madmax87 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I'd like to describe my situation: I met a girl online last summer, and we hit it off immediately once we met in person. We spent the summer dating casually, and by summer's end we decided to become a couple. The fall was great. We grew to really adore one another, and I told her I loved her around Thanksgiving. She didn't say it back, but I asked her if it made her uncomfortable that I said it. It did not. Granted, she does get distant (this is a product of depression as both she and he best friend told me), but she seemed to be happy with me. The winter came and things continued to go well. If there was any tension in the relationship, it was created by my own anxieties concerning my job and living situation. She was 23 at the time, and I was 25. I was living with my father in central NJ and waiting tables while looking for a "real" job and investigating grad school programs, and I had helped her move int NYC at the end of the summer. The bulk of our relationship was after she moved into the city, so I can't say any tension came from that. She never judged me, she knew I was making efforts to change my situation, but she did find my anxiety and tendency to beat myself up to be tiring. During the winter she returned the sentiments of love, and I honestly believed them. In mid March she started to grow distant in a way that was different than before. I asked her about it in the beginning of April (a week before a road trip together) what it was. She said my anxiety was wearing on her and she does get a little bored, she has a history of being a man-eater. Well, I proceeded to ask her if she wanted out, if she wanted to cancel the trip. She said no. I suppose she was hopeful. The trip went tremendously well. We had a blast. However, a week after the trip she went back to being distant, and I brought it up again. Something was wrong. She told me she no longer was in love, and she didn't see us going anywhere. She said it felt trapping. I proceeded to end it. It's been a rough two months for me. I can't seem to do NC. I go for a week or so, but break and try to reach out to her. Admittedly, I was crazy in the beginning. I made accusations, I asked unfair "why" questions. All that. She said there was no one else, and she really doesn't want to date anyone right now. It's been about a month since I last bombarded her with those, but I continue to speak to her. The worst part is, my situation changed. I got into a phenomenal grad program in NYC and am living here now. It just sucks that I can't enjoy the experience because I'm so down about our split. I know I have to leave her be, especially if I ever want something with her again. The problem is, I'm trying to temper that hope with realism. We may never see one another again, let alone date again. I want to let her go. I want to get over her, and yet I also want her to reach out to me and give it a go again. Guys, I'm hurting like no other.
todreaminblue Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 :0(.....i am sorry this happened to you...break ups suck......no contact sucks...everything sucks when you are low...and when you are at the start of a break up it sucks even worse because you just feel done..no amount of anyone telling you its gonna get better helps........ so i wont say that.... all i can say is no matter how hard no contact is you have to do it.....it is the only way eventually you will heal......the longer you remain in contact ...the longer it will take for you to heal and move on........she wasnt right for you and there is a positive at least you werent with this person for a decade before she decided to let you know she didnt really love you..... go through with the no contact even if you dont want to.....and it will get easier....keep posting here ...there is A thread about not contacting you ex post here instead.....and read how many people are going through exactly what you are.......i wish you happiness in your future and while now you cant see that happiness....i give you (((((hugs)))))....and i wish you strength and conviction in no contact....best wishes...good luck..deb
avelonia2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 (edited) I recently left a situation because I was trying to get my life on stable footing - on my own without any assistance - and didn't feel I could offer anyone anything until I did. All though my situation was different and not a full blown relationship like yours, I still felt I couldn't offer anything "productive" and the nature of the relationship really didn't allow me to anyway. What I mean is, I met this person when I was transitioning my life after ending a long term relationship and I made a vow to "myself" that I would never get involved again until my life was stable and balanced so I could feel like a more "formative" partner to someone. Well, that all went to h*ll when I fell in love with him after being pleasantly surprised by who he was the more I got to know him. The problem was I was still in that mindset of trying to create a balance in my life and I felt unworthy of any type of a relationship. There were issues on his side as well, so it wasn't all me. But, and that's quite a big BUT, how I was feeling about myself and this struggle to find balance resulted in me only getting the energy I was putting out there back in return. My point is, it all has to do with how you are feeling about yourself. When you're feeling good about who you are and are taking care of yourself, then it will give a person who really wants to get to know you - and vice versa - room to enter your life in a meaningful way. I was warned by my therapist that this concept might be scary at first and when a person I'm attracted to reaches in past my barriers because they truly want to be in my life, my first instinct might be to run - lol. I don't want to do that, so I am making a pact with myself to push past my fears and stop that urge in it's tracks from this point forward! When that special person enters my life that is. I went a little off track here, so I will sum up by saying that the only thing you can do is continue to focus on your life the way you are and start enjoying who you are as a person. Explore your interest and keeping building a strong foundation of your very own. If it was meant to be then this person will find their way back to you. You can't force it. Edited June 15, 2013 by avelonia2013
Author madmax87 Posted June 21, 2013 Author Posted June 21, 2013 Thanks guys. So a couple of weeks ago I called her and we spoke for about 45 minutes. I told her I wasn't going to harass her about anything anymore. I told her I was mostly okay, and that so much of my behavior following the breakup was a symptom of having lost something good when nothing else was in place. I unfairly assigned her the role of a stabilizer, because although I hadn't landed a spot in grad school or a real job, I had her, y'know? She said that was dumb of me and I agreed. Anyway we spoke a bit more, it seemed to go well, and it ended nicely enough. THEN, like an insecure wimp I texted her to apologize for ever suffocating her and thanking her for not having a weird call with me. The next morning I contacted her on gchat for assurance that it wasn't weird. She responded very frankly "The call was fine, but the emotional follow-up was excessive. Accept things as they are, get zen and drink some coffee." At that point I realized that she took the call as a courtesy. She wasn't really interested in what was going on in my life. Well, a week later (last week) I sent her a request on Facebook again stating that I was okay. She seemed reserved. I said "Okay, fine. You're not interested in knowing me right now. I'll leave you alone indefinitely." Two days later, she accepts the friend request, to which I said "I'm sorry I was dramatic the other night. Burning bridges is stupid, I don't need to be ignorant of your existence." This week she commented on something of mine on Facebook, leading to a small comment exchange. I commented on something on her wall today, and she "liked" it. These seem so minor, and historically she has remained friends with exes, but after the two months of pain on my part, is she sorta patching things up with me? I'm not saying, "YES I'VE WON HER BACK." I just mean it seems like there are small steps going on here to maybe, just maybe reestablish contact. She's going to Iceland for a week with her best friend, and I have a date with someone on Saturday (I sorta felt the need to rebound, and this girl looks like she's not down for anything serious because she's going to grad school in England in the fall. She stands to get a summer fling and I get a rebound! What a deal!). I suppose I'll leave my ex alone for a few weeks. If she reaches out again in some capacity, maybe, just maybe I'll give her a call in August or September. Questions of compatibility have come up. I mean, she said as much during the breakup, but I never felt that we were incompatible. Maybe I wasn't the right fit for her. That would be painful to know, since she was so right for me in a lot of ways. I don't buy the "Mr." or "Miss Right" idea. No one is perfect for the other, so almost is nice enough. I think we were almost for one another. She even said to me that I was the first guy she'd ever had real depth with. Hmmm, stuff to ponder on. I suppose I'll spend the rest of the summer getting my ducks in a row and possibly dating this other girl. If my ex reaches out more, maybe I'll try to see her. Who knows.
Recommended Posts