I'm curious about D-Day

[Lightglowabove]

D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair?

 

And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC?

 

Thanks for any responses..

[Anna-Belle]

He told his wife the truth about our relationship. He told her he loved me. They are now separating and we are planning a future together.

[SidLyon]

He told his wife the truth about our relationship. He told her he loved me. They are now separating and we are planning a future together.

 

Several of your posts over the last 2 or 3 months have said that he is leaving/separating without him apparently having left.

 

Just for clarification, has he actually left his wife and family yet?

 

By the way I think it's good that he's told his wife the truth, but find it puzzling if he's still there.

Edited June 16, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Anna-Belle]

Several of your posts over the last 2 or 3 months have said that he is leaving/separating without him apparently having left.

 

Just for clarification, has he actually left his wife and family yet?

 

By the way I think it's good that he's told his wife the truth, but find it puzzling if he's still there.

 

Yes, he has left. He's living in an apartment of his own now.

 

He started looking for apartments pretty immediately, but it took a while, not long though, for him to find one and then he had to wait yet some for the prior tenants to move.

 

Not sure what you find puzzling, unless there are plenty of empty apartments where you live. That's not the case everywhere. 2-3 months is pretty quick I'd say.

[cocorico]

D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair?

 

And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC?

 

Thanks for any responses..

 

In our case, he told her, he left, we are together.

[ScarlettKaren]

And on the opposite end. Since his d-day there has been NC. 11 weeks this Tuesday night.

[BrokenPrincess]

We're both married, he had a DDay. We met after to say goodbye. 4 months NC. Restarted A underground for 2 months, then he ended it saying he was living in constant fear & guilt. It's been about 6 weeks NC and we're done now.

[Lightglowabove]

We're both married, he had a DDay. We met after to say goodbye. 4 months NC. Restarted A underground for 2 months, then he ended it saying he was living in constant fear & guilt. It's been about 6 weeks NC and we're done now.

 

BrokenPrincess, I'm so sorry it happened that way. That must of been a tough thing to go through. We're both married also, and I don't know what's going to happen. Dday hasn't happened yet, but it seems that when it does, most people don't get back together.

 

How are you doing now?

[Lightglowabove]

What happens at DDay depends a lot on what you and he want from your relationship as well as what he is willing to change in his life.

Is there a reason you are thinking about it?

 

LFH, yes, there's a reason. She doesn't know yet, but she is suspicious. And she has no friends whatsoever (plus no family talks to her). She is a very mean person (with depression) and does not respect anyone. I think she would make his life miserable if he left, but he's miserable to stay.

 

It's been about 10 months and in the beginning, he was fun, full of life, crazy, lovable. Now that she's making it hard on him, all the life has gone out of him. How can someone stay with someone like that?

[MissBee]

D-day (does that mean Discovery day)? When someone finds out about the affair?

 

And then my question is...what happened with you after the spouse found out? I would like to hear of some experiences. Stay together? NC?

 

Thanks for any responses..

 

I didn't have a dday personally...but yes it is when the affair is discovered.

 

I am so far removed from the affair, and know my personal stance today, where I can't fathom being in an A and worse yet, being in one post-dday where it has to become more hidden, but cannot in good faith say that I know for a fact that back then I wouldn't have.

 

I don't think I would have stayed with him post a dday, since I was uncomfortable with the A as a structure. DDay would have probably been a breaking point for me, where it became the cross-roads where he either chose me, or I said goodbye.

[GreySkyMorning]

We had a partial d-day in March. She got an anonymous phone call outing us. He blamed me, vilified me, lied to her, told her it was nothing. Then in April, I told her everything when she asked.

 

Suddenly all those sweet words of love from him meant absolutely nothing. All the wanting to be with me, gonna get a divorce, she was just a roommate, blah blah...not one word of that was true and I was now a horrible person that tried to destroy his life and family. He acted like he hated me. Actually told me that all the things he'd said to me were once true, but my actions had changed all that. I was a hateful person for not lying to her when she asked, I guess. At that point, my loyalties didn't lie with him anymore, they belonged to me. He'd already told her I meant nothing, was nothing. No way was I going to say I was a nothing too.

 

We gradually started texting again, trying to be friends. That all ended a week and some change ago.

 

Now we're NC, he's playing family man and I'm finally at the anger stage.

[SidLyon]

Yes, he has left. He's living in an apartment of his own now.

 

He started looking for apartments pretty immediately, but it took a while, not long though, for him to find one and then he had to wait yet some for the prior tenants to move.

 

Not sure what you find puzzling, unless there are plenty of empty apartments where you live. That's not the case everywhere. 2-3 months is pretty quick I'd say.

 

Actually it was the use of the word "separating" that puzzled me, which implied he hadn't left yet. But it seems they are now separated rather than still separating.

 

Where I live, separation occurs when a spouse leaves, even though finances, custody, divorce etc are not necessarily sorted.

 

I know nothing about the time taken to obtain apartments in other countries, it was more the matter of whether the separation had occurred.

[Anna-Belle]

Actually it was the use of the word "separating" that puzzled me, which implied he hadn't left yet. But it seems they are now separated rather than still separating.

 

Where I live, separation occurs when a spouse leaves, even though finances, custody, divorce etc are not necessarily sorted.

 

I know nothing about the time taken to obtain apartments in other countries, it was more the matter of whether the separation had occurred.

 

Fair enough. I'm not so on top of legal terms as you obviously are. I must say I like that. They are now legally separated then.

[Lightglowabove]

Sometimes they stay out of duty or obligation or sometimes they stay out of love. Sometimes they exaggerate and sometimes what they say is 100% accurate.

I know that I personally could never live that way myself. I just couldn't, but many opt to.

 

Are you single? Do you want to be with him full time? If so, have you said that to him and asked him if that would make a difference?

 

No, I'm not single, I'm a MW, so that complicates things of course. To tell you the truth, I was very happy with the arrangement we had. We weren't leaving our spouses, and when we could get together, we had a great time. In between, there were the phone calls, that I loved. But since she has become suspicious, it is draining him. She is literally a psycho, and he's trying to deal with that.

 

I could see myself with him full time, and he with me, but I'm not sure if I told him it would make a difference at this time. I think he's just trying to keep her stable. Plus, I think if he did leave her (even if it wasn't for me), she would make his life miserable because she's home all day, nothing to do. She would think of things to hurt him and ruin him.

[canuckprincess]

Dday 1 was a year and a half ago and it was his choice to tell her.

[JourneyLady]

I was having nightmares and ex-husband fessed up after one of them. We went on an expensive and beautiful weekend since I wanted to rekindle the love. Of course he was blinded to it because he was already in love with her. Yet he agreed to end it and work on our marriage of 30 years. Came home after the weekend, he called her on the phone and ended it in front of me. But she worked at the same place and came into his office the next day and confronted him and said she never wanted to talk to him again.

 

I was very trusting - never read his emails even though I had access to his computer and emails. Never looked at his cellphone. I just trusted because he'd been faithful through 30 years of hard times, why would that stop now?

 

He promptly went into a depression and me being really hurt at my husband and best friend lying to me for so long, I got angry and told him to go to a hotel to get over it. He spent three days there (not with her), then came home and said he wanted a divorce. Later he moved to the same apartment building and before a year after our divorce, they married.

 

I take a large share of the blame - I had many depressive episodes and a huge selfish streak and too dependent. He was a workaholic and rarely talked about his own feelings about anything and it made me lonely and desperate for attention.

[ChasingCars]

After 1 year together every day, at our highest peak really, it just suddenly happened out of the blue in the most ridiculous way, as we were chatting online and somehow she saw it.

Not enough to know anything other than he was talking to a female but that was enough for it all to come crashing down in an instant.

 

She thinks he was chatting that evening with some random woman from a random porn site but she went ballistic.

He imagined every worst case scenario possible, including losing his career and then ended it the next day.

He checked up on me a couple times over the next few days but it has been almost 2 weeks now since I have heard from him and I refuse to contact him as he asked me to let him go.

It's over.

[ladydesigner]

I take a large share of the blame - I had many depressive episodes and a huge selfish streak and too dependent. He was a workaholic and rarely talked about his own feelings about anything and it made me lonely and desperate for attention.

 

Why would you take a large share of the blame for something so heinous?

No. I don't care if you were the meanest bitch on earth, he still could have divorced or gotten into some kind of marriage counseling. Cheating IMO is a weakness in the cheater. it is a bad coping mechanism. Your WH could haven chosen to cope in a healthier way.

[BrokenPrincess]

BrokenPrincess, I'm so sorry it happened that way. That must of been a tough thing to go through. We're both married also, and I don't know what's going to happen. Dday hasn't happened yet, but it seems that when it does, most people don't get back together.

 

How are you doing now?

 

Thanks. I'm mostly OK, still have some low days, but at least I've had intermittent anger and even indifference. It is a welcome break from depression, longing, etc.

 

After 1 year together every day, at our highest peak really, it just suddenly happened out of the blue in the most ridiculous way, as we were chatting online and somehow she saw it.

Not enough to know anything other than he was talking to a female but that was enough for it all to come crashing down in an instant.

 

^^ If anything, this is eaxctly what you need to think about and focus on. D-Day was like this for me too. Everything was great, felt like we things were only getting better & better and BOOM over! Completely erased from your life.

 

I cannot describe how effing terrible those first few weeks were. Read D-Day threads, you can experience the pain and anguish that way and hopefully never live it. Even after 4 months of NC, I had made some progress in healing but nowhere near over it.

 

Our second breakup initiated by him and not by trauma, I feel like I am 1,000% more on a path to healing. The pain & suffering is just mine, I am not also consumed with anxiety about what's going on in his house, would his wife contact me (or worse, my husband), do his kids know, what if my family or work finds out, career remifications, my reputation, etc. There are no lingering questions or hope that someday he might call me.

 

Having experienced the end of an A both ways, I can't tell you how much better and faster your healing will be if you end it on your own terms versus under the duress of D-Day.

[ChasingCars]

 

 

 

^^ If anything, this is eaxctly what you need to think about and focus on. D-Day was like this for me too. Everything was great, felt like we things were only getting better & better and BOOM over! Completely erased from your life.

 

I cannot describe how effing terrible those first few weeks were. Read D-Day threads, you can experience the pain and anguish that way and hopefully never live it. Even after 4 months of NC, I had made some progress in healing but nowhere near over it.

 

Our second breakup initiated by him and not by trauma, I feel like I am 1,000% more on a path to healing. The pain & suffering is just mine, I am not also consumed with anxiety about what's going on in his house, would his wife contact me (or worse, my husband), do his kids know, what if my family or work finds out, career remifications, my reputation, etc. There are no lingering questions or hope that someday he might call me.

 

Having experienced the end of an A both ways, I can't tell you how much better and faster your healing will be if you end it on your own terms versus under the duress of D-Day.

 

I started lingering here so many months ago looking at all the threads imagining all the possible scenarios- best to worst case scenarios, etc, etc.

I have no ill feelings towards him, yet anyway, and can understand what happened but I just can't believe it was such a fast unexpected brick wall- right in the middle of talking.

I read, read, read and read some more.

 

Today there has been stirrings of anger and frustration so I think I am coming along in the healing but it's not as easy as I expected to just go back to my old way of life.

(That's probably my understatement of the year.)

My rational/logical mind and my heart don't always connect well. :/

 

I have to accept he isn't "coming back" and move on.

Letting go of that hope is so friggin hard.

[Goodbye]

It really is hard, Chasing Cars. My situation ended suddenly as well. It is a shocking thing that takes a long time to resolve emotionally.

[2sure]

On DDay I woke him up by putting a handful of feces in his mouth, later that day I emailed graphic photos of OW to her parents,husband, and employer.

 

It was my worst moment. It was years ago now but I'm still aghast. I'm mentioning it here now only to point out that DDay, quite literally, can bring a shyte storm.

[ScarlettKaren]

I agree with BP and Chasing Cars. Hitting a brickwall is a great analogy for a dday ending. Everything is great and fine between you and then wham... everything stops and your world crashes down around you.

 

I spent days in fallout mode barely eating and sleeping and am still many weeks later oscillating between my feelings on the whole thing since I don't have any idea on what is going on with MM and his BS. (I know I shouldn't care, I just don't turn off my heart like that)

 

BP having had both sorts of endings (a special sort of torture I think) has a great perspective on the benefits of not ending with brutal unknowns and blunt trauma of a dday.

[Goodbye]

On DDay I woke him up by putting a handful of feces in his mouth, later that day I emailed graphic photos of OW to her parents,husband, and employer.

 

It was my worst moment. It was years ago now but I'm still aghast. I'm mentioning it here now only to point out that DDay, quite literally, can bring a shyte storm.

 

 

Wow 2sure. I assume you found something pretty implicating? Had you suspicions? I know you eventually divorced, but were you inclined to end things immediately?

[ladydesigner]

BW here. DDay was one of the worst days of my life. I had a feeling which is why I checked his phone but had no idea it would be his employee. I allowed her in my house, she has been around me and the kids on multiple occasions.

 

Not only was I devastated by my WH, but also by the MOW too. When I confronted her, she was very nasty to me. I never said one nasty word to her, not one.

 

The subsequent DDays were even worse because it proved my WH's loyalty was with MOW.

 

Since DDay it has been like the aftermath of a world war. We are both exhausted, tired of talking about it, tired of fighting about it, tired of thinking about it. My WH's A and it's aftermath stays with me 24/7 every.single.day The pain is just now starting to subside and I am 16 months out from DDay.