NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'd turn this around on him. Don't contact him until he contacts you. Then ask him why he's bugging you since you've got a lot to deal with. Then ditch the assh01e. That's exactly how I would play it, too. Although, come to think of it, I think if OP ignores him for a few days, he might come back and pre-empt her move and break up with her himself. Which of course would be the same (a breakup is a breakup), but I like to take matters into my own hands in such a case, and do the breaking up myself.
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 This guy is treating you like crap. You shouldn't accuse him of cheating but regardless it's not acceptable! Lose him, lose him, lose him. My friend has a boyfriend who was super hit and heavy and goes up and down like this and back--- it's been 3.5 years now and it's as bad as its ever been. I've seen her self esteem drop and her cry so much thinking its her or is he up to something because there is no SANE explanation for his behavior. Just get out before that's you. Maybe he's overwhelmed but this is not acceptable. And I will tell you with my friend a couple times she summoned the strength to end things and he came back hot and heavy - until it was secure then back to the same neglecting her and making it seem like she's the one who doesn't know how to conduct a relationship. Was she dating my ex??? :confused::confused:
tbf Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 We've dealt with some serious problems in our relationship before. I had to go through some very traumatic surgery not to long ago & he was there 100% of the way. Paid for it, let me stay at his house to recover, had his assistant run the store so he stay home & cook etc. show me much compassion. The night I accused him of cheating is when it all went down from there. Just put a wall up & won't call me babe etc. I keep saying I love you to make sure he'll say it back which he does without studder. (There's was a time where he would say I care about you instead of love when he's mad) I'm just going to give him space till he's ready to talk. I know this may sound stupid but I don't know if i should continue packing & planning our vacation in a few weeks. We still haven't made a list of all the things we need to bring so I'm getting nervous since we also invited 6 of our closes friends on our trip (were camping, but were outdoorsy people)So what you're saying is that no matter how badly he treats you, you'll defend him and stay with him. It's not surprising he's treating you like crap since he has no motivation to improve his behaviour. While men aren't children, look at this as if he's a child. If a child continues to get their way by throwing tantrums, why would they stop? That's exactly how I would play it, too. Although, come to think of it, I think if OP ignores him for a few days, he might come back and pre-empt her move and break up with her himself. Which of course would be the same (a breakup is a breakup), but I like to take matters into my own hands in such a case, and do the breaking up myself.Whomever breaks up doesn't matter. These two aren't married or living together. He's lost all respect for her so the relationship is done, unless she wishes to be his lifelong whipping boy, someone to lash out at when he's feeling down or stressed. 2
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I think I remember from the OP that minkmal is looking for help not a tirade. It will be her decision to make that he is an ******* to be dispensed with. Let her make the choice. Help her to make the choice herself. Oh trust me. Ladies here speak from some experience. This is why some of us are so outspoken, and somewhat defiant. Because we know what it's like to have lived with a passive-aggressive selfish controlling jerk.... We are definitely helping her to make the choice herself. By letting her see the wood for the trees. Do I sound mad? You bet - principally, mad with myself that I let someone get away with this for so long over me.... I apologise for letting my feelings get the better of me.... So what you're saying is that no matter how badly he treats you, you'll defend him and stay with him. It's not surprising he's treating you like crap since he has no motivation to improve his behaviour. While men aren't children, look at this as if he's a child. If a child continues to get their way by throwing tantrums, why would they stop? Bingo. 1
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I you TaraMaiden. I finally saw sense and dumped my ex.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Yes, and i saw you recently took a fair bit of flak for going to bed with a married guy you met in a bar. I think not many people are comfortable with a woman who acts like an awful lot of men do.....
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Yes, and i saw you recently took a fair bit of flak for going to bed with a married guy you met in a bar. I think not many people are comfortable with a woman who acts like an awful lot of men do..... Yes -- double standards work like that, don't they. At least I was single at the time, and didn't cheat, which is more than what I could say for the guy, my ex, and plenty of men who have cheated on their gfs/wives.
pcplod Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 We've dealt with some serious problems in our relationship before. I had to go through some very traumatic surgery not to long ago & he was there 100% of the way. Paid for it, let me stay at his house to recover, had his assistant run the store so he stay home & cook etc. show me much compassion. The night I accused him of cheating is when it all went down from there. Just put a wall up & won't call me babe etc. I keep saying I love you to make sure he'll say it back which he does without studder. (There's was a time where he would say I care about you instead of love when he's mad) I'm just going to give him space till he's ready to talk. I know this may sound stupid but I don't know if i should continue packing & planning our vacation in a few weeks. We still haven't made a list of all the things we need to bring so I'm getting nervous since we also invited 6 of our closes friends on our trip (were camping, but were outdoorsy people) That's a difficult situation to be in. Is there no way that you can talk to him sooner rather than later? I mean, to accuse him of cheating on you when, we will assume that he has not, has got to be hurtful and it is saying "I don't trust you". Worse than that, it undermines his confidence in you, especially when he probably needs it most. Could you not pick a lull in the storm, so-to-speak to explain yourself fully and simply apologise? Apologising even when you don't think you should or need to to, doesn't make you a heel, a submissive or someone who allows themselves to be used and abused. As long as it does not become habitual. Then it dysfunctional behaviour on your part. Personally, I tend to apologise too frequently, out of habit. The problem is that when you do that it becomes devalued to the people who hear it from you, eg. "Meh, he's always apologising instead of not doing x, y, z". However, I also believe in tactical apologising, simply to get what you want, to achieve what you want (or need to). It could also be an important test for him. I would reasonably expect him to apologise in return, to want to make the peace, for his sake as much as yours. If he does not, then I think it might well be a sign that you might want to rethink the relationship. To be able to survive living in one another's shadow like married couples do, I think that you have to be both flexible and forgiving, within reason. If he decides to take the high moral ground he is effectively telling you that he doesn't want to resolve the issue between you. Sure you can give him time to stew or reflect, but this sort of problem, does it really resolve itself by just leaving it alone? I suspect it doesn't. Apart from which this proposed camping trip is imposing it's own constraints. Do you want to call it off and deal with the ramifications or do you want to go through with it because of the friends involved and have them possibly watch the awkwardness between you as a curiosity? Your dilemma is if you cancel, then you will be under pressure to offer some explanation to them unless you want to hack them off too. On the other hand, you will want to keep private matters private, as far as possible. If you go ahead and cancel without discussing it with him, it can only make things worse, so I can't see how you can avoid discussing the whole business with him sooner, rather than later. Does any of this make sense?
pcplod Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I apologise for letting my feelings get the better of me.... If I dare to venture it, I don't want or expect you to apologise. And I can sympathize with you and any other woman who has been through what you have been through, even though I can't empathize. Having said that, I've always imagined that living with a passive/aggressive woman would possibly be one of my worst possible living nightmares. Without going into any details, I've been at close quarters seeing it happen to other men, in real time. It wasn't pretty, I'll readily confess.
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