Jump to content

What is it that makes us fall hard for people?

JuneJulySeptember

By JuneJulySeptember
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

JuneJulySeptember Established Member

JuneJulySeptember

Posted
Posted (edited)

What is it that makes us fall for people and make certain ones so hard to forget and get over? What makes it painful? The rejection? Like in tangible terms. I'm a very analytical person, so I believe every problem has a source and thus a cure. :cool:

 

For instance, I saw this Middle Eastern/Indian woman at the graduate school office a few weeks ago. She was so beautiful. So striking. I walked out of the building thinking about how ridiculous she was and then forgot all about it until today.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to talk to a few different women at a networking event, and they blew me off pretty badly. I was pissed about it that night and think I even posted something here about it, but it doesn't bother me today.

 

Those two events illustrated how neither rejection nor beauty on it's own can make very deep of an impression emotionally. In addition, I have met some pretty cool girls and watched them date/marry other men and never felt and anger, jealousy, or pain.

 

But getting rejected by a few select women has caused me such pain and anguish that have lasted years. Probably equivalent to getting over a breakup for a normal person.

 

What is it that causes those few certain people to stick in our hearts so much longer? Is it hurt pride because of rejection? Do we really miss them as people like we'd miss our parents if they passed? Or are we projecting them as a savior to our own inner loneliness and unhappiness?

Edited by JuneJulySeptember
BluEyeL Established Member

BluEyeL

Posted
Posted

I am not sure, I just speak for myself. When I took a long time, longer time than normal, to get over someone it was because for some reason, I felt that that person was a very good match for me, we had lots in common, he showed attention then retracted it, and I felt that all things considered, he SHOULD HAVE liked me. The others, that I didn't feel were such great matches "on paper" or with who the conversation wasn't flowing, I had low hopes for, so I didn't fall from too high. So maybe it's the hopes we have with some are higher based on our own whatever criteria, so when we bring these hopes high and then crush them, that's when we take longer to heal.

  • Like 1
eastcoastgirl88 Established Member

eastcoastgirl88

Posted
Posted
What is it that makes us fall for people and make certain ones so hard to forget and get over? What makes it painful? The rejection? Like in tangible terms. I'm a very analytical person, so I believe every problem has a source and thus a cure. :cool:

 

For instance, I saw this Middle Eastern/Indian woman at the graduate school office a few weeks ago. She was so beautiful. So striking. I walked out of the building thinking about how ridiculous she was and then forgot all about it until today.

 

A couple of weeks ago I was trying to talk to a few different women at a networking event, and they blew me off pretty badly. I was pissed about it that night and think I even posted something here about it, but it doesn't bother me today.

 

Those two events illustrated how neither rejection nor beauty on it's own can make very deep of an impression emotionally. In addition, I have met some pretty cool girls and watched them date/marry other men and never felt and anger, jealousy, or pain.

 

But getting rejected by a few select women has caused me such pain and anguish that have lasted years. Probably equivalent to getting over a breakup for a normal person.

 

What is it that causes those few certain people to stick in our hearts so much longer? Is it hurt pride because of rejection? Do we really miss them as people like we'd miss our parents if they passed? Or are we projecting them as a savior to our own inner loneliness and unhappiness?

 

Good question. I consider myself very introspective too so I want to figure out the answer to this as well.

 

I think human relationships, romantic ones to be specific, are the greatest of life's mysteries. That's why love is the subject of so much art, literature etc. Love is hard to explain.

 

At least for me, when I really fall for someone, I for more than just them. I fall for the idea of what we could be. I fall for our future life together. I project all my hopes and dreams on the person. I often put the guy on a pedestal.

 

I think this is why it's so hard to get over people you really love. You're not only losing the person, you're having to redefine your life's expectations.

eastcoastgirl88 Established Member

eastcoastgirl88

Posted
Posted
I am not sure, I just speak for myself. When I took a long time, longer time than normal, to get over someone it was because for some reason, I felt that that person was a very good match for me, we had lots in common, he showed attention then retracted it, and I felt that all things considered, he SHOULD HAVE liked me. The others, that I didn't feel were such great matches "on paper" or with who the conversation wasn't flowing, I had low hopes for, so I didn't fall from too high. So maybe it's the hopes we have with some are higher based on our own whatever criteria, so when we bring these hopes high and then crush them, that's when we take longer to heal.

 

I agree with this!!! Very well said.

 

It's hard not to get mad at yourself for screwing something up with someone who, like BluEyeL said, you felt you were a great match with.

 

It's hard not to question what you should've/could've done differently.

 

It's ESPECIALLY hard when the person really liked you in the beginning and you feel it went south because of something YOU did.

  • Like 1
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

IMO, we each have a different attraction/bonding style and triggers for 'falling hard'. Hence, the specifics will be different, even if only marginally different, for each of us.

 

As a relative outlier, I've 'fallen hard' only very rarely, and generally from specific patterns of emotional and spiritual synergy and transparency, where we 'see' or appear to see each other elementally. That has little to do with physicality, hence the women I've 'fallen hard' for are all over the place physically, meaning no 'type'.

 

Hence, to process those out, I have to mentally and emotionally process the ending like a death, grieve it and move on.

  • Like 1
MrNate 2.0 Established Member

MrNate 2.0

Posted
Posted

The simple answer is people value things or experiences that don't come easy.

 

Love doesn't come easy. So when it does, the amount vested from someone is a lot.

  • Like 2
Ninjainpajamas Established Member

Ninjainpajamas

Posted
Posted

Well...for some people it isn't hard to fall in "love"

 

You'll see a lot of people fall in "love" with the idea of people, rather than who or what they really are. It's very easy for some, especially those who desperately want to be in that state of mind or have these expectations for themselves and their love lives/future.

 

Others don't have that much of an issue with it, they know their type is, they have good boundaries and expectations, and it just basically goes from there into a relationship.

 

People tend to get wrapped up in the idea that they'll never find someone else "like this" again, it's a fear of being alone and resides within an insecurity and even a fear of abandonment...in the end they always find someone else to love the vast majority of the time.

 

In the end unfortunately, I'd attribute most of what people experience more to do with their own issues and psychological factors than "love".

  • Like 1
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

I consider myself having never been in love.

 

However, some men have left deep impact on me while others, I got over in 2 days. It's hard to say what it is. I connect to so few people that when I feel a genuine connection and chemistry, it's hard for me to let go of it. Usually I seem to be drawn to fantasy and men that are not available for a relationship but I still get to know well. I love artistic, emotional men with rich inner lives over rigid, logical ones.. Looks are surprisingly much less important.

  • Like 2
ChessPieceFace Established Member

ChessPieceFace

Posted
Posted

It's not a logical thing. It's some innate longing inside us, the "love" switch in our brains, telling our conscious mind that we need to be with someone. When we can't it drives us crazy, and the inability to be with them makes us want them more and more.

 

I had it bad for a few girls in my life, the worst when I was 19 or so. Looking back at who she was/is, logically I wouldn't really want to be chained to that. But the spark of attraction is still in my head 18 years later, and probably always will be.

xxoo Established Member

xxoo

Posted
Posted

I think there is a chemical element. For whatever reason, being with this person releases the feel-good chemicals that we think of as "in love". The denial of that person is the denial of that rush. It's lower than status quo; it's withdrawal level.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...