O/W success stories?

[2ndConfusedfemale]

I was just reading the latest threads and it made me wonder, are there any success stories of the MM actually leaving his wife? And is it that people don't really consider it happy since someone usually gets hurt in the process? Is it not posted here because it is just that rare? Has anyone ever got their MM and realized it wasn't what it was cracked up to be? Has anyone ever did it the "right way" and told the MM they will not be romantically involved until he gets the divorce and he gets it? How long did it take?

 

here's a little background on me. I have never dated a married man, so I'm not asking because of that. I was involved with someone who has a girlfriend (I didn't know about her) and once I found out we stopped talking/seeing each other for 5 months. He came back in Aug. and I told him that I wouldn't voluntarily be his O/W (although he wanted to talk/date regularily and go further) so we agreed that since our chemistry is too strong it'll probably be best to minimize contact. I do sometimes want him to be out of a relationship, not necessarily to be "my boyfriend" because I'm not ready for a serious relationship, but I do want him to be out of it so that I can date him, etc. w/o feeling second, guilty, selfish, stupid, insecure and all of those other feelings that comes along with dating someone who isn't "yours".

 

back to the point, I know that obviously people do not ALWAYS stay with their wives since the divorce rate is so high. I just wanted to hear some stories. And I do know that one o/w "success" is SOME married women's nightmare so this thread isn't for that kind of thing. thx.

[MMBastard]

i thought mine was gonna be a "success" story up until sunday but.......anyways, to answer your question - i guess mostly people in emotional need come to this forum.......once that is filled by either the OP (who possibly has become the no.1 person) or the W/H....they don't need to come here no more to vent.......kinda hypocritical.....one member actually suggested my now exOW and I post a thread as a "success story/happy ending"......wicked, huh?

 

Just my .02

[2ndConfusedfemale]

Originally posted by MMBastard

i thought mine was gonna be a "success" story up until sunday but.......anyways, to answer your question - i guess mostly people in emotional need come to this forum.......once that is filled by either the OP (who possibly has become the no.1 person) or the W/H....they don't need to come here no more to vent.......kinda hypocritical.....one member actually suggested my now exOW and I post a thread as a "success story/happy ending"......wicked, huh?

 

Just my .02

 

oh, so you were the MM? How long were you and the o/w together? And why is she now the "exOW? (if I'm not being to nosey?)" And I agree about when people come here because when I found out about the guy having a girlfriend I was here almost daily, then I stopped (I guess once I started 'dealing with it') but soon as he came back I was right back here seeking opinions/advice. And now that I've made a decision, I'm still here (I guess it's because I still wonder if I made the right one, and I still think about the whole 'love something let it go' philosophy). But I like giving my .02 so I think that I might be checking in regularly now.

[MMBastard]

this is the thread explaining my bullsh*t:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t47819/

 

and to get the newest

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49406/

 

it's quite fun .....even my exOW participated in the thread.......

[whistlewitch]

Hi, I have once posted my "success" story in May this year which caused some very upset replies by some other users here, but I still want to tell it again:

 

I have known my boyfriend for 10 years and since we first met he has been my best friend. 3 years ago we fell in love - I had been in an unhappy relationship, but honestly did not plan to fall in love with my friend since he was married and I also have known his wife for many years. I never wanted to destroy a marriage. Still, it happened. Unexpectedly and very strongly. To make a long story short: I have been his OW for 2 1/2 years, with lots of ups and downs. All of us, including his wife, have been crying our eyes out after he had told her he had fallen in love with me. He tried to break up with me and save his marriage, but it didn't work. He went to a psychologist. I couldn’t talk to anyone except some people on the internet, I was trying to be neutral, to let him find his own way and what was best for him, but it was very very painful and often didn't work. October last year he broke up with his wife. I thought now we would be together, but after a couple of days he broke up with me as well, saying he was just incapable of having ANY relationship at this time. He came back after a couple of weeks, but still we were not really together (he had his own room in another town, but still spent some of the weekends and Xmas with his wife which upset me very much). In March I broke up with him saying I couldn't stand the situation anymore. He said he could understand. It was the saddest time of my life. Not only had I lost my lover, but also my best friend who had been a very important part of my life. I have been heartbroken before, but that was NOTHING compared to the pain I was going through then...

On May 2nd this year he suddenly came walking into my life again. Out of the blue, he appeared in my room. We had a coffee like in the good old days and then he fell to his knees, pulled out a diamond ring and asked me to marry him! This is honest to god the truth. I was shocked and pleased and everything at the same time and I still have not accepted his proposal, but since then he has been living with me and we are very, very happy. Of course there are still downs. I still feel awful for having cheated on his wife. The first few weeks I had awful nightmares that he would leave me again and woke up in panic, asking him if he would stay. His family is very upset and has hardly ever contacted him since. His wife is of course still very upset. But our friends here are still our friends and step by step we are re-gaining a kind of everyday life. It's great. I hope it will last forever. I don't want to cause or experience a pain that strong ever again.

Yes, I do believe he will stay with me. We have both gone through very hard times, but things are stabilizing now and there are no secrets anymore. I would not recommend any OW to wait for her MM to leave his wife. I know most of the times it doesn’t work out. But for me it did and despite all the pain it has caused to everyone, I am really really happy about that.

[2Confuzed]

Whistlewitch,

That is wonderful. How I wish I could be telling that story.

[whistlewitch]

Yeah, it is nice I can tell that story. I still wish very much we had met when we were singles and everything would not have been so painful and complicated. But at least I know now that he was serious about loving me and I was not just his f****bunny I am sure though, no matter if you get your MM in the end or not, that it is possible to come over stories like this and to find the one who is right for you in the end

[MMBastard]

It's very cool that things worked out for you. Although his wife was the most hurt in all of this, things just happen a certain way sometimes. I guess it all comes down to being a good judge of character - knowing your MM and what he is capable of. I read tons of stories here where OW were hurt and devastated by their MM....and it mostly is the case....very, very rarely will the MM leave their spouse. I would say that 99% of the outcome in the MM/OW relationship is on the MM. However, that 1% that is up to the OW can make all the difference. Getting out of a marriage, no matter how unhappy it is, is a doubt filled, scary process and the support of the person he cares most for (if that's the OW) can be a deciding factor. Before all exOW start typing frantically telling me "So, we should just be there for him, and then get heartbroken at the end?". NO, but go back to top - you know your MM, judge their character.

 

Good luck y'all.

[whistlewitch]

...jeees, what a nickname... I'm sure you are not as bad as it sounds!

 

The numbers I have heard of are always 4% of outcome for the OW, but I have no clue who did those statistics and I think it is very hard to judge the real number. I have known some "success" stories by now, but most of them were not so desperate to post in an internet forum or maybe also just afraid to publish their experiences (mind you, I come from Europe but post in an American forum which of course also gives me a bit more anonymity.) I don't know if the stories here are the everage or just the most desperate cases.

 

However, I think if you are really stuck in a relationship like that, being the OW, it is VERY hard to judge his character... I have known my boyfriend for many many years, but while I was the OW I found it extremely hard to predict what he would do. I knew he was not a playboy, he never had a relationship before his wife and he wasn't a womanizer, but still I didn't stay with him because I was sure he was going to leave his wife, but just because felt I just could not leave him. The funny thing is that he came to me for real after I had almost given up hope to keep him even as a friend.

 

It was very very hard and painful to leave his wife. It still is. Sometimes just a word or a memory upsets him (AND me!) very much. It was also not the case that he had a really unhappy marriage. The thing is just that we have a very similar point of view on life and things in general. We both want kids, his ex-wife didn't, to mention just one example. It's not that she is not a nice woman. She is very smart and as far as I can judge that also good-looking. They just married very early and developed in different directions. My boyfriend still says he just wished so much he had met me earlier so he wouldn't have to hurt her so much. I can only agree with that. I don't feel triumph. But I can still say that I am very happy to be with my best friend and soul mate now and I can just give him a hug in public without being afraid.

[EastCoastGirl]

whistlewitch it is soo nice you can share this story and that things have worked out for you. I wish my relationship ended that way.

[whistlewitch]

Don't give up and don't be desperate... even the worst heartache is over one day and you will be with someone you love, no matter who it will be I can imagine how you feel now but it will be OVER one day, with whichever outcome. I always found that kinda comforting...

 

Hey, are there no other success stories out there??? Really makes me wonder...

[2ndConfusedfemale]

yes, I'm wondering too. I thought for sure that when I started this thread there would be SOME stories countering the horror stories. Who knows? I mean I can't help but think that SOME men do leave their wives considering the high divorce rates? My story isn't a miserable one, but it's not necessarily a "success." He's still with his girlfriend, but we aren't on nonspeaking terms, I find myself at peace, and feeling so good at times (and when I feel this way I think is this because I know that it's over, or that it is just beginning), although I do still wonder what are the odds of him being available when I am "ready" for a relationship. I also find myself entertaining thoughts that he can't be "that happy" since he was with me since the beginning of their relationship, and when he went w/o seeing me for 5months, and talking to me for 3 he still came back. So yes, sometimes I do still hope that maybe one day we'll get a chance. But I also know that if we don't we didn't "part" and if we don't talk we COULD so everything is okay.

 

So who knows? Maybe the "success story" will be me and him ending up together (later), or me meeting "the one" and realizing that he was never someone I was supposed to be involved in a relationship with. OR maybe the success story will be us becoming good friends at the end of the day, or us not talking again and not caring.

[Worked for me....]

I met my MM through work about 6 months ago. We started with e-mails and then short phones. Those turned into longer and longer e-mails and phone calls. Eventually we both realized that we loved eachother. We had been 'talking' for over a month and we had never met face to face. We sent pictures but that was it. Fianlly we met face to face adn we got along just I knew we would. We did not fool around that night AT ALL.

 

A few weeks later we desiced that it could not go on like it was. I told him that either he leave or we need to not be friends anymore. I loved him immensely and we had shared secrets with eachother that no one else knew BUT I was not going to continue to be the woman on the side. He moved out the following weekend.

 

He stayed at his parents and we went on 'dates' for about a month. Finally we decided that it was stupid for him to do all this driving when we plan on being together forever. Why not be together now? So he moved in.

 

I was really tough going as he has a 2 year old daughter and his wife was using her to try and get him to come home. (IE Your missing you daughter grow up, etc.) He had to struggle with a lot of guilt because he always thought that he was supposed to provide for his family. That THEY needed to be happy and he needed to make sure that happened for them. All while forgetting that this was HIS life and he needed to find happiness for himself, too. It got to the point that when it was time to go and get his daughter he would have panic attacks. I started to question if he COULD be with me. Not that he WANTED to but if his mind could prcess the guilt into being able to feel settled. And I could not watch him go through it one more time.

 

He left the house for a week and stayed with is parents again. No contact for that week. It was hell. Finally he realized that he would not be doing his family any good staying there thinking he was doing the right thing. He could not take care of his daughter properly if he was not taking care of himself. How can he teach his daughter to be happy when he would not allow himself to feel it?

 

The past fews months have been better than I ever imagined AND quite a struggle. The ex-wife is now dating and we take his daughter every other weekend. Having her is tough sometimes as I was/am not sure if I even want kids and to have to take care of someone elses is tough. Plus you have the constant reminder of his wife. Like a piece of her is sleeping in the next room . Literally. Very tough indeed. Everything we do is based on his schedule with her and sometimes I get very jealous. Not to mention that the child support payments are unbelievable. Don't get me wrong, I am very proud of him that he wants to be with her and is not one of those guys who just tries to 'forget' their kids when tey find someone else. That is one of the reasons WHY I love him as much as I do.

 

I have no idea what his relationship with his wife was like. He said he was unhappy and there was mention of her leaving him a few years back (Obviously they got back together). Other than that, it's not my business and I don't want to know. If I have specific questions, I ask and he is more than willing to tell. Beyond that, we take care of us and his daughter, when we have her.

 

OW have to keep in mind that there is a reality to keeping your MM. If he truly is what you have always wanted and needed for yourself and it's not just about 'winning' then it can be great. As long as he feels the same way. I held my ground and demanded proof. If he does stay with you it will not immediatley and forever be a party with streamers and balloons. It's tough and it will take a long time to be looked at as the woman in his life and not just the 'one he left his wife for'.

 

Best of luck!!!

 

K

[DAYANDNIGHT]

I had an affair with a married man for 1 year and 8 months and we had a child together and i love this man more than i ever loved and he did leave his wife to be with my son and me and we are doing good, I know its hard to believe that there is sometimes something great out of an affair or cheating but sometimes thats where u find the love of ur life.....speaking for myself... but I am enjoying my life along side the man of my dreams....my married man..Good Luck and iI hope to hear more great stories like my own..God bless....

[anothersuccess]

After falling in love with a MM we decided that it was best for him to be happy. He chose to be with me. Hes filed for divorce and is living with me. We even plan on the possiblitity of getting married in the future. We are taking it one step and one day at a time.

[whistlewitch]

I was wondering already...

 

Now, just out of interest, I would like to know: How long have you known your MM before you fell in love? And how long have you been together now? I must say that I am sometimes a bit suspicious if people fall madly in love after knowing the other person for half a day, but even these things seem to happen sometimes....

 

How do you deal with his ex-wife? How does he deal with her? My bf tries to keep up a friendship with her, which I would also appreciate because I feel guilty enough already being the cause for their break-up (although it is never just ONE person's fault...). I don't want to cause any more pain than necessary and I do respect his ex, although that might sound odd. I still don't know if a future friendship with her can really work out, though, but I am hoping strongly for that.

 

Yesterday my boyfriend asked me if life with him was the way I had imagined and if it wasn't great that he didn't have to leave anymore in the evenings. I could only say YES to both questions.

[Love of My Life]

My MM will remain civil with his ex because of their daughter but they will not be 'friends'. I have met her and have no problems with her or her with me. It's just going to be tough knowing she will always be part of our lives. BUT I knew that from the start and it is worth being with the man of my dreams.

 

I NEVER believed in feeling this strongly about someone. NEVER. "Soul Mates' sounds so commercial but I truly believe that he is my best friend and we will stay happy forever. We blend like I never could have imagined.

 

K

[whistlewitch]

Well, I am very good friends with MY ex, so I can hardly hold it against my bf if he tries the same with his. The only difference is I haven't been married.

 

How long have you been together now, K., and how long have you known each other?

 

I can only agree on the soul mate and best friend bit I know what you mean.

[Karen75]

We have known eachother for 6 months been together for 5 months and lived together for the past 2. This has been a fast moving relationship and we have been through a LOT in the past few months. More than what most people go through in a lifetime.

 

BUT this about me knowing me and how I deal with things. How I have dealt with things in the past and how much different it feels now. I've never been with someone for this amount of time and not had one single moment feeling "God, I can't WAIT till I have a minute ALONE!!" I don't feel that with him. Never have and don't think I will. I crave him physically and emotionally. Mind you, there are things about him that I do not necessarily like but I have been more accepting with him than any other. I do not feel any jealousy or fear. I don't ever feel alone or that I have to censor what I say to him. It's a wonderful feeling. I feel bad saying this but I was married before and looking back I think that I did myself a great injustice saying "I do" to someone that I didn't feel this way about.

 

Sometimes I find it very hard to explain the way I feel about him so for the most part I don't tell anyone. HE knows that he is my perfect puzzle piece and that's what matters most.

 

K