kobekobekobe Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Hi all It's my first time here, I just got a text this morning that baffled me and am having some trouble thinking it out. I have one friend from my school days when I was 17 who I have known for ten years. We went out together pretty seriously for 3 of those years but broke up by the time we were 20/21. (I'm now 27) After the initial year or so of readjustment we still liked each other, there was nothing overly dramatic and we stayed friends. We don't live near each other so hardly see one another and probably speak / text / email on and off once or twice a month for a catch up. I cannot stress enough how much NOTHING romantic is going on. We just don't want to be together like that. Regardless I really enjoy hearing about his life and see him as one of my best friends simply because we have known each other for so long and know so many of the same people. He and I met up for the first time in about 5 months the other day to do a charity run. It was fun then we got a drink and went our separate ways, just like any other friendship. I got a text from him the following morning saying that he has been seeing a girl for 4 months and she has given him an ultimatum never to contact me again. I had no idea he even had a girlfriend and don't know why he didn't tell me. We've both had relationships since the years and years ago we were together, and the contact inevitably goes down a little but there's never any problem and we stay friends. This has knocked me. I can understand a bit where she's coming from, but I know in my own mind that her fears are unfounded. When I received the message I replied not to worry and to do what he needs to do, but now I've had a few hours to think about it I'm upset. Why should I have to COMPLETELY give up my only close high school friend for her insecurities? I'm definitely not planning on contacting him or getting involved but could do with some thoughts to help see if it's a reasonable situation or nuts! Nothing like this has happened to me before. Thank you
TaraMaiden Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 It won't last. He will dump her. he's known you for years and years, her for 4 months, and she's already making demands like that? I would surmise this is more her insecurity than your friendship. had you been a close ex- or someone with whom he had recently broken up/ had an intimate relationship, I could understand. And I would agree it would be inappropriate and indiscreet. But after this time? Hmmmm.... Give him a while. he'll be back in touch.
Feelin Frisky Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 hi kobe, welcome to LS. You are at the age where younger life relationships and norms start being tested and fall away. It's not easy but it has to happen to prepare you for the other side of 30. You'll land on your feet. It might help to routinely tell yourself that. "No matter what happens, I'll land on my feet". Then you accept, detach, and move on. There is no way to go back. Goo luck.
Author kobekobekobe Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thanks for the replies. I have mentioned it to my sister and a couple of friends, and even though I do believe she is being over the top I will continue to go along with his wishes and not be in contact. Something tells me it can't be the end of our friendship forever since we've known each other for 10 years and really get along. I'm happy he has a girlfriend. Maybe next time I'm in a relationship we can be friends as couples which would be great. I'd be surprised if I don't hear from him at all until then though. I suppose it's more of a reflection on their relationship that something so dramatic has to happen. I'll just have to bide my time until it's obvious to her I don't want anything else from him but friendship.
whichwayisup Posted June 17, 2013 Posted June 17, 2013 When I received the message I replied not to worry and to do what he needs to do, but now I've had a few hours to think about it I'm upset. Why should I have to COMPLETELY give up my only close high school friend for her insecurities? You're not giving up on him, he's giving up on you. He's chosen his current girlfriend and her request over a having casual friendship with you. Bottom line is, you two aren't 'best friends' or in each others daily lives so not having him in your life anymore shouldn't make such a different or a big dent with him walking away. Some women cannot handle ANY past flames being in touch with their boyfriends. It's not like you were/are a threat to them, but she is uncomfortable with it, so he's chosen to do as she requested. Whatever you do, don't contact him again.
Author kobekobekobe Posted June 17, 2013 Author Posted June 17, 2013 Thanks for your post, although I did already make it clear I have no intention of contacting him. I have no interest in being an obstruction in their relationship whatsoever so of course will respect what he has asked. And I'm sorry but things aren't always so cut and dried. Regardless of the relative infrequency of our contact he is one of my dearest friends, yes even a best friend, believe it or not. We also know each others' families and friends extremely well, he lived in my family home for over a year. Just last week I wrote a press release for his mum as a favour for an exhibition of paintings she was putting on. Our relationship has always been very equal. If it didn't matter to me that the contact was off from that moment onward and I could shrug it off I wouldn't have posted here for support / thoughts. I am starting to understand in my late twenties that friendships have to move on and mature and change sometimes, especially as couples continue to form, but it was a bit of a bolt from the blue especially as I hadn't known they were together. If so we would have naturally called / emailed / seen each other less. I don't think it is necessarily selfish or divisive to hope that we can continue to have a form of friendship in the future, although obviously that is up to him and undoubtedly the nature of it would change. I'd be happy with that. Can you blame me for being slightly bummed out?!
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