My boyfriend said something really sweet.

[Els]

Good grief. He made the decision and plans to go before they were together. That's not the same as "initiating an LDR" and choosing an LDR over her.

 

I had already accepted a place in a PhD program in another time zone when my H and I started seeing each other. Does that mean I "initiated an LDR" and chose it over him because I didn't care about him? Nope. It was something I had to do, and he had to stay where he was for his own reasons. It was either going to work or not, but neither of us did anything wrong in sticking with our previously arranged plans.

 

It's not unfair to enter into a relationship knowing that you'll be separated from your partner at some point if both people know it's happening and are going into it with eyes wide open. It's riskier, but if both people are willing to give it a chance, what exactly is the big friggin' deal?

 

For real.

 

It also amazes me how big a deal people are making over the guy leaving to pursue studies for a YEAR. It's just a freakin' year. Lots of people have made things work with longer periods of separation. Any man or woman who gives up their education because they don't want to leave their 6-month relationship for a year, needs to be slapped upside the head.

 

Also, as a side note, considering the fact that the majority of people giving the guy flak for leaving to pursue his studies are male, it's interesting how some posters try to turn this thread around into a 'women criticizing women' thing.

Edited June 19, 2013 by Elswyth

[sweetjasmine]

For real.

 

It also amazes me how big a deal people are making over the guy leaving to pursue studies for a YEAR. It's just a freakin' year. Lots of people have made things work with longer periods of separation. Any man or woman who gives up their education because they don't want to leave their 6-month relationship for a year, needs to be slapped upside the head.

 

Seriously, if a guy here posted that he was offered this awesome dream job that had him working somewhere else for a whole year but wasn't sure what to do because he really loved his girlfriend of 6 months and didn't want to be separated from her, what exactly would the majority opinion be around here? "If you truly cared about her, you'd pass up the job offer and use the money you'd spend moving on a wedding and/or house" ? Yeah, right. And if it turned out the girlfriend was pressuring him to pass up the opportunity and stay with her, what would people think of her behavior?

[Els]

Seriously, if a guy here posted that he was offered this awesome dream job that had him working somewhere else for a whole year but wasn't sure what to do because he really loved his girlfriend of 6 months and didn't want to be separated from her, what exactly would the majority opinion be around here? "If you truly cared about her, you'd pass up the job offer and use the money you'd spend moving on a wedding and/or house" ? Yeah, right. And if it turned out the girlfriend was pressuring him to pass up the opportunity and stay with her, what would people think of her behavior?

 

Yeah.

 

I could understand an education/career sacrifice, maybe, if they had been together for a very long time prior to the guy even receiving the offer, or if the girl was pregnant, or they had young kids together, etc.

 

In this case, the best decision for Jaclyn's bf to make is pretty clear-cut.

[charlietheginger]

Seriously, if a guy here posted that he was offered this awesome dream job that had him working somewhere else for a whole year but wasn't sure what to do because he really loved his girlfriend of 6 months and didn't want to be separated from her, what exactly would the majority opinion be around here? "If you truly cared about her, you'd pass up the job offer and use the money you'd spend moving on a wedding and/or house" ? Yeah, right. And if it turned out the girlfriend was pressuring him to pass up the opportunity and stay with her, what would people think of her behavior?

 

A dream job means money incomming to use towards

A wedding and comming.home with loads of cash

 

Traveling overseas for education means thousands in

Student loans , missing work and letting your g/f pay

Rent and bills why your away learning to speak french

With a accent....then comes home further in debt

Walmart isnt paying over 10 bucks a hour but still

Thats 340 a week 1400 a month he loses by going over

Seas

 

Btw its not required for him to travel to europe

Its not a missed opp he has to pay later with interest

 

He could travel.europe anytime he wants next yr yr after

its.not like he loses his chance everyyear he can go

Get the picture

Edited June 19, 2013 by charlietheginger
loss

[sweetjasmine]

Btw its not required for him to travel to europe

Its not a missed opp he has to pay later with interest

 

He could travel.europe anytime he wants next yr yr after

its.not like he loses his chance everyyear he can go

Get the picture

 

Yes, it is required if he intends to apply to graduate school. And, yes, he could conceivably cancel this year and travel next year, but if she can't go either year, what difference does it make? Or should no one in a relationship ever go anywhere unless they can bring along their partner? In any case, his ability to cancel and reschedule doesn't make it a good decision to do so. They've only been dating for six months. It'd be foolish for him to put his education on hold for a new relationship.

 

Seriously, just because some of you guys don't value education very much doesn't mean everyone else shares your priorities. This thread is pretty ridiculous.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Good grief. He made the decision and plans to go before they were together. That's not the same as "initiating an LDR" and choosing an LDR over her.

 

I had already accepted a place in a PhD program in another time zone when my H and I started seeing each other. Does that mean I "initiated an LDR" and chose it over him because I didn't care about him? Nope. It was something I had to do, and he had to stay where he was for his own reasons. It was either going to work or not, but neither of us did anything wrong in sticking with our previously arranged plans.

 

It's not unfair to enter into a relationship knowing that you'll be separated from your partner at some point if both people know it's happening and are going into it with eyes wide open. It's riskier, but if both people are willing to give it a chance, what exactly is the big friggin' deal?

 

 

For real.

 

It also amazes me how big a deal people are making over the guy leaving to pursue studies for a YEAR. It's just a freakin' year. Lots of people have made things work with longer periods of separation. Any man or woman who gives up their education because they don't want to leave their 6-month relationship for a year, needs to be slapped upside the head.

 

Also, as a side note, considering the fact that the majority of people giving the guy flak for leaving to pursue his studies are male, it's interesting how some posters try to turn this thread around into a 'women criticizing women' thing.

 

I totally agree with you two. I went into this knowing he was going to leave, we BOTH felt like for us, it was totally worth it. From the get to we knew what we wanted. We want the marriage the house kids... But we also believe in bettering ourselves and our life before we jump into such serious commitments. It is only a year, it sucks but this isn't him leaving for good. He has to come back, and for what his goals are, this is something he has to do to reach them.

 

It's shocking to me how many people are pegging our relationship as a bad one. I love the fact that we support each other in our life goals! I think that is a huge part of being in a successful relationship.

 

 

This all started because I shared something that made me giddy, because as of late these talks of marriage and kids are becoming more frequent. It isn't like he is stoked to leave me, he is having a hard time, but I want him to do it. I believe that education and setting a foundation is extremely important.

 

People can say he is wooing me with words, but I spend day in and day out with this man, we have such a solid relationship and its everything I could have ever dreamed of. A year apart will be a blip if we end up spending our lives together.

 

Seriously, if a guy here posted that he was offered this awesome dream job that had him working somewhere else for a whole year but wasn't sure what to do because he really loved his girlfriend of 6 months and didn't want to be separated from her, what exactly would the majority opinion be around here? "If you truly cared about her, you'd pass up the job offer and use the money you'd spend moving on a wedding and/or house" ? Yeah, right. And if it turned out the girlfriend was pressuring him to pass up the opportunity and stay with her, what would people think of her behavior?

 

Yeah.

 

I could understand an education/career sacrifice, maybe, if they had been together for a very long time prior to the guy even receiving the offer, or if the girl was pregnant, or they had young kids together, etc.

 

In this case, the best decision for Jaclyn's bf to make is pretty clear-cut.

 

Exactly. People would be throwing a fit if I was pushing him to stay for my benefit and givin him crap for doing it.

 

A dream job means money incomming to use towards

A wedding and comming.home with loads of cash

 

Traveling overseas for education means thousands in

Student loans , missing work and letting your g/f pay

Rent and bills why your away learning to speak french

With a accent....then comes home further in debt

Walmart isnt paying over 10 bucks a hour but still

Thats 340 a week 1400 a month he loses by going over

Seas

 

Btw its not required for him to travel to europe

Its not a missed opp he has to pay later with interest

 

He could travel.europe anytime he wants next yr yr after

its.not like he loses his chance everyyear he can go

Get the picture

 

I'm sorry but you are so off kilter.

For one, dream job means a HUGE increase in pay, with an even bigger amount of room for advancement. Dream job means... Ding ding ding. College! For what he wants to do and in order to land a job that pays well, education is very important.

 

The short term benefits of staying are hugely outweighed by the cons.

Have his gf pay rent and bills alone? He doesn't support me. We keep money seperate. We split rent and groceries, but ultimately I support myself.

 

We aren't married, I have no problem being a big girl and taking care or myself while he's gone, I did it before him, I can still do it when he leaves thank you vey much.

 

Yes, it is required if he intends to apply to graduate school. And, yes, he could conceivably cancel this year and travel next year, but if she can't go either year, what difference does it make? Or should no one in a relationship ever go anywhere unless they can bring along their partner? In any case, his ability to cancel and reschedule doesn't make it a good decision to do so. They've only been dating for six months. It'd be foolish for him to put his education on hold for a new relationship.

 

Seriously, just because some of you guys don't value education very much doesn't mean everyone else shares your priorities. This thread is pretty ridiculous.

 

 

Serously. Putting it off another year wasn't even an option. What was he supposed to do? Meet me and the. Boom change his plans after a month. By the time things got serious between us this whole trip was already gearing up to take place.

 

 

Also, I didn't correct earlier since I find your point to still be very valid, but 8 months. ;D

[SuperGeek]

Former lovers Adam and Jen explain what went wrong | Life and style | The Observer

 

Remember, don't shoot the messenger I just ran into this article and gee it's pretty darn similar to this thread.

 

I'm hoping you have better luck than the poeple in the article and of course better luck than I usually do with relationships

 

SuperGeek

[jakelongot]

Thank you.

 

 

I've never understood that mindset. I'm not technically waiting for anything, and by him leaving, what exactly am I putting on hold when it comes to MY life?

Not to mention this expectations you are referring to. What are they and just because they would be hard for you, doesn't mean they would be hard for me. Lol

 

I would look at it in more of an "opportunity cost" scenario. You are essentially putting your relationship life on hold for a year. Yes there will be phone conversations, emails and texts, but there will be no shared experiences. In addition you close yourself off to the chance of starting a new relationship with someone you meet in the next year. Someone who might give you a greater fulfillment than your current BF ever has...and at the same time you give up the chance for shared experiences with this potential new person.

 

I'm not saying that your current BF isn't worth waiting for or he isn't the person your destined to be with, but it is a gamble.

 

It is hard to understand at a young age or while you are in the moment...this is coming from experience...but your early 20's is a very valuable, amazing and (unfortunately) fleeting time in your life. If for some reason things change over the course of the year while you are on a different continent as your BF, you will regret losing this year. Even at just 30, I look back and wish I had some of time in my 20's back. Not because my life now isn't great, but because there is nothing like the freedom and independence of being young with limited responsibilities.

 

I respect what you have with your BF, but you have much more to lose by staying in a relationship than taking some time off. Like I said before, if you still aren't with someone when he gets back or still have the same love in your heart, you can get back together when he returns.

 

The expectations I refer to are simply putting your life on hold for him and him for you. I offer this advice from experience rather than a "I don't think you can do it perspective". It is not about the challenge of whether or not you can handle it, but rather you shouldn't because of what you are giving up. Just think of the worst case scenario...if you spend a year of your life waiting for this guy and it ends as soon as he gets home, are you going to regret wasting a year waiting around for him?

Edited June 19, 2013 by jakelongot

[miss_jaclynrae]

I would look at it in more of an "opportunity cost" scenario. You are essentially putting your relationship life on hold for a year. Yes there will be phone conversations, emails and texts, but there will be no shared experiences. In addition you close yourself off to the chance of starting a new relationship with someone you meet in the next year. Someone who might give you a greater fulfillment than your current BF ever has...and at the same time you give up the chance for shared experiences with this potential new person.

 

I'm not saying that your current BF isn't worth waiting for or he isn't the person your destined to be with, but it is a gamble.

 

It is hard to understand at a young age or while you are in the moment...this is coming from experience...but your early 20's is a very valuable, amazing and (unfortunately) fleeting time in your life. If for some reason things change over the course of the year while you are on a different continent as your BF, you will regret losing this year. Even at just 30, I look back and wish I had some of time in my 20's back. Not because my life now isn't great, but because there is nothing like the freedom and independence of being young with limited responsibilities.

 

I respect what you have with your BF, but you have much more to lose by staying in a relationship than taking some time off. Like I said before, if you still aren't with someone when he gets back or still have the same love in your heart, you can get back together when he returns.

 

The expectations I refer to are simply putting your life on hold for him and him for you. I offer this advice from experience rather than a "I don't think you can do it perspective". It is not about the challenge of whether or not you can handle it, but rather you shouldn't because of what you are giving up. Just think of the worst case scenario...if you spend a year of your life waiting for this guy and it ends as soon as he gets home, are you going to regret wasting a year waiting around for him?

 

 

 

I wasted 3 years being married once before. I still don't regret it.

I think doing an LDR for a year even if it doesn't work is worth it.

Just because you would have ended a relationship doesn't mean everyone should.

 

 

 

 

I have always had the mindset that relationships don't hinder life experiences. It's why I didn't mind being married while young. Whatever I could do outside of a relationship I can still do within. Other than the obvious dating and physical relationships.

 

 

 

 

I spent my time dating like a madwoman, I loved it, but... Well I think my man is the most amazing man in the world. Why would I want to go back to dating and being single?

[Phantom888]

Not having read all the other people's posts, I would still like to chime in. I'm sure there are yays and nays and everything in between.

 

I think it's great that you two are so in love. Definitely worth the wait, as he is considering marriage. One year will go by quickly. At this point, due to the deep commitment, this ordeal may even bring you two closer together! I suspect he is a romantic dude based on what he told you. Romantic guys are sooooooooooo faithful that you're gonna be the only one on his mind every single day. Yes the long distance sucks, but what a great story to tell your grandkids!

[miss_jaclynrae]

Not having read all the other people's posts, I would still like to chime in. I'm sure there are yays and nays and everything in between.

 

I think it's great that you two are so in love. Definitely worth the wait, as he is considering marriage. One year will go by quickly. At this point, due to the deep commitment, this ordeal may even bring you two closer together! I suspect he is a romantic dude based on what he told you. Romantic guys are sooooooooooo faithful that you're gonna be the only one on his mind every single day. Yes the long distance sucks, but what a great story to tell your grandkids!

 

 

 

Haha thank you!! He really is a romantic. He is just as crazy about me which is why I have so much faith in this working.

 

 

 

 

And don't tell anyone, because I could care less when it happens, but how awesome would it be if he proposed when I visit him?! Lol!

 

 

 

 

A girl can dream right?

[StanMusial]

I am wary of how you will cope with an absent bf, based on my experience.

 

However, since you have experience as a military spouse and seem to be normal (by LS female poster standards) there's a better chance of success IMO.

[charlietheginger]

It will probably work reason being the OP has a hard head

Stubborn and will prove the haters in the following

Threads to come by missj

" we skype every week"

" see i told ya so "

" been a yr still together "

"all the haters were wrong"

[Star Gazer]

I am wary of how you will cope with an absent bf, based on my experience.

 

However, since you have experience as a military spouse and seem to be normal (by LS female poster standards) there's a better chance of success IMO.

 

That relationship failed.

[miss_jaclynrae]

That relationship failed.

 

Oh and NOW you come back?

 

Can you read? I have stated so many times now that my marriage ending had NOTHING to do with our time apart.

 

 

 

 

So how is your point valid by any means?

Because if I was to go by your view, I could only assume that every relationship I will be in will fail, since you know, my marriage did.

 

[Divasu]

I just about died. I love that man so much.

This has been the first time he has said something that had to do with us being married and wishing I was going. He always says he wishes I could go, but not quite like this. Totally made my night!

 

Hahaaa, maybe this is his way of putting feelers out, maybe he will ask you in the future! Anything's possible... Though for now, you're both going to be on different paths for a while (him studying in France, you remaining in the States to finish school) but that doesn't mean you're not "together", just not physically for the time being. It doesn't matter what anyone else says or thinks about it, it's your decision and your boyfriend's decision as a couple. Hope it all works out!

[StanMusial]

Oh and NOW you come back?

 

Can you read? I have stated so many times now that my marriage ending had NOTHING to do with our time apart.

 

 

 

 

So how is your point valid by any means?

Because if I was to go by your view, I could only assume that every relationship I will be in will fail, since you know, my marriage did.

 

 

Don't pay attention to the haters. I admit I'm skeptical but I think you know what you're getting into. I also agree with CTG. Again, you seem to have more spirit than most of the gals on here. Stan feeling generous, don't let it go to your head.

[snowflakes88]

Star Gazer, do you have some personal issue with OP that makes you so nasty/negative towards her?

 

I personally hope you guys last, if for no other reason than the fact that some people here are so BLATANTLY rooting for your unhappiness. Really, really pathetic.

[Crochu]

Where will he study in France?

[Steph321]

My bf is planning on taking a month long trip around the world to see places he has always wanted to see. We talked about it for awhile and he wanted to make sure it was ok with me that he did this. Of course I will miss him, of course I wish I could go along and share this journey with him. BUT, I can't. I am working (he is not) and I simply can't afford it. However, I could never ever hold him back from doing something because of my own selfishness. Relationships are about compromise and trust, and this is one of those times. I want him to do this and have a wonderful time because I want him to be happy.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Where will he study in France?

 

 

 

 

 

He was accepted into the Sorbonne .

[runningfar]

 

I am honestly confused what I have said or done that has made a select few of you feel the need to rain on my parade EVERY single time.

 

 

It sounds utterly insane when you read what you post and you read some of the responses. I always assume if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, well... Let's just say, maybe you shouldn't be worried about it. An inflated opinion of one's own superior view of the world and relationships, and a deflated view of relationships in general, shouldn't hurt your happiness.

 

It's nice to read good stuff and not just complaints.

 

Best of luck.

[ImperfectionisBeauty]

Wow, great attitude. So if a person realizes at 28 that they want to get serious about a passion in life and they spend a few years working to make it happen, they are somehow lame for not doing it sooner?

 

Right - it's much better and shows more character for them to go, "Oh heck. I'm already 30 whole years old. Well, I guess there's no point in living now, I'm too old. Let me just order a 40-year calendar and start marking off the weeks until I'm 70."

 

What the holy hell is that about? Sheesh.

 

And as to becoming a college professor - how many 22 year olds with a Master's or 24 year olds with a P.H.D. and nearly No Life Experience are there applying to teach at the University level? Many many that won't be hired because 22 year olds that have only lived their life inside educational institutions don't actually understand much about the world of which they would 'teach'.

That may be true but at 30 just going to school..?? Like I said I'm glad at 23 I have my degree and I can go back at 23 or 23 and not be the old student asking a ton of stupid questions because they don't understand anything. Thank Jesus I am not nor will I ever be that person. I have a friend 21 in law school right now she will graduate at 23 and be a lawyer I would much rather get stuff done while I'm young. However I guess if you spend your 20s drunk going to school in your 30s is the only option.

[miss_jaclynrae]

That may be true but at 30 just going to school..?? Like I said I'm glad at 23 I have my degree and I can go back at 23 or 23 and not be the old student asking a ton of stupid questions because they don't understand anything. Thank Jesus I am not nor will I ever be that person. I have a friend 21 in law school right now she will graduate at 23 and be a lawyer I would much rather get stuff done while I'm young. However I guess if you spend your 20s drunk going to school in your 30s is the only option.

 

Funny, In my classes it tends to be the young ones asking stupid questions. They also tend to not take school as serious.

 

 

 

 

30 is pretty young still. I can't wait until you hit that age.

 

 

 

 

Either way,

[Janesays]

Thanks for the support. I don't see what is so horrible about me sharing nice things.

 

I am seriously at wits end. Its frustrating. Some things I don't like to share with family and with my best friend having a baby I cant just call her late to share something so trivial.

It meant a lot to me, I don't know what I am doing wrong here to get so much flack. Since when did a relationship site mean that it is ONLY to complain about them and now share the beautiful part of them as well?

 

 

I am honestly confused what I have said or done that has made a select few of you feel the need to rain on my parade EVERY single time.

 

 

I could answer this question by simply saying, 'because it's rude to brag.' Pick up any etiquette book and that is one of the very FIRST lessons it will teach you. Right after 'please' and 'thank you,' it will say 'it's rude to brag.'

 

So if I said these boasting threads you start sometimes come across as rudeness, I wouldn't be inaccurate. But I will actually try my best to explain what is going on in more depth and hopefully you can see why you get so much backlash. What you do with that information is up to you.

 

Not many people know this about me, but I was a lurker here years before I actually joined and posted. I started reading right after my ex husband had asked for a divorce. I was crippled by what was happening to me. Mentally, I mean. I felt fear and sadness, but I could articulate anything beyond that. My mind went sort of blank. So TALKING was really out of the question for me. I really just couldn't talk or type or whatever. So instead, I found this forum and I started reading.

 

And as I read, I slowly but surely started making my way from the great yawning emptiness towards the light. I read very thoughtful posts, posts full of insight, posts with lists of 'things that needed to be done,' posts of encouragement....posts that weren't even FOR me, but helped to fill that void anyway. I wish I could even recall specific things or posters, but right now I cannot. But back then it felt like all these invisible hands were reaching out to me and pulling me out of that blackness.

 

Dramatic? Yeah. But when you're going through some severe emotional trauma, everything FEELS dramatic.

 

So I worked my way out of that muck, and I met my current fiancee. Meeting him was like playing a game of 'Double Dare.' I realized I had to wade through a bunch of slime for my prize at the end. We just took a big family vacation to a little island to watch his sister get married. Came home, bought a gigantic wonderful house. We are all set to run off to Hawaii in September and get married ourselves. Trying for a baby. Life is good. Life is WONDERFUL. All that nonsense I went through led me to this and I feel unbelievably lucky and blessed.

 

But do you see me starting thread after thread bragging about it?

 

Why not?

 

You have to understand that this forum is full of 'have nots.' People who are struggling. People who are hurting. People who are in the middle of their own personal abyss and are looking, searching, trying to find a way out of the darkness.

 

Listen, you're a struggling student with, I assume, very little money. Say you had a friend who was very, very, very rich. Say all she did was brag about how much money she had. She started posting pictures of facebook of all the expensive things she bought that day, talked about how much everything had cost her, went on and on and on about her designer clothes and tropical vacations and new cars. Eagerly, she insisted she just want to 'share' her happiness about how filthy sinking rich she was and how she was never working a day again in her life. Lucky her.

 

How would you feel about her?

 

There is no difference between physical richness and emotional richness. It is not nice to brag about either. Especially in a room full of 'have nots.' A have not might just feel like you're rubbing their nose in it or pouring salt into their very valid wounds, right?

 

Listen, I don't want you to take this post as attacking you, because I actually quite like you. You've got spunk. When people on this forum try to bully you or manipulate you, you don't back down. You're confident enough to face it. I think you've got a good heart.

 

But if you're really and truly happy right now, I want you to TRY something for me. Try looking outside of yourself when you're here posting. It is a sign of emotional maturity when one can just sit back, relax, and just BE happy without constantly seeking validation, attention, and acknowledgement for ones own happiness.

 

Try to remember me, back before I actually joined this forum years ago. Just sitting here, reading, with tears running down my face. Try to remember that there are others RIGHT NOW, this very second, doing the same. People in very dark, emotionally vulnerable places. People who are hurting. People who are reaching out. People in need.

 

Do you have anything thoughtful you can say? Anything helpful? Any insight? Anything at all? Even if all it is is "I've been there and it gets better?"

 

Why not reach out to them? I mean, you're happy, right? You've reached your endgame? So instead of directing all your energy towards yourself, why not reach out into this great big digital darkness and grab one of those clutching hands and bring them towards you and the light?

 

Give it a try. That's why I finally joined this board and I can't say I'm perfect or that I've never said anything unkind or inadvertently made something worse, but I'd like to try to give back to a community that helped me when things looked so bleak and hopeless.

 

Life is not just about you and me. Sometimes it's about what we can do for others.