where to start Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 It's been just over 3 months since I found out that my husband had been having a long term physical and emotional affair. We've been going through the motions of reconciliation, (some days trying more then others) but for the most part we've both been putting in the effort. It was our anniversary a few weeks ago. That was hard for me to handle. Since it was during the week, we just had a simple dinner at home with the children and tried to make the most of it. Quite honestly, I couldn't wait for it to be over. Then there's today, Father's Day. As I was looking across the breakfast table at him laughing and joking with the boys I felt so angry. It should have been one of those "precious moments", but instead I was reminded about how he lied and betrayed us. I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve times like these. Most days I'm still angry or sad. I feel like I want to get past this but can't decide if I'm ever going to be able to. I guess my question for you all is when will I know? In your experience, how long was it that you chose to reconcile before either things got better or you made the decision to divorce?
underwater2010 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I am officially a year out from dday. Father's Day was only a few days after dday for us. It was so difficult. I made things from the kids and did the same for his birthday. You are so new to this. It took me a little over 6 months to get past the everyday anger and tears. Try took take it one day at a time. And try to hide the pain from the kids if you can. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 It's been just over 3 months since I found out that my husband had been having a long term physical and emotional affair. We've been going through the motions of reconciliation, (some days trying more then others) but for the most part we've both been putting in the effort. It was our anniversary a few weeks ago. That was hard for me to handle. Since it was during the week, we just had a simple dinner at home with the children and tried to make the most of it. Quite honestly, I couldn't wait for it to be over. Then there's today, Father's Day. As I was looking across the breakfast table at him laughing and joking with the boys I felt so angry. It should have been one of those "precious moments", but instead I was reminded about how he lied and betrayed us. I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve times like these. Most days I'm still angry or sad. I feel like I want to get past this but can't decide if I'm ever going to be able to. I guess my question for you all is when will I know? In your experience, how long was it that you chose to reconcile before either things got better or you made the decision to divorce? Reconciliation, if done properly, can take 2 to 5 years. Three months is a drop in the bucket, and your feelings are completely normal. For BS, it does resemble PTSD and the roller coaster of emotions can overlap for quite some time. We ALL want to get over it faster but please accept it is a process that takes TIME. For me, I was NOT at peace for close to 3 years. Are you in IC? MC? Do you have all the details you need to know? Is your spouse remorseful and transparent? Because it is NOT just about TIME passing. It is what YOU do with that time that matters and can strengthen a marriage affected by infidelity. 1
Author where to start Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 Thanks, Spark. I have read here several times that it can take 2 to 5 years. That just feels like such a long time to be unsure to me. I'm the type of person who likes facts or statistics. Unfortunately, all the facts I read don't make much sense to me. Some say stay and some say go. I know this is a terrible way to make a decision, but it seems to be how my mind is approaching this. I have also head here that there seem to be so many women who aren't further away from d-day then I am and seem to be doing just fine. I know I shouldn't compare myself to them, but its hard not to. We both have IC once a week and then he tries to see us together once every other, its just hard with the kids and school ending and baseball games, etc. I know its important, so I keep it on the calendar. I keep waiting for the day to come when I wake up and feel better, but so far that hasn't happened. I kind of feel like I'm living in limbo if that makes any sense. I read someplace where someone was asked to try and remember what the first few days were like compared to now. When I try and do it I remember they were worse then today, but today is still pretty bad. I know that if I keep looking back at d-day to gauge my progress it will seem like there is always some progress being made, but at this rate I'll feel like garbage for years and years. I feel like I trusted my gut when I met him and fell in love. I trusted myself again when I married him. Now I'm not sure whether to trust my gut again or not. And even then, I'm not sure what my gut is even saying. It's very trying.
Author where to start Posted June 18, 2013 Author Posted June 18, 2013 I am officially a year out from dday. Father's Day was only a few days after dday for us. It was so difficult. I made things from the kids and did the same for his birthday. You are so new to this. It took me a little over 6 months to get past the everyday anger and tears. Try took take it one day at a time. And try to hide the pain from the kids if you can. I think I'm past crying every day, at least I hope I am. How did you make it through 6 months of that? Didn't it ever cross your mind to leave? I think that is where I'm at right now. One day I'm staying and the next I'm emotionally packed and out the door. Some days I feel like I'm waiting for a sign that never comes, so I just stay hoping that it comes soon. This is by far the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
underwater2010 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I kept busy with work and the kids. I talked about it with him whenever I needed to. There are still times that I wonder where this is going, but he is trying and I feel that my kids are worth it. It is a hard decision and one that you cannot take lightly. Reconciliation is not right for everyone. And he has to be all in too.
seren Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Where to start, we are all but 6 years on from D Day. We are happy, in love, like, lust and the future looks bright, BUT, the A will always be a part of our marriage history, we cannot undo it, no matter how badly H wants to. He was talking about how he felt the other day and had a full blown anxiety attack, complete with palpitations, this is from an ex military, roughty, toughty 26 years service man, who has faced death and worse, yet the thought of what he did by having an A reduces him to such pain. He can never erase what he did, I wish he could, I am able to talk about the A and it has long ceased to have the power to make me feel as it once did. That took around 3 years, as Spark said, there is no quick fix. At times it all felt surreal, we would be so happy, laughing, loving and Bab! it hit me, H has had an A and it would feel like a bucket of cold water had be thrown at me, we learned to recognise what were triggers and talk about how we felt. We tackled our reconciliation together and it was the joint effort that helped us make it. 3 months is so, so early on, at that stage I was still feeling like a zombie, throwing up and feeling I had been sucker punched. The bonding and all that goes with it was great, but we both recognised that we were like two people drowning and holding on for all we were worth. Don't hide how you feel, if you need to talk, then talk, if you feel angry then say so and if you need answers then he has to give them to you. I so, so hate A's and the destruction they bring to people, it makes me so mad that such hurt is caused. Marriages can work after an A, not because of one, but despite one. Look it square in the face for what it was, understand it (if you can), then take it apart, bit by bit and rebuild your marriage, or not. Good luck, keep posting and asking, venmting and sharing. LS was invaluable to me in the early days, especially Spark and Owl and a couple of OW too. 1
Confused48 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 If you are thinking that your H may pull this again and don't want to give him that chance, don't want to trust your "gut" that same gut that has let you down before, you are not alone. Check out chumplady.com If nothing else it is good for someone in your situation to read. I'm attempting recon myself but still read it a lot. It stops me from being unrealistic about recon. It stops me from being snowed and falling for tricks of the mind that you want to fall for. That feel good to fall for.
ladydesigner Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 I am 16 months out from DDay and 7 months from last DDay. I still don't know either. Reconciliation has been brutal for us. I am still in 180 for myself, but I am in Reconciliation and we are both working to fix the M, I just needed to focus on my mental health as the multiple DDays nearly destroyed me. 2
Zenstudent Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Where to start, sorry you're here. I'm 2 years and 2 months past disaster day and it has changed my life and my relationship with my wife in so many ways. Some ways for the better and some for worse. I'm past the crying and anger phases now, also the sadness has lessened a bit. I've been in IC to help find and rebuild myself and it has been a very helpfull process. But still; I think about the betrayal each and every day, I can't help it. I have learned myself though, to get back to the present moment and find the joy in it. In this regard, I don't think that the choice to either D or R makes any difference - you have just been handed a sh** sandwich to deal with. Stay strong.
save150 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 I am 16 months out from DDay and 7 months from last DDay. I still don't know either. Reconciliation has been brutal for us. I am still in 180 for myself, but I am in Reconciliation and we are both working to fix the M, I just needed to focus on my mental health as the multiple DDays nearly destroyed me. Almost a year on my end. Your statement is practically spot on for me. With the exception of both working to fix M. I'm doing most of the work. He's not. Maybe that's why I'm here posting on the board instead of lurking which I have done for a long while. I'm getting angry at carrying all the recovery/reconciliation weight. I feel the BS gets the raw end of the deal in an A at every angle.
Confused48 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Almost a year on my end. Your statement is practically spot on for me. With the exception of both working to fix M. I'm doing most of the work. He's not. Maybe that's why I'm here posting on the board instead of lurking which I have done for a long while. I'm getting angry at carrying all the recovery/reconciliation weight. I feel the BS gets the raw end of the deal in an A at every angle. Have you tried doing the 180? Sounds like the perfect situation to use that. Both you and the OP.
It-is-what-it-is. Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 It's been just over 3 months since I found out that my husband had been having a long term physical and emotional affair. We've been going through the motions of reconciliation, (some days trying more then others) but for the most part we've both been putting in the effort. It was our anniversary a few weeks ago. That was hard for me to handle. Since it was during the week, we just had a simple dinner at home with the children and tried to make the most of it. Quite honestly, I couldn't wait for it to be over. Then there's today, Father's Day. As I was looking across the breakfast table at him laughing and joking with the boys I felt so angry. It should have been one of those "precious moments", but instead I was reminded about how he lied and betrayed us. I sometimes feel like he doesn't deserve times like these. Most days I'm still angry or sad. I feel like I want to get past this but can't decide if I'm ever going to be able to. I guess my question for you all is when will I know? In your experience, how long was it that you chose to reconcile before either things got better or you made the decision to divorce? It appears that while specific elements of infidelity may be different, successful recovery requires similar things. Remorseful WS who is committed to discovering the whys and passion to fix themselves. Willingness by the WS to ride the waves of fallout the betrayal caused. Willingness by the WS to accept full responsibility for their choices, bare the burden of the fallout. Willingness to keep NC with their AP forever. Keep transparent without grudges. Ambivalence about reconciliation on the part of the BS is to be expected. But I sense from your posts that maybe your H is not as all in as you would need to feel comfortable? You mentioned somewhere that he was in love with his AP, so maybe he has been distant and grieving their relationship? (Barf) You also mentioned that he tip toes around you - maybe you need more active displays of desire to stay with you, and his love for you to overcome? I did not see anything on how you found out, or why you both decided to reconcile, so I could be wrong. I am so sorry for your pain.
save150 Posted July 7, 2013 Posted July 7, 2013 Have you tried doing the 180? Sounds like the perfect situation to use that. Both you and the OP. What is this 180? Seen it mentioned before.
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