ForwardFromHere Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 My apologies for this rambling introduction. I struggled with where to put this posting, so I won't feel put upon if a moderator moves it somewhere else. I guess you're coming in to the middle of the story. 6 weeks ago I moved out of the house I lived in for 12 years, and away from the marriage I've been in for 16. A month ago I signed a lease on a new place, and it tore me apart. I'm still trying to piece together how 20 years of time passing got me here. Pushing 40, newly alone physically, even though I've been emotionally alone for a while. I'm certainly no hero. I did things to derail our relationship. One would be justified to say that I'm now living in a mess I created. I can try to justify my actions, but I know any justification won't take away her pain. I also know that there is no way for me to be right here. I've spent years living for her. Now I have no one watching over me, and more importantly no one to watch over. I filled my life with doing things for her. Keeping her safe. Trying to keep her stable. Trying to fulfill her dreams. Now I have time to do the things I used to do. If only I wanted to. I'm trying to do new things. Meet new people. But a smile doesn't come easily these days, and I've never been very good at making friends anyhow. I didn't want to leave. But I left, still doing things for her. She said the was happy that I did. I went to therapy, and we went to counseling. I was tearing down my walls as she was putting up hers. I was doing what I could to move back towards her, she was running away. Her motivation for counseling seemed to be to work towards separating. She has been working with a therapist for a couple of years now to get there, apparently. Maybe we've just always been out of sync. Now I feel my walls building back up to protect myself and keep moving forward. I struggle with the correct amount of Catholic self flagellation. I want to be ok, but I'm not if I allow myself to admit it. Maybe I'm looking back with rose colored glasses. Things weren't perfect before. It was difficult living with a person with chronic medical issues and severe anxiety. I thought about leaving. But I chose to stay. Until I left. Struggling with where to go Forward From Here.
worldgonewrong Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Did you both just stop investing in the marriage?
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