows. ( I've been told in the past that I am smart and interesting, and nice-looking.) I will say that I hurt a great deal for a long time afterwards. I prayed a great deal, I even asked God that He keep me alive in that man's heart, perhaps hoping he would return to me. Before I learned of his marriage, I prayed for reconciliation. Given the marriage that subsequently happened, I know I had to stop hoping for reconciliation, and I did, but unfortunately the pain lingered. I'm a hard working individual. After the break up, I continued to work hard at my job, I kept up with my exercise schedule, and hobbies. I cried on my mother's shoulder but did not burden anyone else. I took vitamins and omega3's to keep my serotonin levels up. But I can honestly now say that it hasn't worked. Unfortunately, I'm lonely. Ive had some good friends in the past, but they've dwindled. If I ask a friend to a movie or dinner, they are usually busy. I still pursue my hobbies and sports but these do not generate new friends or dating prospects. My fear is that my loneliness is feeding my past hurt, it is feeding my sense of loss over losing this man, and the feeling that he was the one that got away. More importantly, I find myself questioning my path in life. Is there something better for me out there? I guess with me, because I had never experienced love or even male attention until I was 39, I thought the wait was over. But for the man I loved, his destiny unfolded in a beautiful way after my absence from his world, whereas my life contracted a great deal to the point where I now spend a lot of time by myself and recognize that I am unlikely to have a family of my own at this age, and probably not a life partner either. Other than my elderly mother I don't have close family members who love and care for me. But I am grateful for my mother. I have attempted healing - spiritually, as well as via a psychologist. She thinks eventually I will find activities and a rhythm in life that may keep me contented. Sometimes in my spiritual moments I do ask that the man still think about me from time to time with warmth (of course, I recognize that I will never know the answer to that prayer), perhaps to convince myself that despite my age I did experience something real at one stage of my life and it wasn't all for naught. It wasn't accidental that we met, right? As to the greater purpose - who knows, but that question DOES bother me. What was my purpose in that encounter, and the current outcome? I tried so hard to heal yet love and healing came so swiftly to the other man -- yes, I did feel betrayed by his quick new relationship and marriage. Whether that feeling is justifiable or not, the situation stung. I wonder about how his destiny unfolded, yet mine remained stagnant. I am on the path of acceptance of the status quo, but the loneliness and teensy bit of hurt remain. I suspect the loneliness will not disappear, but I am good at staying busy and occupied. Do you think my pain and loneliness is normal? Is it normal to wonder if the other person thinks about you from time to time, even knowing that our paths will never cross again? Do you think that my questions about destiny and the future are normal? Btw, I do go on dating websites, but rarely get dates -- especially since I turned 4o. Plus, I'm not white, so that makes it much harder. Hi, all your questions are normal and you sound like a very balanced, calm spirited individual who I believe will meet someone. I share your difficulties, I am over 40 and non-white and emphasise with your plight. If you are ready to meet others, I found MEET UP which is for like minded people in your area. What are your hobbies? Have you tried that, just to meet others would be a really good start as everyone is on an equal playing field. What about online dating? EHarmony is more expensive that others but you do a questionnaire which is meant to match to most suited. I think if you believe, as I feel you do, you will meet someone. You sound a very determined individual. good luck!.
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