grace777 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Well, my ex recently deleted me from fb and instagram. We were together for 3.5 years. She broke up with me 8 months ago. We've been in very low contact. I haven't had any contact with her, in any form, for over 2 or 3 weeks. So this is random and dramatic, and doesn't make sense to me. She quickly moved into a new relationship within a couple weeks of our breakup. Since then, she's really alienated herself from all of her close friends and family - fighting with everyone constantly. I spoke with her best friend the other day, and apparently they had a fight and my ex told her she no longer wants that friendship either. The people who have been the closest to her for over 5 years, including me, are being cut from her life...friends, family, whomever. Why would my ex delete me? Does this mean she never wants a chance at a future friendship? Has she not processed our breakup yet? What is going on here?!
inaya42 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 NC is for moving on. do you think it's possible that she's just taking the normal steps people take with exes. she may not want to share the details of the life she is building with people who are no longer an integral part of it. honestly, even though it feels offensive and it's hard not to personalize this, it is a fairly common and predictable part of disentangling from an ex and moving on. please feel better.
Author grace777 Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 I suppose so. I just don't understand why now, after 8 months. I wish I would have deleted her from the onset - I could have spared myself the initial shock, anxiety, sadness when she started posting about her new relationship. It's been so long now, that I'm happy she found someone else who could be to her what I cannot. I was hoping to be friends again one day. This move is hurtful because she's making it clear that she wants us to be strangers, never to interact again. As if the past 6 years we knew each other never existed.
Cutiepie1976 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 The six years did exist, but now they're over. That is the past. As hurtful as it feels, it's not your future. You just have to move on. Understand that you will meet, date, and have wonderful relationships with others. But the first step to that happy outcome is closing the door firmly on the past...as your ex has done for herself. You should be doing the same. 1
inaya42 Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I noticed that you called this a tantrum, random and dramatic. I think it's possible that your ex is doing what she feels is best for herself, or simply what she wants. you seem to regard this woman highly. one way to demonstrate that is to trust and respect her attempts to move on, even if it's away from you. people are differently constituted, and not everyone can recover a friendship from a failed romance. I hope this helps.
Author grace777 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 I called it a tantrum and dramatic because it was. I left some details out because they are irrelevant to my personal situation. They include her suddenly blocking several of our mutual friends at this same time, causing major confusion, and then suddenly unblocking/refriending them. I however, remain unfriended. Something happened with conversations recently that lead to this from her. I don't know what was said or how I could possibly be tied in, but whatever. Here I am. I have let go of our relationship. I do hold my ex in high regard. But not for how she's been acting lately. She's been very out of character for months. I miss the girl I was close to for 6 years. It has set me back in the breakup process because I'm so disappointed to learn that she has zero desire to be even an acquaintance of mine. There were no wrongdoings, no badgering, so it just seems so harsh. Anyways, it just hurts. Again.
aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I have let go of our relationship. It doesn't sound like it at all. You broke up 8 months ago? You should of blocked her after the break up. You cant be friends with an ex so soon after a break up. Years down the line, maybe. You need to do what she did and find someone new and put her in your past.
Author grace777 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 In a romantic sense, yes, I actually have. I have recently made efforts to meet new people. One girl has tremendous potential and moves here in a week or so. We'll see. I wanted a friendship with my ex now that it's been so long, but it seems on LS that everyone thinks I'm crazy for that.
aloneinaz Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 In a romantic sense, yes, I actually have. I have recently made efforts to meet new people. One girl has tremendous potential and moves here in a week or so. We'll see. I wanted a friendship with my ex now that it's been so long, but it seems on LS that everyone thinks I'm crazy for that. Glad to hear that you're stepping out to meet new people and potential girl friends. I think in order to really move on after a failed relationship, you have to grieve it, discuss it and then BURY IT. I'm only two weeks since the end of my failed relationship and I don't want to discuss it. It's over. Rehashing it does me no good. Going NC and not discussing that lousy relationship has been healing to me. I'm also on dating sites and am enjoying the texting, flirting, emailing and interaction with the opposite sex. I have dates lined up as well. I know my ex is moving on and theres no reason I shouldn't be doing the same. 1
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 i think your ex may have done you a favor by blocking you, as this is a necessary part of breaking up. given her history of refriending people, you should block her as well. i know you really want a friendship with your ex, but she is not in the place to have one with you. you seem very preoccupied with her, and she might experience this as overwhelming and intrusive. it is really important -- for your own healing and for hers -- for you to try to let this woman go. by this, i mean it is important for you to really really conceive of her as a separate, autonomous being who is exercising her full right to conduct her life as she chooses, mistakes and all. i'm very sorry, as i see how much this is hurting you.
PR08 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Life is too short to worry about someone who decided that you weren't good enough for them.
Author grace777 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Yes, I'm aware that I need to competely let her go. I had let go of the romance, but cared about her and wanted a friendship. She's made it clear she doesn't. I find it interesting that many responses to this post seem to think its crazy for this to hurt my feelings. We were close for 6 years. In love for more than 3. Now she's basically given me the proverbial finger and slammed the door on my face, when I did zero wrong. Is it that absurd for this to affect me emotionally? It's insulting to hear from my "support group" repeatedly that I'm hung up on her in a romantic sense, when that is far from the truth. You have no idea what I've been through since October. If any other good friend of mine ignored me completely and deleted me in the same way, I'd be hurt too. And so would any of you. I just would have posted it in the friendship forum, instead of this one. Please - no more responses from people who arrogantly think they know that the real reason this is bothering me is because I'm in love with her, smothering her, etc. I'm not. We have barely interacted in any form since the breakup. And for the last time, I care about her, yes, but I am very much over the relationship and do not want her back. Her actions were harsh and it hurt. So I reached out on LS. I now regret that I did.
cavalier99 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Yes, I'm aware that I need to competely let her go. I had let go of the romance, but cared about her and wanted a friendship. She's made it clear she doesn't. I find it interesting that many responses to this post seem to think its crazy for this to hurt my feelings. We were close for 6 years. In love for more than 3. Now she's basically given me the proverbial finger and slammed the door on my face, when I did zero wrong. Is it that absurd for this to affect me emotionally? It's insulting to hear from my "support group" repeatedly that I'm hung up on her in a romantic sense, when that is far from the truth. You have no idea what I've been through since October. If any other good friend of mine ignored me completely and deleted me in the same way, I'd be hurt too. And so would any of you. I just would have posted it in the friendship forum, instead of this one. Please - no more responses from people who arrogantly think they know that the real reason this is bothering me is because I'm in love with her, smothering her, etc. I'm not. We have barely interacted in any form since the breakup. And for the last time, I care about her, yes, but I am very much over the relationship and do not want her back. Her actions were harsh and it hurt. So I reached out on LS. I now regret that I did. Hi grace. I understand were you are coming from. i know that you dont have romantic feeling for her but you sorta expected that a friendy relationship was a given considering that she seemed fine with everhthing before and had a new rs. It hurts to lose a friendship even if it is with an ex. I would be sorta upset if my ex just cut me out after we have rekindled being on freindly terms. That being said i expect that if my ex suddenly had problems with her BF she might cut me out so she can recover form him and not get reattched to me because she know im unavailable and no longer interested. youll get over it. She isnt worth the time and is immature compared to you. Shell be in touch in a year or so when she grows up a little bit. Until then be grateful you dont have to deal with her in her current unstable state. Rock on! Cav 1
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 You need to cut any ties that keep you in touch with what she says/does. In a way it's hanging on to something, even if the motives are not romantic. Sadly, however good friends you were, however long you knew each other, it's over, and the door needs slamming on it. I was married for 26 years. My ex-and I divorced 8 years ago, and trust me, in all that time we haven't so much as looked in each others' directions. I know my daughters have him on FB and he knows they have me. We never look at each others' posts, activities or anything. Blocked. It's as if we neither of us exist for the other. It's the only way to go. 3
inaya42 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 hi, grace777, i am very very sorry if my posts do not reflect sensitivity for where you are. it IS perfectly understandable to desire friendship after a romance has failed, and it does NOT mean that romantic feelings linger. you seemed to be questioning your ex's behavior. and i was trying to speak to how she might be feeling, and what steps you might take to minimize pain in the letting go process for both of you. some people are not able to be friends with an ex, even when (or because!) they loved them very deeply. and others, like me, experience the failure of a romance as a simultaneous failure of friendship. either way, what is needed here is more time and, yes, a bit more letting go (with love, admiration, and deep respect). 2
cavalier99 Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 (edited) You need to cut any ties that keep you in touch with what she says/does. In a way it's hanging on to something, even if the motives are not romantic. Sadly, however good friends you were, however long you knew each other, it's over, and the door needs slamming on it. I was married for 26 years. My ex-and I divorced 8 years ago, and trust me, in all that time we haven't so much as looked in each others' directions. I know my daughters have him on FB and he knows they have me. We never look at each others' posts, activities or anything. Blocked. It's as if we neither of us exist for the other. It's the only way to go. Taramaiden is right. Freindships with exs is overrated even after being recovered. Also im finding they arnt as recovered as we are especially if they rolled right into a new RS. The second that fails or it gets rough they end up processing both breakups i think and are totally ****ed up. Edited June 16, 2013 by cavalier99
Author grace777 Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Thanks guys - that advice really does help. Tara and Cav, I know you're both aware of many of the ups and downs I've gone through with her throughout my time on LS. I do think this is for the best, for me too, because it does remove me from the damn roller coaster she's had me on (and that I've willingly boarded) for the last several months. It's not healthy for my healing. The fact of the matter is, since she's been all sketchy the last few weeks, it's really made me backpedal in my healing process. I am not indifferent now, so apparently it doesn't take much to draw me back into the emotional rawness of the breakup. I can only assume she's in a similar boat with her own extraneous circumstances. I write to get things out. I have written a letter to her that I have not sent. I'm wondering if I should, to say my last piece. I know I won't get a response, but I feel I have a few things I'd like her to know, now that this is the end. It's not lovey dovey, nor is it harsh - it's just matter of fact, and goodbye. Thoughts on sending it? Or just use it as more of a journal for me? I feel like sending it would give me peace of mind, rather than just ending things the way they are now - with shock and not even a goodbye. 1
destroyed4sho Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 She is jealous and resentful that you seem to be over her and she is no longer the girl that 2 girls are after. Her relationship is probably on shaky ground, and you look like you are "better off" now since the BU, and her self-esteem is plummeting so she wants to cut you off because of her ego. She is immature. You did nothing wrong. Ughhhh, don't send her anything, her ego will inflate again and same cycle will repeat. 3
TaraMaiden Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Thoughts on sending it? Or just use it as more of a journal for me? I feel like sending it would give me peace of mind, rather than just ending things the way they are now - with shock and not even a goodbye. Darling, I really wouldn't, honestly. We send things with the hope in our hearts that something will hit home. Well even if it did, they'd never admit it - rather, they'd lash out, ridicule and just end up making everything feel so much worse. I understand your motives for writing it. You were absolutely right to write it. Sending it would be so, so wrong. And that wouldn't be on you. 1
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