Broken, need

June 15, 2013

So, for a few weeks now I have felt like I should write down whats going on in my head as a form of self reflection. I don't talk to anyone about what really goes on inside my skull so why not lay it out on the internet. I will be purposefully vague in some areas. This will be long, its for me. Read on and respond if you wish.

I'm 29. I had great grades out of high school but had zero money for college. I decided to move out of parents home and enter workforce at 18, worked in hospitals, bars, and restaurants to pay my through college. Met the right people at the right time, got accepted into respectable community college program. The license I would earn is what I use today to great financial success.

During college, I met my wife. She was following a similar program. I was 20. She was 26, divorced, three kids. Youngest was 1, oldest was 5. Her ex was not in the picture at all, not now, not ever. By his choice. On multiple occasions early on I tried to personally get him involved with the kids, quite cordially I might add. Whatever I am, I'm not that dirt bag. Lost cause. In retrospect, I blame him for damaging my wife in a way I would not know until much later.

So her and I dated casually. I was drawn to her, not unlike other women I had dated, I admired her strong spirit, to do what she was doing with three kids. She kept kids out of the picture, to protect them from any weirdness. I broke up with her after about 6 months, I felt like we were just incompatible. She didn't see it that way. She pursued me, not in a strange way, at the time a sexy confident way. We started dating again. She was a year into her license program. I was to start mine in a month.

Now it gets strange. The day before I start the license program I had been saving money for and planning for since I was 18, a big day for me I was 21, she arrives at my apartment bruised and beaten. She had been living with her Mom and step dad. The step dads friend who also lived there had tried to rape her. The step dad had bone cancer, would later die of it. I believe he was a good man at one time, but to sick to affect anything around him anymore. Her mom, a leech if there ever was one, didn't even recognize that anything had even happened. I would years later find out that the mother abandoned my wife when she was a small child to a children home for drugs and prison. Didn't know that till after we were married.

All I could think about was protecting her and the children from such a horrific environment. I got a moving truck that day and moved her and all belongings out of that hell hole. Even as I write this, broken as I feel, I would do the same without hesitation. I'm still moved by such a mixture of anger and sadness, I could not imagine NOT reacting this way for ANYONE, of this I am not regretful. She needed my help and I was the only one strong enough around to do so.

I knew a person that owned a bar I worked for, who often was out of town for months at a time and in need of house sitting. I made a deal that day, and moved her and the children into a fine house in a great neighborhood. All of this the day before the most important day of my life. My mistake in my mind, was continuing the relationship beyond this point. I remained a boyfriend, she was enamored with me, I was young and could not resist such strong physical advances. Even then I knew what I felt for her was infatuation drawn through heightened emotions.

To be honest, and why would I lie anonymously, my heart bled for the kids. They wouldn't be okay and she would not finish school without me. This was not a miscalculation. No way to tell where they would be without me, but they are all in a better place because of me and I am glad for it. I was overcome by a sense of duty to these small people who would not be well without me. To this day, its all I have. Its whats breaking me. I gave up love and a vibrant life for duty. A sacrifice ,I thought in my youth , was so worthy that the world would have to repay me with a good life. I now cannot help but think how naive I was, if I could shake that malignant thought from my mind I would. I cant.

I went to my new classes the next day, and never said a word to anyone about what had transpired. Small class, and I knew I couldn't signal myself as the stressed out nut. I held it all in, and would do so for the next 2 years to finish out the program. I remained the person I was before the event. At school, all anyone knew about me was that I was dating a woman with kids, casually. No one knew anything about me, I skirted, feigned, diverted, and lied. What started as hiding a single event became a game of charades I was quite good at. I was very unhappy then, but was an expert at displaying otherwise. That first year is when I think I started to sour as a person. The seeds of resentment planted, blooming into full blown hate this past 2 years.

I moved in. I couldn't get through school, work, and pay for the house and my apartment at the same time. I had a residency in which I would be working for free for some months. I had to consolidate. I did it, and she was as I had thought very hard to live with, I don't blame her for that, she had a hard life. I blame myself for making the decision to do so. Still at that point in my life, I still had high hope. I felt for sure that sacrifice and hard work would net me happiness with this woman.

I worked pretty much around the clock, loaned out for her school, paid my school. We had one car, drove 3 hours to drop kids off at daycare/school/her at college/me at work/me at school from 4 am to 7 am every morning for 2 years while going through program. I could explain the logistics of it all, but trust me, I was good at making things as efficient as possible. Life was extremely difficult. Living in a bar owners house, raising kids, learning more and more about my future wife I didn't like. I will one day write an entire book about each and every day of those two years. Each day was insane, each day something crazy happened. I resent that more than anything now.I had set school up to be the best 2 years of my life, they were by far the worst. We made it though, both graduated, both licensed. Our only debt was her school loan.I took it as a sign that the worst was behind us, and they her and I could grow as a couple. Learn to love. I married her when I was 23 out of hope and duty to children I loved. I told her I loved her and didn't mean it. I WANTED to mean it, but it was not in me. I sincerely thought marriage would make my bond with her grow stronger.

At 25, I was ready to end it. We fight and argue constantly. She is insecure and has no trust to give to me. I have done nothing but earn trust, received none. Literally the week I was going to file, she got cervical cancer. It was advanced, stage 2, possibly stage 3. Life threatening. Luckily, I had made quite a bit of money in the stock market. I have an affinity for electronics which allowed for a lucrative perspective to develop around solid state drives.I was able to get the best cancer treatment and doctors in the nation. I shredded all evidence that I was leaving and supported her with zero regret. I loved her on some level, and would not wish such a fate on any living being. She obviously cannot have children now. They had to remove everything.

At 26, her step dad passed from cancer. He was all that held her mother up financially. I gave her a room in the house. My wife loathes her, she was a terrible mother, if you can even call her a mom. My wife will not abandon her mother, as her mother had done to her when she was a child. I still agree with the decision. We have to try and be better than those that hurt us. On that same year, my wife's brother was injured badly. I let him heal up, set him up with a job, and sent him packing after realizing he would never leave on his accord. That took a year and a half.

There is more, but I have had enough writing about this sad life I created for myself. My kids are doing very well. They are involved with the church, get good grades, and have good friends. I have no faith, but fake it for my kids. They deserve a chance at that, I wont sully it. These are my kids, not by blood, but by sweat. My wife has often stabbed me with he fact that they are hers and not mine. Anger at that statement was long ago replaced by confusion and sadness. I will always support the kids. I know in my heart they wont hate me for leaving. The eldest sees right through me, she sees how broken I am.

Im 29. My big hit in the stock market was a one time thing, gladly spent on life, but gone. I dont own anything, but my old vehicle from when I was 16, and a used vehicle I got for my wife. I have zero debt.I want children of my own blood, petty as that may be to some,its what I want. I want to be free. I want to live and find true love. Or live and find nothing. I cant keep faking love to my wife. I told her this a few months ago, told her almost everything. She is trying, trying very hard. Breaks my heart, but I don't love her. The longer I go, the more I say I love you when I don't, the colder and more hollow I feel. I feel so broken.

Its all I have been thinking about for months. Leaving. Moving away. Starting over. Starting right. I dont know what Im fishing for here by posting this. I have never told anyone any of this beyond my wife. Even then not everything. Somethings would be too painful for her to hear.

June 16, 2013

From one Texan to another, I sympathize and empathize with you, and all you are dealing with. God bless your heart.

I'm glad you came here to Love Shack.

Maybe, in time, expressing yourself here will take some of the weight off your shoulders. It usually does. You can't keep it all inside forever.

And here, you can express yourself anonymously, and bit by bit over time.

It really is very helpful, in sorting things out, and getting insight from others.

There are some amazingly brilliant people who give advice here! Not necessarily me But I live by the Boy Scout motto, 'Do Your Best' (even though I was a Girl Scout ! my sons are Boy Scouts), and so that's what I do, here and elsewhere.

There's no real quick fix for you, is there? Other than pack up and run for the hills, which you don't want to do, because of her kids.

Maybe over time, you can shift things into a position in which you would feel comfortable to leave her, and feel like the kids wouldn't be out in the street, homeless, and starving.

Oh, I have to tell you - I do know what you mean when you say:

"I will one day write an entire book about each and every day of those two years. Each day was insane, each day something crazy happened. I resent that more than anything now."

I lived like that with a crazy guy in a crazy world for 16 years, the latter 8 years of which were with newborn babies who are now young children, age 5 and 9. I hear ya!

I know about living in Crazy Town with a dysfunctional person.

It's like Jack Nicholson famously said, "Go sell crazy somewhere else. We're all stocked up here"

I felt that way for years during that 16 year period, because of all his shenanigans.

Anyhow, the bottom line is you do need to eventually plan to leave her.

You both got your college certifications. She can, and needs to, get a job and move somewhere she can support herself and the kids, and Grandma too.

There are huge families near where I live, who all live in tiny houses, sometimes a 2 bedroom / 1 bathroom house will hold a family of 15. That's just life nowadays.

She would be way better off than that scenario I just mentioned, her and the 3 kids and Grandma makes 5, living in a 2 or 3 bedroom somewhere. Here in Houston, I've seen houses in 'good enough' subdivisions go for $850 a month or less.

That's going to have to be her solution to housing, her getting a job and renting somewhere.

And you getting a divorce and moving on to get the life you wanted, before you caved and married her out of guilty for her kids. That's not a reason to marry someone, as you now know, due to the agony you are experiencing in this situation.

You should probably seek out counseling to have a support system to get untangled from all this.

Take it one day at a time, and read all you can around here, and elsewhere regarding self esteem, co-dependency

(you are a co-dependent personality, without a doubt -

get some of Melody Beattie's books on Co-dependency from the library).

Hey, they even have 12 step groups (free) for Co-Dependent folks, like you and me, in all major cities here in Texas.

Here are links you need to read, step 1 of your journey to understanding yourself (so this doesn't ever happen again to you!!!!):

1)

Symptoms of Codependency | Psych Central

2)

http://www.drew.edu/wp-content/uploads/sites/16/Healthy-Exchange-Spring-2009-pdf2.pdf

3)

How to Tell if You Are Codependent: 12 Steps (with Pictures)