My boyfriend said something really sweet.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I've said this before, but being faithful should NEVER be measured by opportunity (or lack of).

 

It doesn't matter if he's going to stay a year at the Playboy mansion. If he's faithful, he'll stay faithful.

 

As nice as this sounds I don't believe it's true. My mum and dad have been together for 30 years. I overhead my brother ask my dad: what's your advice on how to avoid cheating? My dad said: son, avoid tempetation. I totally agree with that.

[Star Gazer]

It is a little difficult to swallow your failed first marriage as any sort of evidence of your relationship mastery....

 

But it's ok not to be a master at relationships. None of us are.

 

Agreed.

 

In all fairness. I have said it time and time again. After the afghanistan deployment he got out of the military. PTSD reared its ugly head and he realized he DIDN'T want to be married and then turned to drinking, aduse, and cheating in the last few months we were together.

 

If anyone has been with someone in the military who suffered from PTSD... I can say that I was fully invested in the relationship. It was heartbreaking actually.

 

It just goes to show though that you never really know what can happen. All you can ever do is hope for the best and hold up your end. You can't control the other person, you just have to trust that they are doing the same.

 

My last LTR was with someone who was in the Pech River Valley and returned with severe PTSD. So, I know how it goes.

 

But I also agree with xxoo that your feigned expertise is hard to swallow. You really don't have any. That relationship failed - for reasons out of your control - and the one before you is still, admittedly, in it's infancy. And like you said, you really don't know what will happen. So please, stop boasting.

[xxoo]

But you're not a master at LDR. No one is. Why so much confidence? It has a "thou doth protest too much" quality that may be provoking the negative responses.

 

I've been married over 20 years, and I'd be apprehensive about a year separation. Not because we don't love each other, or because we aren't committed, but because a separation like that is tough in the best of circumstances.

 

eta...part of wisdom is knowing how little you know. Your relationship is young, and promising, but yet to be truly tested. When your marriage was tested, it failed. Surviving the tests...that's when relationships truly gain respect.

Edited June 18, 2013 by xxoo

[miss_jaclynrae]

But you're not a master at LDR. No one is. Why so much confidence? It has a "thou doth protest too much" quality that may be provoking the negative responses.

 

I've been married over 20 years, and I'd be apprehensive about a year separation. Not because we don't love each other, or because we aren't committed, but because a separation like that is tough in the best of circumstances.

 

eta...part of wisdom is knowing how little you know. Your relationship is young, and promising, but yet to be truly tested. When your marriage was tested, it failed. Surviving the tests...that's when relationships truly gain respect.

 

That wasn't supposed to be taken seriously. I said it in a joking manner, obviously not conveyed well.

 

 

I handle LDRs well, I truly do. If anyone had seen my marriage when he was active duty it was hard but we navigated it well. When I say I am a pro, I mean that I put my all into making it. I stay positive, set goals, do as much as I can to make it seem like they aren't even gone.

 

It didn't fail until AFTER he was already out. We made it throght the LDRs easily. Letters, care packages, lots of activities to keep my mind busy. I honestly am not worried at all about the LDR.

 

 

As someone who watched girlfriend after girlfriend disappear and marriages crumble through each one, I am not blind to what CAN happen. I just know I can handle it, and I trust that he can too.

I will hold up my end, all I can do is hope he holds up his.

[xxoo]

Remember, there are two people in this relationship, and both might not be equally content in a LDR.

 

I understand that the LDR didn't test your marriage, but it could test this relationship. The truth is you don't know yet. It is good that you are hopeful, and preparing for the best. You should! But also realize that there are still a lot of unknowns about how this relationship will progress.

[Star Gazer]

That wasn't supposed to be taken seriously. I said it in a joking manner, obviously not conveyed well.

 

 

I handle LDRs well, I truly do. If anyone had seen my marriage when he was active duty it was hard but we navigated it well. When I say I am a pro, I mean that I put my all into making it. I stay positive, set goals, do as much as I can to make it seem like they aren't even gone.

 

It didn't fail until AFTER he was already out. We made it throght the LDRs easily. Letters, care packages, lots of activities to keep my mind busy. I honestly am not worried at all about the LDR.

 

 

As someone who watched girlfriend after girlfriend disappear and marriages crumble through each one, I am not blind to what CAN happen. I just know I can handle it, and I trust that he can too.

I will hold up my end, all I can do is hope he holds up his.

 

Having been in your shoes and surrounded by Army wives and girlfriends while I was, unless you're a woman prone to cheating and needing lots of attention, I can't say that it's really difficult being in a LTR with someone who's deployed insofar as the relationship surviving is concerned. You worry about their safety, sure, but the whole other host of questions/concerns in place during most other LTRs is pretty much is non-existent. For example, when he's fighting a war, you're not worried about cheating. But when he's on a tour bus in Paris with young female college students... ??

 

You're really, truly, comparing apples to hand grenades.

[amaysngrace]

I think you have as good a shot as anybody especially since you are living together and have already been married.

 

You obviously know what it takes to make a relationship work.

 

You sound grounded and healthy in your thinking. I'm sure you will be fine.

[KungFuJoe]

As nice as this sounds I don't believe it's true. My mum and dad have been together for 30 years. I overhead my brother ask my dad: what's your advice on how to avoid cheating? My dad said: son, avoid tempetation. I totally agree with that.

 

As nice as it sounds, it's very true. There isn't a woman or situation in the world that would make me cheat on my wife. Are you kidding? Anyone else would be a major downgrade.

[xxoo]

As nice as it sounds, it's very true. There isn't a woman or situation in the world that would make me cheat on my wife. Are you kidding? Anyone else would be a major downgrade.

 

I believe you.

 

I also believe that love needs to be nurtured to stay that strong, and it's difficult to do that when you are thousands of miles apart. It isn't impossible, but it does take a toll on a lot of relationships.

[amaysngrace]

I believe you.

 

I also believe that love needs to be nurtured to stay that strong, and it's difficult to do that when you are thousands of miles apart. It isn't impossible, but it does take a toll on a lot of relationships.

 

With all due respect, people can feel a thousand miles apart while living under the same roof.

[KungFuJoe]

I believe you.

 

I also believe that love needs to be nurtured to stay that strong, and it's difficult to do that when you are thousands of miles apart. It isn't impossible, but it does take a toll on a lot of relationships.

 

Of course. I'm not saying that this LDR won't be a challenge. It's going to be a HUGE challenge and a HUGE test...for both people involved. I'm just saying that it's not a forgone conclusion that it's going to ruin the relationship.

 

I believe that if two people REALLY are meant to be together, it will happen. Sounds corny, I know...but as much as I rave about how awesome my relationship with my wife, believe me when I say that we made it against so many freakin odds, it's not even funny. We are together only by the slimmest of slimmest of chances. So many things had to go JUST RIGHT for us to be where we are today. If she was ANYONE else (and if I was anyone else) we would have gone our separate ways just like that. Compared to what we went through, a LDR would have been a merry walk in the park.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Remember, there are two people in this relationship, and both might not be equally content in a LDR.

 

I understand that the LDR didn't test your marriage, but it could test this relationship. The truth is you don't know yet. It is good that you are hopeful, and preparing for the best. You should! But also realize that there are still a lot of unknowns about how this relationship will progress.

 

 

I agree completely, I have never once said that this isn't going to be a test. I just know that I have immense faith in us and him and myself. There are unknowns in ANY relationship.

 

Having been in your shoes and surrounded by Army wives and girlfriends while I was, unless you're a woman prone to cheating and needing lots of attention, I can't say that it's really difficult being in a LTR with someone who's deployed insofar as the relationship surviving is concerned. You worry about their safety, sure, but the whole other host of questions/concerns in place during most other LTRs is pretty much is non-existent. For example, when he's fighting a war, you're not worried about cheating. But when he's on a tour bus in Paris with young female college students... ??

 

You're really, truly, comparing apples to hand grenades.

 

I beg to differ.

One deployment Afghanistan, yeah, that one was the scary one. The first one though? The one where we had only been together for two weeks before he left? He went to Japan, Hawaii, Korea, and the Philippines. I can't tell you how many men cheated on that trip.

 

I don't mean to say you have no idea what you are talking about, but with what you said you must not truly understand how military deployments work. There are MANY MANY MANY worries. It is almost the exact same thing as any other LDR, only that it is forced and they have no say in the matter.

 

I believe you.

 

I also believe that love needs to be nurtured to stay that strong, and it's difficult to do that when you are thousands of miles apart. It isn't impossible, but it does take a toll on a lot of relationships.

 

That is the thing, people keep talking to me like I don't know this. I can't really convey anymore than I already have how I KNOW what it takes to make it through an LDR, the only unknown is if HE can make it. I won't dwell on what I don't have control over.

[Star Gazer]

I don't mean to say you have no idea what you are talking about, but with what you said you must not truly understand how military deployments work.

 

Haha... WOW. I assure you, I do. All too well, not only with Soldier Boy, but with multiple family members.

 

But there you go again, proclaiming to be the expert.

[miss_jaclynrae]

Haha... WOW. I assure you, I do. All too well, not only with Soldier Boy, but with multiple family members.

 

But there you go again, proclaiming to be the expert.

 

I have multiple family members too. You are the one stating they are completely different things. I just corrected you.

You said that there isn't much worry about cheating due to the situation.

 

 

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but when you say things that aren't true I will correct you.

[xxoo]

When you say you aren't concerned about the LDR, it sounds like you are assuming he'll handle it as well as you. I really hope he does, but it simply remains to be seen if this will be a great love story (I hope so), or just a very passionate relationship on the path to something else (far more common).

[Star Gazer]

I have multiple family members too. You are the one stating they are completely different things. I just corrected you.

You said that there isn't much worry about cheating due to the situation.

 

I'm not claiming to be an expert, but when you say things that aren't true I will correct you.

 

I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

 

You talked about your relationship insofar as his deployment to AFG was concerned. So, I explained why there's far less threat of cheating when your man is AFG than when he's in PARIS, and that comparing the "relationship worries" of a LDR where your man is in the military and deployed in a war zone is a far cry from your man taking a leisurely college tour through Paris with young cute Parisians who aren't in jeopardy of being prosecuted under Article 1.

 

BUT, since you don't have THAT experience, of a man touring Europe for a year without you, not being shot at, you don't know any better. But you soon will! Good luck!

[KungFuJoe]

So what if he's going to Paris vs wherever else? Again, many of you are missing the point. REAL trust is not trying to keep your partner from temptation. REAL trust is feeling secure in the FACE of temptation.

 

Look...if you have to worry about where your partner is going to be...you have trust and/or insecurity issues.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I didn't say anything that wasn't true.

 

You talked about your relationship insofar as his deployment to AFG was concerned. So, I explained why there's far less threat of cheating when your man is AFG than when he's in PARIS, and that comparing the "relationship worries" of a LDR where your man is in the military and deployed in a war zone is a far cry from your man taking a leisurely college tour through Paris with young cute Parisians who aren't in jeopardy of being prosecuted under Article 1.

 

BUT, since you don't have THAT experience, of a man touring Europe for a year without you, not being shot at, you don't know any better. But you soon will! Good luck!

 

Did you not read what I said?

His first deployment wasn't a combat deployment. He was out partying in various countries. That is why I am correcting you, not all deployments are to combat zones. Some deployments involved banana shows and massage parlors. So how is that SOOOOOO much different from this LDR? As a matter of fact that one was probably worse, considering the fact that many women yearn for military men.

 

For someone who likes to peg me as trying to come off as a professional you seem to be doing the same.

[xxoo]

So what if he's going to Paris vs wherever else? Again, many of you are missing the point. REAL trust is not trying to keep your partner from temptation. REAL trust is feeling secure in the FACE of temptation.

 

Look...if you have to worry about where your partner is going to be...you have trust and/or insecurity issues.

 

For me, the point is that real love and trust is best judged after the honeymoon period has ended. I'm not saying they don't have it, just that I understand why others don't necessarily accept that the definitely do in such a young relationship.

[FitChick]

I wouldn't worry about French women tempting him. Most of the French hate Americans. I'd worry more about him immersing himself in French culture, of which drinking on a regular basis is a big part. Even children are given wine at home.

 

I also wonder, as did Ninja, if there would be a job for him when he comes back to the US. If he were studying Mandarin in China, no worries, but French? He might wind up back at Walmart, a drunk and bitter man massively in debt.

 

Why not meet on the East Coast and stay at an airbnb.com type of place? He might make friends from the UK and you could both meet in London or something and stay with the friend or friend's family. You will have to be creative.

 

There are always airfare deals. Google ways to spot them. Sometimes if you join different airlines' frequent flyer clubs, they will email with flight specials.

[Star Gazer]

Did you not read what I said?

 

No, did *you* read what *I* said? You talked about Afg, and I responded *to that* and that alone.

 

That is why I am correcting you, not all deployments are to combat zones.

 

I'm fully aware of that.

 

Some deployments involved banana shows and massage parlors. So how is that SOOOOOO much different from this LDR?

 

It's really not. So, there you have it. Your last LDR won't be much different from this one. How can you be so sure this one will work out, whereas that one didn't, when the circumstances are the same?

 

For someone who likes to peg me as trying to come off as a professional you seem to be doing the same.

 

To the contrary, I'm trying to show you that none of us can predict the future, including you.

 

It would do you a world of good (not to mention rub a lot less people the wrong way), if you'd acknowledge that. If you'd express hope, not certainty, you'd get a LOT more support here... assuming that's what you're here for, support, and not to boast. I never really can tell. Honestly.

[miss_jaclynrae]

I wouldn't worry about French women tempting him. Most of the French hate Americans. I'd worry more about him immersing himself in French culture, of which drinking on a regular basis is a big part. Even children are given wine at home.

 

I also wonder, as did Ninja, if there would be a job for him when he comes back to the US. If he were studying Mandarin in China, no worries, but French? He might wind up back at Walmart, a drunk and bitter man massively in debt.

 

Why not meet on the East Coast and stay at an airbnb.com type of place? He might make friends from the UK and you could both meet in London or something and stay with the friend or friend's family. You will have to be creative.

 

There are always airfare deals. Google ways to spot them. Sometimes if you join different airlines' frequent flyer clubs, they will email with flight specials.

 

 

Yeah definitely. His sobriety is our biggest worry. Even he is scared of not having his support system.

Thankfully we have already found an AA group near where he will be staying and that will be a HUGE part of his stay there. Allow him to meet with fellow sober people and could be used as another way to network and build connections.

 

Walmart will be here when he gets back, but obviously that isn't what he wants. We have a plan already for when he gets back. Granted things can change, but he has a pretty good nest egg already for when he gets home so we can get a place closer to the university and his parents are willing to cosign if needed. It will give him a few months to figure a job out, but either way, we will still both be college students so its going back to the same life, only hopefully he will be able to get a new or better job. It isn't a huge worry though since he will have Walmart if all else fails.

 

If you are referring to later on, I can't attest to that. Who knows. As my parents say, the degree is only the first part. If you are a hard worker, smart, and diligent, then it is solely on you to be successful. A degree doesn't buy you success. Thankfully we are both all of those, so only time will tell.

 

 

Your ideas are great but one thing we still will have to keep in mind is money, school, and work. Trust me, if there is any way to make it happen I have no doubt that we would or will.

[miss_jaclynrae]

No, did *you* read what *I* said? You talked about Afg, and I responded *to that* and that alone.

 

 

 

I'm fully aware of that.

 

 

 

It's really not. So, there you have it. Your last LDR won't be much different from this one. How can you be so sure this one will work out, whereas that one didn't, when the circumstances are the same?

 

 

 

To the contrary, I'm trying to show you that none of us can predict the future, including you.

 

It would do you a world of good (not to mention rub a lot less people the wrong way), if you'd acknowledge that. If you'd express hope, not certainty, you'd get a LOT more support here... assuming that's what you're here for, support, and not to boast. I never really can tell. Honestly.

 

 

Do you want me to quote all the times I have said that "time will only tell." How difficult is it to read that I 100% know that nothing is guaranteed. I actually have stated it MANY times.

[Els]

But you're not a master at LDR. No one is. Why so much confidence? It has a "thou doth protest too much" quality that may be provoking the negative responses.

....

eta...part of wisdom is knowing how little you know. Your relationship is young, and promising, but yet to be truly tested. When your marriage was tested, it failed. Surviving the tests...that's when relationships truly gain respect.

 

Pretty much this, yeah.

 

That being said, I don't understand the few people who are insisting that they should marry rightaway and have the OP leave her studies to be with him, or have him call off his studies to be with her. Sounds like they're just looking for drama. Hopefully. Because either one of these is a horrible, horrible idea.

 

Good luck in your LDR, OP. As I have said, I think it's definitely doable. When or if you decide to ask for advice or support, we'll be there for you over at the LDR forums.

[Star Gazer]

That being said, I don't understand the few people who are insisting that they should marry rightaway and have the OP leave her studies to be with him, or have him call off his studies to be with her. Sounds like they're just looking for drama. Hopefully.

 

Haven't read all the responses, but if that's been suggested... uh, yeah: NO! Definitely don't do that!