Enna Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Urgh, another breadcrumb in the early hours of the morning. :-( 'I have loved you so much' (!!!!love that past tense!), 'You are such a beautiful beautiful person' and 'I don't want to lose you' (?!). 'It would mean so much to me if we could still speak again.' This is still nowhere near a 180 is it?!! ARGHH!!! *Remembers: Broiled! Falling off the bone!*
Ordinaryday Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 You have to be firm: simply message her with "have enough respect for me to not contact me at all unless the contact is about us getting back together" - it's polite but firm, and after that ignore all contact from her unless it is about you know what. 1
Author Enna Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thanks, OD - doesn't that imply that I'm waiting on his decision though? It feels like allowing him to dump me a second time!
Author Enna Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Oh the usual crap about 'confusion' and 'needing space'. I know he was definitely stressed about his job, so he seems to have packed both me and it in on the same day.
forgetmenot75 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Enna, do not reply. He is testing the waters to see if you still love him. If he wants you, he'll make something happen, those are breadcrumbs, nothing more than that. 1
Author Enna Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 That's what I'm inclined to think - thanks, forgetmenot. I mean - 'I have loved you'?!!! WTF?!
Zahara Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Ignore. If you really have to reply, you can say, "You chose to end the relationship, therefore, please respect my need to heal from this by ceasing all contact with me. Thank you." When he dumped you, he gave up all access to you. He's not entitled to have you on his terms. Plus, he's just looking for attention. If he wants you, he will send you a message of a different context. 2
Author Enna Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thank you, Zahara. The other breadcrumbs were more passive - 'Give me your news when you have time ' and then 'I would be so sad not to have any contact with you anymore' (followed by a check with my friend via Facebook to make sure I was still alive) now this one...which, though less passive still doesn't really say anything...
forgetmenot75 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Thank you, Zahara. The other breadcrumbs were more passive - 'Give me your news when you have time ' and then 'I would be so sad not to have any contact with you anymore' (followed by a check with my friend via Facebook to make sure I was still alive) now this one...which, though less passive still doesn't really say anything... PLEASE, do not reply!!! Silence is the best. Don't give him any power. Make yourself unavailable to this guy.
Zahara Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 'I would be so sad not to have any contact with you anymore'... That said it all. He'll be sad not to have contact anymore but is choosing not to change that circumstance, meaning he's fine with letting you go.
inaya42 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) "i have loved you so much" is not the past tense; it is the present perfect tense -- an action that began in the past and continues in the present. (i have been on this site since april. OR i have loved my son since i first met him.) either way, still breadcrumbs. remain NC if you want to move on. respond if you want to be friendly. respond that you only want to hear from him about rekindling if you want to establish that boundary for future contact. good luck. Edited June 17, 2013 by inaya42 1
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I'd also say ignore him. Sending you a drunk text in the middle of the night is childish and stupid. He's reaching for attention as others have said. Us guys are notorious for calling, texting, knocking on doors of ex's after a bad night in the bars, when we feel alone. We know we can get at least the attention of our ex's, RIGHT? He'll do one of two things when you ignore him. He'll move on down the road or he'll get scared he's lost your for good and come chasing you down SAYING he wants you back. 1
Minneloa Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 either way, still breadcrumbs. remain NC if you want to move on. respond if you want to be friendly. respond that you only want to hear from him about rekindling if you want to establish that boundary for future contact. good luck. Well said! A handy pocket guide to dealing with breadcrumbs. 1
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 "i have loved you so much" is not the past tense; it is the present perfect tense -- an action that began in the past and continues in the present. (i have been on this site since april. OR i have loved my son since i first met him.) Haha this is brill, thank you - I was speaking with my emotional rather than my grammarian head. :-) It's a verbal contortion! 2
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I'd also say ignore him. Sending you a drunk text in the middle of the night is childish and stupid. He's reaching for attention as others have said. Us guys are notorious for calling, texting, knocking on doors of ex's after a bad night in the bars, when we feel alone. We know we can get at least the attention of our ex's, RIGHT? He'll do one of two things when you ignore him. He'll move on down the road or he'll get scared he's lost your for good and come chasing you down SAYING he wants you back. Thank you very much indeed - this is exactly what I thought, and it has really helped to get male point of view on this.
eleve82 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Sounds exactly like my ex. Frankly, if one is perfectly honest, there's no harm keeping the doors open for yourself while you explore other options. Life doesn't have to be so black and white as long as you don't allow your self esteem to be dictated by his actions. Also, guys are not necessarily lying when they say they are confused. I'd rather someone took a longer time to make up his mind but be absolutely sure of his decision when he came to it. Sometimes some people just take longer due to lack of self awareness, life experiences etc. so don't take it personally but enjoy the time to explore what your freedom offers. 1
inaya42 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) Sounds exactly like my ex. Frankly, if one is perfectly honest, there's no harm keeping the doors open for yourself while you explore other options. Life doesn't have to be so black and white as long as you don't allow your self esteem to be dictated by his actions. Also, guys are not necessarily lying when they say they are confused. I'd rather someone took a longer time to make up his mind but be absolutely sure of his decision when he came to it. Sometimes some people just take longer due to lack of self awareness, life experiences etc. so don't take it personally but enjoy the time to explore what your freedom offers. I tend to agree with this! these kind of confused, emotive dumpers can become good friends or great flings while they figure themselves out. my ex has said some of these things verbatim. I've already wished him the happiest life ever and have decided not him know further, less because of his confused emotions and more because of his offensive behaviors in the relationship. breakup rules aside, it really is up to you. Edited June 18, 2013 by inaya42 1
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Sounds exactly like my ex. Frankly, if one is perfectly honest, there's no harm keeping the doors open for yourself while you explore other options. Life doesn't have to be so black and white as long as you don't allow your self esteem to be dictated by his actions. I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I think that people with self esteem probably don't get to this stage of analysing the behaviour of someone who has dumped them!
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I think you've hit the nail on the head there. I think that people with self esteem probably don't get to this stage of analysing the behaviour of someone who has dumped them! But.. the point of NC is for US to heal from the break up and then move on. Having occasional bread crumbs when you're still in pain over the break up isn't condusive for healing. It provides false hope, keeps you engaged, etc. It also provides an ego boost to the dumpee who feels like he can come back and have you whenever he wants. You know, the 2nd choice. Why provide that to someone who told you they don't want you in their lives anymore, that they'd rather find someone else than you? While the dumpee made the decision to end the relationship, we can have some power back by chosing to ignore them and let them fully understand what the consequences of their decision is. 1
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 While the dumpee made the decision to end the relationship, we can have some power back by chosing to ignore them and let them fully understand what the consequences of their decision is. Absolutely, this is the crux of the whole thing. I also think complete silence is better than engaging with the person to stop the breadcrumbs, it feels like entering into their circus again. I think you just have to be tough about the breadcrumbs - either block em or see em for what they are.
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Absolutely, this is the crux of the whole thing. I also think complete silence is better than engaging with the person to stop the breadcrumbs, it feels like entering into their circus again. I think you just have to be tough about the breadcrumbs - either block em or see em for what they are. Trust me, it does SUCK.. I'm still feeling it 2 1/2 weeks post my break up too. I'm dating again so it's a nice distraction for me as well. I wanted to make it work w/my ex but it's easier for her to not address her issues and find someone else who's not aware of them. To me, going through this process, the biggest challenge is how WE handle and manage our emotions. It's our choice if we chose to rumminate over an ex for weeks or months and let it TOTALLY disrupt our lives. Some people are simply wired to say "oh it's over huh, ok". Morn for a short while and then look for someone else while others get "stuck" in this cycle of sadness and grief. You hear all sides on this site. None are perfect. Each has to take the path that makes them more comfortable. 1
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Trust me, it does SUCK.. I'm still feeling it 2 1/2 weeks post my break up too. I'm dating again so it's a nice distraction for me as well. I wanted to make it work w/my ex but it's easier for her to not address her issues and find someone else who's not aware of them. To me, going through this process, the biggest challenge is how WE handle and manage our emotions. It's our choice if we chose to rumminate over an ex for weeks or months and let it TOTALLY disrupt our lives. Some people are simply wired to say "oh it's over huh, ok". Nearly a month for me - I utterly agree that you have to decide to move on. I think it's brilliant you're dating and enjoying it. I don't want to waste any time pining. But I went on a date last week and it made me feel ill. :-( Damn I'm desperate to beat this! I want to send a message to stop the breadcrumbs but I think I would torment myself if I did, for having said the wrong thing.
aloneinaz Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Nearly a month for me - I utterly agree that you have to decide to move on. I think it's brilliant you're dating and enjoying it. I don't want to waste any time pining. But I went on a date last week and it made me feel ill. :-( Damn I'm desperate to beat this! I want to send a message to stop the breadcrumbs but I think I would torment myself if I did, for having said the wrong thing. Fantastic that you went on that date! That's a HUGE step you took even if it didn't feel right at the time. I enjoy the company of women and am usually pretty comfortable around them. It's a fun distraction and WTH, if I hit it off and found someone to hang out with, great. Even better if I felt like it had some long term potential as well. I keep saying this on a lot of threads but.. I just REFUSE to let a person who didn't want me in their life, disrupt my life for months, and months. In my case, I'm like F-U woman, YOUR loss.
Author Enna Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Do you not find yourself comparing them to your ex though? I felt like it was too soon for me, but something that's probably necessary to get through this stage. And I applaud your attitude!
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