I'm a hopless romantic and proud of it

[amkxoxo]

For those of you that read my other thread you know I'm in a tense long distance situation with a guy. I wanted to say that I appreciate all the feedback you have given me, and I know I don't always listen to it, but my heart screams louder than my head. I know this is not what many of you were telling me to do, but I still have hope for our relationship. I sound like I can't let go and I'm weak? No I'm not. To be honest I think you guys have made me strong by telling me that I'm so much better without him. I've gotten through my head that I don't "need" him, I just want him, and I could totally be happy single too. I have friends here that have helped. I've been happier, more able to live my life, and in metaphorical terms "he's a sidedish" to my dinner. I realized that sitting around waiting for him to call or text was stupid and made me miserable and paranoid. Yes I think about him and miss him, but I'm a lot happier now when he calls or texts, because I'm out and about doing stuff for myself. He was bad at communication even when we were together and he still is now. Everytime I call him he always calls back within hours to a day. The other night shocked me. He called and was actually happy. As my other thread states we have had a tough time talking to each other, because he always seemed miserable and stressed. He also battles depression which could be a contributing factor. He was so happy. We laughed and made jokes and he asked me questions. It was easy. We were flirting like if we were together. It was nice. I feel like anyone who didn't like me would not call back but he always does. I have guts now to speak my mind. He's a bad planner. Next time we talk I'm going to ask him to make plans to see me. I want to know if he wants to see me. I'm going to be nice but I also want answers from him, no more avoiding the obvious. Its make it or break it. I still have hope. I'm riding the wave of life and if the wave dies down then I wait for the next big one to catch.

[Carenth]

I still think you are trying to force something that isn't there. You are trying to compensate for him only giving 20% (and that is being generous) by giving 80%. A relationship really shouldn't be this hard all the time, you seem to having this far more often than not and that is not a good thing.

 

Someone who likes you would communicate with you easily without you having to make excuses for why they are basically shrugging you off most of the time. Why they are always in a bad mood, except for a fleeting moment when they are not.

 

In your other threads you have spoken much about this guy and he has what many would find quite undesirable traits and he doesn't seem to treat you very well at all. So basically what I'm asking is, why are you trying so hard to fit a square peg into a round hole when he isn't even pulling his weight? It's kind of hard to have a relationship with yourself. It's not a relationship if you have to babysit him into responding to you or making plans to come see you. I think you are having a hard time letting go, which I understand it's not easy and are grasping at any straw you can find.

Edited June 16, 2013 by Carenth

[TaraMaiden]

Nope.

 

Sorry.

That cuts no ice with me.

You still come over as needy, desperate and clingy.

 

Why?

 

because you're still hanging on for his every word.

 

What I want to read is,

 

"I went on a great date last night with a new guy - he asked to see me again, and we're going out for the evening tomorrow with some of his friends - he says he's dying to show me off, because he thinks I'n beautiful and he can't believe his luck - I haven't thought of 'loser-manipulative LDR jerk' all day!"

 

That would float my boat.

[amkxoxo]

Not everyone is perfect. He has his fair share of problems. He has diagnosed depression and medical problems that sometimes make him down on himself, and it can be hard to be around him/ talk to him when he's like that. I think its been difficult for me, because when I call or text him, I don't know what is going on at his house or in his life, because were seperated. He's in a bad mood because of his parents and it has nothing to do with me. He called me Monday venting about his parents and I think he just wanted someone to listen and he knows I'm there for him. From what he has told me about his ex, I can see parts of it from her hurting him so deeply. He told me that he used to be so romantic and thoughtful and "jessica" (ex) sucked it all out of him. I don't want to focus on the negative all the time and that is what I do. Yes I am still angry that he hasn't wanted to see me yet, but time will tell. Truly I think its a pride/money thing. He has no money and knows it is hard for us to see each other because of that, but he doesn't want to come out and say he's poor, because the guy is suppose to take thr girl out etc etc...we had some conversations about this at school. There are so many nice things about him. Things he's done for me, said to me, he is a good person at heart and that is the person I'm holding onto, not because he was that person, because he is that person.

[Carenth]

The guy who has admitted outright he is a manipulator and a liar? Sorry a medical condition does not excuse crappy behavior.

I have been diagnosed been with depression, my girlfriend has depression. Not for a second would I think to my girlfriend "Hey I'm going to basically ignore you for a while because you know depression". Yeah I have my moments but I never take them out on her.

 

If anything it has made us both more empathetic of each others feelings and to make sure we look after each other. You know this thing called give and take. You seem to be doing most of the giving and getting nothing back in return.

 

Oh so his ex was horrible so now that excuses him from treating you the way you deserve to be treated? right got it, good to know. Notice a pattern? You are making excuse after excuse after excuse for the way he is treating you. My ex broke my heart into a million pieces as well, am I a bitter husk now? Nope, put that back together and moved on with my life. Do I treat my girlfriend horribly because of my ex, hell no.

 

You're right no one is perfect but when you are going, oh he treats me this way because x,y,z so it's not really his fault. No sorry it is. He is not a child he is responsible for how he behaves.

You keep talking about school... which was in the past, if you are looking back on those days pining hoping that it will go back and you are miserable now what does that say about your relationship?

I don't think you really have him, he seems to use you as a sounding board for his problems and that is about it. Has shown no sign of commitment at all really.

Edited June 16, 2013 by Carenth

[amkxoxo]

I didn't mean he treated me crappy because his ex hurt him. He doesn't treat me crappy, just not super invested. We have had conversations... he is hesitant to jump into a relationship because I think he felt used by her and like he wasted so much time and energy on her. She ended up dumping him after a 9 month relationship, where he was invested more than she. She told him she couldn't picture a future with him or marrying him. Its bothers him a lot. Medical condition wise I'm not going to say exactly what he has but....He gets episodes of sickness where he feels so bad and cannot get out of his bed for days. He kind of goes MIA and doesn't answer his phone etc..not just to me he goes missing from like everyone...He has a hard time explaining his disapearing act to people, but he has gotten comfortable enough with me that he will call or text me when he is sick and tell me. I'm not saying he treats me great, but he's a nice and caring person. I'm just so hopeful because I truly feel in my heart that if we were together in the same place and stage in our lives we would be together. I have never been in a serious relationship just dated people and he is the most intelligent, charming, coolest, shy, sensitive guy I have ever met. I feel like were so similar. Cut from the same vine you could say, I just deal with my problems and my attitude about them is so much different than mine. Someone told me the other day...."if its meant to be it will happen even eventually" I have hope because I feel like he was meant to come into my life. I don't mind being there for him if he needs me. If he needs me to listen, thats what you do when you care about someone, and I think if I called him and needed him to vent about a problem he would listen to me too. Maybe your wrong, Maybe I'm wrong. I'm willing to hold on, because if I don't take the risk then I can't say I didn't do everything I could to try and make it work on my end. Until he himself tells me its done is when I give up.

[Archanaart]

So I've read all your threads to get to know the situation. I'm hesitant about commenting because I don't feel like its my place to say anything but then again you posted to get advice.

 

So here's my thoughts:

 

I agree with what everyone's said so far about moving on. I think you need to focus on yourself and find your self worth. You deserve better and someone who will be there for you on a consistent basis. I hope you find that someday.

 

As well, I am confused as to why you are posting anything at all. It seems that you are looking for certain answers like something positive or a way to win him.

 

So far you aren't getting any responses like that and I've noticed you just spend your time defending him to all of us like you are trying to convince us this is worth it.

 

But I think you need to take a step back and figure out if are you trying to convince us this situation and that guy is worth it or are you trying to convince yourself?

 

"We accept the love we think we deserve"

[amkxoxo]

I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read my threads and all your comments, though sometimes they are hard to hear. Its tough because I take all your advice seriously, and obviously you guys don't know me or him, so a lot of your assumptions are partially right or on the dot. I've asked for a lot of opinions from people in my life too and many of them encourage me to talk to him, keep seeing him, and make things work, so I go through phases of ignoring him and them being a puppy in love.

-- I was in a situation similar to this about 2 years ago. I fell hard for my best friend and I gave myself over emotionally 100% (I rarely am able to fully give myself to someone emotionally... this guy and my new long distance guy are the only ones I've been close enough with) Well we would do everything together and people all thought we were a couple. We never touched though. No hugs, holding hands, kisses. Emotionally we were a couple. I was an emotional wreck because I sought more from him physically and I wanted a relationship. I wouldn't believe anyone else or my feelings I had to hear it from him. This went on for 6 months and then my roommate came out and told him what he was doing to me. He told me he didn't have feelings for me. He treated me the same though which wasn't nice. He knew I would jump for him cause I liked him and he took advantage a little bit. The only thing that helped me was that he left the country for a good 8 months. Come to find out he is gay now. I'm totally over him and have built myself up to be a strong independent woman again. I said that I would never let anyone do that to me again. I'm 10X more emotional with this guy than the old gay one. This guy actually liked me, kissed me, held me, thought i was pretty, complimented me, cared other things etccc... I get attached to people. i wish I didn't but I do and I would rather get attached then not care. I'm not tooting my own horn but I'm such a good, nice, caring person and I deserve someone wonderful. My mom literally just said to me "You are such a sweet girl and someone to take home to his family, your the one someone marries" Thats me.

[Carenth]

Well it's quite obvious that myself or anyone else isn't going to be able to convince you otherwise. You say hopeless romantic, I say highly naive and I say that with sadness that you are so hellbent of making this work when it's pretty clear he just doesn't want to commit on any level and once again you are defending him based of his ex's past behavior. That really is a piss poor excuse and if anything shows he shouldn't be doing anything related to a relationship if true. Because in that case he isn't over his ex and hasn't healed.

 

Hope is great and all but when you can't even get this guy to commit to the most basic stuff then that is not hope, that is delusion. I honestly do think you are deluding yourself and are living a fantasy life in your head of how perfect things would be if you were together. Guess what they wouldn't be relationships are never perfect, the issues you are having now you would happen if you were together as well. The reason he is currently paying any attention at all is because he knows you are there waiting for him, no questions asked, no matter what, on his terms. I wouldn't call that strong and independent. That is clingy and needy.

 

Essentially you are trying or hoping that he changes as a person into someone who loves and cares about you, as much as you do about him. He has shown he is not capable of this or at least not with you. People very rarely change, the only times I've seen people change is when something drastic happens in their life and their hand is forced.

 

Guess what there is plenty of intelligent, charming, coolest, shy, sensitive guys who would actually like you for who you are, treat you the way you deserve to be treated, not neglect you and your needs and most importantly, love you and want a relationship with you. Not only when you poke and prod them into responding that they might respond cheerfully once in a blue moon.

 

I won't give the answer you want, because I don't sugar coat things and I would be lying if I said otherwise. He doesn't love you, he isn't committed, I wouldn't even call this a relationship at this point. It's just you trying to make something happen desperately with someone who isn't reciprocating.

 

I hope you come out of this stupor sooner rather than later so you can move on, heal and find someone who actually values who you are and treats you like you deserve. With that I will end my commenting on this subject as I feel there is nothing else to say.

Edited June 17, 2013 by Carenth

[TaraMaiden]

I hope you come out of this stupor sooner rather than later so you can move on, heal and find someone who actually values who you are and treats you like you deserve. With that I will end my commenting on this subject as I feel there is nothing else to say.

 

I second that.

Waste of time, waste of breath.

 

Good luck with your 'quest' OP.

Hopefully you will at least progress from 'doormat' to hallway rug.

At least you won't be entirely left out in the cold.

 

Sad.