2sure Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Wow 2sure. I assume you found something pretty implicating? Had you suspicions? I know you eventually divorced, but were you inclined to end things immediately? Implicating ? Oh yes. Via a PI. He had a secret phone, secret lap top, secret car, identity and standing hotel room. All used to convince women he picked up on Craigslist that he was single. Implicating. Yes indeed.
Goodbye Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 Implicating ? Oh yes. Via a PI. He had a secret phone, secret lap top, secret car, identity and standing hotel room. All used to convince women he picked up on Craigslist that he was single. Implicating. Yes indeed. Wow, secret car? Was all of this to convince HER he was single, or YOU that he was not cheating? Well, it sounds like you made the right decision to divorce. 1
ForeverHopeful1 Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 LFH, yes, there's a reason. She doesn't know yet, but she is suspicious. And she has no friends whatsoever (plus no family talks to her). She is a very mean person (with depression) and does not respect anyone. I think she would make his life miserable if he left, but he's miserable to stay. It's been about 10 months and in the beginning, he was fun, full of life, crazy, lovable. Now that she's making it hard on him, all the life has gone out of him. How can someone stay with someone like that? Now that she is making what hard on him? Just to clarify... you mean, now that she is making cheating on her, with you, hard on him, all of the life has gone out of him? 3
Silly_Girl Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair? And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC? Thanks for any responses.. He told her about us and that he was leaving. Then a fair amount of guilt ( a lot of which was unfair, in my personal opinion) meant he stayed and tho ha came to a head (I was sick of waiting) and we split up. Weeks later we reconciled, he told her he was leaving for sure this time, she attacked him, within 2 weeks he moved out in to a house share with a colleague and at that point told his family and friends about us/me.
So happy together Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 We had a dday, she found his secret phone. He left. He's been living in an apartment for the last six months and we see one another often, speak all the time. We are planning for me to move where he is in the next little while. We're really happy. The one thing that happened is his stbxw has steadily become more and more... unstable? I guess is the word? She's doing things just to hurt him. He's recently changed his number so that she can't call him. But really, things could be a lot worse. So, I'm grateful it's been okay.
LilGirlandOW Posted June 23, 2013 Posted June 23, 2013 We had 2 "mini ddays" if thats even a thing?! She found my number on their phone bill a lot, ouch, he told me about it, then and everything stayed fine between us, i could just imagine the gaslighting that went on to have that one slide. wow. the next, that same phone number that was listed over and over on their phone bill surfaced again on a industry wide event invitation that he's attending, I am a corporate event planner, so my number was bound to surface again right? that was just a couple days ago, so we'll see how that goes, but he HAS to attend, via his company policy, so it should be interesting.
Got it Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair? And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC? Thanks for any responses.. For us: I was a MOW, so on my side there was no dday as I left the marriage about a month into the affair as I was already planning to do so. For my MOM, he had a dday at the point in our timeline where he was planning on leaving, talking divorce, etc. Things blew up, I walked, they separated a few months later, and we started dating and recently married.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 We were both married. His wife had suspected for awhile, in fact had been reading his emails for about 1 1/2 years but nothing was there until this first dday where she discovered an email he had sent me saying he had fallen in love with me. She confronted him, he confessed, the three of us met, she wanted to keep it quiet and not tell anyone - she didn't want me to tell my husband. It was tearing me up - horrible time. Then things started to smooth out - we still went to church together, rehearsed together, they came to our house a lot, went to dinner, etc. then my husband discovered things I had written on my laptop one night and drug me out of bed, told the kids, my daughter called an associate pastor (who we thought was our family friend) because my husband threatened suicide to her and she was scared. The pastors decided to read our names before the church and outed us in a worship service. All parties wanted us to go no contact and there was huge control. We were devastated and emotionally raw. We set up a secret email account and did call from time to time to see how each other was. He eventually confessed that and she watched while he sent me a no contact email and shut down the account. Then some other major thing happened two months later and he contacted me - we talked again for another week or so, met to bury a box for the baby I lost and then talked one time after that for about 10 minutes - he told me he loved me and that was it - no more contact - over 3 years ago. I have seen him once (red stripe incident I detailed in another thread) and passes him in his car a couple of times, I see his parents off and on and and they treat me like sh@@t - in fact I went to church yesterday and saw them there - they just can't let it go. Then my husband has an affair. He was being secretive with his phone mostly. I figured out the lock password and saw the texts coming in and out - eventually I figured out who it was (an employee). After he ordered a birthday charm for her that was a chair and was a direct reference to a chair in the office I asked about the package he received. He acted like he didn't hear me until I asked again. And then he finally confessed that the charm was for his ow but made light of it - it was her birthday and everyone got gifts for her. Anyway the texts got more intense and finally I asked - he denied and then finally confessed. I handled it differently. Told him she had to leave the office and allowed two months for that to happen so as "not to raise suspicions" . She left and there have been a few contacts that I am aware of over the past 1 1/2 years but I'm pretty sure it's over. Most recently she called him and stopped by the office the day after on a weekend I was out of town. He didn't tell me about it until two months later after I had gotten an anonymous letter in the mail and he suspected either her or my xom''s wife and when I asked why he thought that then he told me about her calling and stopping by and that she must have known I was out of town. Whatever. Anyway - ddays are horrible - it generally never turns out the way you think it will. And like so many others in this board, all of the words of love and promises to stand beside you go right out the window - it means nothing. I never, ever want to experience anything like that again.
ScarlettKaren Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 lilmiss, no matter how many times I've heard your story, I still ache reading it. Horrible for all of you. I agree that no matter what you thought of your relationship beforehand, at dday all bets are off and prior feelings are often cast on the floor.
skylarblue Posted June 24, 2013 Posted June 24, 2013 D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair? And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC? Thanks for any responses.. After dday, it seemed like our R became stronger. He seemed more committed to me and us and in proving it. It really was surprising to me because I expected him (and her) to end the A and all contact. Instead, everything between us increased three-fold. More calls/texts, more time together, more overnights, more affection, more i love you(s), me being more of a priority. It was like it was him and me against her. We saw each other for nearly a year after. Honestly, even though I feel bad that he/we didn't give his W the honesty/respect that she deserved after dday, I can't say that I'm not happy that he did that. I can't imagine how I would have felt if he would have just dropped me like I was nothing. On their end, he lied about everything including that an A even took place. She basically continued to be suspicious and doubtful, but for the most part accepted and/or believed what he said (or at least carries on fairly enough like she does). Post dday was pretty much like pre- dday, but again by three-fold. More lying to her, more blaming her, more stone-walling, more disappearances, more secrecy, more disregard...you get the picture. IDK, maybe his behavior would have been different if she demanded more or held him more accountable. Then again, he probably would have still found a way around it.
Goodbye Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 After dday, it seemed like our R became stronger. He seemed more committed to me and us and in proving it. It really was surprising to me because I expected him (and her) to end the A and all contact. Instead, everything between us increased three-fold. More calls/texts, more time together, more overnights, more affection, more i love you(s), me being more of a priority. It was like it was him and me against her. We saw each other for nearly a year after. Honestly, even though I feel bad that he/we didn't give his W the honesty/respect that she deserved after dday, I can't say that I'm not happy that he did that. I can't imagine how I would have felt if he would have just dropped me like I was nothing. On their end, he lied about everything including that an A even took place. She basically continued to be suspicious and doubtful, but for the most part accepted and/or believed what he said (or at least carries on fairly enough like she does). Post dday was pretty much like pre- dday, but again by three-fold. More lying to her, more blaming her, more stone-walling, more disappearances, more secrecy, more disregard...you get the picture. IDK, maybe his behavior would have been different if she demanded more or held him more accountable. Then again, he probably would have still found a way around it. So who ended it?
skylarblue Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 So who ended it? I did. His "best" still wasn't enough or the best he could do in my eyes, and I became resentful over the restrictions. Over time, enough things just didn't equal out. I just wasn't happy. 1
Author Lightglowabove Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 Now that she is making what hard on him? Just to clarify... you mean, now that she is making cheating on her, with you, hard on him, all of the life has gone out of him? D-day hasn't happened yet, but it's as if it has. She follows him around, texting him all the time, calling him all the time now. So he's trying to lay low. And it's wearing on him - big time. So from the way you said it, that is probably true. Sad, huh? The bottom line is this - he says he wants to make his marriage work - even if everything is "right" with us. I think he feels sorry for her, for having the mental illness, and no friends. So I think I'm going to bow out of this whole thing. If he can do this once to me, he can do it again, and I don't want to go through this again. If he's going to be happy with her (after everything mean he's told me about her), then more power to him. He's made his choice, and I'm not following him around.
sweet_pea Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 D-day hasn't happened yet, but it's as if it has. She follows him around, texting him all the time, calling him all the time now. So he's trying to lay low. And it's wearing on him - big time. So from the way you said it, that is probably true. Sad, huh? The bottom line is this - he says he wants to make his marriage work - even if everything is "right" with us. I think he feels sorry for her, for having the mental illness, and no friends. So I think I'm going to bow out of this whole thing. If he can do this once to me, he can do it again, and I don't want to go through this again. If he's going to be happy with her (after everything mean he's told me about her), then more power to him. He's made his choice, and I'm not following him around. I would just like to make note of this: basically every mean thing you've said about her, or assumption you've made is because of HIM, right? So you've never met her? Do you know for sure she has a mental illness? Or that she's got him under lock and key, the way you describe it? Aside from that, good luck if there is a DDay coming soon. 1
Author Lightglowabove Posted June 25, 2013 Author Posted June 25, 2013 I would just like to make note of this: basically every mean thing you've said about her, or assumption you've made is because of HIM, right? So you've never met her? Do you know for sure she has a mental illness? Or that she's got him under lock and key, the way you describe it? Aside from that, good luck if there is a DDay coming soon. Hi sweet_pea....I have never met her so all I heard is HIS side of the story (about her mental illness). And believe it or not, I never said anything mean about her. In fact, I wished her no harm because I don't know her and to have a mental illness must be horrible. It was HIM that said all the mean things. I do believe she has him under lock and key and with that being said, he's not calling me anymore. At first, that hurt very much, but now I know what type of guy I'm dealing with and I'll be ok. I hope I never have to go through this again.
georgia girl Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 D-day hasn't happened yet, but it's as if it has. She follows him around, texting him all the time, calling him all the time now. So he's trying to lay low. And it's wearing on him - big time. So from the way you said it, that is probably true. Sad, huh? The bottom line is this - he says he wants to make his marriage work - even if everything is "right" with us. I think he feels sorry for her, for having the mental illness, and no friends. So I think I'm going to bow out of this whole thing. If he can do this once to me, he can do it again, and I don't want to go through this again. If he's going to be happy with her (after everything mean he's told me about her), then more power to him. He's made his choice, and I'm not following him around. Please re-read your own words again. He tells you he's unhappy with her and wants to be with you. Yet, his actions prove that he is doing whatever is necessary to stay in the relationship with her. Taking all of the other noise and tuning it out, ask yourself what a normal person does in any situation where one person they supposedly don't love is controlling them and one person they do love is patiently waiting for them. Do they stay with the controller? Or go with the patiently waiting? All things being equal, one would easily go to the person patiently waiting. Yet, he's elected not to. He not just staying, he is willing to compromise your relationship so it assists his relationship with his wife. He has made a very distinctive choice here. If one is facing a DDay and they're doing everything they can to avoid it, it's because they aren't willing to make the necessary changes for you to become the primary relationship in their life. I am not saying this to hurt you but to hopefully prevent more pain. What I would recommend anyone in this situation doing is sitting down with their partner and asking them to make that choice - her or me. If they don't choose you, then walk away. Hanging on for longer means more hurt and devastation. I am genuinely sorry for your hurt. 2
ladydesigner Posted June 25, 2013 Posted June 25, 2013 Taking all of the other noise and tuning it out, ask yourself what a normal person does in any situation where one person they supposedly don't love is controlling them and one person they do love is patiently waiting for them. Do they stay with the controller? Or go with the patiently waiting? All things being equal, one would easily go to the person patiently waiting. I love this! In fact anyone either the OW or the BS can benefit from this. Turning off the noise (of the WS/MM/MW) and pay attention to actions. It usually tells you everything you need to know.
Author Lightglowabove Posted June 26, 2013 Author Posted June 26, 2013 Please re-read your own words again. He tells you he's unhappy with her and wants to be with you. Yet, his actions prove that he is doing whatever is necessary to stay in the relationship with her. Taking all of the other noise and tuning it out, ask yourself what a normal person does in any situation where one person they supposedly don't love is controlling them and one person they do love is patiently waiting for them. Do they stay with the controller? Or go with the patiently waiting? All things being equal, one would easily go to the person patiently waiting. Yet, he's elected not to. He not just staying, he is willing to compromise your relationship so it assists his relationship with his wife. He has made a very distinctive choice here. If one is facing a DDay and they're doing everything they can to avoid it, it's because they aren't willing to make the necessary changes for you to become the primary relationship in their life. I am not saying this to hurt you but to hopefully prevent more pain. What I would recommend anyone in this situation doing is sitting down with their partner and asking them to make that choice - her or me. If they don't choose you, then walk away. Hanging on for longer means more hurt and devastation. I am genuinely sorry for your hurt. Thanks so much georgia girl for your true words. They always say "actions speak louder than words" and it's so true. However, I think his actions speak very loud so I don't have to sit down with him. He's made his choice. And although it was hard at first and I was sad and hurt very much, it's been a couple weeks, and I'm no longer hanging on. And besides, if he does want to resume the relationship, he can do this to me again and no thank you. I'm worth more than that. And thank you for listening.
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