LosingFear Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I know that this is impossible for any of you to know... but... i really need advice here.... My boyfriend and i have been together for three years. We have been living together these three years. We just bought a house together (it's in his name but we bought it with the intention that it was OUR house). He sprung this on me Tuesday and i've been trying my best to cope with it since then. His exact words were "I'm sorry, i love you... very much... but i'm just not happy anymore" I reacted very emotionally and began to cry and plead and beg. He offered "You can stay here as long as you need to to get an apartment and move out... i'll help you pack... i'll help you financially... i'll help you any way i can... i haven't been happy for a while... and...well... i didn't want to hurt you by telling you". That night; we went to bed (in our bed) as normal. Woke up, got prepared for the day as normal. Kissed each other goodbye and to have a goodday as normal. Later that night i ask him "Please, let me prove to you i can make you happy. You are the best man that's ever been in my life... the way i've been acting... the things i've said and done... i want you to know that this isn't the person i am and not the person you fell in love with. I want to work on these things for your happiness and most importantly my own. I know that we can be happy together...." he stared blankly at me. "I am going to stay in a hotel for a few weeks... i won't contact you... i won't smother you... please... consider giving me a second chance..." to which he replied "I'll think about it." Backstory: This is all my fault. All of it stems from my behaviors. I realize that and for a long time i've been okay with it because it seemed like it didn't matter what i did he would always be there for me.... I suffer with Bi-Polar and OCD. I obsess constantly that bad things are going to happen at any given point. My radio station is on a different station? I AM GOING TO DIE IN AN ACCIDENT ON THE WAY TO WORK! My locker at the gym is being used? I AM GOING TO INJURE MYSELF. Because of my own issues which i have been AFRAID to face i have projected them onto him. I practically smothered him and would get mad/resentful or forbid him from going out and doing things he wants to do or hanging out with friends. Not once or twice... ALL THE TIME. I tried and controlled him in every single aspect of his life. What we ate together, what we did, whether he could spend his OWN money on things he enjoyed. etc. I was NEVER supportive of him. Anytime he liked something or wanted to do something i would **** on it immediately and belittle him. I constantly acted like everything was "not good enough". I grew up in a VERY unstable enviroment. I haven't ever had someone in my life who could be responsible (for me or even THEMselves) especially financially. I grew up in constant fear of not knowing what was going to happen. I let this fear go by trying to control every aspect of my life. This made me feel safe. At this point i have been in a hotel for a few days. My cat and most of my belongings are still at home. In this time i've made some pretty major changes in outlook, overall mood, and conquering this fear i've had. I've decided conciously that i cannot live in the past, nor try and control my future, all i can do is live in this moment. This way i've been living is exhausting for me... i cant even imagine how exhausting it must have been for him.... I haven't contacted him (as i promised). This is the exact opposite of my emotional response; but i know that smothering him will only confirm his decision. I have started therapy to tackle my OCD. And i'm ready to do anything possible (not for him... but for ME) to live my life without this constant fear of something bad happening (out of my control). I had a notebook where i was working through a couple ocd and bipolar books.... in it was written my deepest and darkest irrational fears. Today, i cut out all of the pages and burned them. I have accepted the fact that worrying about things BEYOND my control does nothing to change a situation or make me feel better; it just makes me miserable. I have accepted the fact that the fears i have (such as my deathly afraid feelings of heights) must be faced head on. I am not going to run away anymore and feel sorry for myself. Life is too short to be afraid to LIVE. My fear of making my own friends and doing things i want to do (go play tennis, have a girls night out, trust people) i'm letting go. I joined a few social groups that do outdoor activities and a girl's group of "girlfriends" that meet for drinks, and do social outings. I conquered my BIGGEST fear and went skydiving today. I was terrified but i knew i had to prove to myself that there are things beyond my control and i have to trust a higher power (whatever that may be) and enjoy life to the fullest. It was the most exhilirating experience i've ever had. When i landed i thought to myself "if i can jump out of a perfectly good airplane... there's no fear i can't face". It was truly liberating. So in the next few weeks i'm working on myself. living in the moment. enjoying life. letting the past go and forgiving everyone who has made a mistake towards me and forgiving myself for the mistakes i've made. I guess the realization i'm coming to is im not perfect. I can never be perfect. There are things beyond my control. I deserve to be happy. I'm not an inherently bad person as i've always made myself out to be... and damnit, i am a good person. This is the man who has always treated me with respect and support (which i never returned), with love and compassion (which i took for granted) and constantly told me that i WAS good enough (which i constantly ignored). I don't want to lose this man... i love him deeply. But I know now that i cannot change the past. His thoughts are warranted. And i want to treat him with nothing but respect and love from this moment onward. If he decides that he doesn't want to give me a second chance... i have no choice but to accept his feelings and thoughts. Show him i support him in his endeavors. And i have to continue on.... I am letting go of the fear of the unknown... the constant worry... but somehow i want to make him happy. I want to see him truly happy... whether that means with me or not. I love him, wholeheartedly. Will he give me an opportunity to show him the true person i am? the person he fell in love with? The strong, independent woman who loves herself and him. Who respects herself and him. And who IS good enough. I'm not sure when he'll contact me... but i'm not sure how to approach the conversation without making him feel i'm trying to be manipulative in any way whatsoever. PLEASE HELP!!!
Author LosingFear Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I guess i should also add that i have become this fearful miserable person slowly after seeking treatment for bi-polar which made my mood ALL kinds of crazy (manic for example). This is not the way it's always been. there was a time when we were both happy... when i respected him and his space and vice versa. there was a time he drove out of his way 3 hours just to pick me up for a night. he loves me... this i'm sure of... i'm just not sure if he'll be willing to see that person in me anymore...
veggies Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I created an account after a long time lurking just to reply to this... I am in the EXACT same situation, except we didn't live together... I have even done the skydiving thing just like you! Except my anxieties caused me to push him away instead of smother him. I just started therapy too, so definitely keep up with that. I told my therapist how guilty I felt for mucking things up and treating him that way, because that's just not who I am. She told me that there's nothing I can do to change what I did, but instead of thinking to yourself "I screwed up" you have to change your thinking patterns to "My BEHAVIOR was screwed up." You have to think instead of "I should have not have acted that way" to "I would have preferred to have not acted that way, and I plan on making sure that I do not act that way again in the future in a relationship with him or someone else." When you say something like "I shouldn't have done that" you are placing demands on yourself that you CAN'T control. When you place DEMANDS like this on yourself and other people, it just causes more anxieties because you can't control these things. You have to acknowledge you behavior but realize that in the future you can adjust it. This process of adjusting your thinking to promote healing is called neurolinguistics. The only thing you can do is give him his space and time. Work on yourself and SHOW him you can change-- telling him these things does nothing but push him away. It has to be shown. You're not alone... it's eerie how similar our situations are... and it sucks.
Author LosingFear Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thank you! It's been very difficult giving him space and living with this fear. I care about him so deeply, I want to know if he wants to try and make things work. Time will tell. I need this time to work on me... Part of me doesn't want to delay and contact him as soon as possible. Part of me accepts that this is necessary. I created an account after a long time lurking just to reply to this... I am in the EXACT same situation, except we didn't live together... I have even done the skydiving thing just like you! Except my anxieties caused me to push him away instead of smother him. I just started therapy too, so definitely keep up with that. I told my therapist how guilty I felt for mucking things up and treating him that way, because that's just not who I am. She told me that there's nothing I can do to change what I did, but instead of thinking to yourself "I screwed up" you have to change your thinking patterns to "My BEHAVIOR was screwed up." You have to think instead of "I should have not have acted that way" to "I would have preferred to have not acted that way, and I plan on making sure that I do not act that way again in the future in a relationship with him or someone else." When you say something like "I shouldn't have done that" you are placing demands on yourself that you CAN'T control. When you place DEMANDS like this on yourself and other people, it just causes more anxieties because you can't control these things. You have to acknowledge you behavior but realize that in the future you can adjust it. This process of adjusting your thinking to promote healing is called neurolinguistics. The only thing you can do is give him his space and time. Work on yourself and SHOW him you can change-- telling him these things does nothing but push him away. It has to be shown. You're not alone... it's eerie how similar our situations are... and it sucks.
PDunny Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Wow, your post opened my eyes to my habits and texted my ex apologizing for nearly everything you did. I didn't realize I had done it as well until I read it somewhere else. I have a lot of experiences with breaking up and getting back together, sadly. We have done it about 7 times now. This time I am confident it may be the end, but I am working to make sure that I improve myself. We are being too friendly to get back together I think. If you want him back, focus on improving yourself. Focus on you. I created a list of the flaws I have, the steps I need to perform to fix them and the steps I have performed to fix them. Since we are friendly, I asked my ex to add onto it if she could. No additions yet though. But this has changed me from not being able to eat, moping around and being depressed to being able to get up and do things. Also, a lot of what you say reminds me of the Grass is Greener Syndrome. All you can do is prove that the grass is not greener by improving yourself. And if it doesn't work, than at least your better for it.
veggies Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Thank you! It's been very difficult giving him space and living with this fear. I care about him so deeply, I want to know if he wants to try and make things work. Time will tell. I need this time to work on me... Part of me doesn't want to delay and contact him as soon as possible. Part of me accepts that this is necessary. Yeah patience is key here. Lucky for you, I think NC works well for those who had smothered their partner because just by showing them that you can be independent and not constantly contact them, that's already a step forward. I've been apart from my partner (ex, I guess... but even he admits that he can't call me that, and I can't call him that either) for almost 7 weeks now, and we're both truly hurting-- both of us have lost a lot of weight and isolated ourselves from our group of friends. It's so, so hard. But you have to keep focusing on yourself. I don't want to give you false hope or anything, but two of my closest friends broke up in the fall because she was very, very needy and clingy. He pushed her away, and they constantly argued. He was going away on an internship across the country and suggested a "break". She FLIPPED OUT. She was absolutely inconsolable-- crying all the time and constantly texting him because she missed him so much. Eventually it got to the point where he told her that he didn't love her anymore and it became a break up. At that point she picked herself up and moved forward. Before he came back from the internship, he contacted her and decided that they should try again. They're doing better than ever today, but she told me that without the struggle and the pain and the independence she gained, they would have never worked out. I think they were apart for about 5 months. Just work on yourself and work on moving forward. You will find happiness with or without him, so really the future only holds good things. Best of luck Edited June 17, 2013 by veggies
Author LosingFear Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 How long should the NC thing stay if you were living together and are in a hotel. I really don't want to look for an apartment if things are going to work out.
veggies Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Oooh yeah that is tricky. In my opinion the minimum time for kind of cooling off and getting perspective is 30 days... That's what all those "ex back" books say, anyway. But I understand that you may not be able to stay in a hotel for 30 days. Do you have any friends or family you could stay with for a while?
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