lop98 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Thought it wouldn't hit me (I've felt fantastic really and am now dating a great guy I do have feelings for)... but it's here. Last night I cried for the first time this month and today I just feel at a loss... I miss him, I'm so close to unblock him... but that would be like self-harm, it would ruin everything (how much I've healed, my current relationship). I've tried keeping my computer away, not cheating through the phone, but I just see his name in the search bar and want to add him back (he never removed me as a contact, which upsets me greatly because it makes it easier to add him back). I hate feeling like this, I hadn't felt any of this at all for weeks and it's suddenly come back... all my methods have worked but now I'm out of resources... I don't know what else to implement, or how to deal with these relapses. Is feeling like this normal? can this stage be considered some final 'aftershock' before things get better for good? will it go away or is it basically just starting all over? The stress of finals and not seeing the guy I'm dating for days (we had an awkward conversation last night where he mentioned how much he wants to start a family, which gave me a big deja vu) have definitely contributed to my 'crisis' but I'm just disappointed it's all back... and scared of going back to those two minutes where I blind myself, draft something and press "send". I cannot let myself down like that. This is just like a drug addiction ..
Praying4Peace Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 How did it end? Who broke up with who? By saying he didn't delete you from your FB contacts, you mean he didn't block you...correct? Around 2-3 months NC is when it hit me that its over and I may never see or talk to him again. Like it all was slipping away. 1
Author lop98 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) No, not FB!, we were never there. He broke up. It's very blurry what happened though, brief summary: I had tried to break up or at least take a break several times, he either ignored or downplayed most attempts, I was really suffering the relationship (distance and such) and one day I wasn't at my nicest he tried to make me jealous and mentioned how his ex still had feelings for him, I was cool with it, he was still with me anyways but he then proceeded to give me quick 'stop bothering me' answers the rest of the afternoon. The next day he uploaded a picture of a dinner with his ex (in a network he thought I wasn't in) and I went NC immediately, didn't want any explanations, I just knew that was it (I never even told him what I had seen). I felt terrible a day later and called him, he wasn't doing very well either, he was nice but cold, then ignored me for a week (which is what I identify as the breakup), only to surface back and treat me like crap, I went NC again, then he begged for days claiming he was in pain (he quit his job, etc). We tried to stay LC afterwards but a couple weeks later, he got formal with a girl he had met the week before (formal= she referred to him as her bf). I got into a relationship a couple months later. We've been NC since then. In many ways, it all felt like a series of mistakes due to miscommunication and insecurities due to distance... we were friends for years, we were in love... it just feels so wrong, like it wasn't finished... I know I can't wait for closure, I don't want to, but it's just such ghost in my head what happened... and one of the reasons I tried to break up is because I didn't want this: losing him as a friend. He's been there for me since my late teens, I never wanted him out, it makes me so sad. Edited June 17, 2013 by lop98
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