charlietheginger Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Why do you have to be married for a yr to tagalong On his studies? was that his way of saying " dont fook anyone while I'm outta the country " 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Why do you have to be married for a yr to tagalong On his studies? was that his way of saying " dont fook anyone while I'm outta the country " I don't know whats so hard to understand. He is going on a study abroad program, I wouldn't be able to go with him to the host country unless we were married or I did it on my own, which is educationally and financially detrimental. 2
Lansing Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I am fairly new on these forums but it seems like forums in general are for people who post about their "issues" and "problems" (even look at the description of this forum "Things not working out the way your had hoped") and that is why people are maybe wondering about why you are posting this here. You have clarified that by saying you don't really have friends to share it with/etc so I would say you have no reason to "defend" your relationship. I think people are posting here now to just give you a heads up that things will likely be difficult. I know myself from a LD relationship (she was French, so, I get the connection there). I hope everything works out for you.
mammasita Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Well, if nothing else, I'm happy for you OP. I'm not a fan of LDRs and I was in a relationship with a man who had to go TDY for a year (temporary duty for military). It didn't end well - but I believe 100% that's based on him being an attention whore-ish NPD. I do agree with the ACTION speaks louder than words, but understandably you can only do what you can within your (and his) means. All I can say is that this will test your relationship more than you could ever imagine. This can work......but it takes two honest, committed, dedicated, STRONG people to make it happen.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Well, if nothing else, I'm happy for you OP. I'm not a fan of LDRs and I was in a relationship with a man who had to go TDY for a year (temporary duty for military). It didn't end well - but I believe 100% that's based on him being an attention whore-ish NPD. I do agree with the ACTION speaks louder than words, but understandably you can only do what you can within your (and his) means. All I can say is that this will test your relationship more than you could ever imagine. This can work......but it takes two honest, committed, dedicated, STRONG people to make it happen. The other thing too, which is why I was on board with it, is because my exhusband was military. Several deployments and separation was actually helpful. Helped me focus on my own goals. It sucked, but we did it easily. I also am a very very LOYAL significant other, things like this SUCK, but the end result is ALWAYS worth it.
charlietheginger Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I don't know whats so hard to understand. He is going on a study abroad program, I wouldn't be able to go with him to the host country unless we were married or I did it on my own, which is educationally and financially detrimental. So get married.... He is a alcoholic Works at walmart Leaving for france ????? Well atleast when is done mooching off you in 5 6 yrs He will have a phd... Will he stick around after he becomed A professor or will he meet another professor ? 2
clia Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I think he is 100% doing the right thing by going, and you are 100% doing the right thing by encouraging him to go. Just because people here don't agree with you or are providing their own experiences with respect to long distance relationships or sweet words not backed up by action doesn't mean they are trying to rain on your parade. Isn't the entire point of this site to give advice? What he said was sweet, but words mean nothing. Just don't lose sight of yourself while he's off pursuing his dreams. You are making a huge sacrifice for him. I hope he realizes that. He is going off on the adventure of a lifetime and you are sitting by the sidelines at home for an entire year without a boyfriend physically present. And worse, you can't even date anyone else. I hope he is worth it. A lot can change in a year. I hope it all works out for you. For everyone nagging on him for not visiting ONCE, remember, I am in California, he is going to be in France. You think that is a cheap trip? I can only make the trip once, and why would I want him to come here? **** that, I want to go to France! Besides, its not like he is ballin either, he is a student, just like me, we are on a VERY limited budget. You're damn right I'm going to nag on him for not visiting you once. If he had put away $20 a week since the two of you met, that would damn near pay for a plane ticket home. Obviously you want to go to France, but since you can't make that happen until next summer, he should step up and come to see you once in the meantime. He's not a kid -- he's a man in his early 30s who should be able to find a way to see the woman he loves one freaking time over the course of a year. So yeah, I'm going to nag. I think it's lame. I would be going in the middle of our separation, but guess what? We both are students, and our winter break times don't align. You think I like the idea of going a year without seeing the man I love anymore than you guys all do? **** no. He should come see you on his winter break. I don't see why your winter breaks have to align for you to see each other. He is choosing not to do that; can't you see that? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and I seriously can't imagine agreeing to remain in an exclusive, committed relationship with a guy who would agree to go an entire year without seeing me or making any effort to see me. He should be able to make one trip home. Just my opinion. 4
charlietheginger Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Btw to become a professor studying abroad is not Required....
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 I think he is 100% doing the right thing by going, and you are 100% doing the right thing by encouraging him to go. Just because people here don't agree with you or are providing their own experiences with respect to long distance relationships or sweet words not backed up by action doesn't mean they are trying to rain on your parade. Isn't the entire point of this site to give advice? What he said was sweet, but words mean nothing. Just don't lose sight of yourself while he's off pursuing his dreams. You are making a huge sacrifice for him. I hope he realizes that. He is going off on the adventure of a lifetime and you are sitting by the sidelines at home for an entire year without a boyfriend physically present. And worse, you can't even date anyone else. I hope he is worth it. A lot can change in a year. I hope it all works out for you. You're damn right I'm going to nag on him for not visiting you once. If he had put away $20 a week since the two of you met, that would damn near pay for a plane ticket home. Obviously you want to go to France, but since you can't make that happen until next summer, he should step up and come to see you once in the meantime. He's not a kid -- he's a man in his early 30s who should be able to find a way to see the woman he loves one freaking time over the course of a year. So yeah, I'm going to nag. I think it's lame. He should come see you on his winter break. I don't see why your winter breaks have to align for you to see each other. He is choosing not to do that; can't you see that? I'm trying to put myself in your shoes, and I seriously can't imagine agreeing to remain in an exclusive, committed relationship with a guy who would agree to go an entire year without seeing me or making any effort to see me. He should be able to make one trip home. Just my opinion. I understand what you are saying, but it just wouldn't be smart for him or I. Trust me, if money was no issue then I would be all for it. The thing is, it is a huge issue, this year is costing him 30,000. That is all loans and personal money. It is lame, and trust me when I say that I wish it was possible, but if him not coming home means we have money for an apartment or money to put towards his loan then I am all for it. In the long run it is smart for us not to plan a trip either way. I can only afford the flight once, so when I go I want it to be when I can stay for a good amount of time. He can only afford the flight once too, and that is spent on getting their. He is a grown man, but also, he is still just a student. We are doing the best we can with what we have. I don't hold it against him in the slightest. 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 So get married.... He is a alcoholic Works at walmart Leaving for france ????? Well atleast when is done mooching off you in 5 6 yrs He will have a phd... Will he stick around after he becomed A professor or will he meet another professor ? Mooching off ME? What are you talking about? I am a student too. We mooch of other people together. I kid I kid, we are a team. I don't know what is so hard to believe about two adults working and going to school while maintaining a relationship. Btw to become a professor studying abroad is not Required.... No. It isn't, but the environment will give him the opportunity to perfect his french to a level that he could really only achieve if spending time in country.
charlietheginger Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Mooching off ME? What are you talking about? I am a student too. We mooch of other people together. I kid I kid, we are a team. I don't know what is so hard to believe about two adults working and going to school while maintaining a relationship. No. It isn't, but the environment will give him the opportunity to perfect his french to a level that he could really only achieve if spending time in country. You mean like when madonna lived in england she Came back to the usa with a british accent ? Hate to burst your bubble most college professors That teach french are from france... If he wants to learn how to speak french simple hire A french tutor that comes from france.... This whole travel abroad is a excuse to travel europe On student loans....
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 You mean like when madonna lived in england she Came back to the usa with a british accent ? Hate to burst your bubble most college professors That teach french are from france... If he wants to learn how to speak french simple hire A french tutor that comes from france.... This whole travel abroad is a excuse to travel europe On student loans.... Your logic is undeniable. 4
Drseussgrrl Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 You mean like when madonna lived in england she Came back to the usa with a british accent ? Hate to burst your bubble most college professors That teach french are from france... If he wants to learn how to speak french simple hire A french tutor that comes from france.... This whole travel abroad is a excuse to travel europe On student loans.... Sorry I kind of agree with this too. He's 30 years old. He could use that $30,000 to put down on a house. It's not like he's a 20-year-old college kid.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Sorry I kind of agree with this too. He's 30 years old. He could use that $30,000 to put down on a house. It's not like he's a 20-year-old college kid. Does a higher education mean nothing to people. I am SICK of his age being brought up. I don't know how much more I can say to convey the fact that while he may be 30, he is at the same stage in his life as I am. Considering this man is the man I want to build my life with. I am fully supportive of him taking this trip to increase his educational capabilities and career opportunities. I can have a house later. I don't need a house now, I would much rather him study abroad. It is a great opportunity for him. I can't describe it anymore than the fact that this IS the right choice. I stand behind his decision 100 percent. 1
GI_Joy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I like that you aren't easily swayed by the opinion of others on this board, jaclyn. You're right, you shouldn't have to explain yourself for feeling good about what your significant other told you. Not every compliment is the fruit of a sweet-talker. On the flipside, not every sweet statement is a reliable indicator of the future. But when it comes to uncertainty especially with relationships, I'd rather bask in the glory and good feelings than seethe in skepticism. It's better for my heart and soul And even then, lessons are learned when these things don't work out for us. It's up to us not to be jaded by someone who let us down. Studying abroad is what you make of it. I know a lot of people who've studied abroad and can attest to the life-changing experiences they've had. However, I would find that studying abroad is a waste of money to myself. To each their own. 1
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 I like that you aren't easily swayed by the opinion of others on this board, jaclyn. You're right, you shouldn't have to explain yourself for feeling good about what your significant other told you. Not every compliment is the fruit of a sweet-talker. On the flipside, not every sweet statement is a reliable indicator of the future. But when it comes to uncertainty especially with relationships, I'd rather bask in the glory and good feelings than seethe in skepticism. It's better for my heart and soul And even then, lessons are learned when these things don't work out for us. It's up to us not to be jaded by someone who let us down. Studying abroad is what you make of it. I know a lot of people who've studied abroad and can attest to the life-changing experiences they've had. However, I would find that studying abroad is a waste of money to myself. To each their own. Thank you. It wasn't an easy decision. To this day he still sometimes wonders why he's doing it. It is a LOT of money, but this isn't some 18 year old fresh out of HS going to party in France. His huge goal is to network and really commit himself to his studies. We just hope like with every other college education the debt is worth it in the long run!
ImperfectionisBeauty Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Thank you. It wasn't an easy decision. To this day he still sometimes wonders why he's doing it. It is a LOT of money, but this isn't some 18 year old fresh out of HS going to party in France. His huge goal is to network and really commit himself to his studies. We just hope like with every other college education the debt is worth it in the long run! Ok I never really did the student loan thing for undergrad, even though I will be for grad school, but at 30 taking out a ton of loans on top of your loans is it worth it? Doesn't he have to do grad school too? That's expensive. Just seems pointless... Not pointless but I feel like at 30 you should be much further in life than that.
sweetjasmine Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I don't know whats so hard to understand. He is going on a study abroad program, I wouldn't be able to go with him to the host country unless we were married or I did it on my own, which is educationally and financially detrimental. Yeah, exactly. I'm surprised by some of the reactions you're getting and by people suggesting he doesn't care because he's not taking you with him, or visiting, etc. Studying abroad in and of itself is extremely expensive, unless you have grants from your home institution funding your trip, and a ticket from CA to France in off-peak season is probably around $2,000-$3,000. When you've already had to cover two tickets (one for him, one for your visit), an extra $2,000-3,000 really is an additional burden. And, yes, if he wants to pursue this field, he absolutely needs to study abroad in a country where the language is spoken. Take it from someone who used to be in a language and linguistics department, with a focus on a specific region of the world -- there is not a single graduate student focusing on language/literature studies that hasn't spent a considerable amount of time immersed in the culture they're studying. You will never be fluent in your primary language unless you spend time in a country where it's spoken, and I doubt any PhD programs will take your application seriously if you've never left the country. I know multiple people who have done this. One was on a one year Fulbright while his fiancee was in her first year of medical school, and they only got to see each other once when she had a break and was able to visit. They couldn't afford more than one visit and managed to survive it without the sky falling. An LDR is certainly not easy, though, so I wish you the best of luck, jaclyn. I hope it works out for you. 7
sweetjasmine Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Ok I never really did the student loan thing for undergrad, even though I will be for grad school, but at 30 taking out a ton of loans on top of your loans is it worth it? Doesn't he have to do grad school too? That's expensive. Just seems pointless... Not pointless but I feel like at 30 you should be much further in life than that. PhD programs in the humanities are generally fully funded. When I was in, tuition and major fees were covered, and I received a living stipend. Any professor or adviser who knows his a-- from a hole in the ground will tell you that if you have to pay a single penny for your program, you should not be going at all.
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Ok I never really did the student loan thing for undergrad, even though I will be for grad school, but at 30 taking out a ton of loans on top of your loans is it worth it? Doesn't he have to do grad school too? That's expensive. Just seems pointless... Not pointless but I feel like at 30 you should be much further in life than that. He isn't an undergrad anymore, so this will be his first time taking loans, up until now he has paid for all schooling himself. [he works at walmart, but as a manager he still made too much for student aid] Of course he SHOULD be much further, but he isn't. WE think it will definitely be worth it. We both aspire to be certain things in this world career wise, and in order to reach our goals this is all part of the plan. He plans on continuing to possibly a PhD as well, so YEP! Lots of schooling and lots of money will go into schooling for us, but the outcome will so be worth it. SO it is definitely NOT pointless.
sweetjasmine Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Either way at 30 you should be somewhat established in a career not still in school unless you going to medical school "Should"? There is no should. People's lives take different paths. My H is just starting out in his career, and he's in his early 30s. He served in the military before going to college and spent time in a full-time job before returning to school for his Masters. I went straight through from undergrad to grad school, left my PhD program for the workforce, and am now back in school in a health profession. When I hit 30, I'll still be in school. What difference does it make? Or should everyone who's in school in their late 20s quit on the day they turn 30? 7
GI_Joy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I've known plenty of respectable people, women and men, who have gotten their undergrad degrees at ages deemed "late" by modern society. For example, a good friend of mine didn't finish his undergrad degree til he was 31, and that's because he had been active duty army for 10 years prior to returning to college. I have more respect for the person who chooses to complete a degree at a later age than one who chooses to close the door on it solely because of age. And let's not forget successful people who don't even have a college degree. 3
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Yeah, exactly. I'm surprised by some of the reactions you're getting and by people suggesting he doesn't care because he's not taking you with him, or visiting, etc. Studying abroad in and of itself is extremely expensive, unless you have grants from your home institution funding your trip, and a ticket from CA to France in off-peak season is probably around $2,000-$3,000. When you've already had to cover two tickets (one for him, one for your visit), an extra $2,000-3,000 really is an additional burden. And, yes, if he wants to pursue this field, he absolutely needs to study abroad in a country where the language is spoken. Take it from someone who used to be in a language and linguistics department, with a focus on a specific region of the world -- there is not a single graduate student focusing on language/literature studies that hasn't spent a considerable amount of time immersed in the culture they're studying. You will never be fluent in your primary language unless you spend time in a country where it's spoken, and I doubt any PhD programs will take your application seriously if you've never left the country. I know multiple people who have done this. One was on a one year Fulbright while his fiancee was in her first year of medical school, and they only got to see each other once when she had a break and was able to visit. They couldn't afford more than one visit and managed to survive it without the sky falling. An LDR is certainly not easy, though, so I wish you the best of luck, jaclyn. I hope it works out for you. Thank you so much for this. It is hard for people to understand WHY him studying abroad is so important. This is exactly why though. PhD programs in the humanities are generally fully funded. When I was in, tuition and major fees were covered, and I received a living stipend. Any professor or adviser who knows his a-- from a hole in the ground will tell you that if you have to pay a single penny for your program, you should not be going at all. Funny, we were just talking about this. We are still a ways away, but we were literally just talking about this with my parents.
MrCastle Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I don't think anyone who is 30 and still in school thinks "Oh just what I wanted!!!" But life doesn't always work out as planned. This is interesting coming from you as I remember your stance on other things, like what age you feel is appropriate to be living alone and whatnot. I think (hopefully) by you dating this guy, it has opened your mind (more than it already was as I believe you are open minded in many respects) and made you realize, life is not, or at least shouldn't be, bound by numbers. We're all at different stages of life depending on a variety of factors. People think you should be done by school by x age Lose your virginity by x age Move out by x age Have a career by x age Life doesn't work like that. We are all different. I will not take part in beating your boyfriend up as, I give him props for battling his demons and making a real effort to change his life around. Whether that be at 30 or 40, or 80, it makes no difference. As long as people recognize their flaws and make an effort to change the ones they can, that's all that matters. As far as the trip is concerned, and your relationship overall; I wish you the best and hope it works out because you truly do seem into this guy, and he you. I think some members are just trying to provide the experience they've had in similar situations to get you to kind of see the whole spectrum here. The magnitude of the situation, if you will. What you are involved in is a big deal. No way around it. This will either end your relationship or strengthen it in ways you wouldn't have imagined. Either way it is a milestone in your journey and one I hope that does the most for you in terms of bettering your life and making you happy--whatever that outcome may be. 8
Author miss_jaclynrae Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) I will not take part in beating your boyfriend up as, I give him props for battling his demons and making a real effort to change his life around. Whether that be at 30 or 40, or 80, it makes no difference. As long as people recognize their flaws and make an effort to change the ones they can, that's all that matters. As far as the trip is concerned, and your relationship overall; I wish you the best and hope it works out because you truly do seem into this guy, and he you. I think some members are just trying to provide the experience they've had in similar situations to get you to kind of see the whole spectrum here. The magnitude of the situation, if you will. What you are involved in is a big deal. No way around it. This will either end your relationship or strengthen it in ways you wouldn't have imagined. Either way it is a milestone in your journey and one I hope that does the most for you in terms of bettering your life and making you happy--whatever that outcome may be. Thanks castle. I still wouldn't date anyone that lived at home though. Edited June 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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