Dubler Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 When my girlfriend dumped me around a month back I was kind of shocked and almost didn't see why she had decided what she had. I've had time now to look back over things. At the time she said we were incompatible but I feel it was more to do with me not being the guy she originally met anymore as we had been compatible for a year before I changed. For various reasons such as money worries and a very stressful job I was often stressed, distant, a bit tight with money. I kind if took her for granted in the end. Luckily that's all over now and I don't even recognise the guy I was back then, I feel so much less stressed and I want her back. I asked for her back before but at the time I just sort of begged without actually identifying what our problems were. Understandably,why would she come back when I couldn't even see the problems we had? Now I know I want to make amends but she won't answer my calls. I want to try one more call in a few days time and then if that fails send her an email. How should I keep it? Lighthearted? Serious? Tell my feelings? Much of the advice on here suggests to seem ambivalent and as though your happy without her but I'm not? She's never denied her feelings when we spoke after the breakup only that we're incompatible so I feel like there's still a chance Any advice people?
SimonSerenade Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Don't beat yourself up man, we all lose ourselves from time to time under stressful situations, there's no shame in that, that's just how we act under pressure, money and such shouldn't determine your worth as a boyfriend in the eyes of somebody your with, the person who truly loves you will stand by you through times of hardship, not against you, maybe she just wasnt mature enough to see that so don't put it all on you, she's at fault too. As for getting another chance with this girl, I'd leave her be but not before you can live with yourself before hand, so call her and see if she picks up, see what she has to say, apologise for what you feel you did wrong, if you have no luck there then send her an email and walk away. I know you want a second chance but it takes both sides of the relationship to make that happen, wether your with or without her, be that guy that she used to know but do it for you, be the best possible man you can be and if it doesn't work out between you 2 then don't lose heart because you were tue to yourself. I know it's hard man but with or without her you will move on, stay calm and composed, show her nothing but the kindness and love that you feel she deserves. I'm there myself right now, towards the end of my relationship i saw the man I became and I wasn't the man that she knew I was and she wasn't the woman she was once, I tried to fix it, I tried to be better, before she left I was so close to moving our life forward, I was going to move us to a new city I knew she loved and always wanted to live in, I had it all figured out and I had the money to do it but she left days before I had the chance to let her in on the good news, it might not have worked out but I had those intensions in my heart and now rather than starting that new life with her, I'm starting it alone, before I left my ex alone, I let her know everything she meant to me, i tried to call her but no answer, mailed her but no reply, sometimes that's just the way it goes and you just have to know you did everything in your power to make life better for that person, before she left me I got her an iPad for her birthday and I know she'll think of me when she uses that, I went out the way I went in, a genuinely nice person with a lot of love for her, there's no regrets for that. Take it easy man and keep me updated on your situation.
totallylost5040 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I feel you on that one simon... sometimes we just dont know and it sucks! Keep us updated!
SimonSerenade Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Looking back I was a fool, her actions painted her as the kind of selfish emotionless person who could leave someone like that without a care, she's done it to others so it's clearly her problem, I just didn't want to believe she could do it to me because I felt I meant more to her than anyone else but i think to her, she's the only one who matters, I'm not taking it personally anymore, I'll try and find closure in that I wasn't the only one, I used to hate her exs when I was with her, now I feel sorry for them, sometimes you don't get answers or the ending you deserve but take comfort in knowing that it's not about you, it's about the kind of person your with.
orionboxing Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 How should I keep it? Lighthearted? Serious? Tell my feelings? Much of the advice on here suggests to seem ambivalent and as though your happy without her but I'm not? She's never denied her feelings when we spoke after the breakup only that we're incompatible so I feel like there's still a chance Any advice people? Well, she already knows how you feel. You went the route of begging already...so she knows that you are into her still. You have to go no contact. I just posted something on the second chances board about "how to get an ex back" and it involves simply disappearing for a long time and creating some indifference for someone you love. Don't call or contact them for a LONG time. No emails or texts. That's actually how you get them back. I'm talking months here...sometimes 6 months or more. It is extremely tough to do but if you can pull it off...it's pretty effective. The second thing you need to do is start dating someone casually right away - but nothing too serious. This will get back to your ex and she'll start thinking about this new girl in your life and get jealous. But again, you should not talk to your ex during this time and not initiate contact. She is the one that should contact you. Third...social proof. If their are photos of you and some girl on Facebook or tagged in places together....she'll go NUTS. It's amazing how a little social networking can really get people worked up....even if it's you two simply getting ice cream together and going home separately. After a significant amount of time has passed...like months, and you are pretty much over her in an emotional way, you can contact her and see how she is doing and test the waters. If she rejects you, at least a great amount your emotions towards her are now gone and the rejection doesn't hurt as much. If she open to meeting up, you can take it from there.
PR08 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 You have to go no contact. I just posted something on the second chances board about "how to get an ex back" and it involves simply disappearing for a long time and creating some indifference for someone you love. Don't call or contact them for a LONG time. No emails or texts. That's actually how you get them back. I'm talking months here...sometimes 6 months or more. It is extremely tough to do but if you can pull it off...it's pretty effective. The second thing you need to do is start dating someone casually right away - but nothing too serious. This will get back to your ex and she'll start thinking about this new girl in your life and get jealous. But again, you should not talk to your ex during this time and not initiate contact. She is the one that should contact you. Third...social proof. If their are photos of you and some girl on Facebook or tagged in places together....she'll go NUTS. It's amazing how a little social networking can really get people worked up....even if it's you two simply getting ice cream together and going home separately. After a significant amount of time has passed...like months, and you are pretty much over her in an emotional way, you can contact her and see how she is doing and test the waters. If she rejects you, at least a great amount your emotions towards her are now gone and the rejection doesn't hurt as much. If she open to meeting up, you can take it from there. +2, from personal experience and seeing it with others.
mahon451 Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 When my girlfriend dumped me around a month back I was kind of shocked and almost didn't see why she had decided what she had. I've had time now to look back over things. At the time she said we were incompatible but I feel it was more to do with me not being the guy she originally met anymore as we had been compatible for a year before I changed. For various reasons such as money worries and a very stressful job I was often stressed, distant, a bit tight with money. I kind if took her for granted in the end. Luckily that's all over now and I don't even recognise the guy I was back then, I feel so much less stressed and I want her back. I asked for her back before but at the time I just sort of begged without actually identifying what our problems were. Understandably,why would she come back when I couldn't even see the problems we had? Now I know I want to make amends but she won't answer my calls. I want to try one more call in a few days time and then if that fails send her an email. How should I keep it? Lighthearted? Serious? Tell my feelings? Much of the advice on here suggests to seem ambivalent and as though your happy without her but I'm not? She's never denied her feelings when we spoke after the breakup only that we're incompatible so I feel like there's still a chance Any advice people? Dude, you sound like me about, oh, 3 or 4 months ago. I'll level with you, man. If you guys were together a year (or so), you aren't incompatible, and she knows it. When someone says "we're not compatible," it's usually code for "we had our first rough patch, things got real, and I can't handle it." Will you get another chance? Who knows, but don't count on it, especially if there's another guy (which, if she's not talking to you, there very well might be). I can tell you with 99% certainty that this is going on: - She's casually dating 1 or 2 different people - She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (otherwise she would be) - She moved on quite some time ago - No changes you can make will bring her back (at least in the near future) - No amount of reasoning, no matter how sound, will bring her back - Talking about it with her will likely only hurt your cause more If you do talk to her, I bet you dollars to donuts that she'll say something along the lines of "I love you, but I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." If I'm wrong, I'll buy you a beer. My advice, if it means anything, is go no contact, and do everything you can to put her out of your mind. And... get laid, go out, but stay away from anything serious.
Antares Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 Dude, you sound like me about, oh, 3 or 4 months ago. I'll level with you, man. If you guys were together a year (or so), you aren't incompatible, and she knows it. When someone says "we're not compatible," it's usually code for "we had our first rough patch, things got real, and I can't handle it." Will you get another chance? Who knows, but don't count on it, especially if there's another guy (which, if she's not talking to you, there very well might be). I can tell you with 99% certainty that this is going on: - She's casually dating 1 or 2 different people - She doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (otherwise she would be) - She moved on quite some time ago - No changes you can make will bring her back (at least in the near future) - No amount of reasoning, no matter how sound, will bring her back - Talking about it with her will likely only hurt your cause more If you do talk to her, I bet you dollars to donuts that she'll say something along the lines of "I love you, but I'm just not ready for a relationship right now." If I'm wrong, I'll buy you a beer. My advice, if it means anything, is go no contact, and do everything you can to put her out of your mind. And... get laid, go out, but stay away from anything serious. Yup. For the most part, I agree with this. Dubler: I'm in a similar situation. I was dumped about 8 weeks ago. You can read my thread in the BU forum "Thoughts on a recent break up: The Shy Girl". We had only dated for a few months but things were going very well. We had everything in common; values, interests, experiences, and had the same zany sense of sarcastic humor. We were also very passionate with one another. There was no doubting we were compatible - or at least could have been. My girl was also very shy and somewhat inexperienced when it comes to dating. She mentioned that it took her a long, long time to feel absolutely comfortable with new people. Not even just dating wise, but even making new friends too. I think with each stage of the relationship, every time it progressed she'd back away for a bit. I think it stressed her out and her shyness and anxiety got the best of her. She dumped me saying that it wasn't working out. That our pace was just too different. She admitted that she liked me, loved spending time together, felt an emotional bond with me, a connection which usually doesn't happen for her. So to her it wasn't working. Actually, I'll rephrase that - it was 'too much work'. I'm in the same boat as you to an extent. I've been NC since that very call. Not a single word to her since. But I do want to reach out at some point. During this time, I've evaluated the situation and realized that there was probably too much pressure going on. She probably needed to earn more trust, slowly, and romanced in a slightly different way. None of which would make us incompatible. I actually like taking my time as well. I've been very shy in the past too. But keep in mind what Mahon said up top is probably true to 99% of the girls out there. Mine also admitted that dating me was the longest she ever dated anyone and I don't think she lets people get too close too soon. So I don't gather she's out there going crazy dating all over the place. Right now I'm intending to stay in NC for some time. The past month has allowed me to clear my thoughts, become centered again. If I do reach out sometime in the future - it will be something light and non-pressuring. But that's it. If it goes forward great. If not, it's definitely over...then that's fine too. For you; I'd stay in NC. You guys may have been compatible. There's no doubt there...that's just something she said to BU. But, ask yourself, do you really want to be with someone who's willing to leave you after a year because you yourself are stressing for a few weeks. Right now she's ignoring your calls. She knows you want another shot. She just doesn't want it too.
mahon451 Posted June 19, 2013 Posted June 19, 2013 You know when a good time to reach out is? When you have zero emotional investment in what results from it- as in, you don't care if contacting your ex brings reconciliation, friendship, or awkward small talk. I don't talk to my ex right now because I still care what the results would be if I did. And I know that if I called, texted, messaged, etc., it would not yield what I want... so, no contact for now.
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