macy Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I'm trying. Trying hard to recover from my divorce. I know it takes 2 to keep a marriage and the same two should own their mistakes when it fails. I made mistakes and could've made a better wife at times, i know this and learned from it. I can say i loved him the best way i know how and loved and cherished our family with all my heart! My husband of 16 years cheated on me several times, became withdrawn, didn't communicate very well at all and gave up on me and his 2 kids. I was separated for a year and the divorce was final at the end of this Feb. He soon brought a girlfriend around my kids in March who is 10 years younger than him. She's 30 and he's 40. Now he's marrying her this month. I have tried so hard to be the bigger person. I have done well and know in my heart what I have to do to forgive and move on to create a new life for me and focus on my kids. I pray all the time for the strength to forgive and move forward. People (family and friends) say i have been full of grace and done a great job dealing while taking care of my kids and focusing on my career. I can say i think i have too, but no one sees the constant pain. When I interact with my ex I sometimes still get angry and frustrated with him. Mainly out of deep hurt. I know to truly forgive you have to stop doing it and just wish him well and mean it. I would be happy to not talk to him ever again. With kids that's impossible. I feel better when I don't have to see him or talk to him. My question is... I want to know if I can seek the forgiveness and peace in my heart I so crave and not have to talk to him other than email and kid related things? Or is that just hiding and not truly forgiving? How do people do this? You intellectually know what has to happen... then your heart and sadness "fails" you. I literally cried Thursday night when he picked up the kids to take them to meet his fiancé's mother. My son who is 10 is so hurt and confused by his sudden new marriage. He hasn't even gotten use to us divorced yet. My daughter is 15 and seems "indifferent". I try to just hear them out and tell them it will be okay. When he picked them up they went to his car while my ex stayed inside to give me money he owed me. It wasn't the full amount and I got angry and ugly with him. I prayed before he came over for strength and guidance to help me through our coming conversation. I cried because after he left I felt I failed myself and in ways my kids by not being able to let my hurt get the best of me. I would never ever take him back. I just want to move on and see him and not have old emotions get the best of me. I want to win this!! Thanks for letting me vent.
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Ugh. I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's little anyone can say. Sometimes, at appropriate moments, it helps to let rip and let them know exactly how we feel. Don't beat yourself up over it.... it's easy to see why you'd feel the way you do. You need to vent. Feel free. Hugs. 2
Author macy Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Thank you. Spewing your mess to strangers oddly helps. Ha
hayewils Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I know, from personal experience, it takes time to get to the point where you can be civil and just be able to ralk for the sake of the children. My first divorce of course involved children. My ex shacked up, got pregnant and our divorce wasnt final at the time. She and her boyfriend constantly tried to fight with me. I had it set up where the children were exchanged at the police station. It took a long time but after a couple years of not talking to her as little as possible, we finally came to a point where we talk, as friends but we can talk civily without any feelings any longer. I never thought we would ever be able to do that. It will take time but eventually you also will be there. Be strong and believe. On a personal note, once a cheater, always a cheater. Your ex will do it to his fiance eventually at some point, take that to the bank. She has no idea what is gonna happen, you almost have to feel sorry for it. 2
Author macy Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Thanks for sharing your story. Gives me hope. I guess I have to learn to forgive myself when I "fail". Try, try again! I won't lie and say that part of me hasn't hoped this new, very fast, marriage turns into the disaster that statistics say it will. I have. Another part of me feels sorry for him (and her) because I think he's got serious issues. He showed real signs of depression the last 4-5 years of our marriage and changed a lot. Didn't sleep even with taking sleeping aids, withdrawn, overall no joy but couldn't figure out why. Counseling was not a true option in his mind due to his military career. Great stigma still attached. His new wife is 10 years younger, never married, no kids, and no doubt wanting to get married at this time in her life. Baggage and all. I'm sure she thinks she has that magical "you-know-what" that will keep him happy. Truth is I'm not sure he'll ever really be happy even though he acts like it more now. Not overly joyed. He still looks sad at times and I see his sense of guilt at times although he'll never admit to it. All I can do now is help my kids cope and try to heal myself. I hope I end up in your boat where time makes it easier. I've heard from many that time is the key. Holding that thought close and looking forward to it :-).
orionboxing Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 He soon brought a girlfriend around my kids in March who is 10 years younger than him. She's 30 and he's 40. Now he's marrying her this month. A recipe for total disaster. Rebound relationships don't have a great success rate, especially for disordered people. Second marriages are even worse statistically. This is not going to end well. 3
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