vegaslady Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) My bf wanted me so badly. So, I finally caved and we've been together 6 months. But the fact is although we've had some fun here and there and it's nice having one person in the world I can turn to (I lead an isolated life through no real fault of my own), he never goes out of his way for me and to me, that is how you know someone loves you. I will stay at his place a lot, but he avoids having to drive to see me. He is respectful in how he speaks with me and encourages me with my dreams and so on but sometimes I will talk to him and he simply does not reply. I find that rude. If I am exiting a train or similar and it's awkward, he won't offer a hand. If I go to the hot tub in his complex, he will let me go alone. If we go out and it's too hot for him, he will not be in a happy mood. I suggest all the activities and they are usually free but I have to nudge him to go. He never asks questions about me and does not even remember details ab out my family etc. He calls me every day, several times, has said he loves me and wants to marry me but admits he is emotionally unavailable. He is not a mean person and seems to have good intentions and always admits fault and that he needs to work on his issues which is rare for men especially. I just never am first in his life. He doesn't ditch me for the boys or any of that bull****. But he will text several times making sure I turn the air up when I leave his place BUT NEVER worries if I made it home safe....not once. Today, he slept over and left in the morning and left me sleeping with my door UNLOCKED! He forgot to lock my door and I live in the ghetto! Seriously! But he carries a gun and always worries about his own safety and has a full military type set of weapons etc. One time he didn't want to make his home cooler for me when it was 100 degrees but in winter he makes sure the temperature is perfect for his cat. We went out last night on a very rare Saturday night as out schedules rarely permit it and he gets into a negative rant about not drinking and driving and starts rattling off statistics and he has done this before too. It's like he sabotages outings. If I didn't suggest dates and such, we would stay on his couch. He is 39, broke as well and in between jobs. I am 36, great shape and looks, educated, fun, kind hearted, ambitious and generous. I am going places. I am with him as Vegas is painful alone and when you are not a deviant, alcoholic, druggie, hooker or the like. I have good family values and most people here don't. I have noone here and my relatives I had are dead, like my mother and such. I have joined some groups and am endeavoring to "get out there" and meet folks but it's really tough. I dread the thought of dating again but do you see a future and a family with this person? Can he be relied on in a crisis? Do children change people? Can I live the rest of my life never feeling special again when I KNOW I am? He is not abusive just cold at times. He barely kisses me and cannot open up to me on an intimate level. This he is aware of, like I said..... I want to be more important than his car, guns and cat! I don't feel he is trying to hurt me but is so out of touch with feelings. He said he didn't even start to figure out who he was til a year ago or so...Unless he is smiling, I can see in his eyes he is lost. He grew up poor with an abusive stepdad and didn't know his own dad. He was estranged from his mother but I helped him make amends and forgive her for being mean when He was a kid. Now He is going to see her next month, I was invited. He has identity problems I feel. He served time in the air force in the 90's and has anxiety issues.... What to do? Edited June 17, 2013 by vegaslady
shexy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 . I dread the thought of dating again but do you see a future and a family with this person? Can he be relied on in a crisis? Do children change people? Can I live the rest of my life never feeling special again when I KNOW I am? He is not abusive just cold at times. He barely kisses me and cannot open up to me on an intimate level. This he is aware of, like I said..... I want to be more important than his car, guns and cat! I don't feel he is trying to hurt me but is so out of touch with feelings. He said he didn't even start to figure out who he was til a year ago or so...Unless he is smiling, I can see in his eyes he is lost. He already told you he's not emotionally available, and it sounds like he was totally honest about that. If the things he's doing are bothering you, have you tried talking to him about it? Does he KNOW these things are upsetting you? Children DO NOT change people, please don't consider having a child or marrying someone you're this unsure about.
Author vegaslady Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Thanks for replying. I would never have a child if not sure. I am 36 and still with no children. (sadly) I have told him, oh BOY and then some. He replies he feels he cannot do anything right and that "he is missing something somewhere". He is open to all my feedback but just keeps getting it wrong. It all comes down to considering your partners needs, but when you are so self focused, it's hard to do. How could you not lock a door to keep your girl safe but make sure the heat is on for the cat????? I want to add that I am with him mainly as I care for him and when he is sad, he seems so sweet and vulnerable, like a little boy and it is touching. He even has let me teach him to swim even though he is scared of the water. That really made me care for him and he is very loyal. Edited June 17, 2013 by vegaslady
shexy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Honestly, if you have talked to him about it, he's fully aware of the issues you're having, but he's not doing anything differently, he won't change. I learned the hard way that it's 100% true - you can't change people. They have to WANT to change themselves. Based on his crappy childhood, he may just not really have any idea what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. He probably has tons of resentments toward both his parents, and if he's never had any therapy or tried to work through it, he's really never going to be able to let it go and move forward. I think it's really up to you to decide if his behavior is something you can live with for the rest of your life.
Author vegaslady Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Very well put. He will try for a little bit but then another incident will set him back again. He will journal and leave notes around to better himself but having worked so hard on personal development myself, I know it's an ongoing process requiring full commitment. I shall advise him of therapy and inform him I need time away then see what happens. I don't want to word it like an ultimatum but I kind of have to use a similar tactic. I myself know the power of talk therapy, it's helped me so much. I have told him it's helpful to reach out to friends and family and talk things out. We will see.
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