radhika123 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) Hi I am 30 year old women married for 5 years. Had an arranged marriage from a foreign country and then came to US. I never had a physical attraction towards my husband. He is a very honest caring person. Loves me to death and he has encouraged me to pursue higher studies and he has sacrificed so many things for me over the years. The only thing I is that i never loved him and never had a passion for him. Coz of the cultural dilemma I just went along in this marriage and was comfortable too. 5 years ago I met a guy at my school and we became best friends. I used to share all my feelings with him and he was very caring and a handsome guy. Never knew when this friendship turned into love for each other and last year we started having physical contact with each other and continued for a year. I had this guilt of what I am doing to my perfect husband who thought we were just friends. Our love for each other was so much that we continued and now I am planning to get a divorce. My husband is heart broken with this news and I am feeling guilty and I feel like I used him. Now I am graduating I am leaving him, he is devastated. I moved out 2 days ago but I could not see my husband cry and sad like this. Am scared that he would do something to himself and I do care about him, just not in love. He feels so betrayed and I am not sure if I can live with this guilt for the rest of my life. I do love this other guy and dreaming of having a family together. Other hand my family has in India has disowned me and i don't know if I can leave with it. I am very confused.. Please tell me what would you do if you were in my situation? I don't want to hurt this man who has sacrificed so much for me, also I love my best friend and feel like he is the love of my life.. I am confused if I love my husband and don't see it or it is just the attachment from the past 5 years and the guilt that i cheated on him is making me feel like this.. Want to add few more things.... When we were first set up by our family and friends I hadn't even seen my husband (he was working abroad) and said yes to the marriage since I had accepted that if it isn't for him it would be someone else from my cast. Then we started talking over the phone and I had this felt like this might not be the man for me but I just went along.Sometimes even got confused between love and my duty to love. Then he came to see me, we still had 8 months before the wedding I should have said something but never had the courage to do that. Thought this will be my fate so be it... Came to US things changed, I used to see people holding hands and having love marriages( I know this word seems weird to westerners) and used to get jealous of them and always wished I also wanted to have a love marriage like this. Used to cry alone sometimes thinking of this. Now that this is the last thing in the separation I am feeling so bad for my husband, i will be so happy if he finds someone who deserves him. But as far as i know my husband is a kind of guy who might not go with any other women. he says it will be like unfair to this other women if I love u and marry her huh... At this stage I am confused .. if I have to sacrifice my love life for my family and dear husband or be selfish and do what I want to. Thanks Edited August 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author radhika123 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 No I am not throwing him out... I am confused whom should I choose, my guilt tells me to stay with my husband but my love tells otherwise...
Geiss Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Why didn't you divorce him 5 years ago. That's got to hurt. He sends you to school for an education and you got that and then some. He basically paid for you to cheat on him. But you should not have married him in the first place. It does sound like you used him to get what you want. You should at least pay him back all the money he spent on you for your education. On the other hand I don't agree with arranged marriages and I fail to see how you can fall in love with someone that was hand picked for you by your parents. I know they say arranged marriages seem to have lower divorce rates but I think that's because the consequences of divorce seem to be much higher. Like your family disowning you. That's a tough call. Normally I would say you are completely in the wrong here but since it's an arranged marriage I'm a bit on the fence with this one. I think the damage has been done already and you really don't have much of a choice but to divorce and go with the other guy.
Author radhika123 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 but my husband has said that if I can be happy with him I could come back and he can forgive me... This is the last chance I have so I am confused what I should do. Should I be selfish and choose my love or should I be go to my husband forgetting everything and think this as a punishment for all the sins I comitted?
InsaneTrombone Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 This makes me sick as man. He's done everything for you and you up and leave him for some person you've met because he encouraged YOU to go to school. I don't even want to think the train of thought your husband is in right now. In the end, it's your life and you may do as you wish. I personally just hope some karma comes back and bites you in the ass with this new man of yours. I wonder how you would feel if you found out he was having an affair after you left your husband for him. 3
ChessPieceFace Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Most people here aren't qualified to judge or understand your situation. To most of us, arranged marriage is a very foreign and terrifying concept, and most of us would reject the idea of it being ever applied to us. Another poster claimed that today's divorce rate is a result of "marrying for love." That is absurd. Today's divorce rate is primarily a result of no-fault divorce, the institution of court-ordered child support and a society of self-centered people who are both unwilling and unable to work out differences. Our society has raised self-centered women, told them to blame men for everything and then given them the legal means to throw out their man like a used paper towel while still sponging off of his income. Look at the result -- a divorce society where fatherhood is irrelevant. What a surprise! Arranged marriage could have advantages... I think you are seeing the disadvantages. OP, unlike some here I don't begrudge you for most of your choices so far. You've been shackled by tradition to someone you don't love, and likely were shackled before you really had the mental discernment to make that choice; you were young and did what was expected of you. Now you are seeing that it's not fair and in your case just is not working. You are expected to live your whole life without love, to live up to others' expectations of YOUR life? It's YOUR life. Other people asking you to live it without love is absurd. Life isn't supposed to be a penance. That's how you described going back to your husband. That's very little good for anyone. I wouldn't want to be married to someone that would never love me. That said, it's crappy that you let this go on as long as you have, taking his money and wasting his time, and that you didn't make a decision sooner. If you've given your husband a chance, tried to love him but never did, and are pretty sure that you never will -- it's time to move on, regardless of the consequences. It sucks that your family will disown you but I look at that like a cult disowning someone for leaving the cult. As much of a terrible loss as that is, I would never tell someone to stay in a cult just so their cult-family would continue to accept them. Everyone's choices are their own. It's up to everyone to act in good conscience as best they can. It's your family members' choice to behave in that way. It's terribly unfortunate, but it was their choice. You have to make your choice. In your situation, I would try to make my spouse understand that I was grateful for everything, that I wish it could work but that I couldn't live my life without love. And that you are both better off to end a marriage without love. And also to try to pay him back over time for some of the money he spent on your education.
Eggplant Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 but my husband has said that if I can be happy with him I could come back and he can forgive me... This is the last chance I have so I am confused what I should do. Should I be selfish and choose my love or should I be go to my husband forgetting everything and think this as a punishment for all the sins I comitted? No way ... how will he forgive you? Not really. Damage is done. May as well go. 1
Realist3 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I would feel no guilt whatsoever if I was in an arranged marriage and actually found someone I loved and decided to leave. This is your life. Not someone 'arranging' it for you. Step up and live your life.
wanting more Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 This is what makes this site hard for WS to come back to. All everyone (BS) say is "tell your BS about the A". So OP has done that. Admitted she's in love with someone else. But she feels guilt, (yes, even cold hearted, spineless WS feel guilt). Can you cut her a little slack before jumping all over her about how wrong she is, why didn't she leave long ago. I don't understand the whole arranged M deal but we all know, obviously its still practiced. I couldn't imagine what that's like, as anyone else here not in that situation could. To OP, don't go back out of guilt. Take some time for yourself to figure things out. Take some time for YOU.
BeholdtheMan Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 but my husband has said that if I can be happy with him I could come back and he can forgive me... This is the last chance I have so I am confused what I should do. Should I be selfish and choose my love or should I be go to my husband forgetting everything and think this as a punishment for all the sins I comitted?I think what you did is still very wrong despite the arranged nature of your marriage...however, I also see that powerful cultural factors are at play here. Western observers will have a hard time wrapping their heads around Indian arranged marriage. MY first response would have been to tell you that you should've divorced your husband first before pursuing an intimate relationship with this other man. However, I know that the social pressure against divorce would've been enormous had you not been in an affair. In other words, an affair would probably have been your only way out of your marriage. Unluckily for you, your parents had arranged for you to be married to a person physically unattractive by your standards. At this point, I think you should set your husband free. You'll never be attracted to him. A marriage with no attraction is doomed to fail. I think you deserve to be married to someone you find attractive, and your husband deserves someone who finds him attractive and hopefully won't spread her legs for another man. It's time to move on for the both you. Your husband seems like a typical "nice guy" door mat. Do him a favour and leave him. Don't let him cling onto you. The two of you won't work. 2
dichotomy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) I don't know how many relationships you have had before your marriage, or if you have been in love before....but I can make a reasonable prediction that if you were (or are) to marry this new man - that your feelings you have for him will change over time. That is you will likely find the initial feelings of passion or romantic love and great physical/sexual attraction fade. In the end, your success of the marriage will be based on other things - shared beliefs, expectations for marriage and roles in the marriage, children, support for one another, kindness, shared culture, shared lifestyle, honesty, faithfulness, willingness to please the other over yourself, and more. Please keep this in mind as you move on to your next man or marriage. Although I am from the US and western perspective I am not opposed to arranged marriage. I say this with some wisdom that my own parents would have done a better job then I did in choosing my first wife Edited June 17, 2013 by dichotomy 2
Running Man Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 No I am not throwing him out... I am confused whom should I choose, my guilt tells me to stay with my husband but my love tells otherwise... Actions speak louder then words. You waited until you graduated to choose to leave your husband. You manipulated his trust and love to use for your advantage and now your ready to jump ship into the arms of another man. So YES you did use him. Stay or Go its your choice but don't pretend you didn't use him. 1
Bryanp Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I assume that your husband knows about your lover and that your husband has been checked for STD's. My opinion is for you to go live with your lover and allow your husband to grieve and eventually he will find another woman who will truly love and respect him since you clearly do not. You do your husband no favors by staying with him. 2
aliveagain Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Whatever you decide, the damage is done. Arranged marriage or not your husband must love you very much. The one fact that is important for you to understand is the lover you have fallen in love with is still someone who is willing to steal another man's wife. This doesn't sound like a much better situation to me, on one hand you have a husband who is faithful and supported you and obviously loves you, on the other hand you have a man that will have an affair with a married woman, which one do you think will last, which one will you feel safer with? Perhaps your situation is different(it seems every wayward spouse wants to believe that) and the statistics won't work against you. The statistics are very high that a relationship with a foundation built on infidelity rarely works out. You are both willing to cheat if the opportunity becomes available, you have already proven that. If you decide to leave your husband perhaps you should take time apart from your affair partner to and work on yourself first, find out why you were willing to risk your marriage in the first place, why you didn't respect your commitment to your husband and your family? Regardless if your marriage is arranged or not, your still legally married here or in India. Cheating is cheating everywhere. End one relationship before you start and possibly damage another. Edited June 17, 2013 by aliveagain spelling 1
stillafool Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 It's clearly over with your husband at this point. He nor his family will never view you in the same light again. At this point you have to reconcile in your mind to give up the life and family you have known and go with your lover. I only hope your lover will be as good to you as your husband has been and makes all of your sacrifice worth it. There is nothing anyone here can tell you to do in regards to your situation. You have already made your decision.
The Shepherd Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) Please tell me why is it wrong if her parents cut through the entire dating process and found her a keeper? Are women in the West not 'settling'? Edited June 17, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Vijju159 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 God damn...what is wrong with women( particularly Indian) these days??? The damage is done but when it comes to choosing, your mind knows the answer cos your heart must be dead long back. Stay with ur so called soul mate but always get reminded in future, the money you make from the degree is nothing but your betrayal.
Eggplant Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I'm an American woman. My views are influenced by my culture, or course. The fact that you've left your husband even despite so much family pressure to stay with him means something in your psyche is seriously unhappy with the arrangement. You and you alone have to live with your choices. You don't have children yet. Doesn't your husband want a woman who genuinely loves him? The passionate love diminishes but it is a natural bond that has power and should be valued. And not having that connection with your husband, and then to fall in love for real for another ... painful. I value commitment and family. But you are only ankle deep (no kids and a few years) into this marriage, and there's time to get out. That's my western-biased viewpoint. (That said, I envy the fact that marriage is a sure thing in India, whereas here not so much.)
The Shepherd Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) I have zero experience with these things, but if this is a true story I have a few questions for you. Who is this other guy? Is he from India? Two days ago you moved out where? Will this other guy marry you? Will his family accept you? Who is holding hands and who is getting married? As far as I know people are scared to death of getting married here, especially the men. What happens if he doesn't want to marry you and dumps you after a few months or in a year or two? Are you a strong, independent woman who can find a job and live on your own or find someone else? Remember, you didn't even have the courage to tell your parents that you didn't want to get married to your husband? Will you be able to go back to your family in India ever? Do you have any friends or family in the U.S. who will support you if things go wrong? What visa status are you on currently? If the divorce happens what will be your visa status? Do you think this other guy will stand by you and help you through the divorce and immigration process? Do you have any estimation of how much money you are going to need for all this and do you have this money? These are some of the questions I can think of now. Personally, I hope your husband divorces you but I think you are naive. Edited August 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Eggplant Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 (edited) I have zero experience with these things, but if this is a true story I have a few questions for you. Who is this other guy? Is he from India? Two days ago you moved out where? Will this other guy marry you? Will his family accept you? Who is holding hands and who is getting married? As far as I know people are scared to death of getting married here, especially the men. What happens if he doesn't want to marry you and dumps you after a few months or in a year or two? Are you a strong, independent woman who can find a job and live on your own or find someone else? Remember, you didn't even have the courage to tell your parents that you didn't want to get married to your husband? Will you be able to go back to your family in India ever? Do you have any friends or family in the U.S. who will support you if things go wrong? What visa status are you on currently? If the divorce happens what will be your visa status? Do you think this other guy will stand by you and help you through the divorce and immigration process? Do you have any estimation of how much money you are going to need for all this and do you have this money? These are some of the questions I can think of now. Personally, I hope your husband divorces you but I think you are naive. Her degree probably wasn't in English. If she gets engaged, the other man can get a fiancée visa. Everybody is naïve in love, you take leaps and it's very risky. She's taking a risk for happiness. I assume the other man is serious and wanting to marry her. Her husband and she should divorce, because there is infidelity in their marriage. She has a good degree, so she should be able to find work, right? Edited August 2, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
The Shepherd Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 My intention is not to insult her. I am just hoping this is not a real story. I think you need certain language skills to get through Ph.D. programs, but I don't have any Ph.Ds., so I will shut up. Please remember while advising that this woman is from a highly sheltered environment and might have never lived on her own.
Author radhika123 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Hi here are my answers, btw in my post I had misspelled caste and leave and the rest is from the next post from someone else. and U.S can also be spelled as US(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_States). However I don't claim am an expert in english since its not my first language. Coming to answers here are my responses: I have zero experience with these things, but if this is a true story I have a few questions for you. Who is this other guy? Is he from India? The other guy was my classmate at school and he is an american Two days ago you moved out where? two days ago I moved out my own place not with this other guy Will this other guy marry you? Yes we have talked about marriage but I would not make this decision too soon this time coz I already did a mistake once. So want to know this person really well before getting married. For now we do love, care for each other. Will his family accept you? His family likes me and they don't mind me being divorced Who is holding hands and who is getting married? As far as I know people are scared to death of getting married here, especially the men. Don't have an answer for this right now.. What happens if he doesn't want to marry you and dumps you after a few months or in a year or two? Are you a strong, independent woman who can find a job and live on your own or find someone else? Remember, you didn't even have the courage to tell your parents that you didn't want to get married to your husband? I feel like now I have changed and I can live on my own. Thats why i didn't move in with the Other guy right away. I have already found a job as soon i graduate. Will you be able to go back to your family in India ever? Not sure about this they are from small village and pride is everything for them. They first think what people are gonna say before thinking about anyone's happiness.. Do you have any friends or family in the U.S. who will support you if things go wrong? I have only one friend whom i can count on to support me What visa status are you on currently? If the divorce happens what will be your visa status? I have a green card. Do you think this other guy will stand by you and help you through the divorce and immigration process? The other guy will stand by me.. Do you have any estimation of how much money you are going to need for all this and do you have this money?
The Shepherd Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Ok. I wish everyone involved all the very best.
Vijju159 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Well, if that is the case you better be separated for months as space is very much needed. You have to better question yourself what made you to decide on divorce right after the end of your graduation? The issue should could have been discussed years ago. Had he ever been informed from you reg the loveless marriage from your side back then?? I personally believe getting loved is the best gift esp from someone you are married irrespective of arranged or love marriage. You say he is too caring and loves you to death and still want to divorce him. Had you not met your OM years back then maybe your marriage could sustain. Never leave a marriage for other person unless you have REAL issues in your marital relationship. Whatever choice you make stay strong and LS is the place you get the best advice. 1
kamani Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Difficult situation, things appear to be irreversibly damaged. Your parents arranged the marriage for you, but you took the decision to marry him. Were you forced into this marriage? I don't think so. You claim you didn't love him from the very beginning and I wonder why you consented to marry him. Is the lack of attraction the reason for not having kids so far? If yes you should get out of this marriage. Both you and your husband deserve love in your lives and feel loved. You think that life would be happier with the OM at the moment. However it may be or may not be so, in long term.
Recommended Posts