I feeling sad and then fine and then sad and then fine again...

[genuinelyloverly7]

I was with my ex for almost 9 years. We lived together for the last 4 before I left, then we took a break for 1.5 yrs, in which we were on and off again long distance. See my other post to get the full deal, but basically, after he came to another state to see me, jumped into a relationship with me, then promptly turned into a monster a**h0L#- rude, pushy, unbelievably passive aggressive, downright threatening sometimes. He even grabbed me twice with strength and heat (you know- not violently, but almost)... So I broke it off, and since he wouldn't leave my apartment (he said it was because he was in school and busy with projects and homework- that was his excuse for EVERYTHING!!!!!!) I ended up having to leave so my landlord could evict him. Which she did, and he was arrested and got processed.

<I understand school and needing to focus- but he never did anything else but work on school/computer stuff/video games/watch TV- he never even left the house to walk the pup we got- and that was the deal-breaker>

 

I guess I am in shock because of how different he is from how he was in Cali, when we met. I know negative experiences can and will affect your day to day outlook and responses, but why push away the only person on the world who will tolerate you right now? And how could he have changed so drastically in only a year and a half? Maybe I was the one who changed- I didn't back down from the arguments he started, where in the past, I would have...

 

I am asking for advice on how to deal with my emotions for this man. I know we can never be together, but I had hoped we could be friends... the day after his eviction (in which I had packed up all his worldly possessions into my car so it wouldn't get thrown away) I get a call that he needs a ride from jail. So I go pick him up (with my new roommate) and tell him I will give him a ride to wherever he is going to stay. He hems and haws after the hour drive from the jail into town, and has me drive all over town while he tries to decide what to do.

I finally stop at the hostel because he says he has no money for a hotel. Then a struggle to actually physically get him out of my car. He doesn't want to get out. I feel like sh*t because here I am having to be a bad guy to the person I formerly thought was going to be my life partner, literally throwing him and his stuff into the street.

He begs me to let me stay at his place, but everyone is telling me that he shouldn't know where I live now. He begs me to sleep in my car for a few days, but I am moving my stuff in it.

I go from feeling like he did this to himself (which he did by treating me so badly in the first place, talking to me so mean and threateningly) to feeling like he must have some mental/emotional disorder which he just needs to work through, and that I should give him a place to stay or even a friend, but he stomps on my friendship in a careless, I'm too busy to be careful of your feelings, sort of way. He will not acknowledge any issues he has (and he has a lot) or any that I have (I have some too!) that I want him, my supposed life partner, to help me with.

I guess I am just looking for someone to tell me I was justified in throwing him and his stuff on the street (and not even all his stuff- I still have an HP printer and like 4 pairs of brand new shoes he bought while he was telling me he didn't have the money to help buy groceries, or that he was too busy to walk to the ATM that was less than a block away!). I feel so bad sometimes when I think of him being homeless, and feeling like the only person in the world you wanted to be with doesn't want you around, at all. I feel horrible about that.

 

But I feel good about living free of worry that I will always say something to piss him off, or that we will get into a he said/she said about who knows what! I wish that we could have been friendly when we were together, but he would take everything that happened in the world around him personally, and I would take personally when he was grumpy and short all the time. So I am not saying I would want him back as a lover (even though I bemoan the loss of the parts of him that were so perfect for me, I still am okay with the negative parts being gone), but I wish there had been another way to part.

 

I had a friend who had a friend who was homeless for a while, and came out a stronger person for it. I pray that is how he comes out of this- stronger and clearer, and hopefully more compassionate and empathetic, than before.

 

It is worth saying again, because it makes me feel good to wish him good instead of ill (and my family is all like, he is an a**, he doesn't deserve even one more thought from you...). But I would rather send him love than hate- he needs all he can get, just not at the expense of my happiness, fulfillment and loves.