Guide to breaking up with someone

[SimonSerenade]

It seems to me a lot of people on here are suffering in silence desperate for some kind of closure, closure as we know is vital in any healthy break up and it seems people could seriously do with a lesson on how to break up with someone in the right way and spare them of so many months of pain.

 

Here's a bit of a background on me, I've been in 3 long term serious relationships so far in my life, all of them being meaningful and lasting years, I've always been the one who's on the receiving end of things, meaning I'm the one who's always been dumped, I've been dumped in 3 different ways, face to face, over the phone and recently by a text message.

 

I'm geussing by now you've realised only one of these ways is acceptable, yeah that's right, it's temping to be a coward and hide behind technology and you may think this is the easiest most harmless pain free way to do it, in reality your actually dropping an emotional atom bomb mindlessly on their head.

 

So here are some steps I jotted down to try and guide the dumper in the right direction and hopefully to gain some respect in the eyes of the dumpee, nobody wants to be the bad guy am I right?.

 

Step 1. Make sure it's what you really want:

I say this because nobody wants to be broken up with more than once, things get said in the heat of the moment, if you feel it coming to the surface bite your tongue and resist using it as a weapon, nothing makes a paranoid partner more so than hearing you say or threaten with those two words "it's over"

 

Talk it out with someone, this can't be a friend or a family member, it has to be someone with a neutral point of view like a therapist or even a priest, it needs to be someone who has no say in this decision, key word, it's your decision and nobody else's, friends and family will only cloud your judgement right now.

 

Make sure the poor sorry soul who is being dumped upon is the first person you talk to, simply open up about how your feeling and what's troubling you and see if there's any way this person would be open to making an effort towards your troubles.

 

Now most importantly, think about it, think about it some more and make sure this decision is really what you want, don't make decisions out of anger or upset feelings, make them out of what makes sense to you (this is essential for when your ready to comfront the dumpee).

 

Step 2. The deed:

Now your going to do the hard part, you need a good mindset for this and you have to be absolutely open with your emotions, your dealing a really heavy blow to this person, absolutely have empathy for this person, d-day is upon them and nothing will be the same for them after this so it's vital you understand and have sympathy for them through this.

 

Remember your doing this to their face, no other way will spare them for how their going to feel afterwards, why is a face to face break up so important?, when you break up with someone they will take comfort in your actions and emotions in that moment, maybe even cherish and respect those actions one day.

 

This is the restricting part, explain your reasons in a calm and composed manor and say it straight and simple "I'm sorry but it's just not working out", this is the part their going to beg and plead with you, there going to be in tears, their going to be angry, hear them out, be there for them, comfort them, make sure they know every little thing they meant to you and make sure you leave no loose ends, after their in a somewhat stable condition emotionally, simply say goodbye and maybe throw them a i'll miss you or something sweet to go out on.

 

Step 3:. The aftermath:

This is the hardest part, you gave it an ending and now the consequences of your actions are coming out to play, they'll call you, they'll email you, they'll text you, if you have Facebook they'll be on your page every 5 minutes, set it to private, don't rub your life without them in their face.

 

The kindest way to handle all of this is to let them play all this out, let them empty their heart until they've ran dry, don't ignore them, right now they need to know they haven't been abandoned by you, after all you were once the world to them, simply never stop saying sorry in a kind way and if your not feeling it let them know your sorry but you can't go back, yes they are going to ask and beg and plead for you even now after the break up, reassure them that it isn't their fault, it's just not what you feel right now in your life.

 

Hopefully you'll refrain the temptation to react to their hurt feelings in a negative way and guide them through a healthy break up, yes they will miss you but at the very least that's the only problem they will have thanks to the time you took to spare them of the rest.

 

Obviously this guide doesn't apply to maniacs and psychopaths, if your dating one of these people run like hell bitch! and change your name and address.

 

If you handle your break up in the right way there's every chance your dumpee will appreciate you for it one day and theirs every chance to salvage a friendship should they want that.

 

If you didn't do it in the right way your a bum head! Nah just kidding but if you have regrets, remember there is always time for redemption, it all starts with "I'm sorry", they may or may not appreciate it but at least it will ease your burdened soul.

Edited June 16, 2013 by SimonSerenade
Spelling mistakes, stupid iPod touch!

[inaya42]

^^^ excellent points! and can i add that the breakup moment should not be the first time that the dumpee is hearing of the dumper's unhappiness with the relationship...

[Ordinaryday]

totally disagree! I would prefer to be dumped by text, I HATE, ABSOLUTELY HATE, being dumped face to face and I have always despised dumpers MORE who dumped me face to face.

[Pisces13]

totally disagree! I would prefer to be dumped by text, I HATE, ABSOLUTELY HATE, being dumped face to face and I have always despised dumpers MORE who dumped me face to face.

 

What is wrong with you?

[HopelessRomantick]

May I ask advice on breaking a 10 month long distance relationship where physical face to face is not financially reasonable due to travel cost.

 

Is it acceptable to do the breakup over skype via webcam? Or wait until we are together physically in a few months from now?

Edited June 17, 2013 by HopelessRomantick

[SimonSerenade]

^^^ excellent points! and can i add that the breakup moment should not be the first time that the dumpee is hearing of the dumper's unhappiness with the relationship...

 

Which is why I said before they decide to end it, have the chance to talk out the problems and see if there's any way the issues can be resolved, that way they can express the unhappiness and see if anything can change.

[SimonSerenade]

May I ask advice on breaking a 10 month long distance relationship where physical face to face is not financially reasonable due to travel cost.

 

Is it acceptable to do the breakup over skype via webcam? Or wait until we are together physically in a few months from now?

 

When I wrote this, I hadn't even considered long distance relationships, I had one once but we both lived in the uk so she was more or less a 5-6 hours drive away and it wasn't too expensive to go and see her, she ended it in person when I went down for a weekend, I respected her for it but under the circumstances, I think I would of been okay ending it over Skype or MySpace (that's how we used to communicate to the most, good times lol), so long as it was meaningful and nothing was left out I think I would of been okay, most importantly, in this situation, don't ignore your partner if you did end it in that way, be respectful and honest and answer all their questions, let them get it out of their system, obviously don't let your life revolve around catering to their needs but don't make them feel like you've abandoned them either, right now more than anything they need to know you care, hope that helps.

[HopelessRomantick]

Yes thanks SimonSerenade.

[SimonSerenade]

No problem keep us updated on your situation.

[Psaphyre]

Hi,

 

I am a new user to this, I finally decided to throw my story in the mix (not sure how the process goes here so sorry!)

 

I'm 36 and went out for 2 years with a 24 year old girl and about 3 months ago she told me she was going to move to the states for school and whatnot and that her mom and her have always planned that ever since she was little. So, I knew our relationship was coming to an end because when you turn into friends and only friends, you know it's gone bad. I found out she had sent this new guy at her work a picture of herself posing and smiling in her bathroom (clothed) and when I confronted her and asked her how it's possible to dump me and a month after you're sending pics out already she said "I am just trying to make new friends" Well, this guy works at the same place so I am sure they can hang out whenever, why send a picture? Anyways, I find out they went out and the whole time I was being sincere and nice and understanding, she kept lying and lying and lying. This got to a point where for a month after we broke up we were arguing and I was trying to warn her of her "friends" that constantly talked about her behind her back and how th new guy, which I know, is not right and she should be careful and all I got was insults thrown at me and she said *I* was lying and blah blah. When I confronted her about the picture she denied it and got all angry EVEN though I SAW the picture(s). My thing is, how can someone be with someone else for 2 years, dump them and after a month they're already sending a picture out and going out and being all happy and stuff? Don't they feel any regret? sadness? I was SO nice and understanding and patient and all I got was yelled at and insulted and lied to. I am sure they were talking before she even broke up with me. Do people like this, that are SO cared for ever regret what they did and how much they lied? Is karma real? I have been going through hell for 2 months and never knew a person could cry so much. I'm on celexa and I lost my job and even ended up in a mental health facility because of how depressed I am and wanted to kill myself. How can people do that to others without thinking of how they will feel? How the hell is she happy and so able to move on so quick? Her mom called the cops on me because she said I was harassing her when she would start the convos, and when I replied, she'd ignore me. She never cared for how I was doing or how I felt. She'd only contact me to find out who said what and how I found out about the picture, things I never told her because my friend told me if I did, I would look like a bad guy in the end. All I did was care and in return I got lied to, cheated on I bet (She had to be talking to him before she broke up with me) and made to look like a bad guy. Do they ever regret what they did to someone when that someone CARED SO MUCH for them? does karma get them back? do they ever come back to at least say sorry? I know if someone cared so much for me that they ended up in a mental health facility because of how sad they got after I broke up with them, I'd definitely keep them in my life because THAT is caring. Anyways, thanks for listening and these blogs help so much and that's why I registered.

[SimonSerenade]

Aw man that actually made me cry, when I wrote all this down I wanted dumpers to read it and try and end things in the right way, recently I got dumped and it's hard to feel like the person who dumped you is already over you, it's just unreal because everything you knew and loved has just been torn asunder, I talked to a friend today who just recently got out of a 2 year relationship and she said she was fine about it, it hurt to think my ex might feel like that, this is why it's so important to break up and leave nothing left unsaid, its just so cruel because you've gone through all of that and she should at the very least have asked if you were okay and had a talk with you to give you some comfort and ease your heart, I was there recently, my life had turned to crap and I just wanted out.

 

Just know it's not your fault and it's not a reflection on you, I know that's hard but it's all you can to ease the burden right now.

 

You can't think of what she might or might not have done, it'll drive you insane, my ex before my recent one didn't talk to me afterwards so anything I'd heard about her i just had to live with, an old mutual friend we had told me she cheated and that's why she left me and she had been seeing the guy she cheated with, I have since found out he was full of bs so now I don't know the truth anymore but you don't need to know the truth.

 

You need to find a way to accept this and move on the best you can.

[Psaphyre]

2 years with someone, you break up and then a month after you're already sending pictures out KNOWING what your ex is going through and how much they're hurting? How can a person live with themselves like that? How can you lie and lie? How can you not give a **** if your ex is in the hospital? I have never hated anyone before because I feel hate is such a strong word but I hate her, and what's even more messed up is that I love her at the same time. I just want her to fess up so I can move on because I am losing weight fast (30 pounds in a month), can't afford counseling and can't afford any more meds. Anyone who has tried to kill themselves and ended up in a mental health facility over losing someone knows how bad it hurts. I feel ugly as hell now too because just after a month she's already sending a picture out. And even though people tell me I'm good looking, I just don't feel like it. I want karma to kick in and I want her to regret losing me even as a FRIEND because not many people these days care so much as to ending up in a mental health facility over losing someone.

[Psaphyre]

She will never find a guy who will care for her like I did, that's for sure. And yesterday was Father's Day and that messed me up more because she had an abortion when I was with her. She has completely destroyed the very fabric of my soul.

[Psaphyre]

And trust me when I say this, sometimes meds or counseling don't help, it's that closure you need that will ultimately put you at ease. I'm done, sorry for all the rants and such.

[Psaphyre]

Thanks for taking the time to respond and starting a thread on that topic is VERY important and a very good thing. I appreciate your feedback. Thanks again.

[Crushedjustcrushed]

I started OLD about a year ago. I've met a bunch of women that way. This was my first "real" foray into the dating scene. I'll post my whole story some other time, but I'm 44 and have had one serious relationship in my life, 15 years ago. Lasted 3 years then kablooey. Since then, i've been out of the game.

 

Anyway, started OLD a year ago, and started talking on the phone nightly to this one girl. The first girl who texted me back. After about a solid week (our schedules didn't mesh well - I work days, she worked midnights) of talking on the phone, i started to get some weird vibes from her. She was a nice girl, but I could tell, she was just a bit off from what I was looking for. So, one night, I just said on the phone, "hey, I don't know how to say this without it being weird or whatever, so I'll just do it. You are a nice girl, but I just don't see us going anywhere, so I think we should just kind of end this."

 

She cried. Literally cried. Had never met me, and cried. My theory on telling her was this. I didn't want to be the guy who "just stopped calling or texting." I wanted to be upfront. My previous relationship ended when my gf cheated on me, and left me for another guy. It went on for a couple months. I got suspicious, but had some other stuff going on in my life, so I didn't really focus on it, until one night it just kind of blew up. I had to basically DRAG the information out of her and make her admit we were over. Worst night of my life. She should have just told me.

 

Anyway, when I got back into the scene last year, I decided I would be totally upfront with people and just be honest, when it came to breaking up. I may hurt their feelings, but at least I won't decieve them or make them think I think they are dumb or something. So, I told that girl over the phone.

 

Moved on, dated a couple other girls, basically jsut "first dates," and then didn't have a second. I didn't call or anything, but just decided, that we hadn't put enough effort into the relationship (basically a few texts, maybe a phone call, and then meet for dinner or something) to warrant a "BU" communication.

 

Then dated another girl about 5 or 6 times. She was really nice. I liked her. Mentally, philosophically, we were a great match. But, no physical attraction on my end. And she had some issues with her exhusband and child custody stuff. We talked on the phone for like an hour a night, and then met several times over teh course of a month. But, eventually, I said, "this isn't working. I just don't see us going anywhere, so I think we should just end this and move on." She didn't cry, but she was shocked. But again, I was honest.

 

My theory on breaking up is this. Just be honest. Come right out and say it's not working and let's all move on. Now, that doesn't mean go out and scope out your next conquest, get that lined up and THEN BU, but if you truly aren't happy, or know for sure this isn't going to work, just let the other party know and move on. And just be honest. It might hurt them, but they'll at least give you credit for being honest. The damage done from deceit and lying is way worse than a few hurt feelings, imo.