minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) I'll try to make this long story short. My boyfriend and I are in our late 20s and will be together for one year in 15 days, we planned a 2w vacation as well to celebrate. The problem I'm having with our relationship the last few months is my many insecurities such as I believe hes cheating on me even though he isnt, I suspect this because he's done some things behind my back that I frowned upon but forgave, but no permanent damage. My bf used to come to me with all his problems, and really used to confide in me when he was down, but lately hes has this niche about being a man and being able to handle his own problems on his own. So now he just flat out ignores me for days at a time, even if I call or text him he refuses to answer me. My friends will text him something (since were all close) and he'll rely asap! He took me out for a wonderful romantic evening last week where I felt like things were going to be fine, few days later he started being grumpy and making me feel bad about myself and my life, as though I am an idiot and not the girl I used to be. 4 nights ago he tells me he has a work meeting and he'll be gone late. I waited till 11pm and called him, he answers the phone "WHAT DO YOU WANT???? im busy!" I said "I dont know what kind of work meetings go on till 11pm..." (suspecting hes cheating) him "I cant believe your accusing me again, I cant take it, you smother me and I wish you would go out and do something without me for once, go live your life and let me be for a bit" so I did... I didnt bother him for four days while my stomach turned. I gave in this morning and called him, & he answered. I ask what is going on and something is wrong, he tells me "Yes my mother is in the hospital with heart failure and I am the only boss to my company now (he had 2 co-owners with him before) so when you call me with stupid **** to talk about I cant deal. I love you but I can take care of myself. please give me space you dont understand my life or stresses" then he started talking down to me again as though I am a child and need to get my **** together (which I DO!) I cried, I felt completely useless. Hes so passive aggressive towards me lately, this is a man that would never ever talk down to me, one minute were in love the next he cant stand me I told him "hey I LOVE you so much I will do anything for you, take care of you, I will never accuse you of cheating again, that was wrong of me, Im here for you" He said he would see me tonight, but later texted that he didnt want to see me tonight... Im at a lost here and dont know what to do... we dont live together so I cant exactly get his attention to talk except on his terms... please someone help. Edited June 16, 2013 by minkiemal
Floridita Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) I dated a guy like this once. Everything had to be on HIS terms and convenient for HIM. He would straight up ignore me if he "didn't feel like talking."...AFTER THREE YEARS OF DATING. They don't change. Selfish to the end. ETA: I should clarify that there were no accusations of cheating or anything overly dramatic. So it's not quite the same. Edited June 16, 2013 by Floridita 1
InsaneTrombone Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 First of all, you need to cut out the suspicion, jealousy, cheating bull****. That is utter crap. If you really think he's doing something, go out for yourself and find evidence of it and then confront him about it..but just because hes out late doing whatever doesn't mean you simply jump to that conclusion. You need some trust in your BF, and it would be VERY bothersome if my GF kept smothering me with phone calls and checking up on me because she thinks im cheating on her. Trust the man, because these little issues are stemming from you're lack of trust to your partner. Secondly, he's handling it wrong, no doubt about it. But if you become trusting, the situation never evolves. If you think he's changed something, is acting weird, different and may be cheating, you have all the right to try and find out and of course he'd deny these allegations to you. Go find out for yourself to ease your mind, but be very aware if he finds out you went to the end of the earth to try and prove hes cheating and he wasn't, you won't be in a relationship any longer. 3
Author minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 First of all, you need to cut out the suspicion, jealousy, cheating bull****. That is utter crap. If you really think he's doing something, go out for yourself and find evidence of it and then confront him about it..but just because hes out late doing whatever doesn't mean you simply jump to that conclusion. You need some trust in your BF, and it would be VERY bothersome if my GF kept smothering me with phone calls and checking up on me because she thinks im cheating on her. Trust the man, because these little issues are stemming from you're lack of trust to your partner. Secondly, he's handling it wrong, no doubt about it. But if you become trusting, the situation never evolves. If you think he's changed something, is acting weird, different and may be cheating, you have all the right to try and find out and of course he'd deny these allegations to you. Go find out for yourself to ease your mind, but be very aware if he finds out you went to the end of the earth to try and prove hes cheating and he wasn't, you won't be in a relationship any longer. I agree, project a lot of insecurities on to him lately, I guess could say I'm having a quarter life crisis, not just with him but other things in my life that have been shifting. I wanted to add I tried breaking up with him the night he talked down to me first, I told him "if you dont see a future with me, or giving you what I can as a woman then you have to let me go and find someone who does want what I have to give" and he simply said that he loved me and wanted a future with me and that I had nothing to worry about. I'm working on my smothering... hasnt been easy. When I called him he even said he was surprised I went as long as I did without bugging him. but honestly, Ive never dated a guy who has asked for so much space but yet wont break up with me? am I crazy here?
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 He sounds overwhelmed and frustrated with his life, but also seems to be pulling away from you. I think he's just seeing you as a nuisance and a void of attention seeking and validation but have nothing to offer him in return. In the beginning or how he used to be is typical for a guy who simply does that with women...he was able to do that because he didn't really know or see you as the person you are, you were just this person to confide in and share all these emotions and thoughts with...it wasn't as much about you as it was just someone that listens. I think the guy is over the relationship and his tolerance level of you is slipping and I don't think there is anything you can do, in these situations a guy like this has already made up his mind and has likely been agitated with you for some time...he just "puts up" with it. Your typical insecure move will be to smother him even more and cling to him as soon as you give him "his space"...you'll expect him to reciprocate or for things to go back to normal but I think his patience will run thin and he'll just blow up in your face...I don't think he sees as you as understand or equal at all...and instead of trying to live up to his expectations you should be demanding communication and making a stand, men respect women who have self-respect and draw a line rather than just melt for a man and try to conform just to try to appease him...plus that tactic never works, there's nothing you can do to "appease" a guy, he won't ever be satisfied, sometimes you got to set the situation straight and express what you won't tolerate...the problem is you're too scared of losing him so you'll settle for bread crumbs and tolerate the neglect thinking that it'll just someday magically get better or change...you'll eventually tell him you're sad, hurt and all that jazz...he'll apologize and pretend to make nice then quickly revert to being annoyed with you again and then you'll be so "confused" because things were going well for a matter of days or weeks The guy does have a high possibility to cheat in this environment, just to release some stress and to confide in someone he feels "understands him", this is a vulnerable situation that many of the nurturing kind of drawn to like flies to crap...they'll try to be there for him and talk to him even though they know he has a GF....many women don't care about the fact that men have a GF, they only take it personal when it's themselves, so this is an easy situation for him to find himself in if he does have another go-to woman. He'll even exaggerate how he's not understood and supported by you anymore the other woman (assuming there is one) will buy it completely and feel sorry for him thinking that maybe she can be the one, the one that he needs and all that crap. I don't know what's happening in your situation exactly and whether he has another woman but the above is the gist of how it usually goes, people do the same shet in slightly different ways...men are extremely predictable and almost robotic in how they cheat. He's pushing you away though that's for sure, and the harder you squeeze the more he'll resent you...you need to change your tactics completely and check this guy, instead of just letting him pummel you with a load of self-loathing and self-pity...he's not letting you be supportive, he's not asking for you to be there, he's not allowing you to be apart of his life...partly because he doesn't feel you can help and partly because he doesn't want you to. You need to demand some communication and respect here, don't let him manipulate you and turn it back around...it's a relationship, he needs to be there in it...if that's too much for him and he doesn't want to play ball, then you need to walk away...although that's exactly what he might want you to do because he's too cowardly in telling you it's over and there's another woman in the picture. 4
Floridita Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 He actually said he surprised you went so long without "bugging" him?? Well, that shows what he thinks of you. 2
shexy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 It sounds to me like he feels you're smothering him, whether you realize you're doing it or not. NOBODY is going to enjoy being accused of cheating all the time - your insecurity will drive him away, no doubt. If it were me, I'd give him his space. Leave him alone for a few days - this means don't call him, don't text him, don't FB him....let him be. 2
Author minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Well, the first night he talked down to me I tried to break up with him, I told him "if you dont see a future with me, you dont want what I can give as a woman, then you have to let me go and find someone who will want all the things I can give, if you want someone else then be with someone else" (said it in a loving way too) He didnt want to break up, he said he did want what I have but kind of hinted that he wanted to get his life in order before he makes any "life long commitments" and wants to be able to take care of me. This I understand because he runs his own small business
eastcoastgirl88 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Best way to get a guy's attention in this case is to DO NOTHING. You will be in agony. But you MUST not contact him. I promise, he will contact you as soon as he has something to say to you. Maybe he will have a better control of his stresses or maybe he will want to break up. When he is ready to talk listen to him calmly and rationally and then decide how you want to proceed with the relationship. 1
Author minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 like I said, my heart & gut doesnt think hes cheating, its my head doing it to me. we were both engaged before we met to someone else, and conquincidence we were both cheated on by our fiances :-\ so he just tries to explain he has no reason to put me through that pain again I just do this to myself cause I dont think I could live being cheated on by someone i love or trust again.
Ninjainpajamas Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) Well, the first night he talked down to me I tried to break up with him, I told him "if you dont see a future with me, you dont want what I can give as a woman, then you have to let me go and find someone who will want all the things I can give, if you want someone else then be with someone else" (said it in a loving way too) He didnt want to break up, he said he did want what I have but kind of hinted that he wanted to get his life in order before he makes any "life long commitments" and wants to be able to take care of me. This I understand because he runs his own small business That's not good enough...very few guys if any will go that route through breaking up with someone, that's way too direct and they'll feel way too guilty and have second thoughts about giving you up, especially without a backup girl. So of course he'll say no, but that means absolutely nothing, because in the end you're still playing by his rules and for that he's not going to respect you. You need to have a big boy and girl conversation about your relationship and talk about all the things you want to talk about and how you feel and what your expectations are, reminding him that he doesn't need to live up to them if he doesn't feel, but this is what you would like in your relationship and feel you're being fair in that...explain how often you'd like to meet or talk or what not, what you NEED while still allowing him to take his space. The problem is here is this guy isn't doing it on his own, you're actually having to have a conversation to force this guy into this goal but at the same time it'll teach him and tell him exactly what's expected of him...he should understand that rationale owning a business. Sure you can play little BS games that'll pull him back in for some time, but after he realizes you're swinging on his nuts again and he's comfortable enough to shift back into the paradigm of control on which you've bestowed on him by allowing him to do it thus far...he simply will, that's child's play. Now if he doesn't have the time, energy, will to do all of this (which I guarantee If a Victoria secret model comes off the street wanting to meet with him he will "magically" have time" then he simply doesn't have the time for this relationship...then it's not going to work, tell him to call you when "his business is together"...you'd be a fool to go through all this crap for this guy until some undetermined date, it could take years of neglect like this...I know women like to do the whole "Ohhh all this investment and sorrow, but down the road butterflies will fly and the sun will shine and it'll all be worth it) but don't be surprised if you're just dreaming that dream for a long, long time. Men just don't just change like that, they are what they are after the initial BS they use to wheel you in, where they are attentive, caring, yadda yadda yadda. Edited June 16, 2013 by Ninjainpajamas 2
FitChick Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Stop contacting him, distract yourself, take a class, learn to skydive, go out of town for a short vacation, redecorate your apartment, dye your hair, etc. That way if and when he contacts you, you will have lots of stories about how you've managed quite well and had fun without him. If he truly loves you he will worry about losing you. If not... You might even decide to dump him yourself. Your life shouldn't revolve around his life.
tbf Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'd turn this around on him. Don't contact him until he contacts you. Then ask him why he's bugging you since you've got a lot to deal with. Then ditch the assh01e. 3
writergal Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I agree with FitChick that you need to back off and focus on yourself by taking classes, or spending more time with friends or family. Give your boyfriend some space and just leave him alone. Ask yourself why you feel insecure with yourself, and insecure with the relationship. Here's a good list of smothering behavior vs loving behavior from eHarmony. Read through it and really think about why you smother your romantic partners. Do you do this with your friendships as well? If you don't figure out how to be secure with yourself first, then you will never be secure with any relationships that you have and will end up driving those partners away from pestering them too much. Smothering - Can You Love Too Much? - eHarmony Advice 1
Author minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I agree with FitChick that you need to back off and focus on yourself by taking classes, or spending more time with friends or family. Give your boyfriend some space and just leave him alone. Ask yourself why you feel insecure with yourself, and insecure with the relationship. Here's a good list of smothering behavior vs loving behavior from eHarmony. Read through it and really think about why you smother your romantic partners. Do you do this with your friendships as well? If you don't figure out how to be secure with yourself first, then you will never be secure with any relationships that you have and will end up driving those partners away from pestering them too much. Smothering - Can You Love Too Much? - eHarmony Advice Wow this was much appreciated! Thank you!
KatZee Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 As good intentioned as you think you're being, he sees it as you being obnoxious and annoying. I'm getting the feeling at this point, from what you've written here that he's almost completely done with you. Salvaging this is going to be extremely difficult and it would require you to do a complete 180 in your behavior. He doesn't feel comfortable around you, he feels stressed. A guy doesn't want to be with someone who stresses him out, especially if he has other stuff to deal with. The last thing he wants is a girlfriend who's constantly accusing him of cheating. I can see why he's being nasty with you, because if a guy did this to me, I'd have the same reaction. Stop contacting him. I wouldn't contact him at all until he comes to you. It may be a day, it may be a week, maybe it will be longer. DO NOT reach out to him. He wants to be away from you, and the only chance of you remaining with him is if you go away right now. In every way, shape and form.
runningfar Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 This guy is treating you like crap. You shouldn't accuse him of cheating but regardless it's not acceptable! Lose him, lose him, lose him. My friend has a boyfriend who was super hit and heavy and goes up and down like this and back--- it's been 3.5 years now and it's as bad as its ever been. I've seen her self esteem drop and her cry so much thinking its her or is he up to something because there is no SANE explanation for his behavior. Just get out before that's you. Maybe he's overwhelmed but this is not acceptable. And I will tell you with my friend a couple times she summoned the strength to end things and he came back hot and heavy - until it was secure then back to the same neglecting her and making it seem like she's the one who doesn't know how to conduct a relationship. 1
ChessPieceFace Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 First of all, you need to cut out the suspicion, jealousy, cheating bull****. That is utter crap. Why? There's plenty of warning signs that he might be cheating. I mean, maybe he's genuinely wanting his own space for days at a time... ignoring her texts... talking down to her... changing plans on her... But even in that case they still have serious problems. OP, what did he "do behind your back" that you forgave? You need to somehow get to the bottom of what he's up to, without letting him know you're snooping. I don't know you, perhaps you are genuinely driving him crazy and he has a right to be annoyed with you. In any case you have to figure it out, we can't.
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'm sorry, but personally, I don't see your behaviour as smothering or overwhelming. I think you label it as such because you're afraid to confirm it's quite normal to see how your BF is, when he's not home by 11 (see how he turned the issue back onto your shoulders?? Did he actually explain where he was, or why he had been delayed??)or to ask what's been happening when you haven't heard from him for 4 days, and he tells you to leave him alone because "you don't understand my life or my stresses". Well Bullschytt, and phukk you for that. If you were to open up to me more, and share the load, and not be so secretive, evasive and defensive, maybe I could help you carry that crap. I don't think your behaviour is wrong, smothering or bugging him at all. I think it's perfectly normal, natural and caring behaviour. He's convinced you you're too heavy on him, and sadly, he's convinced you to agree. But I really think he's wrong, and so, obviously - are you. I mean, for godd's sake - what would it be like if you were married to him, with a small child,and you actually lived with him? Perish the thought..... I have to say, I'm entirely, 100% with tbf's advice, right here: I'd turn this around on him. Don't contact him until he contacts you. Then ask him why he's bugging you since you've got a lot to deal with. Then ditch the assh01e. People in relkationships are supposed to be ble to comunicate on an equal footing. I'm afraid he considers himself to be far and away "above" treating you in the way he should. In the way you deserve, You are NOT clingy, smothering, bugging him, bothering him or stifling him. he's a jackass. Go No Contact - and honestly? From your perspective? Consider this well and truly over. no matter how much he might try to cajole, convince and pull you back into his zone of control. It's not what he says, to do that. It's what he DOES. And right now, all his actions point to him being a total stinking sphincter. 1
pcplod Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) You are pressuring him and he is not handling it at all well. In fact, you are both in a crisis situation, driven by external factors (his mother and the business) and neither of you are handling it well. As a result it is crossing boundaries and invading your private life. The sad thing is that there is nothing extraordinary in either the scenario or how many people handle it, ie badly. The fact is that the business situation is putting him under a lot of pressure and he is getting really anxious about it and he doesn't have the chutzpah to see it through, or at least it looks like it is in the balance and he may teeter off the plinth. In his mind he needs to focus almost exclusively on dealing with this hopefully short-term but acute crisis and to the back of it all is his mother's condition. He is wondering whether he might lose her, which in his case would be a double blow, both emotional and practical, familial and business. He is looking for breathing and thinking space that frankly he is not really entitled to, or at least he needs to negotiate for it properly. At this time he is expecting you to support him by being strong individually but instead you are, on your own admission, suspicious about him, whether warranted or not, crying, smothering him, distracting him. It's like someone insisting in talking incessantly in your ear when you are trying to read and comprehend something complicated, urgent and critical. Frankly, at that moment you could happily strangle them. I'll be honest with you, without taking sides. This is the first critical moment that you both have faced together since meeting a year ago, but if you were to become a permanent partnership it won't be the last. If neither of you can handle it in an appropriate way, then you both might as well throw the towel in. You also might both want to ask whether either of you are partnership material. This is a make-or-break situation for both of you, not only in terms of your relationship, but also in your lives as individuals. You learn positively from this and grow as both individuals and as a couple or you crash and burn and probably both set yourselves back years. In a worst case scenario, let's say for a moment he is having an affair, do you think for a moment that reacting the way you are that it is a positive or helpful way to respond, in your interests? I would suggest not, no matter what happens. You can be stronger than this, you can not only survive such a possibility but thrive through it and from it. Believe in yourself, in your very core, your ability to survive and bounce back, no matter what. And he needs to get perspective. If he has long-lasting feelings for you, this crisis is small beer when you set it in the context of trying to be one, together, for decades to come. The sad fact is that most of us can't do that, not even near and one of the reasons for it is momentary or not so momentary loss of sane, rational appropriate perspective. When you are old and crumbly you will come to accept that the relationships and quality of them are far more important to you than basically anything else. Basic survival is important, sure, but it is not what will make you relish and appreciate life. As an aside, this "passive-aggressive" thing is mostly bull$h1t. Established, recognised psychologists can't even agree whether it is a distinct behavioural trait, or just a lazy, populist label for a conglomeration of a range of other more mundane traits that we all can exhibit from time-to-time to varying degrees. Unfortunately, Joe Soap and friends have latched onto it and use it in all sort of inappropriate ways without even fully understanding what it means. Why not keep it simple and say he is being impatient, insensitive, unthinking and trying to control his compunction to explode in your face by evading you. I mean, we all like to avoid problems rather than have to resolve them, don't we? The man needs to learn to multi-task better, it need not be any more complicated than that. Neither of you are the complete article from an emotional maturity perspective, but then none of us are. It is something that we are honour-bound to strive for while acknowledging, like the end of the rainbow, we will never arrive there. Edited June 16, 2013 by pcplod 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 As an aside, this "passive-aggressive" thing is mostly bull$h1t. Established, recognised psychologists can't even agree whether it is a distinct behavioural trait, or just a lazy, populist label for a conglomeration of a range of other more mundane traits that we all can exhibit from time-to-time to varying degrees. Unfortunately, Joe Soap and friends have latched onto it and use it in all sort of inappropriate ways without even fully understanding what it means. Not strictly true.... Passive-aggressive IS recognised as a disorder that has different manifestations. Why not keep it simple and say he is being impatient, insensitive, unthinking and trying to control his compunction to explode in your face by evading you. I mean, we all like to avoid problems rather than have to resolve them, don't we? The man needs to learn to multi-task better, it need not be any more complicated than that. Neither of you are the complete article from an emotional maturity perspective, but then none of us are. It is something that we are honour-bound to strive for while acknowledging, like the end of the rainbow, we will never arrive there. He's also being immature, controlling, aggressive and believes that she should be psychic and automatically know when , where and how to speak with him. The poor woman is walking on egg-shells, and it's no wonder she feels the way she does. He's manipulative and over-bearing. She describes his previous behaviour as being open and receptive, but that now he's become distant withdrawn and keep it all bottled in. Fine. He may need therapy. He may be depressed, and he may need some kind of support system in place to help him deal with the pressure. But that's not on the OP. She's not his therapist, she's not psychic and she's not his crutch. She deserves more respect, more communication and the courtesy of polite and calm replies. If he's not getting what he needs from her, then it's not on her to make that leap and divine what he needs or wants. He has a mouth under his nose and a brain between his ears. He should use them. 2
pcplod Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Not strictly true.... Passive-aggressive IS recognised as a disorder that has different manifestations. He's also being immature, controlling, aggressive and believes that she should be psychic and automatically know when , where and how to speak with him. The poor woman is walking on egg-shells, and it's no wonder she feels the way she does. He's manipulative and over-bearing. She describes his previous behaviour as being open and receptive, but that now he's become distant withdrawn and keep it all bottled in. Fine. He may need therapy. He may be depressed, and he may need some kind of support system in place to help him deal with the pressure. But that's not on the OP. She's not his therapist, she's not psychic and she's not his crutch. She deserves more respect, more communication and the courtesy of polite and calm replies. If he's not getting what he needs from her, then it's not on her to make that leap and divine what he needs or wants. He has a mouth under his nose and a brain between his ears. He should use them. I think I remember from the OP that minkmal is looking for help not a tirade. It will be her decision to make that he is an ******* to be dispensed with. Let her make the choice. Help her to make the choice herself. 1
Author minkiemal Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 We've dealt with some serious problems in our relationship before. I had to go through some very traumatic surgery not to long ago & he was there 100% of the way. Paid for it, let me stay at his house to recover, had his assistant run the store so he stay home & cook etc. show me much compassion. The night I accused him of cheating is when it all went down from there. Just put a wall up & won't call me babe etc. I keep saying I love you to make sure he'll say it back which he does without studder. (There's was a time where he would say I care about you instead of love when he's mad) I'm just going to give him space till he's ready to talk. I know this may sound stupid but I don't know if i should continue packing & planning our vacation in a few weeks. We still haven't made a list of all the things we need to bring so I'm getting nervous since we also invited 6 of our closes friends on our trip (were camping, but were outdoorsy people)
NoMoreJerks Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 It sounds to me like he feels you're smothering him, whether you realize you're doing it or not. NOBODY is going to enjoy being accused of cheating all the time - your insecurity will drive him away, no doubt. If it were me, I'd give him his space. Leave him alone for a few days - this means don't call him, don't text him, don't FB him....let him be. I can see what's going to happen if she does that, though. A few days later, he's going to come back and accuse her of being moody because now, she took his advice and won't message/text/bother him.... Trust me, I had this happen to me SO many times with my ex.. who was so passive aggressive, etc... I think OP is in a losing fight. I'd simply accept that this relationship is over, ASAP, and move on. If she doesn't text him for days, she should keep the possibility in mind that he's going to accuse her of being moody and giving him the silent treatment, and then break up with her. Just prepare yourself mentally for a break-up, OP. I also don't recommend that you keep apologizing and accepting his breadcrumbs and excuses. A man who is stressed has no reason to be cross with you, unless you're a totally not-understanding b*tch, which I doubt is the case. I honestly think that he doesn't love you and wants out. My ex did the ignoring texts with me, and it got to the point where he didn't even reply to texts where I mentioned I was very sick. And I knew that his stress levels were not higher than mine, so it's not like he had a better excuse to talk to me like that.
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