Sadwife37 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I find days like this very difficult. They always trigger me. Father's Day. A day celebrating what a wonderful husband and father my H is. I do my best to be positive, smile, and make the day nice for my family. But the day really sucks. Trying to pick out cards for my H that don't sound too ridiculous after everything he has done. Buying him presents, letting him sleep in, preparing breakfast in bed, planning a special supper. Pretty phoney. Most days are good now. 18 months past D Day. We are working very hard at successfully R and in many ways our relationship is better than before. But super dad my husband is not. Probably never will be again. He has forever changed in my eyes. And although I love him - some days I feel a great deal of love for him - other days not so much. I don't think I will ever love him completely like I did before. And I certainly don't need a day to celebrate his awesomeness. Any one else find these days tough? 1
Snowflower Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 How old are your children? Why aren't they doing these things for their Dad, to the best of their ability (for their age!)? You could help your children get organized for the day (take them to the store to buy cards, help them plan a special dinner or whatever) Why do you feel YOU have to be the one to do these things? It's Father's Day, not Husband's Day. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 This has been going on for a year, or just over. Why, if this is so painful for you, and your feelings have changed to such a degree - are you still with him? Please don't say "for the sake of the kids". I know you have a few threads behind you, but I'm just not clear as to why you'd still be putting yourself through this..... 3
macy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I find days like this very difficult. They always trigger me. Father's Day. A day celebrating what a wonderful husband and father my H is. I do my best to be positive, smile, and make the day nice for my family. But the day really sucks. Trying to pick out cards for my H that don't sound too ridiculous after everything he has done. Buying him presents, letting him sleep in, preparing breakfast in bed, planning a special supper. Pretty phoney. Most days are good now. 18 months past D Day. We are working very hard at successfully R and in many ways our relationship is better than before. But super dad my husband is not. Probably never will be again. He has forever changed in my eyes. And although I love him - some days I feel a great deal of love for him - other days not so much. I don't think I will ever love him completely like I did before. And I certainly don't need a day to celebrate his awesomeness. Any one else find these days tough? Yes! Hence that's why I've been on here all day. Not good. I'm divorced now from my cheating husband. He's got the kids with his fiancée right now celebrating his "awesomeness". I have to remember, even though he and I didn't work out, he's still their father. Hugs to you! You sound like you're struggling. I know how that feels. 1
Praying4Peace Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Hi Sadwife, Even if things have changed between you and your H (in ways that are good and in ways that might be not so good), celebrate the idea..or the WISH...that despite anything that might happen in the future HE stays a good father to his children. And let THEM do all as much as they can. In fact, send them out to do something with him alone and maybe just make a nice dinner that they all (kids and you) can enjoy. Better yet...go out. FWIW- kids are with my exH today but we all baked last night so they could take goodies to him at his new place. They made cards. That's it. He is spending the day with them and planned everything. When they get older they can plan it. I, on the other hand, am concentrating on my own dad. 1
Author Sadwife37 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Why am I still here? Because this is my life. This is my family. We have had a lot of good times. We have had great times. We have had not so great times. And we have had absolutely horrible times. I don't believe my H will ever have another A. I believe he regrets it. Hates that it happened and would do anything to take it back. But he can't. We have to live with it and try to make the best of what w have. Make sure things are better going forward. Would I be happier if I left? Living in a small house as a single mom. Sharing custody 50%missing half my children's life. Causing them to have a broken home. I don't think so. Neither option is perfect and neither option will make everything right again. Hopefully life will continue to improve. But that doesn't make days like this any better. Affairs suck. 2
macy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I completely understand your feelings! I think some marriages can make it through and be stronger. It takes a lot of work and both have to want it. I pray that you will be one of the positive success stories. I find myself happier in some ways. Not so happy in others. Do I wish I still had a healthy, intact family. You bet! Hang in there and fight! My grandfather always use to say "This too, shall pass!" 1
CantgetoveritNY Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I hope you are open to a gender opposite response. My WW was and is an assume mother. Except she put our kids in front of an F5 tornado on purpose, by having an affair with a scumbag. The damage to them is at this point still unknowable. But certain to be severe. On top of that, a year ago, on Mother's Day, I, as the in the dark BS, was pulling out all the stops. She was cold and distant but I had a very grand day set up for her and the kids. Professional photographs even. After Dday one of those photos resurfaced. I asked her, what was she thinking as the camera took that photo? I am grateful that WW responded honestly that at that time she was thinking of the MM. That she was thinking it was just a matter of time until we would be a family no more. I'm grateful bc I want the truth. But as you can imagine I will never think of Mothers Day the same again. Maybe that is a good thing.
jnel921 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I agree with Snow flower, the day is for your kids to appreciate him. Not for you to be his slave for the day. I didn't do anything special for my H. The kids got him a beautiful card and so did I. The card conveyed how I felt his R with my kids made me feel towards him. A totally separate and respective feeling for me. The Only time this has affected a holiday was our anniversary not his relationship with the kids. He is a great dad...but less than perfect H. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Why am I still here? Because this is my life. This is my family. We have had a lot of good times. We have had great times. We have had not so great times. And we have had absolutely horrible times. I don't believe my H will ever have another A. I believe he regrets it. Hates that it happened and would do anything to take it back. But he can't. We have to live with it and try to make the best of what w have. Make sure things are better going forward. Right, well, with the greatest of respect, you need - for yourself - to start putting your baggage down. If this is a new beginning, your H is a reformed man, the affair was in the past - then you need to look forward without making yourself carry this millstone . Quit letting it sour your time now. This is holding on to something painful for absolutely no reason whatsoever. If you didn't trust him, or you suspected he was still having flings, or you were together as a deliberate façade to kid others that everything is okay, I could understand it. But you need to drop the blame, and quit beating yourself up with memories which do nothing to serve you or improve your situation. Would I be happier if I left? Living in a small house as a single mom. Sharing custody 50%missing half my children's life. Causing them to have a broken home. I don't think so. Neither option is perfect and neither option will make everything right again. Actually, that's unfair. Unfortunately in this day and age, separations/divorces are far more common, and I happen to know plenty of people who actually, after divorcing, led much happier, more tranquil and more contented lives. So for you to automatically assume the worst is unfair. particularly to those who actually prefer that status. And as you haven't experienced it, it's not reasonable or logical to think that way..... Hopefully life will continue to improve. But that doesn't make days like this any better. That's up to you. And you create 'better' by MAKING it better, looking at it in a better light, and knowing that this is better. Certainly, much better than it was last year. Isn't it? 2
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I find days like this very difficult. They always trigger me. Father's Day. A day celebrating what a wonderful husband and father my H is. I do my best to be positive, smile, and make the day nice for my family. But the day really sucks. Trying to pick out cards for my H that don't sound too ridiculous after everything he has done. Buying him presents, letting him sleep in, preparing breakfast in bed, planning a special supper. Pretty phoney. Most days are good now. 18 months past D Day. We are working very hard at successfully R and in many ways our relationship is better than before. But super dad my husband is not. Probably never will be again. He has forever changed in my eyes. And although I love him - some days I feel a great deal of love for him - other days not so much. I don't think I will ever love him completely like I did before. And I certainly don't need a day to celebrate his awesomeness. Any one else find these days tough? Yes! For a very, very long time. I am now 6 years from DDAy, and with the aberration of almost a two year affair, my H was and IS a wonderful, loving father. It was very difficult for the longest time to reconcile what he did with celebrating anything that honored him....It felt false to me somehow, yet I did it for my children. HE will always be their father. And I made my children do more with gentle reminders that the day was approaching and what did they want to do? And yes! Picking out the card was hard too. Our anniversary? No. I told him to pick another day later in the month, maybe the day I said yes to reconcile, or something. Today, we can actually joke about it in front of our grown children and we all laugh. We are healed. 1
Author Sadwife37 Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 TaraMaiden - I'm really not sure who I am being unfair too by saying I think I would be happier staying in my M rather than leaving. I was very clearly talking about me and my situation. Not in any way generalizing that some BS can't be happier leaving a M after an A. And I also don't see my comment as "assuming the worst". It is a pretty clear fact that if my H and I decided to end our M we would share custody 50/50. That means I would have the kids half the time and he would have them half the time. Is that the worst I was assuming? That is a fact. For me, given everything about our family, our life together, my H's A, his desire to save our M, I believe staying is the right choice for me. If things were different I could make a different choice. I too know lots of single mom's. Some are happy and some are not. I know married moms and some are happy and some are not. My comment was about me and my life. I don't see how it was unfair or assuming the worst. I actually thought it was pretty positive. Everyone here weights their options and tries to choose the best path for their particular situation. We are all different. I was strictly talking about me.
Confused48 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Right, well, with the greatest of respect, you need - for yourself - to start putting your baggage down. If this is a new beginning, your H is a reformed man, the affair was in the past - then you need to look forward without making yourself carry this millstone . Quit letting it sour your time now. This is holding on to something painful for absolutely no reason whatsoever. If you didn't trust him, or you suspected he was still having flings, or you were together as a deliberate façade to kid others that everything is okay, I could understand it. But you need to drop the blame, and quit beating yourself up with memories which do nothing to serve you or improve your situation. That's up to you. And you create 'better' by MAKING it better, looking at it in a better light, and knowing that this is better. Certainly, much better than it was last year. Isn't it? Thanks Tara. I'm a lot like the OP and I needed to hear this too. Now making it happen, that is tough.
So happy together Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Why am I still here? Because this is my life. This is my family. We have had a lot of good times. We have had great times. We have had not so great times. And we have had absolutely horrible times. I don't believe my H will ever have another A. I believe he regrets it. Hates that it happened and would do anything to take it back. But he can't. We have to live with it and try to make the best of what w have. Make sure things are better going forward. Would I be happier if I left? Living in a small house as a single mom. Sharing custody 50%missing half my children's life. Causing them to have a broken home. I don't think so. Neither option is perfect and neither option will make everything right again. Hopefully life will continue to improve. But that doesn't make days like this any better. Affairs suck. It has been 18 months. And you hope things will continue to get better? Look at the reasons you've listed for staying. I would hope if those were the reasons someone listed to me, they'd leave and let me have a life. It is a sad life indeed. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 It has been 18 months. And you hope things will continue to get better? Look at the reasons you've listed for staying. I would hope if those were the reasons someone listed to me, they'd leave and let me have a life. It is a sad life indeed. Sorry, I disagree. My M was pretty damn good by ALL accounts, not just my own perception, and my H had an affair that lasted over 1.5 years! I took it day by day and decided NOT to decide anything permanent until I was READY to. As long as he was remorseful, transparent, and willing to do the heavy lifting in IC, MC, and in our relationship, I was willing to give it a wait and see. I loved him. Our children loved him. I loved having sex with him. I loved having fun, friends, and sharing family with him. Why would I give that up immediately if he was begging me for a second chance to prove he could be a man worthy of me? It was the hardest thing we have ever done; we laughed, cried, then I raged, then he did, then we calmed and hey, the guy stayed through it all. You are assuming all affairs are about true love. many are not. Many are about escapism, or a mid-life crisis, or issues of low self-esteem within the cheater that makes them susceptible to attentions and attractions outside the marriage.....and have NOTHING to do with the spouse. 4
Betrayed&Stayed Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 Last year (2012) on Father's Day I had a relapse and got upset with the whole Father's Day hoopla but for very different reasons. As time goes on these type of annual events gets better. I don't think you can ever forget, but the hurt is not as deep or raw. Yesterday was fine for me. 2
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