hill Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) Hi.. so I'm gonna try to make this short and "sweet." So I was with my boyfriend- well, now ex boyfriend for about 3 and a half years. Throughout the these years we were "off and on".. and I put that in quotes because when we were off- it wasn't really "off" because we still went out, did all the bf/gf stuff.. blah blah blah... The two times we "broke up" he did the dumping and he would always use weird excuses but really I'm pretty sure it was because he was scared/unsure/didn't know what he wanted. But HE would always come back to me and always get back together. These past couple months we were together it was hard on me because I was starting to realize that he was probably still unsure and didn't know what he wanted... we never went out, his mom didn't know we were dating this past year...but pretty sure she had an idea. Anyways, I planned on breaking up with him LAST week but chickened out. I did it today....it was weird. He as being a douche to me and basically was like "I don't wanna talk to your right now" and acting all distant. He ignored my calls so I was like what's the deal? and then he texted me and was like "your expectations of this relationship are not the same as mine." And then I called him and I was like "Ok? What are YOUR expectations of this relationship? Just answer me that and I will LEAVE you alone." And he said "I don't expect to get married." So I told him "Perfect! Because I planned on breaking up with you last week so this makes this one million times easier. I'll be at your house at 2 PM to pick up my stuff. Bye!" And.. well that's how I did it. I'm mixed emotions...yes I'm sad but.... 1. I haven't cried that much- why? Will it all hit me one day? I'm scared.... I mean it has hit me...I've been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks so yeah.. I'm just scared of being an emotional wreck, I want to be happy 2. I'm upset about how it ended.. he was so mean to be and in turn I was sort of rude to him. I wish we could have hugged and said I love you and bye. But I didn't even see him. 3. I'm graduating tomorrow, so I'm pretty happy right now but I'm scared of feeling sad after all this excitement is over. 4. All I wanted from him was a committed, boyfriend girlfriend relationship...I love him a lot... Why does he have to assume I want to get married RIGHT NOW? I know he said he doesn't want to marry me but...what we had was great.. idk. I'm thinking outloud but need input. I'm just confused. I know this is for the best. He was sort of a douche. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy the sex. IDK. He's my first everything and I'm his first everything as well... I know I'll eventually find someone I'm not afraid of that. I'm just afraid. I don't know of what??? ANY advice/words of wisdom would be great... ...so much for making this short and sweet. haha -Hilary 21 years old. he is 24 years old. Edited June 16, 2013 by hill
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Hi.. so I'm gonna try to make this short and "sweet." So I was with my boyfriend- well, now ex boyfriend for about 3 and a half years. Throughout the these years we were "off and on".. and I put that in quotes because when we were off- it wasn't really "off" because we still went out, did all the bf/gf stuff.. blah blah blah... The two times we "broke up" he did the dumping and he would always use weird excuses but really I'm pretty sure it was because he was scared/unsure/didn't know what he wanted. But HE would always come back to me and always get back together. These past couple months we were together it was hard on me because I was starting to realize that he was probably still unsure and didn't know what he wanted... we never went out, his mom didn't know we were dating this past year...but pretty sure she had an idea. Anyways, I planned on breaking up with him LAST week but chickened out. I did it today....it was weird. He as being a douche to me and basically was like "I don't wanna talk to your right now" and acting all distant. He ignored my calls so I was like what's the deal? and then he texted me and was like "your expectations of this relationship are not the same as mine." And then I called him and I was like "Ok? What are YOUR expectations of this relationship? Just answer me that and I will LEAVE you alone." And he said "I don't expect to get married." So I told him "Perfect! Because I planned on breaking up with you last week so this makes this one million times easier. I'll be at your house at 2 PM to pick up my stuff. Bye!" And.. well that's how I did it. I'm mixed emotions...yes I'm sad but.... 1. I haven't cried that much- why? Will it all hit me one day? I'm scared.... I mean it has hit me...I've been thinking about this for the past couple of weeks so yeah.. I'm just scared of being an emotional wreck, I want to be happy 2. I'm upset about how it ended.. he was so mean to be and in turn I was sort of rude to him. I wish we could have hugged and said I love you and bye. But I didn't even see him. 3. I'm graduating tomorrow, so I'm pretty happy right now but I'm scared of feeling sad after all this excitement is over. 4. All I wanted from him was a committed, boyfriend girlfriend relationship...I love him a lot... Why does he have to assume I want to get married RIGHT NOW? I know he said he doesn't want to marry me but...what we had was great.. idk. I'm thinking outloud but need input. I'm just confused. I know this is for the best. He was sort of a douche. To be honest, I didn't really enjoy the sex. IDK. He's my first everything and I'm his first everything as well... I know I'll eventually find someone I'm not afraid of that. I'm just afraid. I don't know of what??? ANY advice/words of wisdom would be great... ...so much for making this short and sweet. haha -Hilary 21 years old. he is 24 years old. Hey Hill. 1st- Congrats on graduating!! That in itself is amazing. This whole situation should be secondary to that. With this, NO one can take that away from you. 2nd. You're 21. You have your entire life in front of you. You were just able to drink alcohol legally this year haha. You are so young, and this guy is not mature enough to handle someone like you. If you HAD plans on breaking up with him, then it wasnt real. I had plans on breaking up with mine but didnt. She did it before I could and I'm STILL wanting her back 9 months later, but its WAY more about ego than anything. If you have those feelings now, they will almost never changed.....especially with how long this situation has been going on! 3 and a half years off and on?? That would drive me nuts. Look back on this though....WAS what you had REALLY that great? Three and a half years off and on isnt great Hill. You guys both wanted different things. It's only a matter of time before those things catch up with you. What you did and how you did it is EXACTLY what needed to happen. Focus on your life. If he wasnt willing to put anymore into what you guys were doing, why keep doing it? The first person of ANYTHING to let go of is hard trust me. My last ex wasnt the first time I had sex or really anything, BUT was the first real love I had. It's still pretty hard to get over, but IM the one causing it, no one else. Same with you.....he will probably come back and say im sorry blah blah and thats what you will have to deal with....If I were you, I'd cut ties now. If he doesnt want marriage/the same things out of a relationship than you do, why keep doing it? You are young and about to hit the exciting parts of your life here! Focus on that, everything else falls into place 1
Author hill Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Hey Hill. 1st- Congrats on graduating!! That in itself is amazing. This whole situation should be secondary to that. With this, NO one can take that away from you. 2nd. You're 21. You have your entire life in front of you. You were just able to drink alcohol legally this year haha. You are so young, and this guy is not mature enough to handle someone like you. If you HAD plans on breaking up with him, then it wasnt real. I had plans on breaking up with mine but didnt. She did it before I could and I'm STILL wanting her back 9 months later, but its WAY more about ego than anything. If you have those feelings now, they will almost never changed.....especially with how long this situation has been going on! 3 and a half years off and on?? That would drive me nuts. Look back on this though....WAS what you had REALLY that great? Three and a half years off and on isnt great Hill. You guys both wanted different things. It's only a matter of time before those things catch up with you. What you did and how you did it is EXACTLY what needed to happen. Focus on your life. If he wasnt willing to put anymore into what you guys were doing, why keep doing it? The first person of ANYTHING to let go of is hard trust me. My last ex wasnt the first time I had sex or really anything, BUT was the first real love I had. It's still pretty hard to get over, but IM the one causing it, no one else. Same with you.....he will probably come back and say im sorry blah blah and thats what you will have to deal with....If I were you, I'd cut ties now. If he doesnt want marriage/the same things out of a relationship than you do, why keep doing it? You are young and about to hit the exciting parts of your life here! Focus on that, everything else falls into place Thanks!! Yeah I haven't talked to him since all I texted him today was "dropped off your stuff next to your sliding door- good luck with everything." I mean I miss him a lot and talking to him but I'm too afraid to actually start talking to him... I don't wanna be reeled it. But at the same time I wanna hear from him? I guess like you said, the ego thing. I think the thing that hurts the most was he was so rude to me before I broke up with him today.. idk what I'm feeling. I'm just venting/ thinking out loud at this point. I'm just scared to go through all of this I guess, I want to be happy and not think about him anymore. I don't want to worry if I'm gonna have a "good happy day" or "bad lonely day." AND I'm also frustrated that this didn't work out because I loved him a lot.... I'm gonna miss seeing him and talking with him and all that. I love him A LOT. My friends are all there for me of course but I don't want to keep bothering them with this stuff. I'm scared of the lonely feeling I'll get when they are all busy and can't hang out and all that. They have lives too so I'll know I will eventually feel alone. I just don't wanna Gahhhhh. I have wanted to start learning to do fun hobbies so I bought watercolors today and painted my cat that was fun. And I wanna go to my gym like everyday. I'm just gonna miss talking to him. I wish things ended on a "happy" note. Although that sounds ironic I just wish we could've ended with a hug and an I love you. Oh well. Maybe it's for the best?? ALSO. He texted me a few minutes after I dropped off his stuff and he said: "I still want to get you something for graduating. I think you really deserve it." I didn't know what to say to that? So I just said "Thanks!!" Men suck Just kidding. I just really love this one
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Thanks!! Yeah I haven't talked to him since all I texted him today was "dropped off your stuff next to your sliding door- good luck with everything." I mean I miss him a lot and talking to him but I'm too afraid to actually start talking to him... I don't wanna be reeled it. But at the same time I wanna hear from him? I guess like you said, the ego thing. I think the thing that hurts the most was he was so rude to me before I broke up with him today.. idk what I'm feeling. I'm just venting/ thinking out loud at this point. I'm just scared to go through all of this I guess, I want to be happy and not think about him anymore. I don't want to worry if I'm gonna have a "good happy day" or "bad lonely day." AND I'm also frustrated that this didn't work out because I loved him a lot.... I'm gonna miss seeing him and talking with him and all that. I love him A LOT. My friends are all there for me of course but I don't want to keep bothering them with this stuff. I'm scared of the lonely feeling I'll get when they are all busy and can't hang out and all that. They have lives too so I'll know I will eventually feel alone. I just don't wanna Gahhhhh. I have wanted to start learning to do fun hobbies so I bought watercolors today and painted my cat that was fun. And I wanna go to my gym like everyday. I'm just gonna miss talking to him. I wish things ended on a "happy" note. Although that sounds ironic I just wish we could've ended with a hug and an I love you. Oh well. Maybe it's for the best?? ALSO. He texted me a few minutes after I dropped off his stuff and he said: "I still want to get you something for graduating. I think you really deserve it." I didn't know what to say to that? So I just said "Thanks!!" Men suck Just kidding. I just really love this one Nah its cool men suck lol. I am one and I think we suck at times. Okay well I completely understand where you are currently so I can help out here. Most people on here only listen to stuff they WANT to hear and get mad at the information they dont WANT to hear so Ill try and give you straight answers... From the sounds of it, you WANT him to be somebody which he just isn't capable of being. He shows signs of it to you, but wont fully get there. Honestly, I dont think he will get there and if he does ever, it will be a LONG time down the road and by that time, you will be with someone MUCH better and MUCH happier than you are right now I assure you. As sure as the sun will rise every morning. Believe me on that.... The worst thing about a BU is lonely. When my ex GF did it to me, I felt SO alone. I had friends and family there, but I felt like I was on an island alone. Sometimes, rarely, I still do. This is where you can learn from me: Life is WAYYYY too short to be worrying about other people. You did everything you could, but this on and off again thing WONT change. You have WAY too much to look forward to and I know you somewhat see it but there is a big stain in the way and that is him. I know you love him....I still love my ex....but dont keep talking to him because you are afraid of being lonely. That is the WORST thing you can do. And to be completly honest with you, the "happy ending breakup" is probably the worst. It keeps the door open and keeps you second guessing EVERYTHING. Your next couple of relationships will falter because there could STILL be that chance, you might see him with someone else and you are back to square one, etc etc. EVERYONE on here says go no contact and most new people/those who havent went through it say "WTF why would I do that? It makes no sense I want to be with this person" Then go on the "what if I send a note (I did that and got laughed at and made fun of) or what if I show up with roses (did that same thing)." Going NC helps with the pain. Time is SOOO crazy with how it heals. You think it won't, but it REALLY does. Do everything you can to keep your mind off of it. Go hang with friends, go to concerts, paint your cat haha. Do whatever you can. When the time is right, you will be ready to date again....and you will find someone 10000X times better than this guy I can promise you that. Use this site for help. You seem incredibly nice so good things will come
hinatticus Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 You're young and will have many more bfs before settling down. First loves are always hard. Took me 3 years to get over mine. That was ages ago and I've had other loves come and go. You seem like a strong girl so I'm sure you'll find happiness. It starts from within, but I'm sure you already know that. Get hobbies, have fun, travel, meet new people, party, enjoy your youth etc. most importantly love yourself! Anyway, good luck! 1
Author hill Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Nah its cool men suck lol. I am one and I think we suck at times. Okay well I completely understand where you are currently so I can help out here. Most people on here only listen to stuff they WANT to hear and get mad at the information they dont WANT to hear so Ill try and give you straight answers... From the sounds of it, you WANT him to be somebody which he just isn't capable of being. He shows signs of it to you, but wont fully get there. Honestly, I dont think he will get there and if he does ever, it will be a LONG time down the road and by that time, you will be with someone MUCH better and MUCH happier than you are right now I assure you. As sure as the sun will rise every morning. Believe me on that.... The worst thing about a BU is lonely. When my ex GF did it to me, I felt SO alone. I had friends and family there, but I felt like I was on an island alone. Sometimes, rarely, I still do. This is where you can learn from me: Life is WAYYYY too short to be worrying about other people. You did everything you could, but this on and off again thing WONT change. You have WAY too much to look forward to and I know you somewhat see it but there is a big stain in the way and that is him. I know you love him....I still love my ex....but dont keep talking to him because you are afraid of being lonely. That is the WORST thing you can do. And to be completly honest with you, the "happy ending breakup" is probably the worst. It keeps the door open and keeps you second guessing EVERYTHING. Your next couple of relationships will falter because there could STILL be that chance, you might see him with someone else and you are back to square one, etc etc. EVERYONE on here says go no contact and most new people/those who havent went through it say "WTF why would I do that? It makes no sense I want to be with this person" Then go on the "what if I send a note (I did that and got laughed at and made fun of) or what if I show up with roses (did that same thing)." Going NC helps with the pain. Time is SOOO crazy with how it heals. You think it won't, but it REALLY does. Do everything you can to keep your mind off of it. Go hang with friends, go to concerts, paint your cat haha. Do whatever you can. When the time is right, you will be ready to date again....and you will find someone 10000X times better than this guy I can promise you that. Use this site for help. You seem incredibly nice so good things will come Thanks.. your words helped a lot. Today was great, I graduated and he was "supposed" to come but obviously since I broke up with him yesterday that didn't happen, but I was fine with it. As a matter of fact I hardly thought about it. I feel good today, I'm just afraid about tomorrow since I will be alone all day and won't have anyone to spend time with. So I'm thinking of going to the library after the gym or painting again. I'm just worried of this whole summer because obviously I won't have a friend with me 24/7. Hanging out and keeping myself occupied makes me feel SOOOO much better. So not having it most days scares me. I'm also afraid of not ever getting over him. I say this because a couple of my friends had break ups with their boyfriends and still a year or two later aren't over it. I don't wanna be that girl. A year from now, I don't want to be sad about him. I don't want it to take years :/ I couldn't sleep last night. I went to sleep at 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM.. I don't want to have nights like that either. Although it could be because I was graduating and the fact that I just ended the relationship.. so maybe the mixed emotions didn't help my sleeping? I'm just so scared... I KNOW I can get through this. I just hate dealing with the "consequences". I.e, sleepless nights, crying "fits." But I know... it can't be easy. It's just frustrating!! GAHHHH. Thanks for your advice it really did help. I don't mind hearing the bluntness of the situation. It's what's best for me really.
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