LilGirlandOW Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'm the OW, in love with a MM, if DDay hits, would a BS spouse want to read the text messages I saved for the past 8mnths through our relationship? I saved them initially up until lately so i could read them when he wasnt with me, i found it comforting and it was like a diary or everythig we did together, when we fell in love and our plans for the future. Now i find them like a ball and chain to the past,,,, i still love him to death, but i;m trying to "grow the balls" to leave or be with him as a real relationship... So I was gonna delete the old texts (i saved everyday, omg, i know) but i was thinking, most men when found out flip it onto the other woman, and everything. Would a BS want to see those messages? That would be the only reason I keep them..... I do love my MM deeply and would never want to hurt him. But love is blind and what if i'm being blinded by a game, and his love is just a hook to hold me on with? I have to think thats not the case, he's never given me a reason to think so... but stranger things in life have happened right? So would a BS ever want to see, like view the actual truth
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 or should i delete them cause it feels like they're holding me back, i need to stop reading thsese while trying to create a non-A future?
2sure Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'm the first one to say to say give the BS the truth and to do that you need proof. I have been both OW and BS, so sometimes my "allegiance" is conflicted. I think for you, in self preservation , you should delete. Just because you're becoming obsessive in collecting them. They are a substitute for the real thing. Delete em. But, regardless of your motives...hang on to two that are in depth and reflect your relationship. 1
Author LilGirlandOW Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 yes it feels a little obsessive to majorly obsessive. But its like a diary of our relationship and hard to let go too
2sure Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I used to keep those when I was OW, but think about it . If you weren't in an affair situation ...these would just be casual conversations and texts. If it weren't an affair, you wouldn't have to save them and go over and over them, first because they wouldn't exist. There is no urgent lve like affair love. And second, even if they did exist...they wouldnt have to be re read and saved because you would know there would be more and that the relationship would ontinuesbto to evolve. You would know you were going to see him every single night. Like his wife. It's obsessive. Please trust me. I wish you could. 1
seren Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 The OW sent me the texts, I didn't ask for them or know what they were until they landed with the post. We were already reconciling and TBH, I could see no motive, other than spite for her doing it this way. It was enough for me to have all I asked for from H, although OW did contact me for my help and just after D Day trying to speak to H, we talked, she asked, I asked as she too wanted truth about us, it wasn't what she had thought. I say that if she asks for any proof, then just say it as you understand it to be, but text messages, I just think they are pointless in establishing truth, if he chooses to stay that is proof enough of where his heart is. For yourself, I would delete if they are holding you back or hurting, if your relationship isn't what you want or need it to be, then all the text messages in the world are unlikely to help, actions not words really matter in the end. other BS may have a different viewpoint, this is just my take on it. I wish you peace. 2
krazikat Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'm the OW, in love with a MM, if DDay hits, would a BS spouse want to read the text messages I saved for the past 8mnths through our relationship? I saved them initially up until lately so i could read them when he wasnt with me, i found it comforting and it was like a diary or everythig we did together, when we fell in love and our plans for the future. Now i find them like a ball and chain to the past,,,, i still love him to death, but i;m trying to "grow the balls" to leave or be with him as a real relationship... So I was gonna delete the old texts (i saved everyday, omg, i know) but i was thinking, most men when found out flip it onto the other woman, and everything. Would a BS want to see those messages? That would be the only reason I keep them..... I do love my MM deeply and would never want to hurt him. But love is blind and what if i'm being blinded by a game, and his love is just a hook to hold me on with? I have to think thats not the case, he's never given me a reason to think so... but stranger things in life have happened right? So would a BS ever want to see, like view the actual truth Yes...definitely yes. There are many examples of ws gaslighting the bs on dday and beyond. Examples of ws downplaying the A. If your mm has a dday and does the same, his bs deserves to have the truth so she can make a decision for her life based on truth. 4
wanting more Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I sent many of the texts and emails xMM and I sent to each other to his BW after d-day and xMM was putting all the blame on me. I thought there was no way his BW would believe all his unbelievable lies BUT he turned and twisted even his ILYs to me, convincing her it was all me persueing him. Sometimes it's proof for the BS, sometimes it's not.
whichwayisup Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I'm the OW, in love with a MM, if DDay hits, would a BS spouse want to read the text messages I saved for the past 8mnths through our relationship? I saved them initially up until lately so i could read them when he wasnt with me, i found it comforting and it was like a diary or everythig we did together, when we fell in love and our plans for the future. Now i find them like a ball and chain to the past,,,, i still love him to death, but i;m trying to "grow the balls" to leave or be with him as a real relationship... So I was gonna delete the old texts (i saved everyday, omg, i know) but i was thinking, most men when found out flip it onto the other woman, and everything. Would a BS want to see those messages? That would be the only reason I keep them..... I do love my MM deeply and would never want to hurt him. But love is blind and what if i'm being blinded by a game, and his love is just a hook to hold me on with? I have to think thats not the case, he's never given me a reason to think so... but stranger things in life have happened right? So would a BS ever want to see, like view the actual truth The one thing you need to keep in mind, what was said during the A, how he felt, how he got caught up in it, the lust, maybe even felt some love, could disappear asap after a d-day. Why? Because the glue that held you two together was in an affair setting, behind closed doors and based on sex and lust -and on the expense of the BS. Now, he may truly have felt a lot for you, but once a D-day happens, it can wake up some WS's, make them see it wasn't "love" it was lust, and what is left behind is emotional attachment (which is NOT the same a love) and addictiveness of the affair and that intensity. Again, do not mistake that for in love. It's too different things though it can feel very similar. With that said, saving those messages and showing them to his BS is fine, it'll hurt her and give her a truth of your dynamic during the A. BUT, all that could be thrown out the window if he is truly remorseful, ends the A, goes NC with you and does all that is required to earn that second chance. Your truth (those messages) may not BE the actual truth later. Hope this makes sense. 2
Mount Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I totally agree. I also have all the messages...thousands love to each other...., thousands of miss you to each other.... Yes when you are in affair you may feel comforting as even he is with his wife at night or everyday with wife, you would think you still have his "love" (shown in text)...but again it is nothing....nothing more than key stoke. QUOTE=whichwayisup;4973245]The one thing you need to keep in mind, what was said during the A, how he felt, how he got caught up in it, the lust, maybe even felt some love, could disappear asap after a d-day. Why? Because the glue that held you two together was in an affair setting, behind closed doors and based on sex and lust -and on the expense of the BS. Now, he may truly have felt a lot for you, but once a D-day happens, it can wake up some WS's, make them see it wasn't "love" it was lust, and what is left behind is emotional attachment (which is NOT the same a love) and addictiveness of the affair and that intensity. Again, do not mistake that for in love. It's too different things though it can feel very similar. With that said, saving those messages and showing them to his BS is fine, it'll hurt her and give her a truth of your dynamic during the A. BUT, all that could be thrown out the window if he is truly remorseful, ends the A, goes NC with you and does all that is required to earn that second chance. Your truth (those messages) may not BE the actual truth later. Hope this makes sense. 1
underwater2010 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Oh yes please do send them....along with every email and text that you sent him. I asked for all of that and she never sent them. 1
Eclypse Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Well since you care so much about the BS to be considering this, maybe you could stop this affair? Or even better, tell her she's married to a cheating scumbag so she has the knowledge to make a choice if she wants to stay with him. 1
Confused48 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I was not given the text and emails but I did get them. I sought them out and read everything I could. Some posters here tell me it is an unhealthy desire to want to figure out why my WS did that. I don't disagree. I probably do spend way more effort trying to figure out my WS than I should. If the BS in your situation is like me she will want those texts. All of them. If she is more evolved she may not care about them either way. But you offering them would likely be either welcome or neutral at the least. 1
Spark1111 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 i found them on my own in the 72 hours from accidentally discovering the affair via text on his cell phone and DDay 3 days later when I confronted him. But yes, it would have been helpful to have her send the ones I did not see. save them. protect yourself in the event he throws you under the bus and you have a devastated BS on your doorstep at home or at work demanding to know why YOU pursued her H, KWIM? 3
BetrayedH Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 The appropriate thing to do is to ask HER if SHE wants them. 2
macy Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 As a BS I would've liked to see them. My exH had very superficial one night stands (4-5 that he admitted to), so I'm sure there are some communications but not many as they weren't ongoing. Part of me sees how an ongoing affair would in some ways be more hurtful than one-nighters. We had normal sexual relations up until disclosure so the confusion and hurt was ten fold for me. Communication and his inner "demons" killed "us". That said, for me personally, thinking about it all, my focus through my divorce was always wondering why he did it. I won't lie, I initially had those insecurities running through my head like "maybe I'm not attractive enough", "maybe I didn't do x,y,z good enough". But, with time and understanding, you realize that most spouses who cheat have problems that have very little to do with their spouses and everything to do with them. Of course they give a very one-sided synapsis of their married life and spouse. To your point, yes, I would want to see them, but for me it would have very little to do with the OW and everything to do with figuring out why my husband, in his twisted mind, risked his marriage and relationship with his kids by going outside the marriage. I will always wonder why. He says he doesn't know. In my situation I suspect he has depression first and foremost. Maybe in the end he was unhappy in the marriage (duh, obviously ;-)) but as any person coming out of a marriage will tell you ALL marriages have problems. I would not just send them them off the cuff. Examine your own motivation for wanting to do that. Maybe you want to prove that what you two had is/was "real"? Nothing based on lies and deception is real. Do you want to hurt him like you no doubt hurt? Or for that matter hurt her? Not saying that you intentionally want to hurt his wife. Believe me, any hurt you feel, multiply that by 100 and you might get close to her pain when she finds out, however horrible he portrays the marriage to you. I would send them to her if she asks for them. It might help her and you. 2
BeholdtheMan Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I'm the OW, in love with a MM, if DDay hits, would a BS spouse want to read the text messages I saved for the past 8mnths through our relationship?I would take the truth over a million dollars. 1
dichotomy Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 (edited) THE truth....hmmmm.... Is what he wrote you THE truth? Is what he tells his wife when your not around THE truth? However, as a BS, I would want to have all that was said and done. Information and truth are different things sometimes. But yes,as a bs, I want all the information I could get - the truth of what was said and what was done (where, when, what). Edited June 17, 2013 by dichotomy 3
ladydesigner Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 I wanted EVERYTHING (the truth) and he was giving me none (lies). I uncovered all of their deleted texts and got to read every one of them . I will never be able to unread them, scarred forever. They hurt ALOT. I think about those texts every.single.day. If I didn't have those texts I wouldn't have the truth and my WH would never had admitted to the truth. 2
Coolit Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 My H and I tried to recover my deleted texts. So wish we had because things are getting really twisted over there. Which matters to my husband and I because this is a same social circle thing. I am being made out to be the crazy b**** that persued xMM. I wish to God I had never deleted those messages!
thomasb Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 Would you want to see all the texts he sent to his wife. All the can't wait to get home, miss you, love you texts? You can bet your azz he sent them to her too. I think it would be tit for tat. 2
Coolit Posted June 18, 2013 Posted June 18, 2013 For me it isn't that there were any ILYs or that sort of thing. It is just that those text messages are concrete proof we had an affair. He wouldn't be able to say he was so drunk he doesn't even know himself if we had sex or not. So I understand the OP's dilema in hashing over the existing texts I also know she may wish she had them some day down the road.
Recommended Posts