scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Really? She knew when she gave me that ultimatum how I might react. I'm sorry she didn't get what she wanted - which was control over me and control over the relationship. She didn't understand that those weren't things to be had in a healthy relationship. She KNEW how you would react? Perhaps in a moment of desperation to save this relationship, she had HOPE that you would turn around. She put it in your hands. What happened after that, we now know. Look, ultimatums don't work most of the time and she may be kicking herself for doing that, but what you're doing is just wrong. She is still contacting you for a reason. I agree you should hear her out, say what you need to and both move on. It's a win-win situation. She has answers, you're not guilty any more.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 She KNEW how you would react? Did you read my previous posts? She knew how I would react because this happened earlier, and I told her the next time I wouldn't come back.
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Did you read my previous posts? She knew how I would react because this happened earlier, and I told her the next time I wouldn't come back. I get what you're saying, but she is obviously trying to reach out. Stop ignoring. You can both move on once a dignified adult conversation happens.
marqueemoon4 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 If I'm reading your original post correctly she didn't break up with you... she threatened it and you have ignored her for 8 months. To me, that is cruel.. but to each their own. Maybe the guilt you feel is valid? Maybe discussing things would be the best for both of you? Just an idea.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Am I entirely misunderstanding the intent of ultimatums here? I don't give them to people because I realize how offensive it is. Giving someone an ultimatum to end a relationship for the sake of gaining control of it is a much deeper head game to me than walking away and sticking to no contact...something this site talks a lot about.....
marqueemoon4 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Am I entirely misunderstanding the intent of ultimatums here? I don't give them to people because I realize how offensive it is. Giving someone an ultimatum to end a relationship for the sake of gaining control of it is a much deeper head game to me than walking away and sticking to no contact...something this site talks a lot about..... Personally I wouldn't do either.. but I'm not judging you buddy. I mean I would think if you cared for her at all you wouldn't ignore her for 8 months, amirite?
undergroundlife13 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Ive been ignored for 2 months and it has definitely prolonged my healing. It makes you feel like you dont exist and youre worthless. Please be a decent guy regardless of the circumstance, because you won! Shes been hung up on you for 8 long months. You have NO idea how this feels... 1
hotpotato Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 it sounds as if she issued an ultimatum to get you to address a problem in the relationship. it is emotional manipulation, to be sure, borne of desperation for the attention of a partner. it sounds as if you have since inflicted an extremely protracted, cruel, passive-aggressive silent treatment that kept her and the status of your relationship in limbo -- at least for her. i do not think that calling (or even better meeting) to give a more definitive and respectful conclusion to the relationship would be lead her to believe you want her back. in fact, i am fairly certain that she is still contacting you because her self-esteem has been shredded by the method of your departure. i don't think you have a shot with this girl beyond aiding her in much needed ego repair. this is the saddest thing i have read on this site. Ia. She probably didnt want to break up, only to fix a problem. You were mean by leaving her high and dry, and she was incredibly dumb by issuing an ultimatum she didnt really want. I would never threaten to leave unless I was dead serious. Maybe better communication could have thwarted this issue.
Author damien201 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Ive been ignored for 2 months and it has definitely prolonged my healing. It makes you feel like you dont exist and youre worthless. Please be a decent guy regardless of the circumstance, because you won! Shes been hung up on you for 8 long months. You have NO idea how this feels... I know how it feels. My previous girlfriend left me that way and has never spoken to me to this day. I grew more from that relationship than any other.
undergroundlife13 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 So you do it to someone else? Sounds like you never really cared in the first place, even a "leave me alone" is better than that..
mutant Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) I agree with you Damien. I think you made the correct decision and acted in the best way possible. Most posters on here are trying to relate your situation to theirs but this is completely DIFFERENT. From your posts, I gathered the following 1. Girlfriend constantly threatens to leave (something that always destabilizes a relationship) 2. Girlfriend keeps saying hurtful things and possibly uses abusive language? 3. There are constant blow-ups and fights-a clear indication that the relationship isn't working. 4. Girlfriend makes her threats real by dumping you on your birthday (leaves you very frustrated) - you later on get back together- probably after begging? 5. Girlfriend demands that you settle down with her or else... 6. Girlfriend finally issues another ultimatum giving you two options either you agree to her demands or walk away/dumps you (You chose the more practical option ). You actually got dumped! This is a very toxic environment and no love can grow, you can't simply live with that fear of getting dumped everyday. It is also very difficult to get into any conversation with such a person after only 8 months of BU and there is nothing positive that could possibly come out of it. There is no need to get into another fight or argument. I think the reason you went NC is because you were tired of getting into fights and needed some time out. The guilt you are feeling is amplified by the fact that you really put a lot into this relationship and wanted it to work. You should be proud of leaving this relationship at the best time possible. I clearly don't understand why this girl needs closure.... the reasons for the break-up are written on the wall++++she actually dumped you! There is no need to contact her on that premise. Actually, most posters on here agree that closure comes from within... the only issue you need to address here is her constant calling. I think you should send her a succint but unemotive email. Explain to her that you will not answer her calls or reply to her emails as this is best for both of you. You are only twenty five, thank God you didn't marry this girl!.... I guarantee you will find someone who doesn't fancy issuing ultimatums and really cares about you. Mutant Edited June 17, 2013 by mutant
LoveB86 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 If you felt your decision was justified... then why are you on here asking about the guilt you feel? If you are trying to get some answer to alleviate the guilt you feel by wanting to make us feel sorry for you because she threatened you when you were the one that ended the relationship by disappearing. Well you are not getting my vote that's for sure. My ex did the simiiar thing, and cheated and left me for someone else. Flat out, disappeared from me and I have not heard from him. Only difference was I was good to him and never ever broke up with him. I'm sorry, but you mind as well fight thru your guilty conscience and continue to move on your merry way. Because you not wanting to meet, reconcile with her, let alone an apology by now is too late. You are plain wrong and should continue to accept your decision and move on.
LoveB86 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Oh, but I do feel sorry for her making herself look desperate for closure... she is clearly wasting her time and too bad she failed to see it because there is someone out there who would be much more worthy of her time.
D-Lish Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I have been guilty of "breaking up" with someone in order to try and engage a response from them. It's been the kiss of death for me in a few relationships. You can't be flippant about pulling that card because it does great harm to a relationship. I get why you pulled away from her after she broke up with you the first time. I get why you left her after she did it a second time. The break up card is about testing limits and pushing boundaries for the person that uses it. It sounds like you never forgave her for doing it to you the first time. You probably went into the relationship with an open heart- and when she pulled out the break up card- you put up a wall that never came back down again. I can assure you that she is dealing with an equal amount of guilt, and probably regrets it every day. Might not be a bad thing to set things straight, show some compassion and give her the closure she needs with some real honesty from your end. 2
mutant Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Well you are not getting my vote that's for sure. My ex did the simiiar thing, and cheated and left me for someone else. Flat out, disappeared from me and I have not heard from him. Only difference was I was good to him and never ever broke up with him. That's not the only difference. The OP didn't cheat, didn't leave for someone else,actually got dumped, wanted the relationship to work, but couldn't cope with the constant break-up threats and fights. The OP isn't looking for sympathy but guidance on the whole situation. Like everyone else on this forum he's been hurt and wants to share his situation. 1
cavalier99 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 She told you to take a hike. So you did. This is exactly what ill do if i get broken up with again. Good job! No need to reach out. Her closure doesnt have anything to do with you. She needs to get that on her own. Cav 1
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