damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 My ex girl and I broke up about 8 months ago now, after having been together for about a year. She threatened to break up with me because she didn't think I was taking the relationship seriously enough, along with a bunch of hurtful words. It really made me angry, ruined my confidence in the relationship, and I lost a ton of respect for her because I felt she was trying to manipulate me in to settling down. So I stopped talking to her entirely. I blocked her on facebook, never replied to her texts, phone calls, or emails. She has continued to contact me, even 8 months later, and it's starting to make me feel really rotten. I feel terrible knowing she's still trying to get over the relationship. I don't know what to do because I do still have fond memories of our relationship, and feelings for her on some level. But when I consider things rationally, I don't want to go back to her at all. I feel like if I contact her and explain how I'm feeling, she'll take it as a suggestion that I might want to give things another go and I know I wouldn't be ready for that. Should I just continue to ignore her? Tell her how I'm feeling?
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 did she actually break up with you? or are you saying that you disappeared on your girlfriend of a year -- without bothering to meet her face to face and formally end the relationship?
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 She said "I don't want to do this anymore, if you don't talk to me about it tonight consider it over." I didn't talk to her that night so I considered it over.
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 wow ... and poor girl has been chasing you for 8 months for a respectful goodbye that she can live with? no wonder you feel incredible guilt... 1
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 it sounds as if she issued an ultimatum to get you to address a problem in the relationship. it is emotional manipulation, to be sure, borne of desperation for the attention of a partner. it sounds as if you have since inflicted an extremely protracted, cruel, passive-aggressive silent treatment that kept her and the status of your relationship in limbo -- at least for her. i do not think that calling (or even better meeting) to give a more definitive and respectful conclusion to the relationship would be lead her to believe you want her back. in fact, i am fairly certain that she is still contacting you because her self-esteem has been shredded by the method of your departure. i don't think you have a shot with this girl beyond aiding her in much needed ego repair. this is the saddest thing i have read on this site. 4
ddlovexx Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 i am fairly certain that she is still contacting you because her self-esteem has been shredded by the method of your departure. i don't think you have a shot with this girl beyond aiding her in much needed ego repair. this is the saddest thing i have read on this site. I have been this girl. I was left for another girl and though it isn't the same situation, he left me high and dry without an explanation or care in the world for me or the love we shared. I'm sure you left this girl feeling exactly the same. You could have felt all the anger/resentment you wanted to, sure she could've handled it better, but the least you could've given the girl was a proper breakup/reasoning. Her giving you the ultimatum and you "not speaking to her" that night was more like YOU breaking up with HER.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 it sounds as if she issued an ultimatum to get you to address a problem in the relationship. it is emotional manipulation, to be sure, borne of desperation for the attention of a partner. it sounds as if you have since inflicted an extremely protracted, cruel, passive-aggressive silent treatment that kept her and the status of your relationship in limbo -- at least for her. i do not think that calling (or even better meeting) to give a more definitive and respectful conclusion to the relationship would be lead her to believe you want her back. in fact, i am fairly certain that she is still contacting you because her self-esteem has been shredded by the method of your departure. i don't think you have a shot with this girl beyond aiding her in much needed ego repair. this is the saddest thing i have read on this site. Really? Sadder than husbands cheating on their wives and leaving their kids behind? Thanks for the insight.
J_L_C Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I have been this girl. I was left for another girl and though it isn't the same situation, he left me high and dry without an explanation or care in the world for me or the love we shared. I'm sure you left this girl feeling exactly the same. You could have felt all the anger/resentment you wanted to, sure she could've handled it better, but the least you could've given the girl was a proper breakup/reasoning. Her giving you the ultimatum and you "not speaking to her" that night was more like YOU breaking up with HER. Something similar happened to me and it really makes you wonder whether that person you shared such a deep connection with, ever really cared at all. If they did, how could they just drop us like this without the consideration to the bond we once had. I believe that one must always show the same level of integrity that was there in the relationship even as it is ending. Nothing excuses poor behavior like that especially if you cared for each other and each other's feelings at one point. We are human beings. Just because the "status" of one's relationship changes, shouldn't take away the care and concern for the other as another fellow person. 2
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Something similar happened to me and it really makes you wonder whether that person you shared such a deep connection with, ever really cared at all. If they did, how could they just drop us like this without the consideration to the bond we once had. I believe that one must always show the same level of integrity that was there in the relationship even as it is ending. Nothing excuses poor behavior like that especially if you cared for each other and each other's feelings at one point. We are human beings. Just because the "status" of one's relationship changes, shouldn't take away the care and concern for the other as another fellow person. That's exactly how I felt when she threatened me.
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 yes, the saddest... in all fairness, i have not read any posts in the divorce and separation section. i have, however, been married and have had it fail. so what saddens me about this post is not that a relationship has ended. romantic relationship are undertaken by choice and choice alone. what breaks my heart about this post is how little you think of this woman who had been yours for a year that you would not spare ten minutes of one day in 8 months to tell her that/why you could not continue with her, to say goodbye, to wish her well. (and if you stand by this decision, then what accounts for the guilt described in the title of this thread?)
lailax3 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Wow. This happened to me 4 weeks ago, slightly different situation though. I gave up contacting him two weeks ago. I think you should contact her. 8 months is a long time for her to still initiate contact. Don't be so cruel.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 what breaks my heart about this post is how little you think of this woman who had been yours for a year that you would not spare ten minutes of one day in 8 months to tell her that/why you could not continue with her, to say goodbye, to wish her well. You're only assuming I think little of her. I've articulated very little of the relationship or events leading to the breakup. (and if you stand by this decision, then what accounts for the guilt described in the title of this thread?) Making the right decision doesn't always make you feel good.
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 i apologize. i do not know what you feel about her, and i do not know the history of your relationship. your actions suggest that you're punishing her in a way that would not only only shatter a heart but would also turn a mind to mush. are you afraid of her?
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 are you still very upset with her? I wouldn't say I feel upset with her. I really wish we could have stayed friends, or even stayed together as a couple. We were great for each other in most of the ways that mattered, but the time wasn't right. She worked and went to school full time, and I was working two full time jobs, I'm 24 and she's 25. She saw the lack of time we spent together as a sign the relationship was failing and it resulted in numerous blowups, the worst being these scenarios where she'd imply she was thinking about leaving, or suggest that she could find another guy who would be more willing to get more serious. About 2 months prior to our last fight she had dumped me on my birthday, and we reconciled a few days afterwards. I was devastated by it and told her it couldn't happen again. When she threatened to breakup that night I took it very seriously and it hurt me badly, and I reacted the way I thought I should - I cut her out of my life and moved on. I was so angry at first I didn't want to talk to her at all, I didn't feel I owed it to her. Now as time has passed I just feel bad about the whole thing. I feel like we could have had a chance together, or at least remained good friends, but instead I abandoned her. At the time it really seemed like the only reasonable choice.
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 yes, i hear you. your actually remind me of a very sensitive man i know. he would avoid emotional confrontations and disappear to settle his emotions when things got tough in his relationships. but the people on the receiving end of those disappearances often felt that he hated them or that he'd simply emotionally abandoned them. since you are open to friendship or reconciliation, why not ask your ex out for coffee or lunch? you could even cut and paste what you have written in your posts and send it to her in an email to get the conversation going. but please, friend, stop ignoring this girl.... 1
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 yes, i hear you. your actually remind me of a very sensitive man i know. he would avoid emotional confrontations and disappear to settle his emotions when things got tough in his relationships. but the people on the receiving end of those disappearances often felt that he hated them or that he'd simply emotionally abandoned them. I don't feel I disappeared to settle my emotions. I told her if she dumped me again or threatened to it'd be the end of things, and I followed through on that. since you are open to friendship or reconciliation, why not ask your ex out for coffee or lunch? you could even cut and paste what you have written in your posts and send it to her in an email to get the conversation going. but please, friend, stop ignoring this girl.... Because I'm not interested in friendship or reconciliation. I wish they were possibilities but I know they're not, which is why I started this thread. I would like to start talking to her again but I know in my heart it would be the worst thing I could do. I guess I hoped this thread would assuage my guilt some but I guess it's something I'll just have to live with or learn to understand better.
ddlovexx Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Something similar happened to me and it really makes you wonder whether that person you shared such a deep connection with, ever really cared at all. If they did, how could they just drop us like this without the consideration to the bond we once had. I believe that one must always show the same level of integrity that was there in the relationship even as it is ending. Nothing excuses poor behavior like that especially if you cared for each other and each other's feelings at one point. We are human beings. Just because the "status" of one's relationship changes, shouldn't take away the care and concern for the other as another fellow person. First of all, holy moly, THIS ^^^ Second... we understand that you had reasons to not want the relationship anymore but the problem seems to be the lack of communication. You said you cared/don't think little of her, then you should have at least spoken to her and had a respectful breakup. You said it hurt/bothered you when she said "if we don't speak tonight, consider it over" but what you don't seem to understand is she didn't walk away from you, you walked away from her. She asked to talk (probably to fix things) and you walked away instead of fighting for it. 8 months later and she still wants to talk, yet you keep saying she "broke up with you" and it hurt. I'm not sure why you're having such a hard time seeing that simply speaking to her would've resulted in you guys either ending peacefully or perhaps never even breaking up. Not for nothing, you should feel guilty. The past is the past, all you can do is learn from it... all you can do is forgive yourself and move on.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 First of all, holy moly, THIS ^^^ Second... we understand that you had reasons to not want the relationship anymore but the problem seems to be the lack of communication. You said you cared/don't think little of her, then you should have at least spoken to her and had a respectful breakup. You said it hurt/bothered you when she said "if we don't speak tonight, consider it over" but what you don't seem to understand is she didn't walk away from you, you walked away from her. She asked to talk (probably to fix things) and you walked away instead of fighting for it. 8 months later and she still wants to talk, yet you keep saying she "broke up with you" and it hurt. I'm not sure why you're having such a hard time seeing that simply speaking to her would've resulted in you guys either ending peacefully or perhaps never even breaking up. Not for nothing, you should feel guilty. The past is the past, all you can do is learn from it... all you can do is forgive yourself and move on. Right - because I should have stayed with her and "fixed" things, despite the fact that would have been impossible without us quitting our jobs and moving back in with our parents. This was a problem in the relationship she didn't want to adress, which I mentioned in a previous post.
J_L_C Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Right - because I should have stayed with her and "fixed" things, despite the fact that would have been impossible without us quitting our jobs and moving back in with our parents. This was a problem in the relationship she didn't want to adress, which I mentioned in a previous post. At least when your ex ended things, she didn't try to get some last minute sex from you...and when you'd obviously say no, she didn't rip her pants off and finger herself off while you sat there devastated. This is what my ex did to me. Except of course, we know how men do the 'getting off'.
scorpio1978 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I have been this girl too. Still am in one situation and nothing says "you mean nothing" as much as blatantly ignoring someone. It literally screams that you don't care and nothing feels worse to someone who has feelings for you than to feel that they are nothing. It shreds self-esteem, leaves things hanging, adds bitterness to future relationships and is just awful. I am sorry to say this because I am not trying to attack you, but what you did and are doing is so incredibly cruel and you are hiding behind the excuse of "well, she broke up with me" when in reality, she gave you an ultimatum and you didn't take it. YOU ended this, not her. You can be mad that she pushed you are whatever, but what you are doing to this poor girl is just terrible. You don't need to have to get back with her. She might not want that either. But you do have an obligation of having been with someone for over a year to say something. Anything. I am not going to tell you what to write, but at least include and apology for your behavior. And again, please don't take this the wrong way, but thinking that by contacting her, you might be giving her some hope or idea that you want her back...no, that's pretty arrogant. Be a good man and a decent human being and explain yourself. Put her out of her misery and let her move on. 3
lailax3 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 1) Continue to ignore her and proceed with your life. She'll give up eventually. Or 2) Contact her, hear her out, say what you gotta say, if anything and then proceed with your life, guilt free.
Author damien201 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I have been this girl too. Still am in one situation and nothing says "you mean nothing" as much as blatantly ignoring someone. It literally screams that you don't care and nothing feels worse to someone who has feelings for you than to feel that they are nothing. It shreds self-esteem, leaves things hanging, adds bitterness to future relationships and is just awful. I am sorry to say this because I am not trying to attack you, but what you did and are doing is so incredibly cruel and you are hiding behind the excuse of "well, she broke up with me" when in reality, she gave you an ultimatum and you didn't take it. YOU ended this, not her. You can be mad that she pushed you are whatever, but what you are doing to this poor girl is just terrible. Really? She knew when she gave me that ultimatum how I might react. I'm sorry she didn't get what she wanted - which was control over me and control over the relationship. She didn't understand that those weren't things to be had in a healthy relationship.
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