wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Basic situation... Meet a girl online, went on four great dates got on really well with loads in common etc etc, then she cooled off, gave her a call last night and it turned out she thinks im a fab guy, really fantastic, good looking ( not sure on that one ha ha ) and everything is right about me except she didn't have that all important spark/ chemistry for me as she thinks it will just happen when you meet a guy ( which prob happens once in a persons lifetime imo ) but is really keen for us to hang out/do things as friends and see where it goes either way between us but she doesn't want to stop me meeting the girl of my dreams in the mean time ( as she put it ) but then out of the blue last night invited me over today for sunday lunch with her family.. Went for lunch, got on well with her family/her etc etc, chilled out few hours tbh.. My rule is that if it doesn't work out dating wise then walk away esp if friend zoned, prob is that I do really like this chick and have no idea what could/will happen either way as we do get on really really well so do I stay friends/ date other people at the same time and see where the road goes or do I cut my ties?? Something to be said about old fashioned dating!!!
ses Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 She's letting you down gently. Listen to her: Find your dream girl and move on from this experience. She's already indicated that she feels no "spark" with you. Initial chemistry is important for many people. If she can't see you in a romantic light then you have been relegated to the friend zone. Don't pursue her anymore. You can enjoy her friendship, but distance may help you get over her. Don't let her string you along for an ego boost. She's not going to change her mind, and it will only hurt more to see her with another fellow. 5
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 She's letting you down gently. Listen to her: Find your dream girl and move on from this experience. She's already indicated that she feels no "spark" with you. Initial chemistry is important for many people. If she can't see you in a romantic light then you have been relegated to the friend zone. Don't pursue her anymore. You can enjoy her friendship, but distance may help you get over her. Don't let her string you along for an ego boost. She's not going to change her mind, and it will only hurt more to see her with another fellow. Yea iv defo been relegated to the friend zone for the forseable future and what you say about seeing her with another guy is what is playing on my mind, i was thinking of backing off ( didn't really want to go to lunch today but didn't want to say no and not really sure why she was so quick in asking me either tbh??? ) so your basically saying stay in touch but at a long distance? Out of intrest what makes you say she is just stringing me along for an ego boast? ( sorry prob a stupid question as the answer is staring me in the face i guess but being in the situ i just cant see it!! )
shexy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I think that happens with both men and women - you meet someone that you have a lot in common with, you have fun, but there's no physical attraction. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, she didn't feel it going anywhere romantically. I've had experiences like that, and the shoe has been on the other foot where I was feeling it, but the guy wasn't. If you can be friends with her without developing any romantic feelings, that's good, you may have a great friend for life. If not, I really wouldn't attempt a friendship, because you'll just feel hurt when she's out dating other guys.
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 It hard to say why a person can be all giddy for a few dates, then just want to be friends. There may be nothing wrong with you....maybe she got cold feet over it working so good. I've seen people do that many times. They expect it all to crash and burn....but it all works out perfectly....then they are like Oh crap...no what do I do. Was there ANY physical contact during the 4 dates? I get the feeling she expects to have that very rare electric chemistry with a guy as soon as she meets him ( iv had once in all the people iv dated but that only ended up in a one night stand ).. Iv been out with quite a few women/ on dozens of dates and this situation is really unlike any in the past as we get on so damn well/ intrested in the same things/ looking for the same etc, i actually don't believe in chemistry the first few times you hang out with someone as easy come easy go, hell of a lot of relships start off as friends/working together etc compared to online dating.. I would really normally walk and cut contact in this situ even if i really like them ( and do have other people intrested ) but something makes me question that approach this time!!!! As for physical contact, weird one as she puts her hand on my arm quite a bit as we chat and then a hug when we go our ways but not kissed which is not right after four dates imo... Update : had a txt from her three hours after leaving her place basically asking if i got home okay ( only live 20 mins down the road!! ) that i will be pleased to know she has shaved her legs.. why tell me that?? and her whole family love me...
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I think that happens with both men and women - you meet someone that you have a lot in common with, you have fun, but there's no physical attraction. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, she didn't feel it going anywhere romantically. I've had experiences like that, and the shoe has been on the other foot where I was feeling it, but the guy wasn't. If you can be friends with her without developing any romantic feelings, that's good, you may have a great friend for life. If not, I really wouldn't attempt a friendship, because you'll just feel hurt when she's out dating other guys. That's the prob.. not sure if i could handle her seeing other guys but at the same time we could be such great mates and whilst i think if we had meet in a more normal way ( aka thru a friend for example ) we would have started out as friends and then what would be would be it has somewhat screwed the situ meeting online...
ses Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Yea iv defo been relegated to the friend zone for the forseable future and what you say about seeing her with another guy is what is playing on my mind, i was thinking of backing off ( didn't really want to go to lunch today but didn't want to say no and not really sure why she was so quick in asking me either tbh??? ) so your basically saying stay in touch but at a long distance? Out of intrest what makes you say she is just stringing me along for an ego boast? ( sorry prob a stupid question as the answer is staring me in the face i guess but being in the situ i just cant see it!! ) No worries. The question isn't stupid. The reason I said it was due to her statement that she "wants to see where things go" in the future. I think I've used that excuse before to let down a guy when I didn't want to be direct and hurt his feelings. She feels nothing for you so a door shouldn't be left open, and false hope shouldn't be created. I remember at 19 I had a guy (my best friend at the time) tell me to just wait. I did wait for feelings to materialize on his side, but they never did. He was too much of a coward to just tell me the truth, and I ended up really hurt because I let my feelings develop.
shexy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I get the feeling she expects to have that very rare electric chemistry with a guy as soon as she meets him ( iv had once in all the people iv dated but that only ended up in a one night stand ).. As for physical contact, weird one as she puts her hand on my arm quite a bit as we chat and then a hug when we go our ways but not kissed which is not right after four dates imo... Update : had a txt from her three hours after leaving her place basically asking if i got home okay ( only live 20 mins down the road!! ) that i will be pleased to know she has shaved her legs.. why tell me that?? and her whole family love me... I think she is flattered by the attention you're giving her...and she does genuinely think you're nice and all. But if she's not feeling the big spark she's obviously looking for, it'll never become a romantic thing for her. And in the meantime, you kind of like her, so you'll be hurt while shes out dating other guys. I'd leave it alone if it were me.
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I think she is flattered by the attention you're giving her...and she does genuinely think you're nice and all. But if she's not feeling the big spark she's obviously looking for, it'll never become a romantic thing for her. And in the meantime, you kind of like her, so you'll be hurt while shes out dating other guys. I'd leave it alone if it were me. Yea i think your right about dating other guys, thing is since she told me last night iv backed right off, ie : she was the one that wanted me to come to lunch/meet her family/ calling me before i even was due at her place today, txting me as i hadn't txt her when i got home etc and also i made a point of talking more to her family than with her today... I get the attention thing but she seems to be more chasing me than vice versa since she said she didn't feel any chemistry.. so what gives?? Normally with online dating if someone tells you they aren't intrested in you then you never hear from them again ( from experience ) so why does she keep in contact?? everyone i know who do online dating do it to try and meet someone special.. not make new friends....
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 No worries. The question isn't stupid. The reason I said it was due to her statement that she "wants to see where things go" in the future. I think I've used that excuse before to let down a guy when I didn't want to be direct and hurt his feelings. She feels nothing for you so a door shouldn't be left open, and false hope shouldn't be created. I remember at 19 I had a guy (my best friend at the time) tell me to just wait. I did wait for feelings to materialize on his side, but they never did. He was too much of a coward to just tell me the truth, and I ended up really hurt because I let my feelings develop. Guess im just a decent guy but if i didn't want to hurt someone's feelings in the long run in the past iv been upfront and said im not intrested and cut contact, saying your an amazing good looking guy with really deep blue eyes etc but i don't fancy you thou i want to hang out/be friends and see where it goes seems to be the worst of all worlds for the other guy/girl imo.... In the past iv either had people want to go out with me or not intrested and cut contact... what she is doing is a new one on me tbh....
phineas Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Guess im just a decent guy but if i didn't want to hurt someone's feelings in the long run in the past iv been upfront and said im not intrested and cut contact, saying your an amazing good looking guy with really deep blue eyes etc but i don't fancy you thou i want to hang out/be friends and see where it goes seems to be the worst of all worlds for the other guy/girl imo.... In the past iv either had people want to go out with me or not intrested and cut contact... what she is doing is a new one on me tbh.... I've been in this situation a few times. She doesn't know what she wants but she loves the attention & flirting between the two of you. She may have a FWB who won't commit or she has a list of guys she wants to date first & keeping you back burnered just in case. Every time I got in this situation the woman got jealous when another woman showed interest & went off the deep end if that woman was hotter than her. Sometimes they said they wanted to date to keep me from dating the other woman but then said they wanted to take it slow. errr. we've been friends for months, how much slower can you go? Those situations did not end well for me by the way. Hang out with her if you want, but every time you do she will have tons of guys hitting on her if she's really attractive. If you can handle it fine. I personally, can be friends with a woman as long as she doesn't do things like text she shaved her legs, flirts with me & keeps her hands off me. I've started hanging out with 3 women from work my age. All hot. None of them flirt with me, none of them touch me inappropriately, they don't cock-block & I don't either. Hell, i'm the only person they never hug hello or good bye. Which is fine cause i'm not a huggy guy other than family. Now, i'm not saying I wouldn't sleep with them if they offered But i'll never go for it, i'll never interfere when another guy hits on one of them (and guys flock to these women in droves) I expect them to do the same if i'm talking to a pretty girl also. The only downside is when we do hang out they literally are the most attractive women in our age group in the place. I've only just started hanging out with them so I am just starting to get to know them but so far it seems cool.
Floridita Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 My only question is, who meets the family that fast??
amkxoxo Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I hate the dreaded "lets just see where it goes" because it gives them all the control. Its like you date forever until they make a descision. I wanted a relationship and my guy did that to me. Now we've been long distance and I think our "dating" is going south It seems like she is unsure of what she wants, but she is giving you a chance. The fact that she invited you over is a good thing. She probably wanted to see how you interacted with her family and if you fit in. From what you said it sounds like you did, which is good for you. Be careful though, because there's no commitment. These "lets see where it goes" people will hurt you, because one night they are all about you and spending time with you, and another night they go out with their friends and act like you don't matter because there's no title to what you are. I am just warning you because I'm dealing with the aftershocks of it right now. They will drive you to be paranoid because you question all the time "oh do they like me?" today and then the next day they are all for you. Don't let her use you. It seems pretty promising though if she introduced you to her family, because that eludes some commitment and when people bring you home they expect you to stick around for a while. Good Luck I hope it works out for you.
RedRobin Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I get the attention thing but she seems to be more chasing me than vice versa since she said she didn't feel any chemistry.. so what gives?? Normally with online dating if someone tells you they aren't intrested in you then you never hear from them again ( from experience ) so why does she keep in contact?? everyone i know who do online dating do it to try and meet someone special.. not make new friends.... I'm online to meet new friends and activity partners... I haven't necessarily ruled out something developing down the road... but that window is so far down the road that I have to tell the guy I'm not interested in 'dating'. These days, 'dating' in the US is you jump into bed with near strangers then cross your fingers. That is not me. It is also not 'me' to have to constantly fend some guy off while I'm getting to know him... So, at least in the online scenario, I much prefer being the above while I get to know them... and that could take awhile. IRL, I don't date strangers. Long story short... Maybe she needs to get to know someone first. I don't see how this is any different than multi-dating. It's not like she's saying you can't get sex elsewhere or that you have to stop dating others.
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 My only question is, who meets the family that fast?? Well i wasn't gonna go for the lunch tbh then thought that a good starting place to be friends by chilling out, making a good impression/getting on well with her family so that they then ask/ mention me at times down the road, esp when her family meet the next guy she takes home and he doesn't ( hopefully )make such a good impression etc with them would be another plus for me in the boyfriend stakes long term. Day went really well i reckon and just as i wanted it to pan out esp as her mum was making it very clear she wants me to come over again and was telling the girl that she thinks im really nice and the most easiest going and easy to get on with guy she has ever bought home including her last long term boyfriend.. ( accidently overheard this last bit when i was upstairs in the bathroom and they were chatting outside in the garden below )
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I hate the dreaded "lets just see where it goes" because it gives them all the control. Its like you date forever until they make a descision. I wanted a relationship and my guy did that to me. Now we've been long distance and I think our "dating" is going south It seems like she is unsure of what she wants, but she is giving you a chance. The fact that she invited you over is a good thing. She probably wanted to see how you interacted with her family and if you fit in. From what you said it sounds like you did, which is good for you. Be careful though, because there's no commitment. These "lets see where it goes" people will hurt you, because one night they are all about you and spending time with you, and another night they go out with their friends and act like you don't matter because there's no title to what you are. I am just warning you because I'm dealing with the aftershocks of it right now. They will drive you to be paranoid because you question all the time "oh do they like me?" today and then the next day they are all for you. Don't let her use you. It seems pretty promising though if she introduced you to her family, because that eludes some commitment and when people bring you home they expect you to stick around for a while. Good Luck I hope it works out for you. That was a totally weird one asking me over on sunday for lunch with her family 3 minutes after telling me she wants to be friends hang out/do stuff as friends but with no expectations either way how things might turn out between us, to me if i said that to someone i sure as hell would wait a few days ( next week in her case as the family have gone abroad on hols this week ) then perhaps suggest meeting up... not be so keen to see the guy the very next day !! Few things i forgot to mention is she said in her txt ( the one about shaving her legs ) that i would be pleased to know that she has shaved her legs and is a few ilbs lighter!! not the kinda txt i expect to get from a female friend esp someone iv only just met a few times!!.. also she said it was really good to see me. i sent a reply that eve and she then replied to that one an hour later which i haven't replied to, seems a hell of a lot of txting/contact very quick from her after saying what she did... Also when we were at the table chatting with her family after the meal like you do at one point our arms were resting against each other on the table, she noticed it straight away but didn't pull her arm away for several minutes after she realized they were touching... I will play the long game on this one i reckon, pull right back, treat her like a friend, make myself a lot less available to her, send her short easy going personal txts now and again given new things about what im upto and asking something about her week etc, date other people, suggest doing something fun now and again with her so i can throw in some discreet flirting/ touching and go with that.. GOOD BAD or any other ideas how to play it??
fishtaco Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Ahh, the games people play. She's not interested in you romantically, but you have some value to her, either the free attention or maybe something else. But one thing for sure, right now, you're out. And you know that. Anyway, be friends with her if you like, as long as it doesn't cut into your real dating time. Yes, maybe one day you two can become great friends, but great friends don't just happen. You BOTH have to work on the friendship and grow it. So treat her accordingly. If she's not a great friend yet, then don't give her the priority of a great friend. Go do your thing. Put her out of your mind, and go date a bunch of other women. If she truely wants to be your friend then she should cheer you on, maybe even help you, and know when to step back to give you space.
phineas Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Ahh, the games people play. She's not interested in you romantically, but you have some value to her, either the free attention or maybe something else. But one thing for sure, right now, you're out. And you know that. Anyway, be friends with her if you like, as long as it doesn't cut into your real dating time. Yes, maybe one day you two can become great friends, but great friends don't just happen. You BOTH have to work on the friendship and grow it. So treat her accordingly. If she's not a great friend yet, then don't give her the priority of a great friend. Go do your thing. Put her out of your mind, and go date a bunch of other women. If she truely wants to be your friend then she should cheer you on, maybe even help you, and know when to step back to give you space. This is important. She should be playing the part of Barny in How I met your mother. tapping women on the shoulder and saying " Have you met wildtrac77?" I've also met a few women who say "hey, we are friends" then expect to be moved to the top of the totem pole. Yeah, I don't think so. 1
Ripnet Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 If don't get a kiss by the 2nd date there is no spark. I would stop seeing this woman unless you plan on just being friends.
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 This is important. She should be playing the part of Barny in How I met your mother. tapping women on the shoulder and saying " Have you met wildtrac77?" I've also met a few women who say "hey, we are friends" then expect to be moved to the top of the totem pole. Yeah, I don't think so. Yea your right, if she is thinking :Oh wildtrac77 is this great company/ good looking guy etc etc and she defo only see's me as a friend in the future then she should be thinking about/ trying to set me up with any single female friends she has, if she doesn't and i go off and start dating someone else and she goes off on one then there is the answer i guess..
SuperGeek Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 (edited) anytime a girl complains about chemistry not being there early on... it won't ever work. If you can be friends with her, cool. But I wouldn't pursue it. It's strange she even said all that. A lot of women just go into 'ignore' mode and then after a few days the hint is received. Dating can be brutal. I'm out of the game right now myself. Sooooooooo tired of it. Edited June 19, 2013 by SuperGeek
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 Ahh, the games people play. She's not interested in you romantically, but you have some value to her, either the free attention or maybe something else. But one thing for sure, right now, you're out. And you know that. Anyway, be friends with her if you like, as long as it doesn't cut into your real dating time. Yes, maybe one day you two can become great friends, but great friends don't just happen. You BOTH have to work on the friendship and grow it. So treat her accordingly. If she's not a great friend yet, then don't give her the priority of a great friend. Go do your thing. Put her out of your mind, and go date a bunch of other women. If she truely wants to be your friend then she should cheer you on, maybe even help you, and know when to step back to give you space. Yea im defo out for the moment! Out of intrest what type of things when you say : something else?? Only way the friends thing will work is keeping it cool for now with little contact but enough to keep me in her mind and wonder what im upto but your point about not being a great friend and treating her accordingly to start with is a very good one as the way she acted ( ie : asking me over to lunch the next day to meet her family/ contents of the txts that etc ) isn't the way I would go about starting off a friendship with someone ( and in all the female friends iv got over the years its never been so ott to start with ).
Author wildtrac77 Posted June 19, 2013 Author Posted June 19, 2013 anytime a girl complains about chemistry not being there early on... it won't ever work. If you can be friends with her, cool. But I wouldn't pursue it. It's strange she even said all that. A lot of women just go into 'ignore' mode and then after a few days the hint is received. Dating can be brutal. I'm out of the game right now myself. Sooooooooo tired of it. Yep whole thing is weird for sure as ( see my last post above ) even if she just does want to be friends you wouldn't think she would be so keen to see the guy the next day and have him meet her family/ txting him about stuff like what the family think of you, her legs, etc etc, even had one before I got there in the morning as I said I would be over between 1/2 pm and didn't rush but at 1-40 had a call ( didn't answer as driving ) then txt asking where I was and that her mother was missing me :-) .. what the hell?? My experiences are like you say above.. either a girl is keen or she isn't and she goes cool and you don't hear from her for a while and even if she wants to stay friends you don't hear from her much if at all for a few weeks later at best then perhaps you start talking again..
phineas Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Yea your right, if she is thinking :Oh wildtrac77 is this great company/ good looking guy etc etc and she defo only see's me as a friend in the future then she should be thinking about/ trying to set me up with any single female friends she has, if she doesn't and i go off and start dating someone else and she goes off on one then there is the answer i guess.. Friendzone her. Most guys would of told her "I got enough friends" and she knows this. my experience is she thinks your a desperate chump if you stick around. so friendzone her & show her where she is on the totem pole. For me it's: Good friends women who want to date friends women who want to hook up women who just want to be friends. acquaintances / people I work with. It takes at least a yr to reach the friend category for me. NEVER hang out with them alone at either of your places unless she comes onto you first. Invite her out to hang with you and your friends & also avoid psudo-dates like dinner & a movie. NEVER pay for her either. Make her your +1 for events like charities or other events where you need a female counterpart to get in the door or not look gay by bringing a guy friend. When I did this I was in my 20's & did in fact end up with them eventually & I also had some fun with other women until that happened. which I know made them want me. The worse those woman treated me the more in her mind she started thinking she could treat me better. Like I said earlier, i've been hanging around a group of women and they all say "a friend" when mentioning a guy they know, but after a few beers they start talking amongst themselves about why they friendzoned the guy and I feel sorry for these guys. Not because the women are taking advantage of them, but because they let these women do it. 1
ChatroomHero Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Well i wasn't gonna go for the lunch tbh then thought that a good starting place to be friends by chilling out, making a good impression/getting on well with her family so that they then ask/ mention me at times down the road, esp when her family meet the next guy she takes home and he doesn't ( hopefully )make such a good impression etc with them would be another plus for me in the boyfriend stakes long term. Day went really well i reckon and just as i wanted it to pan out esp as her mum was making it very clear she wants me to come over again and was telling the girl that she thinks im really nice and the most easiest going and easy to get on with guy she has ever bought home including her last long term boyfriend.. ( accidently overheard this last bit when i was upstairs in the bathroom and they were chatting outside in the garden below ) If you want her to like you, you should concentrate on making her family hate you. The quickest way to peak her interest is to have her mom say, "I don't like him. You shouldn't hang out with him", not the other way around. Her mom liking you is the kiss of death in your situation. In fact, if you play your cards right you could call her mom a total b*tch and rag on the rest of her family and trick her into sleeping with you.
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