Has anyone dated partners with NPD or BPD?

[avelonia2013]

I have and realized I was a magnet for people like that. Used to be anyway and have broken the cycle through therapy. It was very easy for me to get sucked into those type of relatonships because I was a care taker. A relationship like that can drain the life out of you eventually because they are emotional vampires. They use your energy to thrive until you feel empty.

 

I would get out and stay out now if you can. The longer you stay the more you will lose yourself in the process and become an extention of them. Work on yourself and figure out why you are attracting women like that into your life. Once you figure it out you won't be vulnerable to those types anymore.

[Cheapmondays]

I have and realized I was a magnet for people like that. Used to be anyway and have broken the cycle through therapy. It was very easy for me to get sucked into those type of relatonships because I was a care taker. A relationship like that can drain the life out of you eventually because they are emotional vampires. They use your energy to thrive until you feel empty.

 

I would get out and stay out now if you can. The longer you stay the more you will lose yourself in the process and become an extention of them. Work on yourself and figure out why you are attracting women like that into your life. Once you figure it out you won't be vulnerable to those types anymore.

 

I agree they are emotional leeches and what sucks the most is that as much as you tell yourself this is wrong, as much as you try to convince yourself that everything was a lie, part of you fantasizes about who you fell in love with. I'm not going to lie, part of me wants her to snap out of it and realize what she lost . It just sucks that this will never happen.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Cheapmondays

[salparadise]

It's not worth it. The worse part is that these individuals, believe it or not, are very addictive to be with. You think you can fix them with love, but that's never the case.

 

I agree they are emotional leeches and what sucks the most is that as much as you tell yourself this is wrong, as much as you try to convince yourself that everything was a lie, part of you fantasizes about who you fell in love with. I'm not going to lie, part of me wants her to snap out of it and realize what she lost . It just sucks that this will never happen.

 

You seem to have good insight with regard to these disorders. The important things to understand are that a) you can't fix them, and b) the will suck your soul and turn you into a shadow of who you used to be. They are parasitic, but not intentionally, and not with any awareness. They're broken, needy, insecure people. As a compassionate, care-taking (and probably codependent) person, your predispositions appear symbiotic on the surface, but underneath they drain the life out of you. Accept the disorder as it is, dismiss any illusions you may have created to try and reconcile the unexplainable, and strengthen your boundaries as a healthy way of taking care of self. Self must come first.

 

PS: The only unconditional love is that of a mother for her child. Romantic relationships are never unconditional, they're reciprocal.

[Emilia]

It's kind of crazy. At first the relationship was very intense and romantic and I thought I found the one. But then I started to come to a harsh realization that I might have been dating a narcissist.

 

I've noticed when issues began to arise, she was quick to dump them on me and walk away. She loved the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promise of ideal love and hope that she had found "the one" who will tolerate all her issues without question. When I began to question her , differ with her , or make demands, her "weirdness" escalated. She used manipulation in order to get me to stop bringing up issues . Dumping everything on me saying, It is my fault. I have something wrong with me! I'm not good enough. I'm not manly enough.

 

Her love seemed to be immature, self centered and needy. She searched for unconditional love, but was unwilling to return it. I felt so lost. I started to question her behavior whether it was dancing on guys, seeking attention, ignoring me, she got defensive which in turn lead to more manipulation in order to seek validation to no matter what she did. she expected me to tolerate her frivolous escapades , the love for attention, her indecisive nature, commitment problems, avoidance issues, and anything other issues she had.

 

Throughout our 10month relationship she often cut me off, abandoned me for an abusive ex( which I spent practically 8 months helping her get over) , And as victim to what I think was her personality, I believed it was somehow my fault that she treated us with such contempt. I wondered what I did to deserve such cruel treatment. I became so conditioned to her that I would take her back on multiple occasion after she left me for her ex.

 

She was like a monkey swinging from one man to another. Her ex treated her horribly and manipulated her in so many ways and I guess I showed her true love, unconditional love. And despite the amount of pain she put me through I always took her back. I understand that she has been using me as a doormat and I can honestly say I did nothing wrong in the relationship. Recently, she finally committed into a relationship after 8 months of me helping her get over her previous relationship and one month later she cuts it off and gives the excuse that she's young and she wants to be a free spirit and date other people. I let her go once again, and she came back in a matter of days. As you probably could already tell she did it once again. Understand , that I am shocked because I've never done anything , but scarf iced my life for this girl and honestly I came into this relationship with 0 baggage and an open heart. I feel like she never even gave the relationship a chance at all and Im afraid I fell in love with an illusion. I know these type of women are extremely shady and challenging. One day she loves me, two days later she doesn't know if we are right for one another. She seems to always brainwash me by saying all these beautiful things, taking me places, or actually putting effort in for a little while, but then quits. Its been a week since things ended and I'm copping to the best of my ability. It just baffles me and I cant wrap my head around how everything I knew was a lie, and it kills me inside that she doesn't even care.

 

Sorry for the long read

 

There is nothing in your post that indicates personality disorder. You simply dated someone extremely immature.

[Estate]

It's kind of crazy. At first the relationship was very intense and romantic and I thought I found the one. But then I started to come to a harsh realization that I might have been dating a narcissist.

 

I've noticed when issues began to arise, she was quick to dump them on me and walk away. She loved the romance, the attention, admiration, adoration, promise of ideal love and hope that she had found "the one" who will tolerate all her issues without question. When I began to question her , differ with her , or make demands, her "weirdness" escalated. She used manipulation in order to get me to stop bringing up issues . Dumping everything on me saying, It is my fault. I have something wrong with me! I'm not good enough. I'm not manly enough.

 

Her love seemed to be immature, self centered and needy. She searched for unconditional love, but was unwilling to return it. I felt so lost. I started to question her behavior whether it was dancing on guys, seeking attention, ignoring me, she got defensive which in turn lead to more manipulation in order to seek validation to no matter what she did. she expected me to tolerate her frivolous escapades , the love for attention, her indecisive nature, commitment problems, avoidance issues, and anything other issues she had.

 

Throughout our 10month relationship she often cut me off, abandoned me for an abusive ex( which I spent practically 8 months helping her get over) , And as victim to what I think was her personality, I believed it was somehow my fault that she treated us with such contempt. I wondered what I did to deserve such cruel treatment. I became so conditioned to her that I would take her back on multiple occasion after she left me for her ex.

 

She was like a monkey swinging from one man to another. Her ex treated her horribly and manipulated her in so many ways and I guess I showed her true love, unconditional love. And despite the amount of pain she put me through I always took her back. I understand that she has been using me as a doormat and I can honestly say I did nothing wrong in the relationship. Recently, she finally committed into a relationship after 8 months of me helping her get over her previous relationship and one month later she cuts it off and gives the excuse that she's young and she wants to be a free spirit and date other people. I let her go once again, and she came back in a matter of days. As you probably could already tell she did it once again. Understand , that I am shocked because I've never done anything , but scarf iced my life for this girl and honestly I came into this relationship with 0 baggage and an open heart. I feel like she never even gave the relationship a chance at all and Im afraid I fell in love with an illusion. I know these type of women are extremely shady and challenging. One day she loves me, two days later she doesn't know if we are right for one another. She seems to always brainwash me by saying all these beautiful things, taking me places, or actually putting effort in for a little while, but then quits. Its been a week since things ended and I'm copping to the best of my ability. It just baffles me and I cant wrap my head around how everything I knew was a lie, and it kills me inside that she doesn't even care.

 

Sorry for the long read

 

I can only sympathize.

I have dealt with the exact same situation when I was much younger. I've written about it elsewhere so won't repeat it all but what you are describing could literally be the same girl.

 

This is how they deal with things, their emotions swing all over. They are quick to tell you and sucker you into believing you are the one and are destined to be together and then that is their excuse to treat you like crap... afterall, you are "meant" to be together... she can throw anything at you, blame you, manipulate you but you're not "allowed" walk away because she tries to convince you this is the only relationship.

 

You are toally right, it's manipulation and then dumping all the problems and blame on you... they will wear out your self confidence and worth so you hardly even think you are worthy of them, this is how they keep partners, it's their only way, make someone feel below them and make them feel like horrible people.

 

Do not fall for it, it is NOT your fault if she will not deal with her problems.

 

If someone accepts their condition and is helping themselves then it can be perfectly fine. If they are controlling it and are aware of it, they can have healthy lives and relationships. The problem with this disorder is that a lot of people with it, refuse to belief they have problems, and even if they, at moments, tell you they do realise the problem, it's only to jerk on your emotions to stay with them then the next fit of rage will be blamed on the "condition" and they were unaware of what they did... if you loved them, you would accept it.

 

This topic hits really close to home for me, dating someone like this nearly ruined my entire life when I was 20/21.

 

This is not your fault OP, get away, far away from her. If I can be of any help, PM me.

[Estate]

There is nothing in your post that indicates personality disorder. You simply dated someone extremely immature.

 

Emilia, there is quite a lot in there suggesting exactly that.

Someone with mental disorder does not walk around with a sign saying so or act like a crazy lady.

 

They are often quite normally functioning people who then do some bizarre things when something triggers them. What the OP described very much suggests this girl is like that. It's not healthy for him to be involved with. I'm speaking from experience, it's very easy to dismiss things when you have not been put in that position.

[Emilia]

Emilia, there is quite a lot in there suggesting exactly that.

Someone with mental disorder does not walk around with a sign saying so or act like a crazy lady.

 

They are often quite normally functioning people who then do some bizarre things when something triggers them. What the OP described very much suggests this girl is like that. It's not healthy for him to be involved with. I'm speaking from experience, it's very easy to dismiss things when you have not been put in that position.

I'm speaking from experience too. It's easy to say that someone is an ass because they have a PD while in fact you just made the wrong decision for a partner

[Estate]

He has highlighted MANY signs of someone with her conidition.

 

She is manipulative, unstable, pushes blame onto him where unwarranted, clingy, the flighty, making him feel bad and as if he is the problem when he is not, she's untrustworthy yet makes him feel responsible, she forced "the one" thing yet does what she likes, the list goes on.

 

I mean, I can write a book on how this is all not right... I actually wrote 6 pages on the absolute terror someone brought on me and my family which was read by a judge while she was sentenced after we dealt with 3 years of her crazy behaviour getting so out of control, we no longer felt safe in our own homes, before she literally tried to ruin me and my parents lives in ways I can't even explain in one sentence.

 

The OP said they are 10 months in... at 10 months, this is exactly how it all started.

 

Telling to OP that she is fine and this might be HIS fault is NOT good advice here. I don't know your angle on this sort of stuff but I'm sure it comes from the PC brigade of "oh, everyone should be accepted no matter what". People should be accepted based on their actions and should take responsibility for them. The OP is not in a good situation here and it is NOT his responsibility to stay and sort this girl out so PLEASE do not encourage him to do so. He does not need this in his life, nobody does.

 

Where is ALL of the OP's post does it suggest that she is a normal, stable, person?

[Emilia]

He has highlighted MANY signs of someone with her conidition.

 

She is manipulative, unstable, pushes blame onto him where unwarranted, clingy, the flighty, making him feel bad and as if he is the problem when he is not, she's untrustworthy yet makes him feel responsible, she forced "the one" thing yet does what she likes, the list goes on.

this does not make a person a BPD or NPD? I'm confused as to why they are even mentioned in the same thread

 

I'm not saying that she is fine, I'm saying that he made a c**py decision in picking a partner. Isn't that everyone's responsibility? The partner they pick?

 

Where did I say he should stay and sort this girl out?

[Estate]

this does not make a person a BPD or NPD? I'm confused as to why they are even mentioned in the same thread

 

I'm not saying that she is fine, I'm saying that he made a c**py decision in picking a partner. Isn't that everyone's responsibility? The partner they pick?

 

Where did I say he should stay and sort this girl out?

 

Sounded like you are making excuses for her.

[Emilia]

Sounded like you are making excuses for her.

No, I'm saying he shouldn't blame personality disorders for making a bad decision. I'm trying to encourage him to take responsibility in fact rather than blame an illness.

[Emilia]

There is some good stuff here about BPD

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/380507-calling-all-those-bpd

[thefooloftheyear]

I believe that I did(BPD)...It was so bizarre on many levels.I have been around a while and never met anyone quite like her...No man could satisfy her unless they planned to become her Siamese Twin...There was a ton more, I wont get into it.

 

.Although I see a lot of people using this as an excuse for why their situation didnt work out...Much easier to blame someone else or some "condition" rather than the fact that they "just werent that into you"...so to speak..

 

TFY

[Estate]

No, I'm saying he shouldn't blame personality disorders for making a bad decision. I'm trying to encourage him to take responsibility in fact rather than blame an illness.

 

Which is exactly what SHE is doing... making HIM take responsibility for HER behaviour. It's not right.

 

She has issues and is not dealing with them.

If someone is willing to accept and deal with their challenges then they deserve to lead a happy and healthy life but this girl has problems and is not dealing with them, therefore it is NOT up to the OP to deal with it and he should NEVER think it is.

 

BPD again... DOES NOT show itself at all times. It is set off by triggers which can be literally anything, the person can appear perfectly normal most of the time but then completely change at an instant which is exactly what he is describing. It's is too hard to define or describe exactly what it is because it does not manifest itself the same in all people and does not manifest itself at all times.

 

I don't even care if this is BPD, NPD, or a common cold, she needs help and her behaviour is not right, it is NOT the OP's responsibility.

[salparadise]

There is nothing in your post that indicates personality disorder. You simply dated someone extremely immature.

 

Nothing to confirm it, but I believe the behaviors are consistent with any number of cluster B disorders. In a sense, it makes no difference if she's diagnosable or not... that she's displaying these behaviors is all he really needs to understand.

[Joaquin]

Assuming youve had some fairly "normal" relationships before, a person with bpd will stand out from anything else you'd have experienxed. The mind warping soul sucking emotional drain with NOTHING coming back.

 

Oh yes, when u have experience of a person with bpd, you know. Its not actually a relationship, more just toleration.

[CopingGal]

Dating someone with a personality disorder from Cluster B, or even one that has a number of strong traits from Cluster B is so painful and the end results are devastating.

 

Antisocial Personality Disorder (Sociopathy)

Boderline Personality Disorder

Narcisstic Personality Disorder

 

Stay away from people that have many strong traits from one of these disorders. Histrionic PD doesn't seem as bad, but the person is still in bad shape.

 

 

I know of what I speak. I never, EVER want to date a sociopath again.

[salparadise]

Histrionic PD doesn't seem as bad, but the person is still in bad shape.

 

Histrionic is just as bad. It often has characteristics of multiple cluster B disorders. They are just as soul sucking as the others, and even more manipulative. Don't ask me how I know.

[HateThisLimbo]

I posted a thread under second chances...it tells what happened to me. It's been 3-4 months now and I have figured out that it wasn't me... HE is a narcissist! This article below was my light bulb moment. It's an exact parallel of our relationship! I have had NC, feeling like my old confident & self assured self, AND I am starting to date again!

(Article)

Have you ever had a situation that goes something like this?: You meet

someone and it feels like the stars align. This person is so into you and lavishes you with attention, romance and gifts. The relationship moves very quickly and it feels like you have met “the one.” Months down the road when things have settled in comfortably, things start to change. The person who used to adore and worship you now fluctuates between needing you desperately and devaluing you. Perhaps as time goes on, the person who you thought cared so much becomes more emotionally unavailable, distant and cruel. The “Jekyll” part of the personality starts to overtake the “Hyde.” How did this person who used to be so wonderful and made such an effort to be with you all of the sudden turn out to be so opposite than what you thought? This can leave someone confused, hurt, angry and depressed. If this situation sounds similar to something you have experienced, you may be or may have dated someone with narcissistic tendencies. Here are some of the warning signs: 1. They are madly in love with you right off the bat and the relationship moves very quickly: People with narcissistic tendencies use fantasy like projections when picking a mate. Usually it takes a certain amount of time to fall in love with someone. Sure, you can feel chemistry and a connection with someone but to fall in love with who a person truly is (flaws and all) takes some time. A person with narcissistic tendencies loves the intense feelings and the attention. Sadly, their intense interest in you is more so about them and their needs than it is about you. 2. They fluctuate between adoring you and devaluing you: People with narcissistic tendencies are very hot and cold. They can be mean and critical one second and then sweet and loving the next. This becomes very confusing because you are still seeing glimpses of the wonderful person you first fell in love with but you are also getting to see another side that makes you feel bad about yourself. 3. They have little ability to empathize and everything is on their terms: Someone with narcissistic tendencies doesn’t really see things from your world or from your point of view. Everything is about them and what they want. They ignore your needs in the relationship and only focus on getting what they want or what works best for them. They will always be their number one priority and everyone else will always come after that. 4. They cheat, lie or manipulate and don’t feel remorse: Narcissists don’t really empathize so when they do something to hurt you, they don’t really feel remorseful. This can actually be the most hurtful part because it may make you feel like they never cared about you at all. Moving on can be very hard because a lot of people feel that they need closure or apologies that they will never get from narcissistic people. 5. When it’s all over, it’s like you never mattered: A classic case narcissist mostly uses people for their own gain and has very little emotional connection to those that are in their lives. Because of this, they discard people in their lives very easily. I recently watched an episode of the new HBO show Girls and in this particular episode, one of the characters who had broken up with her serious long-term boyfriend 2 weeks prior now finds he already has a new girlfriend. Shocked that he could move on so quickly from something so serious she exclaims. “you’re a sociopath!!” and walks away. Even though she was the one who broke up with him, she is shocked that it feels like their relationship meant nothing to him at the end of the day and that she was easily replaceable. People recovering from narcissistic relationships are often in shock that someone who once claimed to love them so much has moved on so quickly and without any sense of remorse. How to spot a narcissist: I always tell my clients to take the time to really get to know the people they are dating before getting too emotionally invested or putting all their eggs in one basket. There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of two people falling madly in love with each other right at the get go and spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not the norm. Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier on it occurs. Past relationship patterns are also very important to look at. As mentioned above, people who are narcissistic are intense very quickly and end up leaving a trail of shattered relationships and people who are left to pick up the pieces (and often need quite a bit of therapy after being in the destructive path of a narcissist). If you get an idea of the dating history of someone and it follows a certain pattern, pay attention to that. Yes, people can change, but past relationship patterns can raise a lot of red flags. The reason people have a hard time of extricating themselves from a narcissistic relationship is because it is hard to get past the fact that someone who used to be so wonderful and loving can turn so cold, hateful and lacking in remorse. These people hang on because of the glimpses they get of the good side and hold out the hope that if they were only “good enough” or “better”, or unconditionally accepted and loved this person then they could get the nice and kind person back. It turns into a vicious cycle and the more you get into a relationship, the harder it is to get out of. Being in a relationship with a narcissist will make you feel crazy and most narcissists actually don’t actively leave relationships; they wait to be left first. It can be really hard to get out of a relationship like this and if you have never been in one, it’s hard to know how. If someone makes you feel worthless or crazy and you know they are not treating you with respect, or empathizing with you, that might be hard to change. Learning to spot negative patterns early and having the strength to know what you deserve in a relationship is one of the best things to do if you find yourself involved with one of these people. Recovery after a narcissistic relationship: Recovery after a narcissistic relationship can be very difficult. Many people are driven to therapy because they have been left completely shattered and fragile after a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about YOU. This has everything to do with the flaws of the narcissist and their inability to make real, meaningful connections with others. What they have done to you is what they have done and will continue to do in all their relationships unless they recognize this within themselves and get help. The problem is, most narcissistic people never recognize that they need to change. Remember that you deserve a relationship that builds you up, that makes you feel safe, and that brings you happiness and warmth. A person who is narcissistic cannot give this to you, simply because they are not capable of it. - See more at: Are You Dating a Narcissist?

[HateThisLimbo]

Going to have to change my user name to "Loving Life Again"

[Cheapmondays]

You seem to have good insight with regard to these disorders. The important things to understand are that a) you can't fix them, and b) the will suck your soul and turn you into a shadow of who you used to be. They are parasitic, but not intentionally, and not with any awareness. They're broken, needy, insecure people. As a compassionate, care-taking (and probably codependent) person, your predispositions appear symbiotic on the surface, but underneath they drain the life out of you. Accept the disorder as it is, dismiss any illusions you may have created to try and reconcile the unexplainable, and strengthen your boundaries as a healthy way of taking care of self. Self must come first.

 

PS: The only unconditional love is that of a mother for her child. Romantic relationships are never unconditional, they're reciprocal.

 

I do understand the reality of it and you're absolutely right about everything you said. I just keep thinking too much and my heart keeps telling me what if? I know I have to use my head and that I will. However, I can't understand why they are unable to change or heal. The thing with my NPD ex is that she realizes she is this way, but she says she doesn't want to rely on medication or therapy to live her life.

[Cheapmondays]

I can only sympathize.

I have dealt with the exact same situation when I was much younger. I've written about it elsewhere so won't repeat it all but what you are describing could literally be the same girl.

 

This is how they deal with things, their emotions swing all over. They are quick to tell you and sucker you into believing you are the one and are destined to be together and then that is their excuse to treat you like crap... afterall, you are "meant" to be together... she can throw anything at you, blame you, manipulate you but you're not "allowed" walk away because she tries to convince you this is the only relationship.

 

You are toally right, it's manipulation and then dumping all the problems and blame on you... they will wear out your self confidence and worth so you hardly even think you are worthy of them, this is how they keep partners, it's their only way, make someone feel below them and make them feel like horrible people.

 

Do not fall for it, it is NOT your fault if she will not deal with her problems.

 

If someone accepts their condition and is helping themselves then it can be perfectly fine. If they are controlling it and are aware of it, they can have healthy lives and relationships. The problem with this disorder is that a lot of people with it, refuse to belief they have problems, and even if they, at moments, tell you they do realise the problem, it's only to jerk on your emotions to stay with them then the next fit of rage will be blamed on the "condition" and they were unaware of what they did... if you loved them, you would accept it.

 

This topic hits really close to home for me, dating someone like this nearly ruined my entire life when I was 20/21.

 

This is not your fault OP, get away, far away from her. If I can be of any help, PM me.

 

Thank you so much. Your post really helps me a lot. The weird part is that she tells me she knows she has a promblem, but she doesn't want to rely on any form of help to live her life. I agree with everything you said in your post. What I don't understand is why her mind flips so quickly. It doesn't make any sense. Last week she wrote me a long letter apologizing for the the pain and hurt she put me through and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. She then proceeds to lure me more by being extremely romantic and caring. Two days after, she ignores me until I beg for her to answer. When she finally does, she says the same thing that she has said a billion times. " I can't do this anymore" It came to the point where I got used to it, and was predicting when she would leave me.

[Cheapmondays]

I'm speaking from experience too. It's easy to say that someone is an ass because they have a PD while in fact you just made the wrong decision for a partner

 

Emilia her personality screams NPD. My ex and I discussed the issue, and she had told me that she is depressed unless she is constantly getting attention from men. She has pointed out that practically every relationship she has cheated. She created a fake world where she told me everything I wanted to here and when I fell for her she began treating me like dirt. She loves the the chase, loves the attention and cannot live without it. I would also like to point out her father is BPD.

[Cheapmondays]

No, I'm saying he shouldn't blame personality disorders for making a bad decision. I'm trying to encourage him to take responsibility in fact rather than blame an illness.

 

I can honestly say that I have made a bad decision. However, these indivuals are usually completely normal at first. It's almost impossible to tell. When you finally realize what you're in for, it's too late and you try everything in your power to treat there condition with love, but it doesn't work. You may have a lot more exprience than I have in this situations like these, however from what I explained in my post, I trully believe that this girl has a disorder.

[Cheapmondays]

I posted a thread under second chances...it tells what happened to me. It's been 3-4 months now and I have figured out that it wasn't me... HE is a narcissist! This article below was my light bulb moment. It's an exact parallel of our relationship! I have had NC, feeling like my old confident & self assured self, AND I am starting to date again!

(Article)

Have you ever had a situation that goes something like this?: You meet

someone and it feels like the stars align. This person is so into you and lavishes you with attention, romance and gifts. The relationship moves very quickly and it feels like you have met “the one.” Months down the road when things have settled in comfortably, things start to change. The person who used to adore and worship you now fluctuates between needing you desperately and devaluing you. Perhaps as time goes on, the person who you thought cared so much becomes more emotionally unavailable, distant and cruel. The “Jekyll” part of the personality starts to overtake the “Hyde.” How did this person who used to be so wonderful and made such an effort to be with you all of the sudden turn out to be so opposite than what you thought? This can leave someone confused, hurt, angry and depressed. If this situation sounds similar to something you have experienced, you may be or may have dated someone with narcissistic tendencies. Here are some of the warning signs: 1. They are madly in love with you right off the bat and the relationship moves very quickly: People with narcissistic tendencies use fantasy like projections when picking a mate. Usually it takes a certain amount of time to fall in love with someone. Sure, you can feel chemistry and a connection with someone but to fall in love with who a person truly is (flaws and all) takes some time. A person with narcissistic tendencies loves the intense feelings and the attention. Sadly, their intense interest in you is more so about them and their needs than it is about you. 2. They fluctuate between adoring you and devaluing you: People with narcissistic tendencies are very hot and cold. They can be mean and critical one second and then sweet and loving the next. This becomes very confusing because you are still seeing glimpses of the wonderful person you first fell in love with but you are also getting to see another side that makes you feel bad about yourself. 3. They have little ability to empathize and everything is on their terms: Someone with narcissistic tendencies doesn’t really see things from your world or from your point of view. Everything is about them and what they want. They ignore your needs in the relationship and only focus on getting what they want or what works best for them. They will always be their number one priority and everyone else will always come after that. 4. They cheat, lie or manipulate and don’t feel remorse: Narcissists don’t really empathize so when they do something to hurt you, they don’t really feel remorseful. This can actually be the most hurtful part because it may make you feel like they never cared about you at all. Moving on can be very hard because a lot of people feel that they need closure or apologies that they will never get from narcissistic people. 5. When it’s all over, it’s like you never mattered: A classic case narcissist mostly uses people for their own gain and has very little emotional connection to those that are in their lives. Because of this, they discard people in their lives very easily. I recently watched an episode of the new HBO show Girls and in this particular episode, one of the characters who had broken up with her serious long-term boyfriend 2 weeks prior now finds he already has a new girlfriend. Shocked that he could move on so quickly from something so serious she exclaims. “you’re a sociopath!!” and walks away. Even though she was the one who broke up with him, she is shocked that it feels like their relationship meant nothing to him at the end of the day and that she was easily replaceable. People recovering from narcissistic relationships are often in shock that someone who once claimed to love them so much has moved on so quickly and without any sense of remorse. How to spot a narcissist: I always tell my clients to take the time to really get to know the people they are dating before getting too emotionally invested or putting all their eggs in one basket. There are definitely fairy tale stories out there of two people falling madly in love with each other right at the get go and spending their lives happily ever after, but that is generally not the norm. Keep your guard up the more intensely the person is into you and the earlier on it occurs. Past relationship patterns are also very important to look at. As mentioned above, people who are narcissistic are intense very quickly and end up leaving a trail of shattered relationships and people who are left to pick up the pieces (and often need quite a bit of therapy after being in the destructive path of a narcissist). If you get an idea of the dating history of someone and it follows a certain pattern, pay attention to that. Yes, people can change, but past relationship patterns can raise a lot of red flags. The reason people have a hard time of extricating themselves from a narcissistic relationship is because it is hard to get past the fact that someone who used to be so wonderful and loving can turn so cold, hateful and lacking in remorse. These people hang on because of the glimpses they get of the good side and hold out the hope that if they were only “good enough” or “better”, or unconditionally accepted and loved this person then they could get the nice and kind person back. It turns into a vicious cycle and the more you get into a relationship, the harder it is to get out of. Being in a relationship with a narcissist will make you feel crazy and most narcissists actually don’t actively leave relationships; they wait to be left first. It can be really hard to get out of a relationship like this and if you have never been in one, it’s hard to know how. If someone makes you feel worthless or crazy and you know they are not treating you with respect, or empathizing with you, that might be hard to change. Learning to spot negative patterns early and having the strength to know what you deserve in a relationship is one of the best things to do if you find yourself involved with one of these people. Recovery after a narcissistic relationship: Recovery after a narcissistic relationship can be very difficult. Many people are driven to therapy because they have been left completely shattered and fragile after a relationship with a narcissist. The most important thing to remember is that it’s not about YOU. This has everything to do with the flaws of the narcissist and their inability to make real, meaningful connections with others. What they have done to you is what they have done and will continue to do in all their relationships unless they recognize this within themselves and get help. The problem is, most narcissistic people never recognize that they need to change. Remember that you deserve a relationship that builds you up, that makes you feel safe, and that brings you happiness and warmth. A person who is narcissistic cannot give this to you, simply because they are not capable of it. - See more at: Are You Dating a Narcissist?

 

This explains my ex to the t. Scary stuff. She has literally broke me down with manipulation where I started to believe that I would never find anyone better. But I'm doing better a lot better now. It's only been a week since it ended, and it's a relief not having to worry about her changing her mind and blaming everything on me. However, there are times where I grab the liquor bottle.