being strung along

[Hoaks]

Hey guys,

 

I feel I need to have the conversation with my girl that will make her angry and run away.

She is impossible to talk to, I love her so much but I am not feeling it in return.

Actions speak louder than words yeah?

 

She is back to spending most of her time with her friends. She does nothing for me

And I would and do do anything for her. She only really calls when she needs something.

Everyone can see it but me, until now . It hurts really bad to realise when she says or texts that she loves me that she does not really mean it.

 

So, im going to sit het down and ask for more, a effort on her side or she will lose me. And I already know what will happen because she wont agree. She is expecting this talk and a breakuo to follow.

 

I just felt like writing this down, I wonder if im going to hurt as much as yhe first time. Second chances rarely work

[aloneinaz]

Hey guys,

 

I feel I need to have the conversation with my girl that will make her angry and run away.

She is impossible to talk to, I love her so much but I am not feeling it in return.

Actions speak louder than words yeah?

 

She is back to spending most of her time with her friends. She does nothing for me

And I would and do do anything for her. She only really calls when she needs something.

Everyone can see it but me, until now . It hurts really bad to realise when she says or texts that she loves me that she does not really mean it.

 

So, im going to sit het down and ask for more, a effort on her side or she will lose me. And I already know what will happen because she wont agree. She is expecting this talk and a breakuo to follow.

 

I just felt like writing this down, I wonder if im going to hurt as much as yhe first time. Second chances rarely work

 

People really don't change. How long have you been going out? If I was you, you should tell her you want to break up because she's not giving you what you need in the relationship. If she agrees, then it's the right call. If she doesn't agree, maybe she'll pull her head out.

[TaraMaiden]

I'll be brutally honest with you:

 

Given that you finally see her behaviour, understand what she's doing and realise that her behaviour is completely and utterly self-serving and selfish -

 

at best she will try to assure you she loves you in order to keep you as the doormat she needs for her ego, and fully expect you to stick around -

 

and at worst, she will mock, deride you and call you ridiculous and accuse you of imagining things. And fully expect you to stick around.

 

I would in all sincerity, go total No Contact, and when she notices you're missing, she will try to get in touch with you - at which point you can tell her you have finally grown a spine and you no longer need her around to validate you as a human being, let alone to treat as a doormat.

[Hoaks]

Thankyou for the replies

I think I will chose the nc path. See how I mean to her that.

Im very impatient so I will have to be strong through this

period.

We have been togethet for a year, broke up for a month 4

months ago. Unresolved issues still because I nerver grew

a spine with het.

[Hoaks]

Just a update on my situation, I just like writing this down, I need to talk to someone so you guys help me alot.

 

After days of her cancelling on me, and not even speaking on the phonr. I finaly got through ti her aftet asking why is she doing this, its so cruel. She said the reason is she is sick of working around seeing me and like 20 of her friends, sorry im so busy...

I said so your breaking up with me? And she said I love you, I cant break up with you.

 

She has my othet phone, so in supposed to be going to hers at lunch time to talk. But im going there to end this and get my phone back. Thats if shed even there. Probably going to ditch me again. Just so sick of it, if you lovr someone you dont do this. I would nevet do this to her. Its the hardest thing I am ever going to do in my life, I love her so much, but she is toxic .

Tomorrow is our 1 year of being together too. I just need my phone back and to move on from her. Ouch. . Together forever huh? Lying cow, chooses her friends over me.

Off to the coping section again tomorrow I guess.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling guys.

[TaraMaiden]

After days of her cancelling on me, and not even speaking on the phonr. I finaly got through ti her aftet asking why is she doing this, its so cruel. She said the reason is she is sick of working around seeing me and like 20 of her friends, sorry im so busy...

I said so your breaking up with me? And she said I love you, I cant break up with you.

 

Oh... wait....

Isn't this basically what I told you she would say??

 

I'll be brutally honest with you:

 

Given that you finally see her behaviour, understand what she's doing and realise that her behaviour is completely and utterly self-serving and selfish -

 

at best she will try to assure you she loves you in order to keep you as the doormat she needs for her ego, and fully expect you to stick around -

 

Yup.

 

That was pretty much what I predicted she would say....

 

She has my othet phone, so in supposed to be going to hers at lunch time to talk. But im going there to end this and get my phone back. Thats if shed even there. Probably going to ditch me again. Just so sick of it, if you lovr someone you dont do this. I would nevet do this to her. Its the hardest thing I am ever going to do in my life, I love her so much, but she is toxic .

Tomorrow is our 1 year of being together too. I just need my phone back and to move on from her. Ouch. . Together forever huh? Lying cow, chooses her friends over me.

Off to the coping section again tomorrow I guess.

 

Fine.

do what you have to do, but I can tell you're finally angry, mad enough and you've wised up enough - to see this for what it has become.

 

Then (and I repeat):

 

I would in all sincerity, go total No Contact, and when she notices you're missing, she will try to get in touch with you - at which point you can tell her you have finally grown a spine and you no longer need her around to validate you as a human being, let alone to treat as a doormat.

[Hoaks]

Thankyou Tara,

You know this type of girl too well. Well I was right, I went to her house and she wasnt there. There was a note on the door saying "the phone is dead, meet me at mcdonalds at 10:30 pm and we can talk". Whats there to talk about? She should have left the phone there and that would have been it.

 

She works afternoon shift so gets off work at 10pm. So I knew she wouldnt be there but I drove past just to check anyway. Oh but at 6pm her dad text me "is she with you" I said no she said she was going to work. He works at the same place. So she lied about that too.

 

So yeah all she had to do was leave the phone for me, I already have her stuff in a bag in my car for ages because I knew this was coming. So she does want to keep me around. Im going to act like I dont give a crap when she calls and act happy to meet up with her whenever. Grab the phone off her and run forest run!!!

 

I still feel like absolute crap right now though im not the only one though. Im so glad this site is here.

[TaraMaiden]

No: Don't 'act happy'.

 

Dont 'act' anything.

 

Approach her, with her stuff in your hand.

 

Dump it down.

Look her in the eye and say "phone?" and hold your hand out.

 

If she begins talking - interrupt, slightly louder....still keeping eyes locked -

 

"PHONE??"

 

When she gives it to you, say nothing, just turn around, and walk away.

Do not turn back, respond, reply, react or stop, no matter what she might call after you.

 

And then:

 

Go No Contact.

[Hoaks]

I have woken up today in real pain. I cant believe anotheadr human is capable of this. I really cant. I guess here comes the rollercoaster of emotions. Now I think she just wants the phone long enough to get paid so she can get a new one. Should I cut off the phone, I can call up and have the sim disconnected. Or should I leave it on so I can get that message about picking it up?

 

I was halfway through sending a massive blow up text just then, but deleted it and thought I would post here instead. I need to keep some self respect. My self esteem is rock bottom, worse than the first time. The first time didnt drag on like this.

 

Well happy anniversery baby, I guess we did make it to 1 year after all. Well played.

 

Im sorry this probably the wrong section now, but can I keep posting about this here until I get my phone and its offucial.

Thankyou so much Tara for talking to me, I dont have many people to talk to about it, my family are wrecked over it too. They cant stand seeing me like this again and it upsets them so much when I talk about it with them

[sweetheart5381]

I have woken up today in real pain. I cant believe anotheadr human is capable of this. I really cant. I guess here comes the rollercoaster of emotions. Now I think she just wants the phone long enough to get paid so she can get a new one. Should I cut off the phone, I can call up and have the sim disconnected. Or should I leave it on so I can get that message about picking it up?

 

I was halfway through sending a massive blow up text just then, but deleted it and thought I would post here instead. I need to keep some self respect. My self esteem is rock bottom, worse than the first time. The first time didnt drag on like this.

 

Well happy anniversery baby, I guess we did make it to 1 year after all. Well played.

 

Im sorry this probably the wrong section now, but can I keep posting about this here until I get my phone and its offucial.

Thankyou so much Tara for talking to me, I dont have many people to talk to about it, my family are wrecked over it too. They cant stand seeing me like this again and it upsets them so much when I talk about it with them

 

Tara gave you some good, solid advice as usual.

 

Imo, I understand you want the phone, but isn't worth the trouble. I'd cancel the service, let the *beepin, beep* keep it as a souvenir and get your heart back with NC. There is nothing more valuable in the world than your self-respect... NC works wonders in that department.

 

I've been listening to Tara's advice for along time here, and it is ALWAYS spot on.

 

All the best.

[Enna]

Yeah, sod the phone. Just go NC. If she tries to use it as a form of control and says 'What about the phone?' you can say 'A gift - Happy Anniversary! Now leave me alone.'

[aloneinaz]

another vote to cancel the service and IGNORE her going forward. Don't bite on any of her breadcrumbs either. IGNORE HER.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Yeah, I'd cancel the phone service. Even if she never gives the phone back to you, at least you won't have to pay for it, anymore.

 

If she really loved you, she would have made time. Yes, it's normal for her to want to hang out with friends, but to completely neglect you until she needed something?

 

She was using you, in my opinion. I don't know if she has been all along, but as soon as this started with her-the neglect, the only bothering to talk to you when she wanted something-well, you're better off without her, hon.

 

Stay strong, and I'd follow Tara's advice; no contact is the best way to go.

[TaraMaiden]

Thank you everyone.

 

I will join the chorus of "cancel the service".

 

If the phone itself, as an item, is not important to you, then yes: Just save yourself a massive amount of angst, pain and distress by simply calling the server, and telling them to cancel the phone immediately, because you lost it or something.

 

Then Go - STAY - No Contact - and keep in touch with us.

 

Friends are not always seen or tangible, but here we are for you.

Keep posting and venting.

Best thing you could do.

 

But remember: The only person who can lift the leg and put one foot in front of the other - is you.

[Hoaks]

Thanks all,

Well a update today, we are done now. She text me and said shes so so sorry, she loves me and a couple of her friends are in hospital and that I need to get of her back for atleast a week. I sat there and thought about, thought are you serious, im your bf and you cant find 30 minutes in a week to have a talk. So I ended it through text. Cant talk so how else was I going to. I said your playing me, stringing me along, I dont need it, im done. I also asked where would I be able to pick my phone up from. She said your breaking up with me by text you dog. And your not getting nothing from me.

 

So, nasty breakup. But she wouldnt allow me to talk to her and I am sick of wondering when I would see her again. I felt I had no choice. And yeah, I feel sick to the stomach over it. But she showed no sign of wanting to work on anything at all, so this is what she wanted anyway.

 

I cant work out though, why cant I hate this girl? I should be angry and feeling hate for being strung along for a month. I just cant hate her. I need to be very strong, because at the moment, if she was to come to me in a week or 2 and said everything I wanted to hear I would jump back in. I wish I could replace this feeling with hate.

[UVict]

I have been in a similar position as you, strung along for about 3 months after breaking up.

 

You do need to be strong, so you don't fall back into old habits with her if/when she comes back to you. It is a possibility and you need to prepare yourself for it incase, or else it will catch you off guard and you will probably ended back up with her. I know I did the first time. It also is easier to slip back into it if you don't hate her. But you need to keep reminding yourself why you don't want to be with her, anything even if it is small.

 

For me, after I was strung along for 3 months because she played the suicide card I found out she was just using me to keep herself from being alone until she went overseas to meet her new boyfriend. This screwed me up WAY more than actually breaking up with her, which is very minor.

My counselor said there is a good chance she will call me sometime when she gets back form overseas as she will either be lonely or continuing depression issues, and I need to think ahead so I don't end up sliding back into old habits with her, which was so easy last time.

 

Now I am rock solid I will never even talk to her, even if she is suicidal because I hated how I was lied to and strung along for so long, and how that messed me up way more than breaking up with her. I could never talk to her, after being lied to etc, I have no respect and can never forgive those 3 months.

You need to do something like this. Justify how bad you felt while being strung along, and know its not going back to, no matter how comfortable it may seem. You won't be treated right.

[Hoaks]

Guys, last night at 2am I got this text from her

 

"there's times in some peoples lives where they need to just relax from eachother and I feel like I should have told u at the start ,not just ignore u... but I panic of ur anxiety... dunno but u got to stop asking so many questions, wait till I want to talk to you coz all your doing is maki.g it hard for me to even want to speak to u... I love you"

 

Do I reply to this? Wait for her to call and finaly talk? Is she just ttrying to make me better? I ask too many question?!? Wow all I wanted to know is what she is feeling instead of strining me along. I never hassled her about her nights out. Never wanted any details.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm not really sure what I'd do, in your situation. She should have told you she just needed space (everyone needs space from other people, now and then; what was so damn hard about her saying that, to begin with? She could have saved you both a lot of hassle).

 

If you feel you want to give her one more chance to set things right, that's up to you. Frankly though, if things just end up going in the same direction? I'd say no more excuses from her, cut the phone service and contact.

 

She needs to get her act together if she wants things to be good between you; otherwise, it's up to you to decide how long you put up with her crap, or if you move on.

[TaraMaiden]

Guys, last night at 2am I got this text from her

 

"there's times in some peoples lives where they need to just relax from eachother and I feel like I should have told u at the start ,not just ignore u... but I panic of ur anxiety... dunno but u got to stop asking so many questions, wait till I want to talk to you coz all your doing is maki.g it hard for me to even want to speak to u... I love you"

 

Do I reply to this? Wait for her to call and finaly talk?

 

The bottom line is that she's calling the shots, and telling you when she is and isn't going to talk to you, and that is basically when she feels like it.

She's controlling the situation to her advantage and telling you basically:

 

"This is what I want to do, and this is how i want to play it, and this is the way I want you to behave, and anything else will not do. You WILL play this to my rules."

 

Is she just ttrying to make me better?

I doubt it. How iss any of the above supposed to make you feel better?

Apart from the final little "I love you" she threw in there, just to warm your heart, melt your will-power and make you conform to her wishes, that is....

 

I ask too many question?!? Wow all I wanted to know is what she is feeling instead of strining me along. I never hassled her about her nights out. Never wanted any details.

no, but any amount of questioning is awkward and uncomfortable, when you don't like being put on the spot by the one person who's supposed to be doing what you want.

She doesn't like being questioned by you. She feels restricted and hemmed in.

She'd prefer to be the one calling the shots.

You asking ANY question, means you're not bending to her will as much as she'd like.

 

To answer your question?/

No.

 

you do NOT respond, you don't talk to her (I bet you already have, you've caved and responded....?I hope not, dear god, I really do....)

 

You cancel the phone she has, and you fall off her radar.

Change your number (Yes, you can. Loads of people have done it) delete every trace of her and go AWOL.

[Hoaks]

I have not replied. Im sick of being her doormat, but if shes willing to meet after a week or so and listen to what I want, then I think I will. And if is not willing to give me what I need I will say goodluck to you and walk away. Thats all I have wanted the whole last week is one talk.

After that even if she agrees to work on things, I will tell the next time you say you will call and you dont, I wilk take that as a break up and walk.

 

I have already cut her service, that text was from her dads phone. I rarely reply to her texts on that phone anyway.

 

Tara, I know I should be following your advice, I just want to give her one week to sort her **** out. No call after that, then I will be changing my number because I will never want to hear from her again.

[TaraMaiden]

You really ARE prolonging your own agony here....

You need to let her do the running.

Don't break NC, please, hun, you'll just keep setting yourself further back and stirring the schytt-pot of pain. You'll keep the anger, resentment and hurt, simmering....

 

She has already ably demonstrated that she hasn't got any consideration for you whatsoever.

Everything has to be done for her, by her...It's not about you, or how it affects you.

She wants a devoted puppy who will always walk to heel and do everything precisely the way she wants, when she wants, how she wants, why she wants - no questions or objections.

 

Why are you so determined to go through this 'just one more time'...?

What's the point??

She has demonstrably shown you she will NOT change, nor make allowances for you.

 

Please - Leave it be, from now on!!

Do whatever you need to do to block all and every attempt at contact on her part - and Go on No Contact - and stay there - for good!!

[UVict]

^Agreed.

 

I don't see the point in trying to keep sorting things out, or getting them off your chest.

I tried this numerous times with my ex. I asked a million questions trying to get closure, or her to admit what she did was wrong - talking to a brick wall or made things worse.

After a few times my ex told me, she didn't want to talk to me anymore because it was depressing to keep talking about the break up etc.

 

Looking back trying to talk about it didn't do much, just dragged it out for far too long, and I was probably better off not finding answers etc. The sooner you cut contact, the better. 2 weeks of no contact and I have moved on so much.

[Hoaks]

Thankyou guys,

Yes that last text I got from her is prolonging my pain. I just dont undetstand her at all anymore. Why not just tell me its over? Let me move on. I do understand that the last 2 weeks she has been working afternoon shift 7 days, so we really have had no time to sit down and talk. I know she is selfish and would rather not deal with things and be with her friends for a couple hours after work without being upset. She has always run from conflict.

 

Posting here and having you guys reply is definately helping me stay nc.All I wanted to do when I woke up for work was text her. I cant anyway because her phone is disconnected. But this helps stop that feeling.

 

I just wish I never answered my phone 4 months ago. I was just about over her then. As it turns out, she was just bored and used me until she got back in with her friends. This is just me putting some pieces into place because she never tells me anything anyway.

[Hoaks]

I dont know if I should start a new thread in the coping section? Just so I can get things off my chest. As badly as she has treated me the last month, this still hurts so bad .

 

Being ignored is the worst thing. Why couldnt she just say to me over the phone a month ago that its not working and shes done? Very cruel way to break up. Gutless, lier. Even if she does love me and is not IN love with me, you dont do that to someone.

 

I know I will never get answers. But this is harder than the first time, atleast we spoke on the phone then. Very very frustrating, she knows I need to be told its done, we talked about that. We both said we wouldnt leave each other in limbo wondering.

 

She asked to give her a week, but she knows how impatient I am. And you dont say it like " I need you to get off my back for atleast a week". Just made me angry and hurt. No reasons, just get off her back.

[TaraMaiden]

Start a new thread?

 

Make a fresh start, full stop, period, end of story.

Change your number, delete all her contact details, block her off at every avenue and delete your FB account.

Turn over a new leaf, and drop this crap right now.....