question to the cheaters..

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Every BS should read this because from what I have heard from MM/MW, this is how they felt. I see BS's say this was not the case. Yes, yes it is.

 

Here is an excerpt from my WW's writings about her affair. This her reflecting back on how she viewed our marriage BEFORE meeting the OM:

 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"We had been married for just over two years. My husband and I considered each other best friends, we were very compatible, and we were in love. Unlike other couples we knew, the two of us rarely fought. At times we chose to disagree, but together we did discuss our differences. I have always thought we communicated well. Truly everything seemed fine.

 

We would spend so many weekends hiking, exercising at the gym, dining out in favorite restaurants, going to the movies, and having great talks. And within that quality time there was a passion between us that has always been very strong. We both felt like we were still on the honeymoon."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

My wife cheated for many reasons, but not because she felt like she was in a stale marriage, or had an awful spouse, or lack of sex. We had passion, we had sex, we both felt good about the state of our marriage.

 

Bottom line for my wife (and every other cheater): she cheated because she wanted to.

 

Her affair fit the pattern that Lecturer outlined in his post.

[anne1707]

Every BS should read this because from what I have heard from MM/MW, this is how they felt. I see BS's say this was not the case. Yes, yes it is.

 

For somebody who objects to sweeping generalisations, why do you make such generalisations to support your need to b*tch about BS?

 

There has been more than one WS - including me - who has already posted very different thoughts/feelings to the ones you say apply to all. I suggest you stop trying to post as if you are the be all and end all expert on affairs.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

It's funny that Lecturer says that the AP was the "happy place" they would go to while with their spouse. Three months later my daughter met with xom because she wanted to find out whether he truly loved me or I was just a piece of a**. He not only told her he loved me, but that he felt like I would always be first in his heart. She told me "mom, you are his happy place".

 

I just thought that was odd you made that statement.

 

Why did they decide to read our names? Well, that's a question for them I guess. The pastors that did it essentially lost their jobs because of how they handled things (by that I mean - attendance dropped, giving stopped because they acted in an uncaring way). They thought biblically it was the right thing to do because we were leaders, when in reality it lead to a huge scandal and it took much longer for the families to recover than it would have had it been handled privately. No, it was not smart at all. They were rogue pastors that acted beyond what the denomination stated they should. There was no love involved in their actions (especially toward our family - they pretty much tossed us to the curb - the woman is always at fault, remember?). Anyway -that's another thread.

[ladydesigner]

It's funny that Lecturer says that the AP was the "happy place" they would go to while with their spouse. Three months later my daughter met with xom because she wanted to find out whether he truly loved me or I was just a piece of a**. He not only told her he loved me, but that he felt like I would always be first in his heart. She told me "mom, you are his happy place".

 

I just don't understand how cowardly these MM and MW are. I mean for god sakes if you seriously feel your AP is your #1 then get out of your M! Sometimes I wonder if my WH thinks about his AP in a 'loving way' because if he does I sure as hell don't want to be married to him.

[janedoe67]

I have talked to cheating spouses who said that they had happy marriages. This blows my mind. I can't fathom why someone who was happy and had their needs met in marriage would blow all that to heck. Cheating is wrong period. Now that I bolded that I can say that my marriage was horrible. There was almost no touch, I was invisible even after trying more ways than I can count to be good enough to earn affection and sex. I was the one with the job that paid the bills and had insurance so how could I leave? That was my twisted thinking. My choices to cheat were wrong and without excuse. Were my husband's choices to turn away, not touch me, refuse sex, and ignore me for years wrong? They don't justify and affair but sometimes I wonder if there are BS's who believe that once someone cheats it doesn't matter how horrible a spouse the BS was because cheating wipes out all the hurts that the BS might have inflicted through actions or inactions or neglect.

 

And even though I know it isn't the "right" thing to say I cannot even imagine that I would have given the doofy loser OM a second glance had the man who promised to love and cherish me actually wanted me.

[So happy together]

I just don't understand how cowardly these MM and MW are. I mean for god sakes if you seriously feel your AP is your #1 then get out of your M! Sometimes I wonder if my WH thinks about his AP in a 'loving way' because if he does I sure as hell don't want to be married to him.

 

 

 

The fact that you wonder is sad and should tell you enough.

[ladydesigner]

The fact that you wonder is sad and should tell you enough.

 

I know it is sad. I am in IC still working through my progress. My WH working hard to convince me he loves me and is WITH me, it's just when I read these boards I tend to think that many of the situations here could be my situation too. I need to get stronger, that I do know. This infidelity thing has sure knocked the life out of me.

[Charlie Harper]

 

Bottom line for my wife (and every other cheater): she cheated because she wanted to.

 

 

Dont use a broad brush to paint all the world pal.

 

The day you are at the hospital struggling with a possible terminal illness and your wife sent you there because she was busy at work, and then leaves you alone to face the whole ordeal, you let me know how you feel. BTW this weekend on fathers day she took off to see her father, and left our 2 sons and I stuck at chillis, great father day dont you think... so dont come here trying to say every cheat is based on narcissism or stupid reasons. Hence why I am divorcing.

 

Ah and BTW I was betrayed for a year, so I also know the other side of the coin...

[Journee]

You know what ,nevermind.

Edited June 20, 2013 by Journee

[wanting more]

Dont use a broad brush to paint all the world pal.

 

The day you are at the hospital struggling with a possible terminal illness and your wife sent you there because she was busy at work, and then leaves you alone to face the whole ordeal, you let me know how you feel. BTW this weekend on fathers day she took off to see her father, and left our 2 sons and I stuck at chillis, great father day dont you think... so dont come here trying to say every cheat is based on narcissism or stupid reasons. Hence why I am divorcing.

 

Ah and BTW I was betrayed for a year, so I also know the other side of the coin...

 

 

Although no where near facing a terminal illness, the day my BSO punched me in my face and broke my nose, then texted me when I was at the hospital to ask "are you going to call the cops? I need to know if I should call in sick to work until I get bailed out" was the day my love and respect was completely lost.

 

My situation doesn't at all justify my A but not all "cheaters" have the loving caring perfect spouse at home.

[viennawaits]

\... but sometimes I wonder if there are BS's who believe that once someone cheats it doesn't matter how horrible a spouse the BS was because cheating wipes out all the hurts that the BS might have inflicted through actions or inactions or neglect.

 

And even though I know it isn't the "right" thing to say I cannot even imagine that I would have given the doofy loser OM a second glance had the man who promised to love and cherish me actually wanted me.

 

Yes, there are some here on LS that believe that. I have had more than one encounter like that.

 

Precisely. I was in a sexless, alcoholic relationship and I was told by BS here that I could not possibly "blame" the affair on my spouse in any way. WTF? Where does the responsibility for the marriage lie? I blieve it has to be both parties. Did I miss something?

 

That being said, I have reconciled with H and I now have a healthy marriage (again). That required changes by BOTH of us.....

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I just don't understand how cowardly these MM and MW are. I mean for god sakes if you seriously feel your AP is your #1 then get out of your M! Sometimes I wonder if my WH thinks about his AP in a 'loving way' because if he does I sure as hell don't want to be married to him.

 

I am only relaying what he told my daughter. After the conversation, and it came out what he told her he tried to skate around it and say "that's not exactly what I said - she misheard" but my daughter said "mom - that is EXACTLY what he said". My daughter had no motivation to tell me that. In fact, it might have been better if she hadn't. All kids want to see their parents stay together so there was no reason for her to lie about it at all. In fact, it came up in conversation when my husband and I were discussing and he was trying to convince me it was all about sex. Then my husband looked at my daughter and asked if she agreed and she said "No dad, it wasnt - i talked to him" and she told my husband what xom had said". My husband immediately texted xomm's wife and said "do you know how deep these feelings are?" And she said "yes - this is why it is so difficult"

 

So I have no doubt he told my daughter what he did and then tried to explain it away when caught, like he did everything else. He was a masterful liar and I believe he is lying to this day even to his wife.

 

I do believe there are BS's on here whose marriages are recovered - it does happen - i am not one to say that the guy goes back to the marriage and is making do with "second best". I don't know that. But drawing from my own experience and being on both sides of the fence I know people go back to the marriage and try to make a go of it and do wonder "what if?" Because I do. And I am certain my husband does too.

 

I was just talking to a friend last night who has been married for over 25 years and she is not in love with her husband - complete void - there aren't any affairs that I am aware of but she doesn't love him. But when I asked why she stayed she admitted it is fear. She doesn't want to lose her house, doesn't want to disappoint her daughters, they are financially at the place where college loans are paid off, house is almost paid off and she can pretty much buy whatever she wants without thinking about it. She doesn't want to lose all of that, but she is miserable.

 

So people do stay in marriages for those reasons. It's very sad.

[Confused48]

If it is true, you are one of the few. Congrats. I mean that sincerely. You're lucky.

 

I doubt that it is as rare as you think it is. It is just that you are a person that ended up with an AP. People in your situation have a different kind of partner than people who's partner wants to reconcile with them. There are plenty of WS's that are in love with their BS. You just won't find that in the crowd you feel most comfortable associating with.

[grassisorisntgreener]

They don't justify and affair but sometimes I wonder if there are BS's who believe that once someone cheats it doesn't matter how horrible a spouse the BS was because cheating wipes out all the hurts that the BS might have inflicted through actions or inactions or neglect.

 

And even though I know it isn't the "right" thing to say I cannot even imagine that I would have given the doofy loser OM a second glance had the man who promised to love and cherish me actually wanted me.

 

This is so true for my current situation. If my husband found out about my affair, he would absolutely use that to dismiss ANY and EVERY single time he hurt me or neglected me.

 

I'm not saying cheating is okay, it's not, and I don't use my husbands actions as my justification... but he is so of that mindset.

 

He told me once that he was a great husband because he didn't cheat on me and didn't hit me. So pretty much he thinks because he keeps his penis in his pants and his hands off me, it excuses any and all other behaviors. He honestly feels that way. I do not.

[sweet_pea]

Dont use a broad brush to paint all the world pal.

 

The day you are at the hospital struggling with a possible terminal illness and your wife sent you there because she was busy at work, and then leaves you alone to face the whole ordeal, you let me know how you feel. BTW this weekend on fathers day she took off to see her father, and left our 2 sons and I stuck at chillis, great father day dont you think... so dont come here trying to say every cheat is based on narcissism or stupid reasons. Hence why I am divorcing.

 

Ah and BTW I was betrayed for a year, so I also know the other side of the coin...

 

I'm sorry you went through that. BUT, are you saying that you had the affair even though you didnt want to, or that you didn't choose to? I'm pretty sure every cheater cheats because they want to/choose to, because as many like to say, they aren't forced to cheat.

Edited June 20, 2013 by sweet_pea

[Charlie Harper]

Great question and good that you asked. After the hospital and such I had "THE CONVERSATION" with my Wife , she said she was sorry, she made mistakes and that she loved me... I swallowed and kept trying, 2 days later she confesed of an affair 8 years prior for a year and that her family supported her on IC, and she was going to divorce me!! I did not even suspected of an A.... I REALLY forgave her but asked what did you yo to improve our relationship after the A becuase in those years I didnt notice ANYTHING, she was like a robot, so I travleed with her, took her out often, bought her lingerie, a new car, remodelled the house, you name it the whole 15 yards....

 

It was like trying to revive a dead corpse. In comes a beautiful blonde exmodel and we became friends, and after 18 months of relationship and friendship we crossed the line, she was crazy about me, gave me all the support I needed and we anded up doing some projects together and everything worked out.. I NEVER though in the beginning I would cheat, after like a year I felt that things got way to emotional and we slipt for 4 months she went away with her husband to travel and so DId I we finally met and both of us knew we were toasted at home no matter what.... so in the ende we crossed the line because we were lonely, wasted emotionally and did have a connection home.... NoBODY forced us and weirdly enough when we decided to cross the boundaries, we had the same thing in mind the same day! I dont regret it, I regret that maybe she will keep living a dead marriage and a destructive relationship. We went N.C. with no problems, very much in love and I hope she can fix her marriage, but in my case my eyes are wide open.

BOTTOM LINE now I know that my wife had an A and probalbly much in love, and I know that once you go that route you lost your marriage partner, why? because I am in that situation now...

 

Sorry for the long post hope it helps

[jnel921]

I know it is sad. I am in IC still working through my progress. My WH working hard to convince me he loves me and is WITH me, it's just when I read these boards I tend to think that many of the situations here could be my situation too. I need to get stronger, that I do know. This infidelity thing has sure knocked the life out of me.

 

I totally understand how you feel. It will take some time before I am convinced to the point where I can say those three important words to my H again.

 

I do believe my H did love me through hid brief A. I am sure he crossed the line because he thought it was great. He was flattered that this woman paid him attention and told him she wanted him. He did feel some guilt. but only after DDay which is sad. While its happening its an adrenaline rush.

 

I am grateful for DDays.Its what puts our lives back into perspective and will either break us or make us depending on the response of the BS and WS.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

Yes, they can cheat on someone they really love. As to the "can't live without", I'm really not sure.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was

crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

Each situation is different. It's cliché, but for some, they just get caught up in the moment. Speaking from personal experience? I didn't think it would exceed the one time hell, I didn't think I was capable of infidelity...I was doing it because my AP and I fell for each other, and I wanted one less thing to regret. I knew I'd feel bad about it, but I wanted to fulfill something we both desperately wanted. It went beyond the physical. However, I won't say I was right, and I won't try to justify it.

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Yes. Endless amounts; to the point of saying farewell to my sanity.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

Again, yes. In fact, attempts were made by both myself, and my AP, to end it.

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As

you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living

a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not

think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I think about my AP all the time; I rarely get to see him. When I'm with him, my husband does enter my mind, and is the reason I hesitate, but it's always fleeting. So maybe some people can separate both lives, but I find I'm constantly shrouded by one while with the other (in particular, since I see my AP only once every 3 to 4 months, I think about him all of the time). Something I plan to resolve as soon as I can.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the

moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

Hasn't happened.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

If I hadn't started, if I had known my feelings for my AP would be on-going, no. I would have waited, toughed it out, and left my partner-cleanly, no infidelity-when the right time presented itself. Now, my situation is much more complicated because I did engage in an affair, instead of doing things the way I should have.

Edited June 21, 2013 by Rebel-Dynasty

[janedoe67]

The broad brush applies with what was said. A cheater DOES cheat because they want to. Otherwise they wouldn't have done it.

 

Or I suppose you are right and there are a bunch of people out there that say to themselves, "I'm gonna F someone else. I don't want to at all, but gonna do it anyway":rolleyes:

 

 

While a WS is in the process of "getting it," they will say they didn't cheat because they wanted to; they will say the wanted to be happy, they wanted to be noticed, they wanted sex, they wanted admiration....that puts distance between them and the magnitude of what they did.

 

BUT...I think I really understood that I understood when I was able to say, "You know what, I can say I wanted, x, y, or z...but I was willing to destroy my character and my BS to do it. So yeah....when you peel away the layers of psychobabble, I did cheat because at that time I wanted to cheat more than I wanted to be faithful because it served MY purposes.

 

I've never understood a WS's hesitance to just call a spade a spade. I mean, do you want the doctor to say, "You don't have pneumonia, you just have a cold that accidentally made your chest x-ray cloudy." Heck no, tell me the truth and give me some medicine!

 

A WS has to decide which is more important - their character or their pride.

[janedoe67]

See you get it. It is what it is and its refreshing when a WS can own up to their actions.

 

I'm confused by the earlier notion that you can't paint all WS's with a broad brush with regards to the idea that they cheated because they wanted to. I don't believe for a minute a WS cheats because the did NOT want to.

 

 

I think it is a disconnect, or maybe just unconscious parsing? Because if you had come up to me 7 or 8 years ago and said "Would you like to cheat on your husband?" I would have said, "No! I never want to cheat!" BUT, if you had said, "Would you like to feel important and desirable and be touched?" I would have said yes to that.

 

Think about a drunk driver. If you ask a drunk driver if they want to endanger people, they will say know. But when they want to knowingly drive themselves home from the bar after a few too many, then, in essence, they MUST want to endanger people because they KNOW - they KNOW that is what they are doing.

 

When someone cheats because they want affection, they may say they don't want to cheat per se, but for all practical purposes, they must, because they KNOW that is what they are doing.

 

It is word games for the sake of feelings. And I am not great for getting it. I NEEDED to see it in all its horribleness so I would be disgusted enough by it to avoid it. I think when we sugar coat things, we tend to forget down the line just how bad they were.

[SweetiePie12]

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without??

 

No. They are like addicts. Addicted to attention.

 

Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

The ability to compartmentalize is sociopathic.

 

As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life?

 

Yes.

 

Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

In my brief experience, he said he'd watch porn at home and think of me. Likewise, he'd talk to me about this lady he lives with until I became so disgusted I asked him to stop.

 

How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face?

 

Good question.

[compulsivedancer]

I guess I'm just trying to understand a little better what goes on the minds of cheaters.. and i have a couple of questions to ask..

 

1) Can cheaters really cheat on someone they truly love and can't live without?? Or do they feel like they dont love their spouse, in the moment.

 

I love(d) my husband very deeply but wasn't fully committed to him. He says this means I didn't love him. I believe that that must be true, as actions speak louder than words, and how could I do this to him if I truly loved him? However, looking back on it, I know what I felt, which was deep love. So maybe I stopped loving him for a while (though I felt love toward him during the A as well), or maybe I loved him, but not in the way that he wanted to be loved. For me, love was a feeling, but for him it was a commitment (as well as a feeling). I believe we are on the same page now, but that doesn't change the fact that looking back it still seems to me that I loved him.

 

2) During the whole affair, im sure there was a point when you knew the line was crossed, why didn't you stop?

 

There were several smaller lines, and as we crossed them, it became easier with each one. The first several lines seemed fairly trivial (eg. he put his arm around me) so they didn't set off the alarm bells like a big line would've.

 

Additionally, I knew what I wanted going into the affair, even though we had to work up to it. I was pretty clear what I was looking for. We actually talked a few times about ending it, and I said that I wasn't ready to end it yet. I was still enjoying it, and I hadn't enjoyed everything there was to enjoy yet. (Besides, I rationalized, once we had sex, what difference did it make whether we had sex another time?)

 

3) Did you feel guilt while having an affair?

 

Not much. Occasionally. I justified the A in my head. I felt it was owed to me and I was taking my due, essentially.

 

The times I did feel guilty were the times that we crossed over into emotional things. I didn't really feel like the sex itself was a betrayal, but when I started having feelings for AP, it scared the heck out of me. Also, there were a couple of times that we did very "couply" things that I felt I should have reserved for H.

 

4) Were you ever thinking you needed/wanted to stop at some point in the affair?

 

We talked about it a couple of times, but I was never ready (and I don't think he ever seriously considered it). Ultimately we ended it the day before DDay because my H was starting to get paranoid and I was worried he'd start digging through my texts. But even then we technically didn't end it; we just said we'd put it on hold until things quieted down then reevaluate. (This has haunted me since, as I was not sure for a long time whether to expect a call or contact from AP in order to "reevaluate." As it never came, I believe his wish for NC is sincere - it's been 6 months now)

 

5) I understand compartmentalization.. but is it really that separated? As you're having the affair and go back home to your spouse, are you really living a double life? Do you not think about your spouse when with the AP and not think about the AP when with your spouse?

 

I thought about AP all the time. Not during sex with H, but during most of my spare time. We were also in near constant contact by text. There were many days I talked to him more than I talked to H. I would go through withdrawal when I couldn't talk to him. I thought about him and/or the affair so much, in fact, that it was a surprise and almost a letdown to realize that I didn't think about him at all the days I was busy with family obligations.

 

H sometimes called or texted while I was with AP, and I often mentioned him in conversation with Ap, as he was obviously a huge part of my life (and AP was a friend), but when we weren't actually discussing him, he was out of my mind.

 

6)How did you feel when the affair was found out? How did you feel at the moment, looking into your spouses face? What did you feel?

 

I felt awful. I was at first just upset at being discovered (that upset that you get when you are punished, I'd guess), but when I realized how hurt he was, I felt miserable that I had caused him all that pain. I was also very angry. He actually texted me at work when he found out, and I was mostly annoyed at that point. It wasn't until I got home and saw him that it really hit me. But I was so messed up and into my own twisted logic that I wasn't able to be truly remorseful for a day or two until I could really talk it through and see where my logic was all crazy.

 

7) Would you have an affair again?

 

No. Oddly enough, our marriage was pretty good before the A. This has caused so much agony for all of us, and collateral damage that I never would've imagined. Only things out of our control should be allowed to hurt us this much. The fact that I willingly caused this much pain is unimaginable, and yet that didn't stop me (I guess because I didn't take the time to imagine it.)

 

I request the BS to not answer the questions with they're selfish, they're entitled, they're narcissists.. i dont disagree with you. But I really wanted to get a grasp of what really goes through the mind of a cheater when they cheat.. Thank you in advance.

 

I am answering the questions the way the OP asked me to. It is too bad that the discussion has gotten so off-track. Notice that there is one person (Journee), who commented that she wasn't even going to bother posting as a result. Let's not get sidetracked by focusing on stuff that should be discussed in other threads. Instead, let's help OP and others who are interested by letting them get answers to their questions!

[viennawaits]

No. They are like addicts. Addicted to attention.

 

 

If you mean they didn't get married to be ignored, sexless and verbally abused, then, yes, they are addicted to attention.

 

Marriages don't fall apart over night. Mine went through years of distancing, alcohol problems, lack of intimacy and other such problems before my A. When you are living in that sort of relationship, and someone suddenly wants you to be their everything, it is quite powerful.

 

That did not for one moment diminish what I felt for my H. Things had simply changed. People grow, and they don't always do it in the same direction. With much work for both of us, we've managed to patch things back together.

 

Judgemental much?