31 yr. old cheating gf and finding photos of her with a married man - help

[mx635err]

Hi, I'm almost 29 years old, never have been married and recently had the unfortunate ending to a 3 year relationship.

 

Here's the scenario: I met a very nice japanese girl 3 years ago(at the time she was 27) through a dating website and began seeing her seriously. Now, I am located about a 1.5 hour drive away from her and was able to see her about 1 or 2 times a week. She started to pressure me for marriage after the first year and said distance was NOT a problem. My reaction was to put it off and told her when the time is right we will do it. We had alot of fun.. many trips and great care for each other.

 

Time passes and into the second year things went downhill for a while. She was seeing someone and having sex behind my back and met several other men online/and in NYC. I forgave her and she settled back into our relationship. Although I was happy, this year things went south again, but I did buy her an engagement ring which she did not accept. I agreed and we 'put it on hold'. Now, as of this writing I have found out she is sleeping with a married man, says 'im too far away physically' in contradiction to what she has always said about our distance and says she 'mentally connects with him and not me'. I have been trying very hard to cut off communication with her unsuccessfully (I still send her messages over the net).

 

My question is: I had and still have deep feelings for this person in spite of her actions. I am empty, feeling hopeless and angry at the same time knowing she is out with men enjoying herself. Is there any way to ease the pain and have hope in that I will meet someone else with the same feelings I had/have for her? Were my eyes closed for too long? I loved her and made some wrong choices with my actions toward her, but I feel like this type of love I will not have ever again for someone. I also find it difficult to meet women due to my personality (reserved). Any advice on how to cope with this would be greatly appreciated.

 

Eric

[morrigan]

It's never easy, but no contact may be the best thing for you to get past this painful breakup. She no longer wants a relationship with you, and I think you could eventually find someone better. Don't email her anymore or check up on her. Live your own life, and let her live hers the way she wants to, good or bad.

 

It seems like you regret not getting engaged earlier on to this girl when she wanted to get married, but would it have made a difference in

what she has done with her life? You could have become engaged, even possibly married, and she may have still cheated on you.

 

As far as meeting new people, join a group or organization that interests you. Go on a group trip to some destination you have always wanted to see, or go on a hiking expedition to a national park. If you enjoy music, go to concerts and talk about different bands. Force yourself to go up to someone that you find attractive and initiate a conversation. Most people are flattered when a person comes up and compliments them on their appearance, or asks them out, as long as it's done in a polite and respectful way.

[SoleMate]

I always try to answer the specific questions posted, so here goes:

 

Is there any way to ease the pain?

Yes. NC (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t41853/) and distraction: working out, volunteering, gardening, clubs, extra work, visit your family, take your buddy's kids to the zoo, etc.

 

Is there any way to have hope in that I will meet someone else with the same feelings I had/have for her?

Yes. Practice philosophy. You will have feelings for someone to the extent that she neets your most important emotional needs, and vice versa. There's no "magic" about it, and I am sure you have an effectively infinite number of potential "soulmates" out there. See <URL removed> to understand what a good, lasting relationship is about.

 

Were my eyes closed for too long?

Yes, because it seems she needs lots of action and masculine attention, and you weren't giving it to her. Closing your eyes to her cheating was not a good idea.

 

I loved her and made some wrong choices with my actions toward her...

Going to share those with us?

 

...but I feel like this type of love I will not have ever again for someone.

It only feels that way now. Brain chemicals - dopamine or endorphins or whatever it is. They will fade to background levels within 4-6 weeks as long as you follow NC and get PLENTY of distractions. And don't start making excuses as to why you can't pursue those distractions.

 

I also find it difficult to meet women due to my personality (reserved).

Well, that's another thread. But try clubs (I mean social/activity clubs, not druggy night/dance clubs) or friends, so you can have a framework that makes it easier to approach women. And regardelss of what your personality may be, you can LEARN the behaviors that make it easier to strike a converstaion and find common interests. Don't settle for an unreformed party girl just because she is the only one you have been able to meet - set your sights a little higher, on what you REALLY want.

[velocity635]

quote:

I loved her and made some wrong choices with my actions toward her...

 

 

Going to share those with us?

 

 

 

 

Hey guys, thanks for all the advice and the help. I need direction and it's good to read what your opinions are as to how to best get through this.. Anyway, as far as making "wrong choices with my actions toward" .. I specifically meant several things: 1) I did not flatter her enough and treat her romantically enough. 2) She said I am not 'strong' enough mentally for her. I agree. It's hard to accept it, but I have been more immature throughout the whole 3 years than what she was looking for. 3) Genrally speaking I feel I just wasn't 'man' enough.

 

Some more info - This was my 1st serious relationship. I think my lack of experience with women and my personality traits along with her pushing me and my level of maturity that broke this whole thing apart. It's hard to try to look at my faults, but I have to so I don't make the same mistakes. She is just as guilty as me though and I have to make sure I keep that in mind.. Am I making sense here??

[Weird]

dude don't blame yourself for this cooze cheating on you multiple times. She is not worth an ounce of your care. My only advice is you truly tell yourself that and realize it is true.

 

Oh and you will meet someone that actually won't walk all over you like that bitch did. Trust me on that. Give it time and patience

[velocity635]

thanks bro,

 

you're right, time will hopefully fix it, but it seems like it's taking forever. I made a mistake by answering my phone and talking to her today and finding out more details about the seperated guy she is seeing. That just drove me off again so I know I have to cut ALL contact in order to save my head....

[velocity635]

I'm in very bad shape. I can't take this

[Girlie]

Please hang in there. I know it feels awful right now...I think we've all been there. One of my exes went on a weekend trip while we were still dating and came back married to an ex girlfriend. It was awful. And it took what felt like a really long time to get over it. But I did, and so will you. One of the things I did, and I don't know if this will help you but it did me, was every time I felt like I wanted to talk to him or something along those lines, I'd think of all of the rotten mean things he did while we were dating. I let myself get angry over the stuff that happened behind my back. After I used this to get the no contact thing down, it really seemed to help speed up the healing process. Now I realize that, sadly, the person I loved never existed. He was nothing but a lie. Breakups are never easy, but you WILL feel better. You deserve someone who won't take advantage of your trust and that person is out there. Just keep trucking on, and next time the ex calls, remember what she's done to you and don't pick up.

[velocity635]

I'm trying, but for every few hours that I don't fall apart, theres so many more that I just feel terribly sick and upset. I'm starting to get pissed off too every time I think of seeing what I saw. I don't deserve that. I'm not any 'saint' either, but I would NEVER string someone along while having a new interest and especially not while sleeping with them and taking x-rated photos of each other and preparing to latch on to this guy. Damn it.

[velocity635]

Who shoudl I see to help me deal with this. What kind of counseling can I get and will it help at all.

[Weird]

I have no idea what type to see but I am sure it would help if you are that bad.

 

This may not help but you should try to think about how you had a perfectly fine life before you were with this girl and you can have a perfectly fine one without it. I know it is hard as the chemicals in our mind ***** with us but you have to take control of them and realize life isn't going to end.

 

I suggest doing a lot of exercise as that not only increases our mood but it is a great way to pass time. Exercise produces the same "high" that one gets from the relationship as well. And since you (rightly) get pissed off you could go get a pounchign bag and beat the **** out of it whihc would give you the exercise and help take out the anger.

 

Hopefully you can convince yourself this is for the best and she is a piece of trash and does not warrant one ounce of your hurt or care now. I know it is tough and if I were you I'd probably be so furious (simpy because I woudl think how much time I wasted) but I am confident you can overcome it on your own and you will be so happy you did and will feel so much better about yourself once you heal.

 

And next time she contacts you lay into her hardcore and tell her to leave you the ***** alone. What kind of evil btich cheats on a guy and then calls him afetrward to talk about him? What a damn cunt.