ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 There is another thread going on where an AP is asking other AP's why the BS "turns a blind eye" to their spouses Affair. I feel pressed to restate My comment and begin a new thread in which I ask ALL BS's to share whether they feel they "turned a blind eye" or rather (as in my case) was just left in the dark. You see, to me, in order to actually "turn away" from an issue, I have to KNOW about the issue... Here is my comment/response to my post (which I also wrote on the other forum)*; I most certainly didn't turn a blind eye as I had ZERO clue to my H's A. Oh, I knew something was "wrong" but never in a million would I have imagined My Husband shagging another woman. I was SO happy (and obliterated) to finally have the exOW tell me so I could not only NOT turn a blind eye but step out of the darkness in which I was kept to deal with the (ended) A and my H Head-On! And Isn't it the OW/OM turning a blind eye to the fact they are engaging in an A w/a MM/MW... I mean the signs are all there. M license. Texting spouse. Calling spouse. Making love w/spouse. Children w/spouse. Financial support and/or contribution to M . Sharing Home w/spouse. Intertwined families by M. And yet, the AP turns a blind eye and continues on for whatever reason/s given. Maybe because they Love the MM/MW and Trust what they Say and do? Maybe because they DO know the deceit of their A and they're cool w/it? Someone wrote not all M are relationships... Well, Not ONE A is a Marriage. I'm hoping that by mirroring some questions/comments, the OW/OM can see the different perspective and that MOST of us don't "turn a blind eye" , we just don't immediately assume our spouses are Cheating. I mean, why in holy heaven would we?!?! We are MARRIED for heaven's sake. That would mean our spouses are ""Off Th e Market", to me that means Other Women don't mess w/my H and He doesn't mess w/OW. It wasn't even on my radar because it is so, so, so, so So Wrong. * 4
Author ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 I won't be able to check this until later on today/tonight as I am off to have a play day with my family!! Tennis with our Son. Swimming with Our Daughter. Golf with my Hubba Hubby* Then a cool-off again with the whole family! Bikini time!!**... Can you tell I'm excited?! :love: 1
BetrayedH Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I tire of the "they must be turning a blind eye" assumption. My wife pulled a fast one. Congrats to her. She went to great lengths to make sure it wasn't discovered. I surely didn't get PTSD after I found out because I already knew. By and large, that argument is a rationalization to help the OP justify what they are doing. How interesting that they conspire to keep it secret if they don't believe it's a secret. And you made quite a point that it's the OP that's typically turning a blind eye (to the fact that their boyfriend is, in fact, married to another woman). I barely even go to the OP board because I just want them to wake up and quit the mental gymnastics. Their relationship with their married partner is messed up because having a partner that is married to someone else IS messed up. 8
BetrayedH Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 Bikini time!!**... Can you tell I'm excited?! :love: CIH, hiw much have we discussed how important it is to provide PROOF? I don't believe in this "bikini." We're going to need photographic evidence. (BH slinks away to read a chapter of Not Just Friends on boundaries.) 8
Author ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Thanks for the replies! I think betrayed H is right in that it seems the OW/OM will turn just about anything around, in & out & upsidedown to justify their sleeping w/another's spouse. I'll bet we've all, at some point, put our own behavior/s into someone else not even having to do A's because we Knew our behavior was Wrong. Booty Shorts!!! I Love it* LOL!! I left half my "booty" on the court! I'll get right on that Bikini pic... Just need to hire professional photo shop kit... Not. I'm doing just fine for an old bird. long as you stay 10 - 15 ft. away** hahaha 3
Author ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Betrayed H, (totally meant as funny here)... Is there a chapter on in Not Just Friends about the carry on luggage of dating a... "Cheated On, happily M, almost middle aged, woman who suffers from trust issues w/the opposite sex"?? Then again as a BS, You cod just, Turn a blind eye right?!! Okay, off to golf. I suck at golf. Stupid little white ball. And the hole is too small! The ball. It doth mock me... 2
Janesays Posted June 15, 2013 Posted June 15, 2013 I actually DID turn a blind eye. I had suspicions a good year before D-day. But I was also pulling in 90 hour work weeks with zero days off and I literally didn't have the TIME to investigate. The funny thing is, my hubby was the one who pushed me into having such a 'heavy' schedule, assuring me that I could pursue my work and I "shouldn't worry" because he "would handle everything at home." Now, looking back, I think he wanted me to pack on all the work so he could start messing around without me being the wiser. Worked too. But I DID suspect all along.
Author ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Janesays, what changed? Was it because you can only turn your back for so long or did something happen that you "couldn't" keep looking away? I really would like to know. I think it would help add perspective to every angle reading* 7th hole gang. Ya know, when I actually hit the ball it travels between 120 -225 yards and exactly where where I want it to go* WHEN I hit it...
Author ComingInHot Posted June 15, 2013 Author Posted June 15, 2013 Athiest wrote, " At first I believed he was working over time. I believed his family needed more time with him (masterful liar he is, he told me his brother was cheating on his wife and so he was spending more time with his family to help with their children and support the sister-in-law as well as "talk sense into his brother). I believed his friends had more special events they wanted him to attend, he even had some call me and ASK for him to come (found out later he'd give them weed if they would do this for him!). I believed he was getting the car fixed, believed he was helping our old friend Carl with his lawn, etc. The affair went on like that for nearly a year. Sex didn't change, he still said he loved me, wanted me, acted possessive of me, etc. But over time the away hours became a full night and I could *feel* something wasn't quite right. I would ask him, he defended, threw the phone at me telling me to call and verify (knowing I would be too embarrassed to trouble our friends with private drama). He has lit me, as I became more adamant and outright accusing him, he insisted I was crazy, that I must be the one who is cheating to talk of it so much! He lied so much and so often, ripped into me so often for even inquiring that I began to seriously wonder if I was a paranoid psychotic as he insisted.... But when my family began to notice, I had my mother follow him. Liar that he is was busted by my mom with his tongue in the woman's mouth. He STILL tried to lie, telling my own mother she was just a friend and I was the cheater! Cake eaters are like that: they will lie to the bitter end, even on the boardwalk of the gallows if they have to... Most affairs I have seen are like that, and I believe OW know it too or else they'd contact the BS and not keep it a secret. They know they are complicit in gas lighting and enabling a guy to treat one of their fellow women like that. I see them as dastardly as the WS..." So, Athiest, you're saying that, "no" , you didn't "turn a blind eye", you were just the one "left in the dark" .?.?...* 2
Author ComingInHot Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Geez Athiest, that blows! I am so understandably sorry you were treated that way. The way so many BS's are during their spouse's A. I hope Janesays replies back* I sincerely would like to hear her set of circumstances and/or feelings that Did allow her to look the other way. And not to be ripped on! There may be a stitch I haven't considered. Man Oh MAN am I tired!! But what a fun day* Funny side note... In the car. Windows down. Lift my arm up to rest on the door. ((Sniff, sniff)) what is that?! Oh. Ya. It was Me. Arm down. Windows up. A.C. on. SHOWER!!!!! Good times* 1
Janesays Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Janesays, what changed? Was it because you can only turn your back for so long or did something happen that you "couldn't" keep looking away? I really would like to know. I think it would help add perspective to every angle reading* 7th hole gang. Ya know, when I actually hit the ball it travels between 120 -225 yards and exactly where where I want it to go* WHEN I hit it... Well, one day I stopped to get gas and found out my credit card had been cut off. In fact, ALL my credit cards were cut off, my bank accounts drained, my assets liquidated and hidden. Pretty hard to turn a blind eye to that! When confronted, he asked me for a divorce. At first he denied any affair, but like I said, I had known in the very back of my head all along. However, I never thought he'd actually leave me for her. So....after stealing every thing I had spent 10 years building, he tried to throw me out of my own house. We spent a solid year in court. I settled for 33% of what I was owed just to be officially rid of him. Best thing that ever happened to me...although it didn't feel like that at the time.
Janesays Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 Fun fact: his OW dumped the day our divorce was officially final.
Woggle Posted June 16, 2013 Posted June 16, 2013 I just thought her drug habit was making her act weird. I had no clue what she was doing while I was at work.
Author ComingInHot Posted June 16, 2013 Author Posted June 16, 2013 Janesays .... O!M!G! I mean a really big Giant O!M!G!!!!! I am so sorry it happened to you But So SO happy you are FREE! ((Hugs))* 2
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