Is she cheating or am I crazy?

[JamesAC]

Hey guys,

 

First of all let me say sorry now for any of the typos I might make, English is not my first language.

I've been in a relationship for 8 years now and have been happy with these girl. Even considered marriage lately.

 

She's off on a trip ( she's a school teacher ) and she called me last night wanting some contact details on a friend of ours.

I was watching TV, working on my laptop, and talking to her on the phone and so I took the PC Tablet we share, logged in onto my Facebook account and tried to get the info there since it was easier for me than putting down the phone.

As we share the tablet she was logged in already. Now, I never go trough her stuff, I simply don't care. It's pointless to worry about things you have no control. This happens usually, I just log out from her account and log into mine.

I don't know what got into me but these time i didn't. Got the info she asked from my phone and finished the conversation.

I was left standing there with her Facebook account and didn't really know why the heck I did that. I had no clue what would be interesting about her account. So I left it alone, I forgot about it for hours. Later on, I took the tablet and tried to send a message to my best friend, ask him if he wants to get a beer. Forgot she was logged in and hit messages right away. These was the interesting thing I was looking for earlier but I was too blind to see it.

When she was in college I remember she was telling me about a guy that was asking her out constantly. She told me at that time she didn't like him, that she found him repulsive, and that was that.

Now, in her message box was a conversation with these particular guy. She was asking him for some info and at the end of the message she said: "By the way, when can we see each other again?" he replied he was out to Madrid ( we live in a different country ) and he'd be gone for a week. She than replied " Oww btw, what are you bringing me from Madrid?"

 

Sorry for the long story, just wanted you guys to have all the facts. She never gave me any reasons to suspect anything, and neither did I. Now, she never uses these tone nor these familiar expressions with anyone except me. She blows off most guys that hit on her ( to the best of my knowledge ) and she tries to not to get to "friendly" with them to not give them the wrong idea. Or so I believed for all these years. So you can imagine my surprise to see her so friendly with a guy she said she "hated".

I don't think she got around to doing anything yet, but I don't intend to stick around and find out. Lack of trust is enough for me to break up an 8 year relationship. But than again I don't wanna read too much into this.

I have not yet talked to her because she's not back, and I'm embarrassed I looked trough her Facebook account, but I need to make a decision by the and of the day. Confronting her means braking up, I need no explanations. If I'm wrong I just rather not bring it up at all.

Any thoughts?

Edited June 17, 2013 by JamesAC

[karnak]

 

When she was in college I remember she was telling me about a guy that was asking her out constantly. She told me at that time she didn't like him, that she found him repulsive, and that was that.

Now, in her message box was a conversation with these particular guy. She was asking him for some info and at the end of the message she said: "By the way, when can we see each other again?" he replied he was out to Madrid ( we live in a different country ) and he'd be gone for a week. She than replied " Oww btw, what are you bringing me from Madrid?"

 

 

Women usually tend to regard as "invisible" men who they're not attracted to.

 

When they see them as "ugly" or "repulsive" it's because they give them some sort of special feeling (be it good or bad).

 

She could think of him as horrible in order to try to persuade herself not to let her feelings grow, or something like that.

 

But, hey, it's just an oppinion.

[leftfordead2]

How long ago were the messages? When did she tell you that she found the guy repulsive?

[senoritabonita]

The thing is, you read every single message, no? So shouldn´t it all tell you what happened? I really don´t know if she is cheating, but here´s the thing. You will always want to know. It will always be eating away at you, whether or not she is cheating, what happened, why would she be talkign to him that way. I don´t think that you should go crazy on her.

 

I don´t know, from my perspective, if my bf came to me telling me he snooped on my facebook I wouldn´t really get angry. Id be confused but I´d just ask what he found. I think if she gets really angry it will be because she is guilty. Don´t approach it until you feel a bit calmer. In the meantime keep your eye open on what she´s doing, etc.

This may not be a big deal. Maybe you should just wait until you feel better, calmer and then approach the topic. This way you can just sit her down and say what you saw and ask her, calmly, to tell you what is going on.

[Spark1111]

She could be cheating...you may or may not be crazy.

 

Why the rush to make a decision today?

 

Why not lay back, pretend everything is okay, and gather conclusive information?

 

How and when would she see this man who may be bringing her gift?

[JamesAC]

Hey guys, thanks for the quick answers.

 

@karnak:

I'm starting to think you're right man. I remember now that the guy keept calling and when I asked if she wanted me to have a talk with him she said she was going to handdle it. That was that and we never spoke of it.

 

 

@leftfordead2:

The messages are from last week, the guy should've come back yesterday. The discussion we had about him was a very long time ago. Something like 4 years ago. The guy keep calling her ( I remember better now ) and when I asked her she told me the things I said earlier.

 

 

@senoritabonita:

Thank you, I appreciate a lady's opinion. I'm cool though, I'm not going to start a fight with her. I have read all the massages, but that's just it. The series starts with him giving her he's work e-mail, some stupid conversation about his business, and then this. She's going to get real defensive if I try to talk to her ( at list that's what I think ) and I'm not going to get anything out of her.

 

@Spark1111:

Spark, thanks man for reassuring me I'm not crazy. I'm picking her up in two hours from her school trip and she's going to notice something wrong with me. This s*** is been eating at me since last night when i found out. I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to keep a mascaraed on. But than again you might be right. The thought had crossed my mind. Keep calm and wait until she meets the guy and see if she lies about the reason she's going out.

 

 

The problem is that she is never this friendly with anyone ( to the best of my knowledge ). It's just not like her to speak these way to a colleague.

She might be flirting, if so, it's enough for me. God damn, I have women asking me out twice a month, and I'm not bragging, and for 8 years I have rejected each and every one. I'm just not like that; if I fall in love with someone else I just brake it up an leave. Why waste the time. If she does need to flirt with someone it means ( in my opinion ) that she's lost interest in me, if so I'd prefer a little honesty and we can both move on with our lives.

 

Damn, I hate not trusting her and the fact that she gave me a reason to do so...

[Spark1111]

stay calm here. IF she is having an inappropriate relationship with another man and you tip your cards too early, you may drive them further underground and have no substantial proof that anything wrong is going on.

 

Bide your time man and be SURE before you act all whacked out in front of her.

 

IF it is only flirting, you and she have some marital issues to address before you do something stupid or pull the plug prematurely.

[BetrayedH]

Spark is right.

 

Quietly going into investigative mode is the way to go. If you're going to leave, you don't want to leave on a guess. And confronting her would do nothing but make her take it further underground or just stop until the dust settles. She would likely just spin the whole thing into you being jealous and controlling. It's called 'gaslighting' and it's sadly par for the course. Smile and play stupid while you figure out what's really going on.

[JamesAC]

Hey guys,

 

Spark, Betrayed, I took your advices. I didn't say a word and right now she's sleeping next to me. Ofcourse she's not actind any different, but I expected that.

The problem is this guys: I'm almost sure she hasn't done anything yet. She would feel guilty ( from what I think I know about her ) and probabily wanna talk. But I do know this, she is flirting, and that's a problem that may develop.

Keep these in mind, I never check up on her, I don't care where she's going or who she's been with, I trust her no questions asked. I've asked for only one thing from the begining: honesty no matter what. So when she goes and does this, she's lost everything with me. I'm sorry it took me a hole day to figure these out and got you guys envolved. I will let these go on for a while, see where it goes. Right now i hardly speak to her and ofcourse she noticed. Things are going to get even whorse in the comming week. If she does care fore these guy I'm going to push her as far away from me as I can. I will give her all the reasons I didn't before. Now if I'm right she's going to forget these guy and try to salvage what we have; If I'm wrong, than I guess I just saved myshelf some time. Might be the only way she can get my trust back. After these hell week, if we make it, well...i guess than will find out what really happened.

[karnak]

Best of luck to you, mate.

 

Whenever you need to vent, or some advice, be free to post here.

 

There are some very wonderful and helpful people who will try to help you. Some may give you good advice. Others bad ones.

 

But you'll find something here to help you and soothe you, somehow.

[aliveagain]

Install a key logger if you want the truth. You are not married but in a 8 year relationship with her, is that correct? That's a long commitment, not much different than being married. From what you wrote she is very comfortable with someone she is supposed to hate. It is obvious that she has already been out with him but without your knowledge so that in itself is a secret she is keeping from you. The fact that they will most likely meet up when he comes back from Madrid in a week, with her gift will be another secret. Why not ask her how she feels about your relationship?

[JamesAC]

@karnak: Thanks mate for the kind words. I will keep posting here, I know it sound's sad by you guys are the only ones who know and that have given me some solid advice. I talked to may best friend, but the dude has no idea, we both never gone trough something like this before.

 

@aliveagain: A key logger in not necessary, I have the resources and skills to find out more if I want to. The "going behind my back", flirting is quite enough now for me. You're right, 8 years is a long time, the ring now is just a technicality and we both know it. The plans we have, included a kid in the very near future. I've been working my ass off for the past 2 and a half years to get the resources in order to get married and change our house in order to better suit a kid. I've been 110% involved in this relationship and this is just like a kick in the balls for me.

If you're right and she has gone out with him already, well there is nothing more to do - my mind is made up. I think they've met on some occasions, maybe reunions or something but than again that just may be wishful thinking from my part.

[aliveagain]

James, I hope I'm wrong but I think you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. They sound too comfortable together and you know nothing about their relationship, it's been kept secret from you. Anything secret and kept from you can't be good for your relationship. You need the truth before you commit anymore time to her, if they have been communicating and meeting up for the last 4 years without your knowledge, that's a lot to keep from someone she loves. Even if nothing has happened yet, bringing a third person into the relationship is never a good idea.

[sayyes19]

So why let it "develop"? It sounds like you're as likely 2 set her up 2 fail, as much as you're waiting 2 see what she does without knowing you are watching.

 

 

 

So now you know how BSs are devastated when they discover an affair - because their trust in their spouse was blind. They (we) couldn't conceive of the possibility that our spouse would do something so cruel.

 

Do you truly not care where she's going or who she's been with? That doesn't sound like love 2 me. Now would be a good time 2 start caring, and showing her that you do care about her. You can do that while you're watching 2 see what's up with this other guy. And you just might head off an affair if she wakes up and ends the secrecy on her own, because she wants 2.

 

 

 

Again, why push her away? If she's on the fence but hasn't made the decision 2 go foward with an affair, why encourage her 2 do so by being distant?

 

 

 

Just remember, no more trusting blind. Trust must be earned, for both of you. Something 2 think about.

 

-ol' 2long

If she can't satay faithful now before children are involved without a warning then there's no way she would stay faithful once the children are around. Good luck sir. I hope you are wrong about her.

[leftfordead2]

So why let it "develop"? It sounds like you're as likely 2 set her up 2 fail, as much as you're waiting 2 see what she does without knowing you are watching.

 

 

 

So now you know how BSs are devastated when they discover an affair - because their trust in their spouse was blind. They (we) couldn't conceive of the possibility that our spouse would do something so cruel.

 

Do you truly not care where she's going or who she's been with? That doesn't sound like love 2 me. Now would be a good time 2 start caring, and showing her that you do care about her. You can do that while you're watching 2 see what's up with this other guy. And you just might head off an affair if she wakes up and ends the secrecy on her own, because she wants 2.

 

 

 

Again, why push her away? If she's on the fence but hasn't made the decision 2 go foward with an affair, why encourage her 2 do so by being distant?

 

 

 

Just remember, no more trusting blind. Trust must be earned, for both of you. Something 2 think about.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I have to respectfully disagree with your first point. He should indeed see what she does without letting her know that he is aware.

[JamesAC]

@ 2long:

Thanks for your opinion.

In the last 8 years I myself have changed a lot. I used to be a jealous guy. We had a talk and since then I've done some growing up. She never checked up, never asked about what I did with my boys. I could see she needed to know but she never asked.

As time went on, we both went on with our lives, she goes out with her girlfriends and I spend time with my boys. There is no need to check up because we had an agreement to set the other one straight if we fall for another. Simple as that. Life is unpredictable and you can never control your feelings.

We've lasted for 8 years together, because neither of us are searching for someone else.

That is why I have the up most confidence in her.

I'm putting her trough hell to test her commitment to our relationship. We have a great life and she loves the way I am on a day to day basis. If I change that she can either try to "fix me" or pull away if she has feelings for these other guy. I won't try to change the way she feels, that's a loosing battle. You can make someone fall for you, but if they stop loving you it's almost impossible to get that back again.

 

 

I have to give you guys an update.

As I said, I stopped being the cheerful guy, stopped talking to her, stopped everything I used to do. It's been 3 days now and she has gone out of her mind trying to find out what's wrong with me. She's trying to make me feel better all the time.

 

I mentioned earlier that I don't think she's having a thing with these guy. I think she's lost interest in me and needs to flirt with another. After these 3 days she looks committed.

The turning point is going to be the night she has to go out to meet these guy. I have no problem if she tells the truth, that she's seeing someone to get some info on something. If nothing is going on she's going to do what she always does: ask me to give her a ride there and/or to pick her up.

If she lies and tells me she's out with the girls, I'm not going to be home when she comes back.

So far we never lied to each other. The truth is easier. Even if we don't always agree with what the other does, we made a rule to tell the truth. So far she flirted with someone.

By the way, I said I have the means to find out more if I wanted to but I won't. I couldn't help my shelf and had my boys do a check up. She never talked to these guy on the phone in the last year. I won't tell you how but I know that she doesn't have a second phone. My boys are accurate when it comes to business.

So, as it looks now, I was wrong and she's only exchanged a few FB messages with a guy and got cute when she shouldn't. By the end of the week we should find out the hole story, but I have to tell you guys I'm feeling positive.

I might have to buy some flowers for being a jerk a whole week if these turns out good, and I have to tell you I really don't mind that

[Just a Guy]

Hi James, I have read through your thread till this point. I have to say that you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. I think your girl friend is on the level. If she does talk to some other male it does not mean she is flirting with him or having an affair. I have not seen any thing to suggest that she is cheating on you or even thinking of doing so. If you were in the US your girl friend would be talking to quite a few male friends and colleagues and it would not mean a thing. I guess you are some where in Europe and I would think people there would be a little more liberal in their thinking. If she is actually cheating on you or planning to do so the Red Flags would be as clear as daylight.

 

Just take it easy Man and give your girl friend some space. Eight years seems a long time to dump into the waste bin just because you have some vague fears that your girl friend is cheating/planning to cheat on you. By all means keep your eyes open and if you do feel something is wrong then confront her . Just don't hurt her when she has been loyal to you all along. Remember she also knows how much she has to lose if she does something foolish and she too, has history with you and has invested a lot of herself in this relationship. Warm Wishes!

[JamesAC]

@Just a Guy:

You actually made a great point. No matter how well I try to explain to you guys our relationship, I could never get 8 years of experiences, feelings and our personalities into these posts.

You have to understand that in our case honesty is the most important thing.

We know each other quite well and we know when something is wrong. Furthermore it's not like her to engage in these type of conversations. Her approach to these kinda guys is completely different from the one she used now.

She has all the time and space in the world. We kinda made a rule to have time apart, you can't spend all your free time with your partner, you need to have some free time for your shelf.

I have no problem with her spending time with her friends, male or female. It's not the first time she went out with old friends . She even tried to make me feel comfortable with her friend, but we didn't connect and so I stopped going.

That being said, I know when she flirting and when she having a normal conversation.

Because I can't explain how I know this, I'm just going to say that those messages were just not like her.

 

@2long:

Thanks again for your messages.

First of all:

I don't wanna get into a debate. Those were just my opinions and I kinda stick to them.

In my case I can't control when I fall in love. If it happens I don't realize it, it hits me well after it happened. I may find other women attractive or it may be the other way around, but I won't act on it because I respect and value my partner and our relationship.

Second:

Why is that manipulation? I agree with you don't get me wrong. It's more rewarding if someone falls for you without you interfering. That's why I plan not to get in the way. She's in a relationship with me, that should mean she has feelings for me. So if the person you love is upset, well you kinda notice that. If you care, you try to do something about that, if not....

Third:

I only thing she's flirting and I'm trying to find out why, find out if she's lost interest in our relationship. And these is the best way I know how.

Fourth:

Agreed.

Fifth:

You may be right. We do a great job communicating, or so we think, but these "game" that I'm playing might turn out to be a good thing. Either way, I'm not comfortable asking her about it yet, and I'm kinda letting the whole thing play along so far.

[2sunny]

If your relationship is based on honesty - why not tell her what you discovered?

 

That would be honest...